Moving in...with family?

[Bbth]

Hi everyone :P

I almost never post here, but I really like this site and I get happy in hearing from other people in love and coping with distance so well (even though I don't have much time to keep myself up-to-date with all the new posts)

Anyway... Today he didn't go to work and I only had one class so we spent a lot of time together. We were watching Star Trek when my sister came to me crying and we needed to pause. After that, he asked me if everything was ok and I told him she was nervous because she is moving in out of our parents house next year. He asked if I could talk to my parents for him to come live here when she moved out (we currently share the room, so, technically, there would be a free bed...). I got extremely happy!!!!!!!!!! We had discussed this possibility before, but he always refused and said we must have our own place and it is not right for my parents to help us, economically speaking. But tonight he just... changed his mind!

Well, we've been discussing for a while now the possibility of him moving to Brazil and we have looked at some rental prices and jobs together, but we decided to wait a little because things were more expensive than we thought. I asked him: "Are you ready?", he said "YES" and we agreed to talk to my parents in the right time. He thinks they might not let it happen and I think they'll probably want us to get married, which I told him, but he just answered "but we want that too".

Right now I'm very happy, excited (crying ) and I want to share it with the world hahaha I have 5 exams next week at college and I can only think about what he said . I'm telling myself it is not something completely certain yet, it is a big thing and we need to talk this through with our families. But I must confess there are a few things worrying me:

1-It sounds VERY WEIRD in my mind to live with your bf/be married and still live with your parents... But, honestly, if it means closing the distance, I'm willing to do it. It is just weird lol
2-Will this work? I mean, we haven't seen each other in person yet. Not because we don't want to, but because none of us have the money to do so (and he was too proud to accept help). And now he's willing to leave Russia like that, get married, have kids and all...
Idk, it makes me wonder even though all we want is to be together no matter where

Thanks for reading

[Yaaamiii]

First, I think it's great that you guys want to close the distance, I bet that sounds really exciting and I know I'll feel the same way when I close the distance in a few months .

However, I do have some food for thought that perhaps you should consider:
1. I'm not entirely sure I would recommend moving in together before you've actually met. You two need to see how you work well together in person, not just from a distance. If you really want to make it work, and be responsible about it, perhaps you two should wait until you're more financially secure. Moving away from your home country, getting married, and having kids are all HUGE steps. I mean BIG. They shouldn't be decided on a whim, the pros and cons need time to be thought out thoroughly, processed, and then you should decide whether this is a smart decision for not just you two, but for you and him as individuals.
2. Living with parents while married tends to put a stress on the married couple. I understand that it is financially better, but it's not the most mature of decisions, as it's not your parents responsibility to take care of you guys. If anything, you should at least be helping them pay for bills :P.

Please don't take any of this as harsh, I'm just trying to be honest. Best of luck in whatever you choose to do.

[Lucky]

I agree with Yami

Adjusting to living with a man is hard enough, I have lived both with my parents and by myself, it's soo different to be living with your boyfriend (we lived together while planning our wedding). I have also traveled around my country and there were a couple of times I was offered to stay at relatives for a while, my rule is never stay more than 2 weeks and depending on the people that might be pushing it.

Is there any way you could afford a tiny place for when he comes? it's very important neither of you is pressured when you meet, what if there is no chemistry? what if there is too much and your parents are around? it would be extremely awkward in either case.

You can rent that place for just a month, it doesn't have to be glamorous, just a clean safe place for him to sleep when you go back home, walking distance would be ideal. If after that month you both feel comfortable and your parents agree then I guess he could move in with your parents...

Who knows? with some luck he already has a job by then, do you live in a touristic area? or will he be a student? does he speak the language?

[differentcountries]

I can see that you are happy he has so much faith in your relationship. It is nice to have someone you like cherish your common future!

The two of you are obviously on the same plate here. Then there are practical concerns to consider. No, living together with your parents is not an obvious choice, but it can be done, at least for some time. I guess the plan is for you to get your own place when he gets work and perhaps you are finished school? If you are planning babies too I guess you will need more room...

[Yaaamiii]

Also, I'm not entirely sure how this works since I've never been in an international LDR, but wouldn't he need a visa and such, which takes a lot of time and money? I'm not sure how it works in Russia or Brazil.

[Black_Halloween]

I would like to give a slightly differant perspective. As you can tell, my SO and I closed the distance afer only one 8 day visit. Did we plan on him moving in with my parents and I? Nope. His school closed and there was one close by so it was the logical choice. We share my room, ectect.

By a series of events he was able to move in. Would my parents have let him move in without meeting him first? Probably not but i would have had no issies with it. Why? From the day we met i fell in love wiyh him unconditionally. We had faced challenges and go through them together.

The other posters are not wrong for wanting to be careful but sometimes you just know that its going to be a forever love.

As long as your parents are okay with it i say go for it. Take a chance on love

[Ejoriah]

I did the crazy thing of moving in with my online boyfriend in his parents' house without ever meeting. After two years together we eventually called it quits because were not compatible. Honestly when I saw him the first time at the airport and we kissed, my heart sank because there wasn't quite the chemistry I was hoping, but I did my best to make it work and eventually knew I had tried everything.

Even with all that, I still say you should be careful. I went to the U.S. to go to University and so I had that to fall back on, and I'm having the time of my life and have met (hopefully) my future husband. Make sure he has something to fall back on in case it doesn't work out between the two of you, as well.

[Lucky]

Very good point Yami, in this case I think Russians are allowed 90 days in Brazil which should be plenty of time to figure out if he wants to stay or not. After that I am not sure, probably a simple adjustment of status after marriage like in my country would be the fastest way to go.

@Ejoriah: I am sorry it happened like that but I am glad you did have a back up plan! your story reminded me of a good penpal I used to have.

Lovely and sweet Greek girl fell in love with mexican guy, she moved in without meeting him. Guy promised they would get a place but never did, she was stuck at his parents but at least her sister had come with her so she had someone to talk to in her own language in person. Both were treated as unwelcome guests after a week by the mother and that put stress in the relationship. She did love Mexico but was so dependent on him she had to go back home after her permit expired because he never did anything to help her stay, she would just wait on him all day and she didn't speak the language, to top it off they lived in the country side so she couldn't just go and look for a job or anything!

[digitalfever]

I may differ in opinion BUT....

1. I don't think it's a smart idea to agree to have someone you haven't met to move into your parents house. You know your boyfriend online but this just isn't safe and it could commit you to a relationship that you end up not wanting to be in. Realistically, your putting a lot of pressure on a relationship that you have yet to solidify in person. I would avoid this option at all costs and wait. You are 21 and I think you should consider the fact that you haven't met your boyfriend and committing to have him move into your family home is a HUGE deal. He becomes your parents responsibility. I think you have to consider your parents wants/needs since it is their home. Do they want a stranger living in their home? that? What type of compensation is he going to give? Will he work? What if he can't find a job? There are so many variables here.



2. I think you should have an extended visit and then decide where you go from there.

[sarahjane1992]

I may differ in opinion BUT....

1. I don't think it's a smart idea to agree to have someone you haven't met to move into your parents house. You know your boyfriend online but this just isn't safe and it could commit you to a relationship that you end up not wanting to be in. Realistically, your putting a lot of pressure on a relationship that you have yet to solidify in person. I would avoid this option at all costs and wait. You are 21 and I think you should consider the fact that you haven't met your boyfriend and committing to have him move into your family home is a HUGE deal. He becomes your parents responsibility. I think you have to consider your parents wants/needs since it is their home. Do they want a stranger living in their home? that? What type of compensation is he going to give? Will he work? What if he can't find a job? There are so many variables here.



2. I think you should have an extended visit and then decide where you go from there.

I agree with this. There's also the visa question. Never been in an international LDR but that's a common thing like Yammi mentioned.

Moving in with someone without meeting in person is a little bizarre to me. Spending time and visiting one another needs to happen first.
That's just my opinion.

[Jazi]

Well, I think it is completely insane to close the distance without ever having met.. but regardless of that I am going to address the topic of "living with your bf/being married and still living with your parents"

My SO moved to Australia 4 months ago - he moved in with me, at my parents house, I have 3 siblings and currently we all live here together (7 of us). My SO had done FOUR trips (over the space of 2 years) to my country/visiting and staying with me and my family before moving here. We got married just over a month ago and still are living with the parents and it works for now, the dynamic and everything is completely fine. My parents like my SO being around and living with them is actually a really good way for them to get to REALLY know him before we set off into our own place. It took my SO about 3 months to find a job, he has been working full time for about 2 weeks now. Now that he has a good job (yay money) we can move out into a little rental place of our own - nothing fancy.. But we do really feel like we want to live as a young married couple on our own, but really, if we HAD to continue to live with my parents we would make the best of it and still be happy .

If my parents didn't allow my SO to move in with us we would have had a hell of a hard time closing the distance - on the amount of money I make we wouldn't have been able to rent a place, and the fact that my SO had to quit his job back in the UK to move here/had to look for work with no guarantee of finding a job within a set timeframe we might have been in a position of him struggling to find work for god knows how long. Luckily he was able to find something good within a few months, but that isn't always the case.



I also actually know a couple who have always been in a "close distance relationship" who used to rent their own apartment, they were planning their wedding and were wanting to buy their own place but couldn't afford to whilst renting - so they moved back in with her parents and lived there whilst they saved a deposit to buy a house - they lived with her parents just before their wedding and then whilst they were married. So they completely did that out of choice to save so they could buy a house quickly.

I believe living with your boyfriend/girlfriend/fiance/husband/wife and living with parents CAN work. I just would never in a million years move in with someone without having met them and done some visits. I also think that the least your parents deserve is for them to be able to meet your SO/get to know him before they have to live with him.

[Alsfia]

I've lived for a couple months with my SO and his family and will live with them for another 6-7 months, come January... Even if I'm very grateful for letting me stay with them, I would much rather have a place of my own, since it's extremely stressful for both my SO and me and his family to have me there, I can't imagine how it would ever have worked if I hadn't gotten to know them during our many visits earlier. My brothers girlfriend lives with us during weekdays as well, and even if it works fine it's not ideal and rather stressful for them both.

[I&A]

So happy for you!! I think it should be very exciting! But I agree with Yaaamiii in this:

[QUOTE=2. Living with parents while married tends to put a stress on the married couple. I understand that it is financially better, but it's not the most mature of decisions, as it's not your parents responsibility to take care of you guys. If anything, you should at least be helping them pay for bills :P.[/QUOTE]

I think you both living with your parents may work for a lil' bit, but after then, your parent's are going to drive you both crazy! I can bet on it, because I've seen it before. If you think you can move out fastly, maybe it will be nice to do it for a while just to close the distance. Wish you best of luck!

P.S. I love russians too! haha

[MZVIRGO82]

I personally couldn't agree to have someone move with me and my family without meeting them in person first. I understand that you guys are in love and you feel like you know your s/o ect, but you truly do not know a person until you have moved in with them. Trust me I found this out when I moved in with an ex and I am even learning things I didn't know about my current s/o now as we just closed the distance. Moving in with someone takes some adjusting on both ends and will be an adjustment for your family as well.

If there is any way possible for your s/o to come and meet you and your family in person, take advantage of it. It would give him sometime to venture around the area and see what kinds of opportunities would be there for him as well as getting to meet you and your family. Meeting someone online is fine, but meet him in person before making such a big decision.

Also develop some sort of plan as to how long you all would stay with your family and if possible, help cover the cost of you all living with your family by contributing to the household expenses/bills if at all possible.

Hope this helps!

[Zephii]

Like others said, visit first.

Also, I believe that being in your twenties, if you think you're reading for a serious relationship with marriage and kids you need to get out of your parents house. I know some people do marry and then keep living at home, but give your parents a break. They just dedicated their last 20 years to you, let them have their lives back before you build your own