when do you cross over from being interested to nagging?

[Anonymous2]

I've been having an issue lately regarding communication with my boyfriend. There's an understanding that if I spend the night out (doesn't matter doing what) and I'm going to be home late that I text him and let him know that I'm home safe. However, there have been a few instances lately where he's been the one hanging out with friends and I've asked him to do the same. I don't ask what he's doing, who he's with, etc...I just want to know that he's somewhere safe when he decides to call it a night. I don't even care if it's not at his apartment. Is it normal to want the same courtesy in return? How do other people deal with their SO going out, partying, hanging out with friends etc? Do you expect them to keep you informed or do you both just understand that you have separate lives and don't need to keep your SO updated? Please help...I don't know if I have a legitimate concern or if I need to back off.

[squeeker]

I think it is right you respect the same courtesy of your boyfriend, and he should already see it's cool of you to only need to know he's safe. Hopefully he will be able to pick up the habit of texting you to let you know. Though if he drinks to excess he might be too drunk to remember to text. But that's not a good thing to think about either. I guess if he doesn't get into the habit then you'll have to try not to worry? Though I know that's easier said than done.

I'm just lucky I don't have to worry about my boyfriend going out partying or drinking or much really because he isn't that social. Though there have been a few times when he was gone longer than expected and I got panicky worrying if he was okay because I couldn't contact him or he couldn't contact me so yeah.. though it's only happened a few times, it still makes me worry. So in that sense I know how you feel.

Though I don't know what you can do. If it doesn't happen very much, I say try to distract yourself and just tell yourself plausible good reasons why he is safe and didn't call, maybe his phone died or something.

I think you should talk to him about it, and tell him something about getting worried for him if he doesn't text to at least let you know he's safe. If you phrase it in that way it shouldn't come across as nagging I don't think. I don't know your boyfriend and how sensitive he is towards the whole thing.. though if he feels it's nagging for you to expect him to text you, I think that is being a bit immature or something. But I just hope you work everything out.

[silvermoonfairy3]

Have you asked him to do it and he's indicated it's nagging or been annoyed with it?
Like many things, what will work varies by couple. I don't think it's unrealistic to ask, but how does he feel about it?

With the way the time difference goes for me and my guy, we say goodnight to each other when it's evening my time/when I go to bed. If I've been out or whatever, he likes it if I send a quick text letting him know I'm home, but I can't really get the same from him because I'd be long asleep by the time he was texting me if he got home late. (Even if he didn't get home late, even if it was just in the early evening.) Although, most days, he'll leave me an offline message on yahoo or shoot me a quick email before he goes to bed, and that way when I get up and HE'S been asleep for a bit, I know that he made it home and headed to bed. He doesn't always do it, but most of the time he does.. it's kinda just more a thing of us touching base around the time difference.

But yeah.
I'd say bring it up if you haven't, see how he responds. I don't think it's wildly inappropriate or anything, especially since you're not grilling him for every little detail of why he was out late or who he was with, etc.

[Anonymous2]

Yeah, I actually talked to him about it this morning and just told him that I would leave it up to his discretion whether he decides to keep me informed, but that it is something that's important to me. I think he did realize that this might be something we need to work on so hopefully he'll remember it next time. I just didn't know if other couples had the same issue. Thanks for all the advice!

[sarahjane1992]

I think if your SO expects you to do that, why shouldn't he do the same? My SO is very good about letting me know what he's up too. A good portion of the time on his own.
I don't expect to know what my SO is doing every single second but we always let each other know what we're doing. In my mind, there is a big jump from nagging to being interested in what your SO is doing.
It does depend on the couple. Just finding what works best is key. We have a pretty good system but it's still a work in progress.

[snow]

I don't think it's nagging when you talk to him about it once more after it happened again.

[temporaryuser]

I expect my SO to let me know he is in for the nite as well. For mine, it generally isnt an issue of going out, but rather working late or long hours. he expects the same for me. To me it is a courtesy, as he knows I worry, and he probly worries more than I do

[nicole]

I don't think its nagging. After all, he's asked the same of you, so he should see why its important to return that courtesy. My SO and I were the same way if one of us went out. I'd either message him when I got home or skype real quick if he was online to say goodnight. He did the same for me, unless he really had an excuse (i.e friends sleeping over in front of the computer so he couldn't get hold of me)

I think it only starts to be nagging if you're expecting a blow-by-blow account of his evening, and you don't want that at all I just hope he's taken your words on board and will remember next time.

[Fretboard_Magic]

I for one think it CAN get a bit too much. My girlfriend and I usually just say, when we have to be out late partying or whatever, that we'll just message each other the next day. Chances are we'd be too tired/drunk/whatever at the end of the night anyway, so it kind of makes more sense to talk to each other the next day than to TRY to do so THAT night(or morning since parties can, and usually DO, go on till after midnight).

So, I would say you're nagging a bit just because you seem to be demanding it in the first place. If my girl DEMANDED it, then I would feel a bit peeved about not having full control over my own life, thus I'd resent having to contact you right after partying. But luckily she isn't like that, and that makes me actually want to talk to her when I get home from a party. Only, sometimes I might not be able to because I might be too tired/drunk/what-have-you to talk to her. In which case, I just wait till the next day to talk to her. We're both happy, and all is well.

But that's our relationship, not yours. *shrugs*

[princessmaria]

I don't think it's nagging either. Of course everyone's relationship is different. With my SO and I we have this sort of treaty to say goodnight every single night. To us goodnight means we're at home and safe in our beds. Even if we don't have time to talk at any other time of the day, we try to say goodnight before bed. He works really late nights sometimes so he passes out sometimes, but for the most part our system works.

Having separate lives is totally 100% normal and it should be the case for everyone in a relationship, LD or CD. But it is also important to have some insight and be kept updated, so don't feel as if you're nagging him by asking. It is your business, in a way, since you are a major part of his life as well.

[Anonymous2]

I for one think it CAN get a bit too much. My girlfriend and I usually just say, when we have to be out late partying or whatever, that we'll just message each other the next day. Chances are we'd be too tired/drunk/whatever at the end of the night anyway, so it kind of makes more sense to talk to each other the next day than to TRY to do so THAT night(or morning since parties can, and usually DO, go on till after midnight).

So, I would say you're nagging a bit just because you seem to be demanding it in the first place. If my girl DEMANDED it, then I would feel a bit peeved about not having full control over my own life, thus I'd resent having to contact you right after partying. But luckily she isn't like that, and that makes me actually want to talk to her when I get home from a party. Only, sometimes I might not be able to because I might be too tired/drunk/what-have-you to talk to her. In which case, I just wait till the next day to talk to her. We're both happy, and all is well.

But that's our relationship, not yours. *shrugs*

We've had situations before where he'll tell me he won't be available ahead of time and we'll talk the next day. That's totally fine because I can typically plan for it ahead of time. Do you guys typically know when the other will be out partying late ahead of time and then plan to catch up later, or is it just understood that if you can't reach your SO it means they're out and you'll just catch up some other time?

And I would never actually demand that he do that. I'm very careful not to put too much pressure on him and I definitely don't want to seem clingy. I typically just tell him how much I would appreciate it if he'd let me know that he's home (or wherever he's crashing that night) safe. Recently I came straight out and told him that he knows how important it is to me so from here on out I'm going to let him decide for himself what he wants to do. I do think that it's fair that he extends me the same courtesy if he's going to start wanting me to let him know I'm home for the night though. I think communication works best if both people are on the same page is all...