New here & stupid ex problem

[talim]

Hello!
I'm new on this forum (well, I'm not, but I never decided to write my own posts, lol) and just wanted to say thank you for all the support I see on this forum! It's just amazing!

I hope you will help me with one my problem. It's this:
Me and my SO are together for 6 months. Before me, he had a girlfriend for 2 years that treated him totally without respect, she cheated on him and was terible in various ways. They broke up 2 months before we got together. And the thing is, when you share your life with someone for two years, it's not that easy to let them go in a second. So, when I visit him, there is lot of her stuff she just left there (they lived together), like her books, jewelery etc. When I asked my SO if it would be OK to throw it all away because I'm not comfortable with it, he started to freak out and told me that he can't throw it away because she might want it back someday (and I think it's bullshit because he totally cut all forms of comunication with her). To make it clear, I don't think he has feeling for her. I just don't want to see her stuff all over his place, I don't even want to know she exists, I'm not comfortable with the thought that he slept with her on the same bed he sleeps with me etc., and my SO unfortunately doesn't understand that and thinks that I'm overreacting stupidly.
Do you have any idea how can I solve this? Thanks!

[snow_girl]

I was with the ex for 3.5 years. The next day after we broke up anything of his or things he had given me was hidden away in a box. I can say for sure he did the same as he told me anything I didn't specify I wanted back would be thrown out. There is absolutely no reason why he should still be hanging on to her stuff. If she might want it back then tell him to box the damn stuff up and tell her to pick it up. It sounds to me like maybe he isn't over her or the idea of her completely just yet. Two months is not that long of a period to give yourself before moving on. Tell him it's time to get rid of the stuff or at least put it away in a box, it doesn't need to be left out for any reason.

[Alsfia]

I think that if it's really bothering you you should tell him that, and if he says he's uncomfortable getting rid of her stuff in case she wants them back I don't see how it would be hard to send her a mail or whatever and tell her to either come pick them up if she wants them or they'll go. After all, if they were adult enough to move in together they should be adult enough to get their belongings sorted out after the breakup, even if the relationship was sour. Talk to him about it, personally I don't think you're overreacting, it would be different if it was his stuff you wanted to get rid of, however, I do think it's important that one learns to accept one's partner's past.

[CanadianGirl]

That would bother me too. I think it's reasonable to get it all put in a box. If she somehow does want her things back, it'll be quick and you don't have to constantly see it. Logistics-wise, say she did come by, it would be a long, awkward process to pick out all her belongings. If he finds that "unreasonable", there's a deeper issue.

[OperaDiva]

when you share your life with someone for two years, it's not that easy to let them go in a second.

You said it yourself. He is with you now, he should respect your wishes and needs and put the past behind, or in a box, as has been suggested.

[Rugger]

I think a box put way back in the attic or basement is reasonable. That way if she does every want any of it, you still have it but you don't have to see it everyday. If he freaks out over that, I would say that maybe he still has feelings for her.

[SJ22]

I dont really see the problem: tell him it makes you uncomfortable, ask if we wants to contact the ex wheter or not she wants her stuff back and put an ultimatum on it and if she doesnt show up throw it away. An other option is if he just drops off at her place if thata possible.

[talim]

Thanks for your sugestions! The thing is that even if she wanted her stuff, it wouldn't be possible for her to pick it up because she is living abroad now... Anyway, I will try to talk to him about it as soon as I get the chance.

[snow]

I would be hesitant to throw stuff away but I would definitely put them all away and contact her. If she doesn't want it - gone it is!
Ultimatums are not always the best idea, so I would refrain from that, however I would totally ask him to atleast put the stuff into a box, like many people suggested.

[Dezface]

I left a bunch of stuff at my ex's for over a year. I had nowhere to put it since he kept the house and I rented a room. He just boxed it up and put it in the garage. Problem solved.

[Irina_Linn]

i feel weird about his reaction to your offer.why would he freak out? like she means something to him still.but ditto what everyone said,just explain the situation.and its been quite a while anyway

[differentcountries]

I think reacting to it being the same bed is a bit overreacting. But I can see that you don't like to "swim" in her stuff.

I have a question? Is it really all decided which are her things? Because when my ex moved out it took a while to remember which all things belonged to and also devide everything from computer to kitchen utensils. If is really is just her personal stuff, box it up and store it, if possible get her parents to store it (get it out of the house). If it is a lot and space is a problem she could consider paying for the storage, if she wants the stuff. He has to man up an contact her about it even though it is uncomfortable to arrange it. Next to no-one thinks those things are any fun but they just have to be done. Now there will be space for you to put your stuff