My Impatience

[BillW]

This is my first time posting and I need advice.

We are both in our 40's and know what we are looking for in a partner and both feel that we have found it. We have known each other since 3rd grade (a long time) but lost contact since high school. We were both going through divorces when we met on FaceBook in April. My divorce was final in mid-July and hers will be final in mid-September. She has had her own apartment since June.

I have worked for the same company for 20+ years and have job and financial security. She wants to eventually go back to school to get her bachelors degree. She already has 2 years complete with 2 to go. Her living here would allow for her to do this.

We live 2 hours apart and because of our work schedules, we get to see each other a couple times a month. Financially, I can afford to support both of us and have asked her to move in with me. She wants to take things slow because she has made some bad decisions in her past but I feel I am being punished for her past relationships. Our kids are grown (18+) and she has met both of my children. They are okay with everything. I have met 2 of her 3 children and they are okay with us as well.

Issue: I have asked her to give me some kind of time frame for when she would move here and she just avoids the question. She does agree that it is the logical solution to being together and says that she does want to spend her life with me. We talk alot but I still miss her and would love to spend my life with her. I am obviously being impatient but I see no reason why we should be apart when it's not necessary (once her divorce is final). I suggested that we wait a few more months but would like to be living together by year end. Is that being unreasonable? I need to know that there is an end in sight.

She just lost one of her two jobs and is adding hours to her other job so that she can make ends meet. Her apartment lease ends in June 2011 but I can afford to pay for it as well. I told her we could use it for weekend get aways.

I want a companion, not a pen-pal. Am I being unrealistic in asking for a end date?

Bill

[HMA]

Personally I don't think you're being unrealistic for asking for an end date, but I do think you're moving very fast, and probably too fast for her comfort zone. I don't think it's unreasonable for her to ask to take it slow when her divorce isn't even final yet and she only moved out in June. Frankly I think jumping out of a marriage and into a live-in relationship right away isn't the best idea.

[paulawriteslove]

I don't think that you're impatient. You just want to make sure that you're not wasting your time and that you two will be living together at a certain point in time. Maybe she doesn't want to just depend on you, it could be something that is going in within her. I think you should tell her how you feel, and that you're able to support her and stuff. But I also think that you should give her some time to think this all out. Don't rush her into anything, she wants to make sure that everything will be okay after her divorce is finalized and stuff. I hope this helps.

[amb85]

I would have to agree. I see where you are coming from and I see where she is coming from on this situation. If I was her I wouldn't be jumping into anything too quickly either. You have to understand that she needs her time. You guys just reconnected in April so thats only a few months. You aren't being punished...she is just doing what she needs to do to feel comfortable.

[Silviar]

Personally I don't think you're being unrealistic for asking for an end date, but I do think you're moving very fast, and probably too fast for her comfort zone. I don't think it's unreasonable for her to ask to take it slow when her divorce isn't even final yet and she only moved out in June. Frankly I think jumping out of a marriage and into a live-in relationship right away isn't the best idea.

I agree with this, and I'd like to add my perspective as a female divorcee. From the way you've phrased things, it tells me she wants to be able to handle all of this independently. When you get out of a marriage and go through divorce, you need time to be able to spend getting to be your own person. That's what she's going through right now. Let her have that time and space. It doesn't mean she loves you any less or wants to be with you any less, but this is important to her.

The fact is, for her currently, it is necessary to be apart. Respect her space.

What I would recommend doing is keep things the way they are. With your stability, you can see each other probably around 3 weekends a month, as long as you don't have other commitments. Give her a chance to either 1) finish up her lease, or 2) finish school, and then bring up the possibility again. Or at least give her a chance to bring it up herself. She knows the offer is there.

You've got a companion already; just because she isn't in the same house doesn't make you less of a couple.

Welcome to the forums.

[Caity]

Patience is a virtue, as the saying goes. Maybe this is just a bit too quick for her. Going through a divorce is a big thing and she might need time for that to settle. And moving is another big step which can cause alot of stress, and just a few months is a really short time-frame for that. Just give her some time and let her take things at her own pace and see how things go. I hope this helps a bit =).

[agentholli]

I am divorced. I think that it isn't unreasonable for you to want an end date...but I believe you are moving to fast. After being divorced you need time to heal..do you really think that you can be over your ex in a month or two? My brother divorced last year, and he hasn't been divorced for a year yet, and he is now remarried. He hates it. He is soooo miserable. He wishes that he didn't jump right back into a relationship. I have been divorced for almost 3 years and I had to have my time to be independent...to be single and play around and do whatever I wanted. I did NOT want a man telling me what to do, or asking me where I have been, or making me check in, that sorta thing. Its nice to be alone again after a divorce and find yourself.

This is just my opinion...i hope that you can work things out.

[Zephii]

As some of the others said, give her time. Respect that she isn't ready. 40 might feel old, but you still have the rest of your lives to spend together, and that could be 50 or more years! Even one year out of that is comparatively nothing if it means when you do close the distance there is no resentment or regret.
Besides, women need independance too. The last thing a woman wants to do is move in with someone in a different town/city and be competely dependant on them. I'm sure she wants a partnership of equals, and all that.
Peace and carrots!

[Karringtyn]

I am in my fourties myself...having went through divorce..I needed my space too. I was in a relationship right afterwards and he was very pushy and wanted things right then...basically all or nothing...needless to say we parted ways. I am saying from my own personal experience take it for what it is worth...but please respect her space.. it will work out if you show her you are willing to wait till she is ready...trust me..it will be for the best ...

She has told you she wants to be with you...why does there have to be an "end date?"...just take it day by day and dont look at it as you are being punished for other relationships..but rather that she will be stronger because of those relationships and will be "complete in herself" for you.

I wish you luck...please keep writing...lots of support here..

[Čternity]

This is a tough one. I'm in my forties and divorced as well for nearly 8 years. Even now when we talk about m&m (marriage and moving) I still hyperventilate a bit and I get a bit paniced. Luckily Sllver has endless patience. I'm sure it's not that she doesn't want to do this, she probably just needs more time to re-establish herself and get over what has gone before so she can make a fresh new start in her life with you. It's not easy, talking helps, maybe find out specifically what's bothering her. I know for me I needed to know I could be totally independent before I could depend on anyone else again. I still have trouble leaning on him because I always like to be strong and fix all the problems I have myself. Having said that in an LDR it is important to have the end in mind, it helps with the hours of lonliness and uncertainty. I wish you well in sorting through this.

[BillW]

Thanks for the advice everyone. I have read numerous articles about LDR's and many tell me to have a end game so that the LDR doesn't go on forever. They say that an end date is important so both parties know when to take the next step or call it quits. It also gives you something to look forward to.

Unfortunately, I can't keep this up indefinitely. It hasn't been long and I told her that I can accept any time table but I need something, be it a year or longer.

[BillW]

thanks