Our story and I need your help!

[innocentbutterfly]

1st how we met: (some of you probably know me from international section because I posted many topics when I was in doubt, however, he'eres all of it, ups and downs)

I met him online...on some facebook application and even then he had fake profile first until trusting me and told me that it's not real. He told me like 2nd day he fell in love with me (later now he explained he just liked me and said it well in a way to not lose me, because he really wanted to be with me and that his love developed later on), but of course I didnt pick it up then yet, but we kept talking, I started to like him, so he suggested a long distance realtionship...then a month or so into our relationship he checked me by faking another profile, then going on cam and revealing himself, but I forgave him that...he just wanted to make sure I was serious with him.

The beginnings:

We were in love and happy well for a fair half year. We fought occasionally, but nothing major, it was just our differences. We sent presents for birthday and I sent another for valentines day. All good. Then the time came when we started planning tickets and well we've had some problems there and he almost gave up already and well, changes began. Probably because of finally realizing this is real, we will meet and all.

We had many many fight like every few weeks, just because of differences, we thought of going separate ways, but something always made us make up, 1st it was him apologizing and stuff, but then 6 months in it was always me,..and it was same since then...once he even wanted to do some religious thing where you're guided from dreams (muslim thing) to decide if we'll stay together or not, it came to that point where he didn't know anymore if to stay with me or not..and well, he did it, his sister...he said she saw good and he calmed somehow, but he was ice cold a week or so...that was around March of this year, then we were good kind of...

then came the tickets ordering part.



The meeting;

3months ago I visited there. and he was amazing guide taking me to all touristic places, he even kept asking if there was something i wanted and he didnt do that i should say and he will. didnt let me use any of my cash too...insisted to buying small clothing presents for my family members and thanked me for coming and even apologized for not bringing a rose. He did show me he loves me and we did meet his friends and work friends and stayed in a hotel, then his house..he didn't hide me there, just he didn't want me to be on windows, because neighbours talk and they would tell mom and dad that were away that he has a girl at home and he couldn't be explaining that, because earlier he told mom he doesn't know when I come...she would say he's a liar obviously and they wouldn't like it him having a girl at home too I suppose, because it's not nice image in their culture.

i could say we totally clicked, it felt like really it's strong love..I mean we were walking around holding hands or hugging everywhere, we didnt really part and when I had motion sickness at busses he was always so sweet and let me rest on his shoulder on in his lap or sometimes when there'd be crowd he'd let me sit and kept looking me all the time, I felt his love, there's no doubt.

All in all it was great, but i tend to have this habit of getting ready long and sometimes he'd be frustrated by it and act a bit weird, like he got this habit of slapping my cheeks, though it wasnt like real, just like in a way 'will you listen and be good' its the only thing i didnt like so much. we stayed at hotel and later his house, but there i coulnd't like look out or anything, because his brother lives in upper floor and he didnt tell him i come, though he said he would. his parents went away for holiday and he didnt want neighbours to tell them he has a girl over. however, his family knows about me and his mother kept asking when will i come, but he said to her that he doesnt know...he wanted to meet me first. So everything is good, he even told his sister now that I was there, but I don't know. He tells me if 'im good' i'll meet his parents next time. For him language is more of a barrier, because he said he can't introduce me with his bad english...thought when he told his mother months ago about me, she wasnt against it or something, she just asked if I was going to be muslimand about language..and well yes, he wants me to be muslim...he clearly said if I don't want that we cant be together and well im christian, but i said i would consider if he really proved me to love me so much. also, he would want I move there with which I don't have a problem, I've loved his country way before him. Also he said I'd have to change my wearing style and wants me to wear a hijab, with which I'm not so comfortable, besides hijab is a personal choice, not a man's choice for woman right? The way I saw it, he does love me, he was loving all time i was there for a week, but he's kind of I think not dropping the idea if I don't do these major things that are important for him that he would have to let me go... When I was there he didn't like certain things from me, like my goofy side and sometimes kept saying he doesn't see a future with me like that...last day before leaving we talked about when I would come again and he came to conclusion the more ill come the more goodbey will hurt and even said he doesn't want to make me sad, that I shouldn't let any one, any man make me cry...it sounded to me like he was giving up, but i felt tears streaming down his cheeks when I touched them...I know he is not a crier, far from it, but could it be he just would rather give up than fight? he said all of it because he only gets 2 weeks of holiday time each year and this year he would use those days to visit his granparents and he doesn't want me to come while he works, because he wouldnt be able to stay with me (i wrote later on why) so basically if that's so i could only see him again maybe in one year and its impossible to be enough just seeing each other a week once a year...i dont know guys, what u think what should i do? btw he paid the plane ticket 1st time too...



After visit...(major changes):

I wasn't sleeping ok for 2 weeks I think since I returned home. I dreamt of him and kept waking in the middle of the night thinking he's beside me, I was really totally off. But he just wasn't he took it as, you were here, ok it was great, but now ur home. I dont know, maybe its in men's nature they take things so easy? Is hould mention he was my 1st real relationship ever. I kept my purity for so long, with him I just felt that's it, he finally is the one..and I let go with him. Maybe that was a mistake now that I think, because maybe, just maybe, that added a bit to him losing his interest. I'm not saying he was in it for sex, obviously not, he's way different than regular guys in his country, but maybe this distance just became and obstacle to him now and he doesn't feel it the same anymore as before... ideas/suggestions?

Now 3 months after visit, I just feel like he's distanced himself so much. Even I am getting bored and I dont know how to salvage this relationship. I know most of it is because of this distance. We had a major fight 2 days ago, wehn I thought it's over, and later when we discussed it he said maybe I should just accept we arent happy and that its enough clear meaning when I asked him what that means...


So what you get from all this, guys? And please dont get all negative on me. His birthday is in one month I thought of stuff I could give him, maybe remind him of our love and what we are fighting for, but as I said I'm running out of ideas to keep it interesting. At this point we are only kind of having a good time when, you know, we are 'having a good time'...u know what I'm implying to.

[innocentbutterfly]

The future (to be...?)
I didn't mention what he thinks about us living together, when I mentioned it, he said he wants it all slow, that he's not ready for marriage, neither for such a big life change yet, he still lives with parents and has no intention to move unless he said I'd get my own home there, because he says homes there are way too expensive and parents got a 3. floor house, he could basically live in the 1st floor and evict the tenants, but whenever I say it, it's like he is not ready...he emphasizes big concern on money, saying how I think we will live, I'm a student still, finishing and looking for work and he says how I planned this that just he will work and will give all salary to living and we won't have enough food, he says how I plan to get a good job there and says he doesn't want me to **** his life like that...I don't know, he sees so many complications and just says be patient and slow...he made me wait now to say the date again when to come visit him again, he doesn't want to discuss it now, though I know his holiday time will never be enough if he wants me to come just then...when we met his friends while I was there, work and regular, they all asked when he means to visit me, but he says he will not, because visa is hard to get...I wish he would, but I don't know this visa thing and even for 1st visit we talked much until he just said that I will come 1st...basically he says why would he visit my country when we would live there, though it would be nice he would come, at least so my mom could see him even though they couldnt communicate since she doesnt know any english. And well after another later talk about this he said he will not visit, not until he is sure and if we were to marry, then he will...

And I was there, we did have this conversation how we would make it work with him having only 2 weeks holiday a year and a possibility of only seeing him in one year again, because he doesnt want me to be there while he works and only see me few hours a day...and well he did kind of give me the vibe of giving up...he kept saying all week he didnt like my goofy and joking side too much and if I don't get more serious he can't imagine me as his wife like that...and well last day I cried, I'm not a crier, but I broke down and he said I shouldnt let any man make me cry...like he would be saying bye, even days before in the park when we saw a couple marrying he said he's not ready yet, like maybe after 30's and that he thinks i should find a better man, that he's not good enough for me...he even said that last night when i cried that if im ready to accept all and that i dont want him to slap me every day...but in the end i felt him cyring too, and he never cries, not for girls...


his friends arent a problem, i met them all,they were all nice and curious about me and us and my country and we talked. Met his boss and coworker friends too, none bad. His mom kept asking him a month before when i come and that she wants to meet me, but he didnt tell her because he wanted to meet me 1st and also say for meeting parents i have to learn the language, because he cant do it with his bad english. His sister too wanted to meet me, before she went back home with family (she lives in other country) but she left before i came. He never bragged that he had a foreign girlfriend, no one knew about a year. Then he told people slowly, last to parents and grandpa. Even his former boss called him crazy for that, but he told them all he believes me like i believe him and before at the beginning he was alwayr saying that he doesnt want me as just his girlfriend, that this is so little, he wants me as wife instead...but stuff changed after our major fight back in beginning of this year, because our fights always, they became too much, because of my insecurities and distrust, so he wasnt always like he is now


As for planning, we dont have any plan yet, we are waiting to see his work time and that he talks to parents, so I dont know if there will be any date if this keeps going downhill.

Plus because of all insecurities I think I became too clingy. He told me a few times he has a life and I shouldn't be checking on him when he's online so much, that I'm suffocating him and it's true I complain if I see him on a few times and he doesnt write me. So now sometimes he doesn't even write me as often as he did before (I think I kind of made him hate me) It's all because I have too much free time too. Plus that wish that i want to be near him and somehow close the distance to not lose him...I think I'm scaring him with it and maybe mving too fast? Its true we met only once in those 2 years being together...

[innocentbutterfly]

by the way I apologize for such a long post, but there was no way to shorten it all.

[differentcountries]

hie,

that is a long story but in a way it is not so complicated. He has a lot of family/religious obligations that means that you must participate in order for his life so "work". That means you getting dedicated enough relocate, marry, take on his religion and a new wardrobe - and learn Turkish good enough to talk to his family. Quite a change... He is scared that he will not be able to be the breadwinner and also that you cannot contribute due to your being a student. He has a restricted vacation and works long hours, in addition to living at home and wondering what the neighbours might think if they see him with a girl.

Firstly, if you are EVER going to consider doing all of these things to fit into his life (even if you are not against all of them), he has to be as flexible towards you as he can. By that I mean that he has to get to know you, and your country, and your mother. If he chooses to visit his grandparents this year, he should come visit you and your familiy next year. Also, how many hours does he work? My SO works 10 hours a day and still does not think twice that I should come to visit him when he is working...

Secondly, you must condider if you - let's say that the relationship is working - are willing to do all the changes he prefers. If not, is it something the two of you can negotiate? Could he live with 3 out of 5, or 4 out of 5? What are your language skills? And what are your conditions; what must HE do in order for you to feel safe and secure, giving that you will move most of your life to him?

Lots of questions... But I do see why you love his country (and possably him) though

[innocentbutterfly]

Hey differentcountries I see you can understand me, because you got your SO from the same country.

By work you meant liek actual work or on our relatonship? I try you know, but sometimes I just feel like giving up, because he doesn't do anything. I'm not saying I dont appreciate all he did when I was there, that he paid all and arranged all and everything, but like for future, he wants to take it slow. He says he doesnt like plans, because we never know future. He's more of a last minute planner and me being a very advance planner we clash here. I am learning turkish, but it's hard and sometimes I lose interest and sometimes I just have to study for exams and feel like I will do it tomorrow, I am a very bad procrastinator I know.

I get it that he is worried and wants to be able to provide first, but I think he should at least plan a little with me? Everytime I mention it he says he's tired of hearing the same stuff, that it bores him, that when he wants and can he will tell me, that before we wont do any plans for a date when to come again.


Well he would be flexible more as you see I think after his parents gave him some headstart, I think he is searching for some kind of encourangement/approval from them as I said it's not them oppossing, it's more of him thinking they would and not wanting to make big moves yet because of that and finances.

So I believe only after that he would consider meeting my family and coming over here, when he would be sure in a way that we could actually be together/get married. He told me that he will talk to parents when they're back home in one month and that maybe he could arrange that I would come earlier and that maybe his mom would want to stay with me, but here I see two problems, 1st being lanugage and second, how would we spend time? besides he also said he wouldn't be suprised she would want him to marry...now I don't know how much say he has in that being his life and religion rules...but if he's not ready, would he tell that to his mom and say we kind of need time together? Because it seems like he fears what parents will think, that they won't allow him to stay with me alone ever unless we marry. And that because of that he just doesn't see future. It's a real pressure on me.

He works 8 hours a day, but usually thats extra one hour or two getting home and finishing work, so basically you could say 10. And he never wanted me to come when he works, It was my idea, to somehow see him more as he only gets 2 weeks per year, how else could I see him more?

And well over time I think if I would do most of what he wishes we could work together. And well I'm not really demanding, I just want him to love me and care and work on our relationship, help us always stay close. The rest I think we could do one step at a time if I would be to live there.

I just wish he would be more of a planner, because this not knowing anything for future is making me so insecure...I'm bringing those fights and I know I'm destroying everything, because I'm insecure, but I feel like I'll lose him and he'll find someone else there when he'll just get tired of waiting me

[differentcountries]

Hey differentcountries I see you can understand me, because you got your SO from the same country.

By work you meant liek actual work or on our relatonship? I try you know, but sometimes I just feel like giving up, because he doesn't do anything. I'm not saying I dont appreciate all he did when I was there, that he paid all and arranged all and everything, but like for future, he wants to take it slow. He says he doesnt like plans, because we never know future. He's more of a last minute planner and me being a very advance planner we clash here. I am learning turkish, but it's hard and sometimes I lose interest and sometimes I just have to study for exams and feel like I will do it tomorrow, I am a very bad procrastinator I know.

I get it that he is worried and wants to be able to provide first, but I think he should at least plan a little with me? Everytime I mention it he says he's tired of hearing the same stuff, that it bores him, that when he wants and can he will tell me, that before we wont do any plans for a date when to come again.


Well he would be flexible more as you see I think after his parents gave him some headstart, I think he is searching for some kind of encourangement/approval from them as I said it's not them oppossing, it's more of him thinking they would and not wanting to make big moves yet because of that and finances.

So I believe only after that he would consider meeting my family and coming over here, when he would be sure in a way that we could actually be together/get married. He told me that he will talk to parents when they're back home in one month and that maybe he could arrange that I would come earlier and that maybe his mom would want to stay with me, but here I see two problems, 1st being lanugage and second, how would we spend time? besides he also said he wouldn't be suprised she would want him to marry...now I don't know how much say he has in that being his life and religion rules...but if he's not ready, would he tell that to his mom and say we kind of need time together? Because it seems like he fears what parents will think, that they won't allow him to stay with me alone ever unless we marry. And that because of that he just doesn't see future. It's a real pressure on me.

He works 8 hours a day, but usually thats extra one hour or two getting home and finishing work, so basically you could say 10. And he never wanted me to come when he works, It was my idea, to somehow see him more as he only gets 2 weeks per year, how else could I see him more?

And well over time I think if I would do most of what he wishes we could work together. And well I'm not really demanding, I just want him to love me and care and work on our relationship, help us always stay close. The rest I think we could do one step at a time if I would be to live there.

I just wish he would be more of a planner, because this not knowing anything for future is making me so insecure...I'm bringing those fights and I know I'm destroying everything, because I'm insecure, but I feel like I'll lose him and he'll find someone else there when he'll just get tired of waiting me

I might misunderstand, but I thoght somewhere in there you said that he brought up the subject of what you will do for a living in his country/that you can not work yet because you still study. But by all means work on the relationship too

Me and my SO are a bit similar; I am a great planner and he lives in the moment, even though he uses big words about the future. This I try to take as a positive challenge to relax a little. On the other hand, planning practical stuff with him is a nightmare (trying right now to book tickets og hotel for January!). I know that is just the way he is, and I love him for being who he is, I know he is not trying to annoy me. He is actually a bit scared of the word plan, *laughts*. To his mind, a plan is very definite but a suggestion is ok. So I try to have suggestions mostly

I think I will have a go at learning Turkish but it seems oh so difficult.. I think I will just try to learn pronounciation and some words first, I know it will take some effort to learn the other bits so that will have to come later. I am not that well will language in general, I know some German and an tinsy bit of Spanish and that's it.

I think it is unfair of him to think of a future with you and yet not be able to at least make a loose plan for the two of you to meet. It is good that his parents are not opposed to your relationship. Maybe he is looking for something to tell them. Like you should get married... the real issue here is that before you could ever considering marrying him, you must get to know him more. And if you are to get to know him, you must spend time together both online and in person. If you can go over there and spend like a week (or a longweekend), he might be able to live with you in yoru hotel or come visit you there. He must be able to see your point of view. Like I said, he works even less then my SO does so I don't think he really has an excuse not to see you when he is working. Yes he will be tired from work, but possably also rejuvinated from seeing you! I get that people usually court very politely in Turkey, but then at least they get to see each other often so it is not really comparable. He has to do some adjustments, too, if it is going to work. Try not to nag him, but just tell him this is something that you need and that you hope he will find it in his heart to stretch towards some of that.

Another option, apart from going straight into marriage, would be to relocate yourself there through work or studies. But if you don't mind marrying him, given that he proves more flexible, that is perhaps not neccesary.

Maybe the two of you can learn how to plan in a way that does not make him feel stressed and does not make you feen insecure. Perhaps he is not used to international travel and the way things must be planned in ordner not to become very expensive or just not possible to do. He might also, like my SO, be a bit resigned towards the fact that not too much holiday/free time is to be had and afraid of missing out on work etc. And I get your need to plan things, not just the practical side of it, but also knowing he is comitting. Try to understand each other's point of view. Even if you are insecure, tell him you are very willing to do your part and that you would love a future with him. Try different things to get the bond with him going again. Best of wishes for the two of you to work things out

[Alsfia]

Reading your story there's some important questions I think you have to thoroughly think through and answer honestly and as objectively as you can.
1. Converting from one religion to another is a huge step, there'll be a completely new culture to get to know around it, and are you really ready to follow new norms and rules?
2. Are you willing to leave your family behind for a guy they don't know?
3. Are you going to be happy with repressing a part of your personality (your goofy side) for this guy, or will you start resenting him?
4. Will he stop slapping you?
5. Are you sure you don't want a career?

[JET]

Okay am I the only one who saw this post and thought - hr basically used you for your Virginity? He slaps you, upsets you by saying you can't be yourself because he doesn't like it, tells you you aren't good enough to be his wife and doesn't seem to want to see you?

[conejita_hada]

It sounds like he wants to control you. Including the points already brought up, a few things stood out to me:
1. Slapping your cheeks - I took it as it was a reminder for you to be good which accentuates the "not good" factor in the action but aside from that, ANY type of physical contact like that is a gateway toward violence against you down the line.
2. Insisting you wear a hijab - you're right, that's YOUR choice, as a woman and as an individual. I have Muslim friends who wear the hijab and Muslim friends who refuse. It was not popular to wear until the 1970s with the emergence of different political and social revolutions. It is supposed to be the person's choice, not someone else's because it is your vow between yourself and God.
3. Converting religions - You're Christian which means it's not "mandatory" you be Muslim, they're from the same root and appreciated in the same vein. Islam celebrates main Christian elements. Aside from that, you didn't say you wanted to convert because the religion appeals to you but that he wants you to. How does he think this is an actual conversion? You can say the words to "convert" but that does not mean in the eyes of God, or any other Muslims, you are Muslim unless it is what your heart wants for yourself.

I don't mean to come off as harsh, I hope you don't take it that way. I became concerned reading, especially these three points, of your post. None of the Muslim or Turkish guys I know would act this way to their significant others because as the SO you are supposed to be cherished, respected, and treated as an equal.

[LadyDaemon]

To the two above me: I and many others have told her the same things you both have brought up and she never listens. She asks for the advice but when it's not happy advice she either counters it with saying 'he's a realist' or some other excuse or she just completely stops responding. In the international section many have pleaded with her to see his true colors and leave him and she doesn't but still continues to post about the same issues.

To the OP: I'll say it now like I have in many of your other threads and hope that maybe it sinks in this time. Drop him and move on.

[TwoThree]

I doubt it will sink in this time.

Look, I'm sorry to be harsh, but I don't think that you're really reading and thinking about what people have told you countless of times. This "relationship" has gone from worse to worst (worst being him slapping you) and yet you still come back asking for "help" and disregarding what people say and finding excuses. Sorry, we can't do anything for you. You should talk to either a counselor or at least a "real-life" friend. They would maybe make you realize that you should have ended things a long, long time ago.

[Mairja]

My immediate thought after reading your (the OP's) posts, were "run, run away as fast and as far as you can".

I can't say whether it's due to his culture/upbringing, religion or personality, but your SO comes across as someone who wants to control you, your thoughts and your actions. Him slapping you to "discipline" you, is a very very bad sign, and I can guarantee you that will only get worse if you stay together and you move there and get married. From everything you tell us in your posts, I see one red flag after another, and I strongly advice you to end the relationship and end it now, even though it will hurt. If you don't, you will end up hurting a LOT more down the road. And I'm sorry but I'll be blunt - yes, he probably used you for sex, and as a trophy to show off to his friends - and no, unfortunately I don't think he loves you, at least not the way you deserve to be loved.

[innocentbutterfly]

well guys I think u all are looking so much deeper into those slaps when they weren't like that. However I have to think what to do and no one says we are decided to marry or anything, maybe just meet one more time to be sure if we really get along together, not just one week. If it comes to that, I'll see how it goes. Thank you ll for good and even bad inputs.