The Pain of Parting

[SquirrellyOtter]

I'm not sure if it's unusual to be able to handle the distance just fine, but I do. I realize that part of my "ease" has to do with being busy in lots of other ways, like school, socializing with new friends, and Skyping my SO whenever I get the chance.

But I can't handle visiting my SO and then leaving only a few days after. It sours the last half of the entire visit for me (even the last visit, a week long, I spent the final three days dreading the inevitable parting). I'm not being overly dramatic or romantic when I say it feels like my heart is being clawed from my chest when I walk away from her to the plane or the bus.

... and it's in this context that I almost wanted to skip the next opportunity to visit her just to dodge the pain. Like I said, I can handle the distance, but I also know she can't, at least not as well as me. She'll want to take every opportunity to be together that we can, which I don't have a problem with, but the pain of leaving her is so intense for me that I am tempted to forgo the visit to spare myself the pain. And that's hard to explain to her because I do love her and I want to be together with her, forever... I just can't take it. I don't want to leave her anymore, and part of me wants to do the really stupid thing of forsaking college to grab some jobs and eke out a financially-miserable existence, but I wouldn't have to leave her and suffer that pain again.

Is this a normal feeling? How do you cope with leaving your SO? I don't want to not-visit and I don't want to start a weird conversation with her that she could misconstrue as me not-wanting to visit her because I don't love her, yadda yadda yadda.

[sarahjane1992]

I've had the same thought before. I totally understand. My SO and I handle the distance the best we can. We both stay busy. That always helps. When he misses me, he's less likely to tell me because he's not as open with his emotions like I am. I miss him all the time. It's a constant, nagging pain. Just wish he was here on a day to day basis. Even for the normal, routine stuff. I just miss his physical presence.

To answer your question. We just had our third visit. I left almost 2 weeks ago. Seems like much longer. When we're together, the time goes faster. Then when we're separated, it drags by... The day I left was HORRIBLE. I cried the whole morning while I was packing my stuff. Cried the whole way to the airport. We got there and he lost it too. I hate seeing him so upset and not being able to make him feel better. I felt helpless.

We've been doing this for over 6 months now so we're still learning. But from our experience, I think it's a very normal feeling. You're torn. You want to see your SO but the pain of leaving is almost unbearable. The way I describe it is like a dark cloud. It just hangs there. You know you have to leave and as much as you want to ignore it, it's always there. Then when the day comes, it hurts like hell. Your heart is being ripped out of your chest. For me, I describe it as my heart aching.

I don't know if I have an answer for how I cope with leaving. Trying to have a date set for the next visit helps. But at the moment when you walk away, there's nothing that can make someone feel better. It just hurts. I usually feel better after a week or so. But we both have our sad moments. We just deal with it the best we can.

It's always a hard situation to deal with. And it doesn't get any easier. But in the end, it is worth it. Hope that helps

[Ahava]

I feel I can also handle the distance quite well, but already before the trip I find myself thinking how soon it will be over. And the last day I get very sad.
But after a couple of days/a week I'm okay again and life goes on. Communicating everyday helps a lot

[srtd35]

I understand completely. I do okay when we are apart. I miss him like crazy and want to see him but at times I feel like you it would be easier to just not visit b/c the pain of leaving is so intense. But when I really think about it enduring the pain is worth it to see him.

[Rachelm920]

it feels like my heart is being clawed from my chest when I walk away from her to the plane or the bus.... I just can't take it. I don't want to leave her anymore, and part of me wants to do the really stupid thing of forsaking college to grab some jobs and eke out a financially-miserable existence, but I wouldn't have to leave her and suffer that pain again.

First off - I know exactly how you feel. Tomorrow will be 2 months since I've seen my SO. I dropped him off at home Labor Day Weekend, and left back to CT on Labor Day. The entire ride home (6+ hours) I felt incredibly sick to my stomach, so sick that I thought I would throw up. I've also noticed that anytime I really miss him in the weeks since I start to feel the same way. I even googled my symptoms. Apparently it is being "lovesick". So yeah I have experienced it and still do. The whole grab a job thing too, I've really been considering that myself. To say "f" it in a sense and just take off and be with him. BUT I have a car payment which I NEED to keep paying, and all the jobs in his area are lower paying than what I'm getting now. It just seems that I have absolutely no patience in the matter I want everything now. I know how the old saying goes "Good things come to those who wait" but the truth of the matter is that a little piece of me has loved this man for 20 years, so I've waited long enough!

But as I sit back and think about it, I realize that right now is just not the right time and when it is we'll know it and we will succeed because of it. So that's what keeps me going. OK I've waited 20 years, (20 and 1/2 to be exact) so what's another 6 months or year? It's good in a sense that we're not rushing things too much. If it wasn't a LDR we might have, and crashed and burned. So I try to keep the positive aspect on things.

[princessmaria]

My SO does something similar. He always tries to back out of visits because he doesn't want to deal with the pain of parting. I plan them anyway because I know that in the end he'll realize seeing me is worth it, but it's a struggle every single time. I don't like leaving him either but not seeing him at all is a worse pain for me. Everyone handles it differently.

[Yaaamiii]

Oh man, this has been hurting me so much lately. My SO handles the distance better than I do, as well as the parting, but it's typically because he's a very optimistic guy, and tends to see the good in everything lol. I on the other hand, handle the distance AND the parting worse than he does...nowadays I feel like the distance itself I'm almost...nonchalant about it....I'm so used to it...so used to this way of life...I almost can't imagine what seeing him everyday for longer than a month would be like. We've done it of course, but that was like two years ago.

Lately I started telling my SO that the partings are just too difficult for me...they're hurting me too much now...we've been at it for 4 years...I'm so over it. We're closing the distance in May of 2014 FOR SURE...but I'm very much an "in the moment" type of girl. He's more of an "in the moment AND looking ahead" kind of guy. Therefore, I have a hard time thinking "it's ok, only 6 more months of LD" when all I can think of is "right now, we're not together..." It's caused small arguments here and there of course...

Anyway I'm just trying to say that I totally know where you're coming from. I'm exactly the same way :/.

[kria]

We all understand that pain, especially if you don't get to see one another often. The way my SO and I try to douse (sp?) the pain a little, we try to know the general date of the next visit (if possible). When he leaves/I get home, I make a paper chain. Yes, it sounds so childish, but it honestly makes me feel a lot better being able to tear off a link every morning and knowing I am one day closer to seeing him again. You could do countdowns in other ways, and if you can't pinpoint an exact day, generalize it. Ex: summertime, a certain month, etc. Then you just have to hope that something happens and you can narrow that time frame down a bit more. You could always do something besides a chain like using a calendar. However, actually making the chain keeps me busy for a while (depending on its length), so that may be one reason I prefer the chain over a calendar. Hope this helps, and if I repeated anything someone has already said, I apologize. I didn't bother to read any other posts besides the OP's. I'm simply too tired. :P

[farawaynow]

I feel you.

Everytime we part at the airport, it is always tears (and snot, of course, lol). He keep saying it will get better and I kept feeling it gets harder and harder to let him go or let him watch me go. I know everytime I break down, he felt helpless and heartache. I couldn't help the tears, I just couldn't.

kria's right. Keeping yourself occupied is the best thing for you. I love counting down and the anticipation building up when the date is nearing to see him. I'll plan my wardrobe, I'll buy gifts, I'll get a new haircut. And when I'm at the airport, whether it is waiting for him to arrive or flying to him, I couldn't wipe the grin off my face. The best part? It is to see your loved one after so long and still feel the strong connection.

We all have to go through the bad times to truly appreciate the good times.

[bthyme]

I used to have that pain but I've found that it's gotten a lot better with time and it really helps to be ridiculously busy.

[emsimes]

I totally know how you feel
Parting from your loved one is one of the worst feelings ever. Whenever I leave my SO or he leaves me, I feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest.
But, after a few weeks back into the normal routine, the pain isn't as bad. My SO and I talk daily, which helps a lot, and we both keep ourselves busy with school, work, friends, and family. As much as the parting sucks, I always think it's better to be with my SO and deal with the pain of parting rather than not seeing him at all!

[lejon]

I know how you feel as well.. it is a huge struggle for me every time we have to leave each other... especially hard is when he leaves my place, cause then suddenly I'm alone in the apartment with all those memories we shared in the past days.. it just kills me that we have to spend so much time apart when being together (physically) feels so right.

I still think though that it is better to spend time together no matter how awful it feels to say good-bye after the visits... it is still worth it. I haven't really found a way to ease the pain when departing -having the next date planned though really helps.

I hope it gets better for you and you still continue to see your SO as often as possible, even though saying good-bye is hard! Just keep in mind how important that shared time is and those memories will always be with you. Good luck

[Anonymous2]

We all understand that pain, especially if you don't get to see one another often. The way my SO and I try to douse (sp?) the pain a little, we try to know the general date of the next visit (if possible). When he leaves/I get home, I make a paper chain. Yes, it sounds so childish, but it honestly makes me feel a lot better being able to tear off a link every morning and knowing I am one day closer to seeing him again. You could do countdowns in other ways, and if you can't pinpoint an exact day, generalize it. Ex: summertime, a certain month, etc. Then you just have to hope that something happens and you can narrow that time frame down a bit more. You could always do something besides a chain like using a calendar. However, actually making the chain keeps me busy for a while (depending on its length), so that may be one reason I prefer the chain over a calendar. Hope this helps, and if I repeated anything someone has already said, I apologize. I didn't bother to read any other posts besides the OP's. I'm simply too tired. :P

OMG I love this idea! I've been using a countdown app on my phone and I'll occasionally screen shot the number of days left and send it to him, but your idea has so much more potential for distraction. I'm not artistic/crafty in the slightest, but I'm still going to give it a try!