ADD or am i being too lenient

[Hkh8871]

So for a little backstory- i have been dating this guy for ~10 months. we are long distance (he is in USA i'm in Europe studying to be a doctor and he has a full time job where he works 50/60 hours a week). we are together 6 months out of the year in total (3 months over summer and winter I'm in the usa and usually in-between he comes to visit me for 10 days when he can get off work). in the beginning our relationship was amazing- really sweet guy and nice but the last month i was in america we were having huge issues.

he wanted to be with his friends more, didnt want to always come see me since i live an hour away by car when we are both in the usa...we fought every weekend for 5 weekends and as a crescendo he didn't take me to the airport or see me before i left back to europe because of a fight- which he later profusely apologized for and felt terrible about.

he came to visit me last week (so about 3 weeks after this whole debacle) and we barely spoke in the weeks before his visit cause i was SO upset at him and so cold that I rarely messaged him or contacted him except with one word answers when he contacted me. while he was here i couldn't help myself and snooped- saw a conversation where he talks about his ex to his friend for a bit. well in that conversation his friend tells him that he should text his ex as a congratulations for getting into law school and that she likes knowing he still cares…to which my boyfriend replied i don’t want to text her while her boyfriend (his previous best friend) is still in the picture and that she had texted him earlier that day and his friend said oh well she asks me about your girlfriend (me) sometimes and that he tells her nothing other than we are happy to which my boyfriend replies “next time you should say ‘you guys should get back together’” and his friend responds with “will do” and then the conversation just went a different way!!

he dated this girl for 3 years in college and was supposedly a terrible boyfriend to her but he was heartbroken when they broke up and for a year he tried to get her back and it didn’t work…then another part of the conversation was him asking his friend (same friend) to bring girls with him and his friend said he only knows girls x,y and z (which are coincidentally my friends) and then my boyfriend responds with “aka those are the only girls my gf knows in this whole city” to which his friend replies with “ohhh ok”………………

this all happened about the middle of october when we never spoke so i gave him the benefit of the doubt and didn't bring it up and just kept moving forward. the entire time he was here he was so affectionate and sweet and holding me and kissing me. At nightwhile i am sleeping i feel him kiss my cheek and stroke my hair. And he still speaks of the future and what we will do next time we see each other.

When he left back to the USA I cried like I usually do and he wiped away my tears and held me and kissed me and said that its only 6 weeks til we see each other and that he had fun with me here. he has gotten better with communication- still no Skype or phone calls (international and time difference) but he texts me everyday and we talk as much as we can considering how busy we both are. He still hasn't said I love you after 10 months which is a bit strange and worrisome.


My biggest fear is that I am convincing myself of the worst in a way to protect myself. In my past relationships I have been hurt and cheated on and just treated horribly and I was so invested in these relationships and I put these men on such a pedastool that I feel as though my entire relationship with my SO now has been me constantly trying to convince myself that the bad is just around the corner, to not hold on too tightly or be too invested or to put him on a pedastool. That all these problems that I come up with are just in my head and in reality he is a good boyfriend- not the best type of movie boyfriend but a stable, committed nice guy.

My friend had told me that was the case because he does do everything for me- he sacrifices other trips to take the trip to see me, he takes me out, he kisses me and holds my hand and talks of the future together. But it’s the things like the communication (yes he is incredibly busy at work and there is a 6 hour time difference and he is very stressed out- he has a severe case of ADD and takes a lot of adderall for it), and that he hasn’t said he loves me yet that make me second guess everything. I did some research about ADD and being in relationships, but I just wanted to know if anyone has any advice about this

[Dezface]

While I don't condone snooping, what you found was a bit unsettling. Seems to me like he's keeping his options open.

As far as the other stuff-I don't see what having ADD has to do with anything. Him not spending enough time with you or refusing to see you off from your trip aren't telly related to his diagnosis. I guess you just have to decide what you're willing to deal with.

I don't see the communication being low while you're LD as a big deal-as you said, you're both busy. And you didn't really define what constituted him now wanting to see you while you were in the US. As in, how often was he willing to get together?

Have you told him you love him or are you waiting for him to say it first?

[OperaDiva]

I remember reading and replying one of your other threads about your boyfriend. It seems to me that you know very well there are problems in your relationship, and you are waiting for him to magically become someone he is not. Or you are asking us to tell you some secret fix-it-all spell or word, or action.
I am a big fan of this blog - https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/don...-thing-by-you/ . It has helped me a lot in my previous breakup and the healing process afterwards, so I would recommend reading past entries as well. Good luck!

[silvermoonfairy3]

I definitely don't condone snooping either, but what's done is done, and what you found would be a major issue for me.

It sounds like you're more invested in this than he is, and it seems unlikely that you're going to get the kind of attention and affection you want (and deserve!)

It might be time to take a long hard look at the relationship, maybe have a discussion with him about where the two of you are/what you're feeling, and see if it's something that can be worked on proactively, or else going your separate ways.

Good luck!

[Rachelm920]

My biggest fear is that I am convincing myself of the worst in a way to protect myself. In my past relationships I have been hurt and cheated on and just treated horribly and I was so invested in these relationships and I put these men on such a pedastool that I feel as though my entire relationship with my SO now has been me constantly trying to convince myself that the bad is just around the corner, to not hold on too tightly or be too invested or to put him on a pedastool. That all these problems that I come up with are just in my head and in reality he is a good boyfriend- not the best type of movie boyfriend but a stable, committed nice guy.

First I want to tell you that I know exactly how you feel. I've dealt with these feelings also, and they stem from my relationships with my exes as well, especially my ex husband. I have been trying really hard to convince myself that my SO is NOT my EX and he is NOT going to do what he did he is a different person who has been nothing but honest with my from the beginning, which he HAS.

Needless to say, what you found about him wanting his friend to bring other girls, and then asking his friend to suggest to his ex that they get back together. That doesn't sit well with me at all. I would've freaked at the sight of that and definitely brought it up. Imagine that cartoon character with the steam coming out of his ears... yeah that would've been me.

Your SO may be confused on what he wants. He wants you... he goes to see you, and he most likely cares for you but at the same time it seems he still has feelings for the ex. Then there's the whole "bring girls" text. I don't think it has ANYTHING to do with his ADD. Yes ADD may make it difficult to study, or concentrate at work but it doesn't make you want to get back with your ex and it certainly doesn't want you to "bring girls".

I know most replies have said they don't condone snooping, but by myself being in a similar situation I'm not going to lie, I've done it... Not so much with my SO but with my EX. If I were you I'd bring it up. He may start with the "you don't trust me" stuff, and it WILL cause an argument. If you were hardly speaking, that doesn't mean he goes looking elsewhere. GRR I'm mad for you!! It needs to be addressed or it will eat you up inside with "what ifs" while he's in the states and you're overseas.