Lost and confused :(

[beliver]

So i live in Europe and my BF in south america, we meet in Europe, and decided to keep out relationship going.
Now we been together for 2 years and i start "giving" up.
I feel i love him too much to live without him

The situation is that he is studying (and still has 3y of studying), and he is living in a poor country that i cant just move to.

We been talking about him moving here and study here - but i dont see him doing any action on that?
- I offered to help, and to contact the school, just i need him to give me the questions he wants to get answered!
And when i ask him, he say he wants too and he will do it (now im just tired of asking)

He has family in my country, and when he comes to visit it always seems he is more interested in his family than being with me - i feel i am nr. 2 on the list!
Am i being selfish ?
Already the first day he is here he is calling his family member and if the family member dont have time, well then im lucky to have him by myself.

I asked him for a favour, to borrow me his email (long story) And he didnt want to give me his password? He has always been so secret about his passwords! and compared to me who never hides anything, that makes me SO mad! - if he wasnt that secret about it i wouldnt care, but i really want to check up on him now?

I feel i am the only one really trying to get us to live together and finally have a life together, and i feel that 3y is too long to continue like this I love him, but it hurts too much with the distance

Btw. He is comming here in 35 DAYS !

[Black_Halloween]

Okay, there are a few problems here and to be honest, its not him. I feel like you are pushing him to do something he doesn't want to do. He's just telling you he will to get you to (pardon my language) shush up. Constantly nagging him to do something is gonna cause him to lose interest in it.

Secondly, what makes you think he'll put you before his family? They were there first. It sounds like he's very close to them. So yes you are being very selfish. Have you even asked to meet them? If you get involved instead of pushing away it'll make everybody happier.

Lastly, you asking for his passwords is a violation of trust. Why did you need it so badly? My SO and I have separate accounts (facebook, email, ectect) and we give each other that trust. We've been together for almost three years. Even in a longer relationships people still need a certain amount of privacy. It doesn't mean he's hiding anything at all.

In shorter terms, relax. He needs to finish school before he can really do anything. If you can't handle three more years then you need to make a much bigger decision about your relationship.

[JET]

I asked him for a favour, to borrow me his email (long story) And he didnt want to give me his password? He has always been so secret about his passwords! and compared to me who never hides anything, that makes me SO mad! - if he wasnt that secret about it i wouldnt care, but i really want to check up on him now?

this is the bit that is a red flag. surely he would just give you it if he had nothing the hide? is he 'publicly' with you? or is it possible he's seeing other people and claiming he is just visiting family when he comes to yr country?

[snow]

I agree with Black_Halloween.
If I had family in my man's city I would contact them first, because they're my family and from what I understood he is staying with them. Of course he has to call them.

I also think that sharing passwords is not a necessity. I don't have my man's password for his email account, or facebook. I never asked and probably only will if there is a special situation, where I really need it, but until then, I don't see why I should have it. It's not so much about hiding something, it's about having privacy. I don't know what he has in his mail account nor does he know what I have in mine, but I trust him and he trusts me. Some people need their privacy and don't want someone to intrude it. I would not say this is a red flag, just a difference in opinion. You might like to be very open and he might like to keep certain things to himself.

About the moving and school thing - this is where you have to have a serious talk about. He either doesn't want to move to your country, or he might be scared that it could be too difficult to go to school there. Imagine him not speaking the country's language (I don't know, but south america and europe share only a few languages) and him having to study here. It might be too hard for him. You need to find out what's holding him back.

[Irina_Linn]

my ex used to be kinda the same.he would swear he loved me like no one ever could, but when time to action came-he was not a volunteer.i was pulling our relationship by myself
however,i do not think that borrowing mail has anything to do with trust.i would refuse simply because its privacy

[Ejoriah]

I wouldn't give my password to my boyfriend either and neither would he give me his. You say he's always been secretive about his passwords... but that's kinda what passwords are, right?

As for his family members... I can understand how that would be annoying, if you're only getting his time if his family doesn't have time for him. What if his family always had time for him - would he never make time to see you? Maybe that's something you need to talk to him about.

Also, studying in another country is a HUGE step to take - it is life changing. You really can't nag him into doing it. He'll do it when he is ready. And he may never be ready, but it's not your place to force him. You just need to figure out whether you can accept it or not.

[Laural007]

this is the bit that is a red flag. surely he would just give you it if he had nothing the hide? is he 'publicly' with you? or is it possible he's seeing other people and claiming he is just visiting family when he comes to yr country?

Sorry but I agree with this. I have my SO passwords for: his emails, his facebook, his online games and kik messenger as does he have mine. If there's nothing to hide why not just give it?

[Tooki]

this is the bit that is a red flag. surely he would just give you it if he had nothing the hide? is he 'publicly' with you? or is it possible he's seeing other people and claiming he is just visiting family when he comes to yr country?

Sorry but I agree with this. I have my SO passwords for: his emails, his facebook, his online games and kik messenger as does he have mine. If there's nothing to hide why not just give it?

That's bullshit. Perhaps her SO just respects his privacy, it's not a 'requirement' that we provide our SO with every personal password that we have. Feeling the need to push one's SO for their private passwords only shows insecurity, not a demonstration of trust.

OP, your SO is secretive about his passwords because they are just that. Perhaps he has his own personal information that he doesn't want to share with you, or it's just something that he's not comfortable with.

[Laural007]

That's bullshit. Perhaps her SO just respects his privacy, it's not a 'requirement' that we provide our SO with every personal password that we have. Feeling the need to push one's SO for their private passwords only shows insecurity, not a demonstration of trust.

OP, your SO is secretive about his passwords because they are just that. Perhaps he has his own personal information that he doesn't want to share with you, or it's just something that he's not comfortable with.

No, that isn't BS, that was my opinion just like you have an opinion. Neither one of us is right or wrong.

[mellif]

I think its a bit silly to share passwords to your every type of account with your SO-- what's the point? You're just going to freak yourself out if you log on your SO's account and read every email/message, checking for signs that he's cheating. Honestly, that just causes lots of useless worrying.

As for family, I think it's actually admirable when people put family first. You should ask to meet his family, but I'm sure that if he enjoys spending time with them, they're probably nice people that would love to meet you.

[Tooki]

No, that isn't BS, that was my opinion just like you have an opinion. Neither one of us is right or wrong.

I'm not saying that it's right or wrong to choose to share passwords, I'm saying that your quote of "If there's nothing to hide why not just give it?" is bullshit. As I said before, her SO may not feel comfortable in sharing the information and we all need more clarification if we want to give better help to the OP.

(Pardon my lack of clarity)

[squeeker]

I think that some people do have higher levels of privacy and have the need to keep their passwords secret.. maybe they will in time but it's such a common thing to not give out passwords to just anybody, he might want to wait a while longer, or might be embarrassed about stuff he's written in the past, because they are not a reflection of who he is.

I do have my boyfriend's passwords for most everything though I don't use them unless he asks me to check something for him or something like that and the same with me, though my passwords are slightly more difficult to remember. But that's just us. Everyone is different with their levels of privacy. When you have been together a few years, then it probably shouldn't be a big deal, but everyone has a certain limit and certain things they might want private.

Also I think you shouldn't worry about him contacting his family before you, if they live in the country. It doesn't necessarily mean he's putting them before you, but he has obligations to tell them he is there, and he wants to get them out of the way so he can focus on you.

Also about the studying where you are thing.. try not to push him on it. It sounds kind of similar to my story with my SO, and I wanted and still would ideally want to study in the UK to be nearer him, but have not been able to because of lack of funding the universities I would want to go to that are closer to him in the UK were not "designated" by my provincial student loan plan and I was having trouble getting the one designated so I ended up just going to university in my home province in Canada. It sucks because we have over 4 years of long distance until then.. though he graduates in a year and a half pretty much so he could start looking for a job after that and then hopefully we can at least visit in the summers, possibly other holidays though it is harder with no direct flights from Vancouver to Manchester, and also start saving up and then I will graduate about 2 and a bit years after and start saving and eventually we can be together.

Yes it sucks, it sucks to have to wait to be with the one you love. Especially if you see friends or other family members getting married and starting families and you can't yet because your love is far away.. but you can handle it. If you really love him, you will be able to find the strength to make it through, okay. Try and take a deep breath and relax, and remember how much you love him, try not to nag him about moving, try and listen to his concerns, and try and understand why he isn't taking action right now, and maybe what he likes about his school, maybe it feels easier to get it out of the way in his home country, maybe it will be cheaper, maybe he will feel more settled then when he moves to your country.. just try and listen and communicate and learn from him and realize where he is coming from. You can do this. I believe in you. Good luck

[differentcountries]

If he never shares his passwords with anyone (not family member, not his best friend) you can be pretty sure that the reason he does not want to share them with you is that he considers them private. Or is afraid that other people might get sloppy and loose them.

Personally I would not even be interested in getting the passwords of others (unless they were dead and I for some reason would have to sort through their things). I also would not give out mine, unless it was for some specific reason. I know my husband's password for Netflix because it is really our shared account. And I know the code for his VISA because I sometimes have to borrow it when I go grocery shopping (he knows my VISA code as well, for the same reason). Otherwise I just don't see the point and I would even get offended if someone tried to push my privacy. I don't let anyone read my diary or look through my personal letters, it is just private.

I say this from bad experience; please do not try to "fix all the practical stuff" in order to convince him to go through with the study. That will only come out as nagging. He is clearly not sure what he wants to do. Maybe the two of you should have a more open talk about your options. You say that there is not place/job for you in his country. Is that really true? Are there international companies? Work online? Could you work there a year for poor pay?

And if he comes to you, you really need to work on your relationship with his relatives. I see that you want him for yourself (in fact, we all do) but try to take some comfort in the fact that he gets to spend time with his relatives too, which makes him a whole person. If you really are planning long-term, it would be appropriate to suggest meeting his relatives, at least some of them. Introduce yourself as his friend if you have to. Or just brouse with him through pictures, take an interest in who everyone is in his family, what their names are. Also make sure he takes part in YOUR network and not just stay indoors with you (you should have plenty of time for that, too), but really engage in each other's lives. I think you will find that if you respect him, show curiosity about him and his life and keep your options open, the converstation about you future will become different. You are feeling lost and confused because you cannot feel the connection with him, maybe he is exeriencing some of the same feelings about you. Talk about it and try both of you to learn something about the other, that always pay.

[beliver]

Hi everybody!!
I didnt get any email notification that i got answers on this post

but just to answer as much as i remember here it comes:

I met his family many many times, visited them in his country and they've been in my country even when he wasnt here (and i always spend time with them - i LOVE them)
He has one family member here, and that family member here. - the problem is that he choose to spend time with the family he brings from his country like his #1 priority. (I see it like - He sees them EVERY day in his country, and he has me for such a short time) THATS what makes me sad - and it happend every time he been here!

About the studying - he wants too, and i am sure he does because his future would be much better with an education in europe. But ill have a talk about whats holding him back when he gets here.

About the password - i needed it to access a wifi connection because i had a looong layover and the only person who was online and in contact (time difference) with me was him (or i would have asked a family member) - But that was so i didnt die of boredom, so was just like a favour! I DONT want access to all of his accounts - and i dont want him to have access to mine !! That is a privacy thing ..
- I gave him my email and password when he had a layover for some hours so he wasnt bored - so i just was expecting he wouldnt mind giving me ! And now im still annoyed about this thing :/

But thank you EVERYBODY for understanding or not understanding and giving me ur points of view !! God bless u all and good luck in all of ur relationships <3

[nic&matt]

I'm not going to really repeat what everyone else said because I think it's pointless now.
I love your response though and thanks for clarifying the password issue (that was my biggest concern).

My random two cents is this: if you feel like you're carrying the entire relationship, it isn't a relationship.
You need to be upfront and honest though. I don't want to throw him under the bus since he's not here to defend himself. However, I would recommend only bringing up one specific thing you'd like to work on as a couple. If you come to him with a list of complaints, he'll either get defensive or tune them out most likely (I know my man does). Just tell him you feel like you're the only one trying, and work from there.

Good luck with everything! Keep us updated.