How do I stop being clingy?

[PalmTrees]

Yesterday went well for the most part. I was busy for most of the day, as was she, and she called me when she was finished with her things. I was eating at the time, but I got up and we had a nice small conversation. This was around 5:30PM EST.

Towards the evening she wanted to play a game with me. We got on Skype as we usually do, but she wasn't talking much to me. She was talking to people around her, giving me one-liners if I tried to talk to her. Her Ex showed up around 10:15PM and she came back after and told me "That was awkward.." They have a lot of history. I didn't realize that I was on mute when I responded, but two minutes later she put me on hold.

I messaged her on Skype asking what that was about and didn't get any response. I actually didn't get a response until 1:20AM. I messaged her back pretty quickly and I didn't hear from her until this morning where she replied to my "I love you." with "Love you too. just needed.. space.."

Is that the proper way to go about getting space? I felt like it wasn't properly done.

[Black_Halloween]

No, that was actually really rude of her to do that to you. If she needs space she needs to say it upfront not after.

[differentcountries]

You two need to come up with a game plan on Skype. Some people prefer to sort of have it on in the backround. That will not work if the other person expects it to be right on and answers given right away. I "only" Skype with my SO about 2 hours a day, and we end it whenever the other person is busy or tired. You need to talk about how the two of you can create space for her as well as safety for you.

[PalmTrees]

I feel kind of sick in my stomach.. : \

To give you some background on myself, since I've only talked about her so far.. I think sometimes (read most of the time) a little too much about things. I'm usually very too myself. I can be a jealous, angry person sometimes. Under sometimes that rocky shell is a humble person who has a huge heart with a big thing for family values.

Today, We talked on her usual break time for roughly ten minutes. We joked around for part of the conversation, then I made it clear that I wanted to talk about what happened last night. She told me we'd talk about it later. She said she didn't want to be in that type of mood for the rest of her shift. I understood and she said at about the same time that we could talk about it later. She said she'd call me when she gets off.

I made sure to make her smile and we exchanged a few texts after hanging up with each other.

Tonight comes and I jokingly suggest that we Snapchat. She says, "I don't have time for that. I'm too attached to my phone already.. changing that.." Then she says I should Snapchat with a friend of hers that I met when I met her cause she uses it. Then I asked when she had time to talk about stuff and she told me she was resting before we talked. I told her I loved her, then she said "ttyl.."

It just feels hurtful for her to decide things that I can't talk about with her, because she isn't communicating properly. We used to be on the phone up to eight hours a day for the first month and a half. That's when we started sleeping on the phone with each other. She feels distant and all I can do is continue giving her her space.. but it's so hard. When we were together it was perfect.. everything was so perfect..

I'm trying to be as optimistic as possible..

[differentcountries]

I think you should just let this one rest. If she is uncomfortable, she is uncomfortable. It is not something the two of you can really discuss.

From what you are saying, I gather the two of you used to talk A LOT and now you are slowing down. And perhaps she is more comfortable with that happening than you are. And you too have more let it happen than actually deciced the level of daily conversation that you will be having. Maybe you should be proactive, like coming up with suggestions. For instance, ask her if she still feels like talking daily or if perhaps every other day might be enough. Or just try to do something completely different.

[PalmTrees]

Yes, d.c... Up to 9 hours a day on skype/phone for the first couple months. Towards the beginning of October it started to decline, then picked up as the day we got to meet got closer. The week following she began talking to me in smaller intervals, but was more open with me. This week she's been terse.

An update since my last post though:

Yesterday we talked minimally, but still the most we have all week. She was very direct about some things.. She said that I talk too much and that it becomes overwhelming. Towards the end of nights we've fallen asleep with each other on the phone. During these few hours I'm talking to her about anything you could think of, just to try and get her to open up. She sometimes does, but a lot of the times she's just tired from work. When I realize she's not interested in the conversation, I'll back off and start getting ready to fall asleep.

She said that she feels rude, because she feels like she has to carry her phone everywhere. I've been clear in our history about the ideology of 'just let me know you'll be busy.' I don't see it as some strict thing either. It keeps my peace of mind. I've been considerate to her in respect to letting her know that I'm doing something this day or if something comes up day of, I'll let her know too. There isn't really anything that she wouldn't know I'm doing. But, this week I kind of stopped doing that.. This past Wednesday more specifically. I just did things and let her initiate conversation. I would let her know occasionally that I was thinking about her, but nothing close to the past amount.

During the conversation she said she works more than she used to, which was true, last week was the most she's worked since I met her. I told her that I'd been giving her space and that if I'm willing to work with her on that, that she has to be willing to communicate with me properly. She replied to that with an apology and acknowledging that her mind is everywhere.

I asked this afternoon to talk to her tonight about our relationship and our future. Not giving any ultimatums, but wanting to define more properly what's on each other's minds. That openness in relationships is so important and I try so hard to make a point about it. Hopefully since we've been on the phone for approximately 5 minutes in the last two days.

I know I'm probably overreacting, I know this girl loves me to death. I just needed to vent and get my feelings out. I don't have a way to currently release except through talking. My ability to produce music is kind of on a hold until it gets shipped from California. I also don't start working until the end of next week. So, I'm kind of going crazy. I've been reaching out to old friends in the area to get out and stay distracted, but it's really not that easy to be honest.. especially when someone means that much to you.

I appreciate everyone for taking time out of their days to read my thoughts.

Cross your fingers for this conversation!

[Black_Halloween]

Maybe its just me, but I feel like you're putting too much pressure on her. She said it herself that she had a lot on her mind because of this job ectect and further talk about were your relationship is, the future it could stress her out to the point where shes had enough of it. All you need to do is to be there for her, she loves you so why not just let it go?

[silvermoonfairy3]

I agree that it's possible you're putting too much pressure on her.

It kinda sounds like she might be looking for something more casual, rather than the type of really involved talk-every-day relationship you guys have had.

Or is there some kind of finite period that she's working a lot, etc.?

If there's a specific amount of time she's just trying to get through (like working lots of overtime until after Christmas or something) that's a little different, and maybe she's just really dealing with lots of busy-ness and exhaustion, etc.

But, she's also told you specifically that your amount of communication is overwhelming. It sounds like she needs something that is a bit more casual and not so serious and intense. If you think you can do that, that would probably be a good idea. If you can't, because you want something more, then maybe you two need to have a serious discussion about that. Ultimately, it won't make either of you happy if she wants space and you want closeness and you're constantly grappling with each other over it.

Good luck!

[PalmTrees]

I ended up telling her last night that if she wants to relax, that she can. We ended up sleeping on the phone together. This morning we talked briefly and I reassured her that I know she loves me. Like I said in my previous post, I'm probably overreacting.. I know that I can. Pretty much gonna stop thinking after this post, but figured I'd explain some things a little more..

As for her working more.. yes, I'm sure it has something to do with her and I. I'm not sure how long she'll be doing it, but we agreed and have talked about seeing each other for New Years. I am completely understanding of her working and the idea of her being tired when she gets home. It just hit me like a truck when she went from talking to me for hours a day to minutes a day. That communication is vital.

She doesn't want something casual. She just wants me, in my mind, to stop reminding her of what she's missing (me). We've talked about the future (i.e. moving in together, family, where we'll live) not in a serious manner, but definitely allowing us to plan around things we want. I mean, I moved to Virginia to alleviate the cost of living, that everyone is practically familiar with, in California. Things like planning to see each other won't be as difficult now that we're within three hours of one another.

We'll talk again shortly. She said she'd talk to me about things today. Having talked to her this morning and hearing her voice was enough to make today a good day. Wooo smiles!

[Safihre]

Being a man that has had clingy tendencies, I strongly advise you to make things more light.

Yes communication is vital, but don't overreact.. No amount of communication will make LDR into CD, it will just never be.. So don't try to force it.

[PalmTrees]

We're kind of in a rough spot at the moment after a conversation we had tonight.

She said that she was trying to place her Ex in my position, because he's physically there and is texting her and stuff.. asking if they can try to work things out.. it's very difficult to hear stuff like that when I can't do anything about it. I just politely told her earlier that I would feel more comfortable if she didn't talk to him.

Because of this, I have a lot of mixed emotions.. I've cried a lot tonight. The only thing that got me happy was the thought of surprising her at work on Tuesday. I'm quickly going to plan this when I wake up..

I think if I don't do something drastic, that she's going to end up going back to this guy.. which is really hurtful, because she said she needs somebody physically there, which never used to be an issue -- although I understand.

What should I do? I'm really excited about the idea of surprising her at work..

[Black_Halloween]

You can't stop her if she wants to be with somebody else, that's her choice. What did she say when you asked her to cut off contact with him?

To be honest I think physically surprising her would stress her out even more. If shes really busy she won't even have time for you. Why not send her flowers instead?

[Fretboard_Magic]

Yeah, the surprise visit at her work idea does NOT sound like a good one at all in this case. You already know she wants/needs more space, so why do something that might irritate her even more, right?

As for her ex, if she is meant to be with him, then she is. You have no control over that. You can't cling onto someone who isn't meant to be your partner. Doing so would only make things worse between the two of you. It really does sound, to me at least, like the ball is in her court now. To be honest, I think the ball has been in her court for a long time. It sounds like you just keep jumping over the net to get in there and snatching the ball from her hands, so you could keep throwing it.

One thing to consider: one-sided relationship isn't a relationship.

[silvermoonfairy3]

Agree with the previous two posters. I think if you DO do something drastic, it'll push her away even quicker.

I don't think showing up at her work is a good idea right now. It will seem very pushy to her, possibly borderline creepy because it could come across as obsessive, especially since she just told you about her conflicted emotions because of her ex. It won't be romantic like in the movies. Most likely, it'll be uncomfortable at best.

Fret is right in that a one-sided relationship isn't a relationship. As much as it sucks and hurts, you might need to start preparing yourself for the possibility of a breakup. At the VERY least, I'd suggest giving her lots and lots and lots of space, as in, let her come to you. Not just for a day or two, give it a week or two. Let her get her thoughts together, take some time to get your thoughts together.

The quickest way to get her to break up with you is to keep clinging harder and harder and pushing the conversation more and trying to see her, etc. You have to let it be, and see what happens. It's possible that it just isn't meant to be.
Sorry, and good luck!

[PalmTrees]

You can't stop her if she wants to be with somebody else, that's her choice. What did she say when you asked her to cut off contact with him?

She didn't really have a response. I know that they have a considerable amount of history. But, not a lot of it is good. She did reply with, "I'm not with him, though.." Sure, I could send her flowers, but I think it's necessary to show her that I have the capability of driving up to see her. She said last night that when we met that she didn't think I liked her, which is strange, cause I have never smiled more in my life. I was more open with her than I have been with anyone else in my life.

She called me while she had been drinking to tell me this. She also told me that she misses talking to me. She really appreciated the ability to look at me through my eyes. Reiterating that her head has been everywhere. We fell asleep on the phone last night and we're supposed to talk today.

I know I said drastic, but I'm not changing anything. I'm still giving her space, I'm still letting her initiate conversations. I think I've seen a glimpse of the old her since yesterday.. with the way she talked to me through text and the fact that she called me back after our phone sometimes disconnects at night is really important to me. I think I'm still going to plan a trip up to see her. Of course those plans could change depending on our conversations throughout the day..