SO not feeling the love

[kittyo9]

My SO has been really crazy lately, between starting a full-time job, training 3 hours a day, preparing for exams and applying to graduate school. It came as no surprise when he expressed to me that he was feeling very insecure in life and uneasy about where he was headed, and he feels like something is wrong with him. I have tried to explain that it's the stress of everything he's dealing with combined, that he is in new territory and he's adjusting to having a job and making big decisions, but he seems very invested in believing something is wrong with him.

Anyway, we had a talk today and he told me that it's not so much everything else that is stressing him as being away from me is. He says virtual affection isn't really doing it for him any more and he is having difficulty coping without physical affection. We haven't seen each other since August of last year and right now, we don't have plans to see each other again any time soon. I would love to go there for maybe 2 weeks if I could find tickets for <$600 (definitely doable), but I don't know when, and he'd have no time for me except on the weekend because he is really that busy right now, and I feel that if I'm paying that much for a plane ticket, we should get more than a couple of days together. I don't really have a couple thousand to toss around here and there, as I'm still working part-time and looking for a full-time job.

I don't really know what to do or how to help him right now. He says he doesn't feel supported because my support from a distance isn't cutting it.

I dunno. Thoughts appreciated.

[squeeker]

Aww I'm sorry you are experiencing that right now. It's tough that he is so busy right now and adjusting to new scenarios. I don't have much good advice for you right now.. but I just he comes around and is realizing it's him adjusting.. and that he can start to feel the love more again. Would it help if you sent him a gift or a letter, something a bit more physical to help tide him over until you can be together again? I'm not sure what you've been doing, but I'm guessing if he's working all the time, it's been hard for you two to talk online at all.. and it's a two way process. Could you do a video or something he could watch when he has time, of you talking to him or showing things in the day or something? That's something you could do when you have a few free moments even if he's busy and then something he could watch when he has a few free moments, maybe even before he sleeps or something. Maybe sending more pictures? Or making cutesy photoshop pictures of the two of you to send? Maybe you could write a letter or a story about how much you miss him and send it to him?

I hope you figure out something and he can see how much you are trying and hopefully he can come around and feel the love more and know it's tough for both of you being apart for so long.

I hope you two can meet soon and even be able to figure out closing the distance plans soon as well so you don't have to deal with any more. I also can feel the pain of not being able to visit for awhile because although the last time I saw my SO was in August of this year, the next time I can go there is probably over a year away, I'm not counting and I don't know a date yet. But it will all work out.

I wish you and your SO all the best and I hope things work out and you can get a visit soon. Take care and stay strong.

[differentcountries]

I must say I see mostly his side here. I am a physical person myself and I need to feel it. I cannot imagine how the two of you has managed to go without for over a year.

You could work on a compromise. you can promise to see him soon if he will will make more time when you are there, maybe every other day. if you are prioratizing him, he has to return the favour. In a little while his graduate school application will be done and his job not so new.

Why is he working out that much? I plan to work out 1,5 hours every day, I think that is much... at least he could do something the two of you could do together as a sport, then the two of you would have 2-3 hours together every day you are there.

[kittyo9]

Thanks for your replies. I'm appreciative just to be able to talk about it.

Yeah, with him being at work or at training so much, we only have about 2 hours in the evenings to talk. We do send messages whenever he has a chance to talk during the day and I send him pictures from my daily life via dropbox pretty much every day. We had our anniversary fairly recently and I sent him a cute little storybook card that I made. I think he still hasn't finished his anniversary gift for me, nor my birthday gift that he said he was working on... but I probably shouldn't bring those up because it'll just stress him out more. :x

I would really like to go visit him soon, but he has it in his head that he's going to save all his vacation time for July so that he basically gets 3 weeks off where I can visit and he can prep for grad school. He feels like spending $600 for just a week of being together and losing that in vacation time isn't worth it.

To answer your question about working out-- he's part of the national Wushu team in Peru, and as a requirement for being on the team, he has to go to training on the weekdays, which is usually about 3 hours after he gets home from work. It's a combo of gym and learning routines. Not really something we can do together as a sport, haha.

[differentcountries]

It seems that you still manage to get quite a lot of talking done every day (just about the same as us anyway). Weather you should bring up the gifts I am not sure... depends on how much time has passed, and he could be putting effort into making good gifts - though I see you would prefer them sooner than later.

I don't really understand what his plans are anyway. Is the problem that is he is extremely busy AND he is using his vacation to prep only/mostly? It seems very unfair to say that the two of you don't get to meet/touch when he is also counciously planning it (it seems he has a choice) so that you cannot possibly spend time with him even if you bend into a pretzel. Then it is better to say it like it is; that he is not willing to cut something else to be with you. Unless he is. See your point on the working out part We all have restrictions, but it is also up to him to work with those restrictions to create something for the two of you together. Love means prioritizing, it is as simple as that.

[squeeker]

Thanks for your replies. I'm appreciative just to be able to talk about it.

Yeah, with him being at work or at training so much, we only have about 2 hours in the evenings to talk. We do send messages whenever he has a chance to talk during the day and I send him pictures from my daily life via dropbox pretty much every day. We had our anniversary fairly recently and I sent him a cute little storybook card that I made. I think he still hasn't finished his anniversary gift for me, nor my birthday gift that he said he was working on... but I probably shouldn't bring those up because it'll just stress him out more. :x

I would really like to go visit him soon, but he has it in his head that he's going to save all his vacation time for July so that he basically gets 3 weeks off where I can visit and he can prep for grad school. He feels like spending $600 for just a week of being together and losing that in vacation time isn't worth it.

To answer your question about working out-- he's part of the national Wushu team in Peru, and as a requirement for being on the team, he has to go to training on the weekdays, which is usually about 3 hours after he gets home from work. It's a combo of gym and learning routines. Not really something we can do together as a sport, haha.

I think differentcountries has some good points already, but I wanted to reply too with my additional thoughts :P

I think it's probably a good idea that you don't bring up the anniversary gift or birthday gift because he is busy and you wouldn't want to seem like you are nagging him to finish them. I'm sure he'll remember with time, or maybe he's saving up for something.

I think it sounds like a wise plan to save your vacation time for a larger chunk of time.. it's what my SO and I usually do, because it is hard to arrive and then have to leave after such a short period of time. But it's also hard to wait that extra time.. I think since he already has it in his mind he will save it for then, then he's got to accept that it's probably not smart for you to spend the money when he doesn't have time to spend with you and save it for your trip in the summer. And remember that the time will keep passing, and at least you have a hope of visiting at that time, you are not totally without hope of any visit at all. Though I know I will be going crazy after it's been a year and I still can't be with my SO in person, but it's possible you just have to stay strong.

It's good that you can at least spend 2 hours in the evenings to talk, so you won't get disconnected from each other. Although I know that that can seem like very little because I am fortunate at the moment and can usually talk to my SO quite a bit, though a lot of that we are doing our own study for university and just have video chat running.

Just try and keep your chin up and remember the good saying that each day that goes by is one day closer to seeing your SO. And this is true even if you don't know the exact day that you will be visiting your SO. And save up your money and you won't have to worry about having enough money to do things together in the summer!! And if you make enough you can save up for future visits or closing the distance. Or also, if you do manage to save up double what you'd need for a visit, and you don't mind being in the same country as your SO even though he has to work a lot just so you can have a bit of closeness time, you could buy a flight ticket to see him.

Good luck

[Safihre]

I did it, I bought a ticket to go and see her even though she was convinced she'd never be able to make time for me in her busy school life.
Turned out it was one of our best visits ever. It was a huge leap of faith and she was convinced before that it might drive us apart instead of bring us together, since she wouldn't have any time.

We both are just like your SO, we need the physical closeness to feel the love the strongest.

So it is possible

[SJ22]

I did it, I bought a ticket to go and see her even though she was convinced she'd never be able to make time for me in her busy school life.
Turned out it was one of our best visits ever. It was a huge leap of faith and she was convinced before that it might drive us apart instead of bring us together, since she wouldn't have any time.

We both are just like your SO, we need the physical closeness to feel the love the strongest.

So it is possible

Oh gosh you're a guy!
Always just assumed you were a girl

[Ejoriah]

I'm sorry you're going through this, kittyo9. It's so tough when you can't provide the kind of support your SO needs. I do think you need to ask him how exactly he expects you to come visit you while he's telling you he's saving his free time for next July. That seems a bit unfair to me. At the same time, I know your situation is really tough, money- and distance- and immigration- wise so... if I were you I'd still try and go visit. Yeah it's a high cost but you haven't seen each other in so long, I think you both need it. I know, I'm like you that I think spending so much money on so little time doesn't make rational sense, but in this situation maybe your emotional well-being will trump that.

Anyway, good luck.

[snow]

What about you look for tickets for june now and book them now, with him? It could give him the certainty that you will be there in so and so many days and he will have something to look forward to.
I wouldn't just fly over there if he is so busy, because you only get to see each other so seldom and when you don't get to do things together it's a waste of money and time.

[lejon]

I have a little similar situation as my SO is very busy with university and training for GMAT, and also playing for his football team and going to the gym. He is very stressed out and needs my support, which is not always the easiest to do through the internet or phone.

What we have still decided to do is that we see each other no matter how busy he or I am... sometimes I've went to this place even though he has an exam coming up and we have scheduled a specific time for just studying (e.g. 10 hours a day) and after that working out and cooking together. And this has worked out really well although we might not even see each other until the evening... I know the distance is smaller and flights are not that expensive for us compared to you and your SO, but I highly recommend you getting a flight there even though it might not seem that you could spend the whole 24 hours a day together. Seeing each other is very important, and could ease his stress as well.

[Ahava]

I think Snows suggestion was good about booking the flights now for next summer.

[temporaryuser]

The past few visits to my SO have been insanely busy for him. There were days that he would get home at 2 am, crash and be up at 6 to leave again. it sucked for me, wanting to spend time with him. But for him, he got to sleep next to me, and he knew i was closer than if i was home. other days, our time together consisted of helping him study, driving him to school, bringing him lunch/dinner at school. Not what most people would consider quality time, but I have to support his efforts any way that I can.
Am I telling you to go visit him even tho his time is extremely limited? of course not. I too would go ahead and make concrete plans and purchase a ticket for the time he can get off in July. if he needs to see you before then, then go.

[kittyo9]

Thanks everyone for your responses.

We have discussed it extensively prior to this and both agreed that taking the time off in July would be good for him and a good opportunity for me to be with him. It wasn't a selfish decision-- we made it together. I think he recognizes that he can't have both right now and just wants to make it through until then.

Still, I'm considering taking a week off (maybe in February?) to go visit him earlier, if the price is right. Maybe a week when he has one or two days off from work due to public holidays. I kind of anticipate still not having a full-time job by then, so taking the time off won't be a big deal. :/ idk. I guess I'll stop spending money and save, haha.

I wish I could bring him lunch and stuff while I'm there! I'd have nothing to do all day while he was at work, and I don't speak Spanish, so I'm basically helpless without my SO.

[OperaDiva]

I don't speak Spanish, so I'm basically helpless without my SO.

I know this is off topic, but cant you take a course in the meantime? You really don't need that much to get around, it would make you way more independent and might even be good for the relationship. And Spanish isn't all that hard, as far as I remember