I'm losing interest and getting bored

[Kizuna]

(This can get a little long, but please bear with me!)

I met my SO on an online forum and we've been in a LDR for 2.9 years. (I live in WA state and he lives in Toronto, ON Canada)
Since we started dating, we've met in person 4 times, and I will be flying over to see him for Christmas.
For the first 2 years, we were having such a great time together (on skype), and we have a common hobby of watching anime.
I loved his kind and down-to-earth personality, and he was always optimistic.

But lately, things have been changing.
1. He is no longer optimistic, and is often in a not-so-pleasant mood.

When we have conversations, he unintentionally brings the conversation to a negative note.
We talk on skype every other day, or twice a week if we're both really busy, but I'm starting to lose interest in skyping with him.
Our skype chats are now very predictable, boring, and one-sided.
I've tried changing this by coming up with other things to do on skype, but it either doesn't last long or he wants to just "talk" with me.
As all of you know, things you can do on skype is limited, so it feels like I'm stuck in a rut.
I talked to him about this, and he says it may be because he feels irritated that he's back in school again, with not much saving, with school debt, and moved back into his parents house.
And when it comes to our common hobby of liking anime, he rarely makes time to watch anime with me because he's busy with studying and his internship.
But when we do watch anime together, we always end up watching the predictable "slice-of-life school days" kind of anime, since that's his favorite genre.
As for me, I get tired of that...I prefer to watch deep, meaningful anime. But he avoids this genre because it gets him worked up and it effects his sleep. (he can be very sensitive and emotional at times)

2. Closing the distance isn't going to happen for at least 2.5 years.

My SO is currently 31 years old, and has had no luck in the job market all his life. (I'm 23 by the way)
All his past jobs were in retail and he has always been miserable in that field. Which is why he decided to go back to school this autumn (for the 3rd time), to enter a 2.5 year program.
This means that we would be in a LDR for 5 years (including the past 2.5 years), which is something I definitely did not expect when I first entered this relationship.
The distance is really getting to me, and I feel that the relationship isn't going anywhere.

3. I'm losing interest/attraction towards him

I've noticed that gradually, over the past 3 months or so, my attraction towards him is drastically declining.
I know that the majority of the reason is because the spark in our relationship is diminishing.
I've never thought of him as annoying, but he's starting to annoy me with some remarks he makes. I don't know why I'm starting to be like this...

Another thing is my physical/sexual attraction towards him is declining.
I feel terrible for saying this, but I never really found him good looking. The physical/sexual attraction I had towards him rooted from his personality, which used to be more optimistic, kind, and gentlemanly. Now that those qualities in him are going away, I'm having a hard time seeing his attractive qualities.

It's one thing if we had that spark still going and I enjoyed his company, but that is diminishing.
I told him last week about all of this...and he wants us to work things out.
He admitted to me that he's been unpleasant to be around, but still loves me deeply and wants to be with me in the long-run.
He told me that when I visit him in December, he wants me to think over our relationship and see if I really want to continue this, if I really feel this way.


To conclude this, I really don't know what to do.
I deeply care about him, as he is the closest person to me. He's been a best friend, and the most understanding person I've ever met.
I know my heart would ache if I break up with him, and the thought of it scares me.
And I know for a fact that my SO would be hurt more than I would if we break up.
But at the same time, I'm currently not happy with where the relationship is going.
We only see each other 2 times a year, our conversations are boring/have tension, I'm losing attraction, and the future is hard to see.

I posted this since I need someone to talk to about this, and if you have any advice, that would be great.

[LDLovebird]

Im sorry to read that. I would suggest to hang in there till December till your meeting. Maybe he changes things on Skype meanwhile. If you see progress see if it makes you feel better about the relationship. If the love is still there and both work on the issues you might solve it. I hope your feelings get more clear over the next weeks. Good luck!

[kikidee]

I definitely get the stuff you are saying.

Sometimes, my SO and I would go through periods of boring skype calls to the point where I basically could care less if I skyped with him or not for days. Somehow, we always get out of it. And thankfully, we can visit once every 2-3 months so that kind of re-ignites the passion.

I used to be a little like your SO too. I am a student and going to a community college and living with my parents at the moment. All of that gets REALLY old and as spoiled as it sounds, your parents who are paying for your stuff get to be super annoying and controlling and you don't feel like an adult. Thankfully, I got out of that stage and realized that it was just plain annoying to complain a lot to my SO. Maybe you should tell him to put himself in your shoes. I used to date someone who was always complainin and it bugged the heck out of me, and that's what made me just quit cold turkey.

I watch a little anime as well (I used to a lot, but now just kind of watching one show) and just got my SO into it. But we both like the genre it has, and I def wouldn't want to watch a show/anime that I know my SO doesn't want to watch. Maybe you and him should find one you both can enjoy instead of him just choosing one. Chose one together before you start watching one you wont like. If not, maybe you guys can alternate? He choses one, then you chose one. I could maybe help give you some ideas if you want? xD

Also, while I do think my SO is cute, I think hes SEXY from his personality and mannerisms. He's very confident and I remember he had a hard night where he basically dropped all his confidence and with that I felt less sexually attracted to him. (Glad that was only for one night XD)
Hopefully your SO can change like I did once he gets used to his new predicament.

I think the hardest thing here is that you can't close the distance for 5 more years after already being in for almost 3. Or can you? Is there a reason you guys for sure can't get a cheap place while he goes to school? If you have a secure job or are going to school at the same time, I can see that being an issue.
I think you should wait till your visit to decide. I sometimes feel like quitting cuz I miss my SO, but the visits remind me exactly what I'm fighting for.

[squeeker]

I feel for you really.

I think that kikidee has some good points about looking at how he might feel.. It's hard to be a student and be living with your parents and not making money. He probably doesn't feel like he's being a very good provider because I know from discussions with my boyfriend that most men want to be able to provide for those they love. He's probably also getting depressed because he is getting older and still not in a stable career. I know my boyfriend is only 24 and he has gotten depressed from not being able to be a provider like he'd want and that's why he went back to university so that he could get a degree, and eventually a job. And I went back to university so that the pressure wouldn't be always on his shoulders plus then I could finally have a degree, because I kept quitting university because I didn't have a direction.

I know that the length of a continued LDR is hard. My boyfriend and I have been in our LDR for over 3 years now (known each other for over 4 years, met online) and we likely have 3-4 years at least of long distance ahead of us, so like maybe a minimum of 6 years in an LDR. It makes it harder because ideally I would have loved to study near him, but the universities or colleges in the UK that are nearer where he lives were not designated with my student aid funding and I was having trouble saving up for any university so studying in my home province seemed the best idea even though it sucks not being able to see him and not be able to save for visits and I feel bad because I have to rely on him more for things. But it was either this or I kept my part time flexible hour fast food restaurant job that I did not like and got stressed at and was able to visit him once a year but then couldn't save to close the distance and that's not great either. Though my boyfriend finishes his degree in about a year and a half and then things will at least start to look better for us, and if I stick with my degree, I'll have only about 2 and a bit years left of my degree.

I think that maybe you should try and think of other things you can share, I second the idea of trying to find an anime or other show you both will enjoy, or just enjoy the fact that he is enjoying it and you are watching it with him, and try and remember why you fell in love with him. I just wish you all the best.. if you just try and hold on and try and support him the best you can, when he gets closer to finishing his course and he gets closer to being able to get the job he wants and then eventually gets it, then it might cheer him up a bit.. also it might just help for you to try and understand where he is coming from, try and show him you care about him.. it might be what he needs to feel more reassured. Maybe try and tell him that it's okay that he is taking longer to get a job, and you still love him.. maybe he is feeling insecure about it. Just try and talk to him, and try and think of things you can do together online.. watch videos, share an interesting article, interesting recipe if you like cooking.. I wish you luck

[Dezface]

I don't ever think someone should stay in a relationship in fear of hurting the other person. That probably sounds callous, but it's how I feel. If you're not happy, you're not making the other person happy. They may be upset when it actually ends, but who legitimately wants to be with someone who doesn't want to be with them?

If he told you tomorrow he wants you to go your separate ways, how would you feel? Would you be devastated or relieved? I think that will give you your answer. Of course, don't underestimate how hard losing ANY long term relationship can be, even if you feel ready for it. So I would examine my feelings very closely before I made any decision.

I think for peace of mind, I would go on the visit in December and talk things through. But if you still feel the same way after, you're really not doing anyone any favors by staying when you're unhappy.

[I&A]

December is around the corner, my advice will be to just hang in there, I think that when you see him again, you can make a proper choice ...
Good luck!

[maja]

I don't ever think someone should stay in a relationship in fear of hurting the other person. That probably sounds callous, but it's how I feel. If you're not happy, you're not making the other person happy. They may be upset when it actually ends, but who legitimately wants to be with someone who doesn't want to be with them?

If he told you tomorrow he wants you to go your separate ways, how would you feel? Would you be devastated or relieved? I think that will give you your answer. Of course, don't underestimate how hard losing ANY long term relationship can be, even if you feel ready for it. So I would examine my feelings very closely before I made any decision.

I think for peace of mind, I would go on the visit in December and talk things through. But if you still feel the same way after, you're really not doing anyone any favors by staying when you're unhappy.

I agree with Dez, don't stay in a relationship to avoid hurting him - it will make you miserable.
However, some thoughts that came to mind while reading your post:
- I take it it's the first time you actually told him about the issue? In this case I think his reaction is very down-to-earth and open and the opportunity to work things out seems to be there, so yes, wait until your visit to give both of you a chance to talk it out in person.
- from what I gather he sounds like he is terribly unhappy with his situation and probably your situation as a couple. It seems to me that he needs a bit of help and support, have you actually talked about his feelings and problems/confronted him with it? Part of being in a relationship to me is helping each other through the rough times as well when one partner needs someone to pull them back up. I'm not saying you should become his crutch and therapist, but I would want to be the person that provides help or, if necessary gives the impulse to seek help professionally. Tell him you are there for him and supporting him, but he will need to work on his own happiness as well.

This is just what came to my mind when reading your post - I think it all depends on how you picture your future. Honestly ask yourself if see yourself with your SO and if you are willing to push through this tough time to keep him in your life.

I know this must a hard time, so lots of support from here!

[THINK2MUCH]

I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time.
Well, here's what I think (I hope it helps a little).

Using December as a deadline seems like the best option to me.
I would even consider not talking with him too often (or at all) until then. December is pretty much around the corner and that would give you an idea of what your life without him would be like.
He seems to have a lot on his hands at the moment, so it might help him too.

They say that "absence makes the heart grow fonder", and there is some truth in that. Maybe distancing yourself from the present situation will help you see things a bit more clearly.
I'm sure that at some point you will be able to see him for what he is (shortcomings and all), and decide if he is the right person for you.

My only advice would be that when you've reached a decision you make sure you're not confusing things.
He might be a wonderful person that you simply are not in love with anymore (it happens and it's truly nobody's fault). Now, that doesn't mean that he can't be a part of your life still, you might be better off just being friends.

You shouldn't stay in that relationship just to avoid hurting him, because in the long run that's exactly what you'll end up doing.
Loyalty and love are two different things. Remember that (same as you), he deserves to be with someone who loves him for real.

Good luck to you both!!!

[itsjen516]

just give it a few weeks im sure when you see him it will be alot better. its hard with skpe and texting things can get boring fast. bear with it for a few more weeks and if it dosnt work then just be honest with him

[Kizuna]

Thank you all so much for listening to me and giving me your advice.
To answer some of your questions, here's a bit of a back story.

My SO's first girlfriend is me, and we met when he was 28. According to him, he's always been a pessimistic person and fell into depression in his early 20's. His lack of career improvement, lack of friends, and shyness made him lose his self-confidence.
Although he was able to pull himself out of depression through counceling, he still has pessimistic tendencies (i.e. thinking worst case scenarios, unintentionally souring the mood), but learned to behave more positively in order to make more friends.
Now I know that the reason why he was so optimistic the first year we dated was because (1) he finally got his first girlfriend (2) his happiness of being with me made up for the crappy work situation (3) he actively avoided his negative tendencies to make me happy.

He mentioned that he's falling back on his negative tendencies when talking to me, because he feels comfortable enough that I won't walk away from him just because of his pessimism.
We've been extremely supportive of one another throughout the whole relationship. He is the type of guy who is in touch with his feelings and emotions and can phrase it well, so he has been a great emotional support and a wonderful listener. I too am similar to him in this way. And at the same time, we're not afraid to be honest with one another.
Although I've comforted and supported him through his difficult work/school/living-with-parents-again situation, his continuous rants and negativity is getting to me. He gets worked up very easily and overanalyzes everything, including the things I say.
I admit that I rant every-so-often, but I really dislike creating negative tension, especially when talking with my SO.

We've been having open and honest conversations about all of these issues, and he fully understands and wants to change for the better.
I've also tried on my end to make him more happier and comfortable, but it almost always ends up sour in the end.
It frustrates me that there is 0 progression.



There's just so many changes in this relationship that it confuses me.



Anyway, I decided to see how things go when I visit him in December.
Like many of you mentioned, I believe that looking at his face in person and talking will make it easier to set things clear, and know whether this relationship is worth continuing.