My LDR is in danger! Advice needed.
Hello kind Reader,
My name is David and I came here because I need advise on my LDR. I looked on Google for relationship advice but of course LDR relationships are different and I didn't find what I was looking for. So I hope maybe some of you people can give me real good objective advice to a young soul trying to find his way and do the right thing.
So I guess I'd better introduce the situation.
---------------
Photos:
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?p...&id=1010130295
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?p...&id=1010130295
My name is David, and my girlfriend is Elena. I am 19 years old, and she is 16. I live in the United States, and she is German.
Stage 1: The meeting
It all started while I was an Exchange student to Germany last year 2009-10 and during the second half of the year I changed families and started attending her school. I met her through a friends friend and there was initially no interest. However we seemed to start hanging out somehow and eventually I realized that she seemed interested. So one day we had watched a movie together and I felt at that moment that the time was right. Right before she was to be picked up by her mom I made a move and simple went in and kissed her. (literally 1 sec before her mom knocked) So that is how it all started on Cinco de Mayo (5/5/2010) in smalltown Germany. We only had 1 3/4 months before I had to leave to return home but it was a blast. We saw eachother almost every day not limited to school. We did everything we could together. The Day came eventually, we knew it was coming, I had told her that I was leaving hundreds of times before we even started dating to try and shake her but that had never worked. She knew full well that this was part of the price of our relationship but she still wanted it! She makes me feel beautiful when I have esteem issues. Alas the last night was beautiful and yet terrible. She must have cried for 3 hours in my arms, we did nothing but sit in bed together holding on. I haven't cried since I was 8 years old, yet I balled my eyes out as I watched her drive off...
Stage 2: the LDR and our plan
So things started off okay, we tried hard to prepare for it. We skype a healthy 2 times a week for about 4 hours a session and we don't have any boardom problems. If we don't have anything to talk about we'll just play online games together like bowling on skype or something. (nothing nerdy like WOW) I found a job right away so I could start saving money. I put off college for a year because I made plans to fly out in February to visit for 3 weeks or so and that wouldn't work with college. In addition my parents can't pay for anything because they are broke and have no jobs, so it is all up to me. Being financially challenged (as I like to put it haha) is hard.
I want to work as well as apply early for scholarships and grants for the Fall 2011 Semester. 
Anyways She also planned to come out next summer for as long as possible as well (3-4weeks). She has 3 years left of "high" school in Germany. (11,12,13, yes they have 13 grades) So our plan is basically to visit each other as much as we can in these next few years until she is done with high school and then she'll move in with me here in America and attend college. Then we'll get good jobs, get married, get the kids and the house on the hill, lalala, happy ending. Everything is fine and peachy so far but I'm starting to worry about some things...
Stage 3: My Doubts
Ok I'll use a pro con approach to organize this
Pros:
-I love her. Shouldn't this be the answer? Why is there an issue if I love her? Do I love her as much as I think I do?
-I have tremendous feelings for her. In other words, this issue is not caused because I am interested in someone else or was just using her to fill my need (although I do need love like everyone else). My worst fear ever is breaking her heart.
-She loves me. She tells me this and I believe it, she never cared for anyone else the whole time we were together in Germany. And she is always so enamored with me over skype, genuinely though, one can tell.
-She wants to spend the rest of her life with me! Heck I would be the luckiest guy in the world to have her, she's smart, beautiful, and oh so very thoughtful.
-We are so natural when we are together. We had so much fun!
Cons:
-She is 16. Now I know this is not really an issue, 3 years in NOT a long time Especially when you get older. But she is 16! She's had a 1/2 bf before me and thats it. She was never in love before! Is she really ready for this commitment or is she really just a 16 year old in an adult relationship. I sometimes wonder if it would have been the right thing for her and me if I had not initiated the relationship. Most of the Cons are symptoms of her age I think.
-I'm 19. (not to shovel all the cons on her) Maybe I'M not ready for this kind of commitment yet. I love her, the thought of not being with her makes my eyes watery! But I don't know if I should be signing my life away at this age, she may or may not be the right one for me! I put off college for her and I got left behind by all my friends for that. Am I hurting myself for a lost cause? I know that if our dream were to come true it would be the best thing ever! But unfortunately I am a slight realist so sometimes I doubt these kinds of things.
-I feel like I am doing more damage to her life than helping. She doesn't hang out with her friends anymore, she says they are boring and she just misses me so bad. I try to tell her to go out with her girlfriends and have a great time just letting go and having fun but she can't, she says its just not as fun without me. I don't know how to help her become more independent. It's one thing I like in a girl is a certain measure of independence where the girl will do her own thing and live her life high with or WITHOUT me present! I don't want her to miss the best years of her life thinking about me all day! Maybe it will wear off?
-Some parts of our characters don't match up. She is more shy than I am, while I try to be friends with everyone, I hate cliques and how people treat others as losers, so I make a point to befriend them, sometimes getting labeled as a looser myself. I think this attracted her. But her shyness and and fear of embarrassment is sometimes a turn off to me. In the long term I am concerned that my free spirit and friendliness would be tamed by her fear and I don't like cages. (typical guy I know..) Oh, btw she is however very thoughtful and loving! (to me at least)
-Her Dream is different than mine. She wants the good jobs, kids, big house, etc. while thats not as important to me.
-In essence, I feel like we may be too young for this level of commitment, as a 19 year old man this is the usual feeling is it not? She of course sees no way it could ever end which I would expect from a 16 year old who has never had a broken heart. It works sometimes but is it always best or am I holding her back from experiencing life the right way? She shows the exact Bella-teenage-girl-first-love symptoms that I'm afraid of, I dont want her to chase a fairy dream. Am I tying her down so young in life, keeping her from experiencing many things? Is she tying me down from spreading my wings and living my life as I should? Or am I just thinking about this whole thing selfishly!!!?!?! I've experienced heartbreak before! it was terrible!!! but worth it in the long run. However I don't want a heart break!!!! Especially not for her! (can't be avoided in this case...) It's like watertubing, you hold on so hard but you feel the pull to let go the whole time! Do I go with the natural flow of the water and let go (suffering the impact), or do I hold on against the flow and ride through the bumps?
Side Notes:
-I've been told by many others that it won't work. They say "just give it a couple months, they'll be done". This angers me, and makes me feel like staying with it just to prove them wrong!
-We speak German together, this is my second language (took alot of work to learn it), she can speak English well though. However it can be an obstacle sometimes when sharing deep emotions and thoughts.
-I don't want to give up on this because I love her and I can imagine us together forever, but I know it hurts us right here and now in our young lives and I will miss so much of life, she will miss even more!
-Is she really the only "One" in the whole world for me and vice versa or is this just an illusion that we convince ourselves of. What is love then? a feeling? a commitment? is it such a good idea to commit so young? Am I being terribly self centered here and have selfish alternative motives that I am not personally unaware of?
-Am I a man-hoe? Thats what I feel like. I know if I did end the relationship this is what they (she) would label me as no matter what the reason. Elena wouldn't understand! :'( (maybe one day) I only want to do whats right for both of us! Would it be worse later on down the road if I let it wait!?!? (and then it didnt work out) or is it better to do earlier? (and what if it would have worked out?) Will I ever forgive myself? Are any of these issues legitimate!??!?! >_< FML!!!
WHAT ADVICE CAN YOU GIVE ME???
I know most of you are pretty biased towards pro-LDR so please try to look objectionably at my situation as it is different than yours. I am also pro-LDR, I've done it twice now... O.o obviously not the best outcome on the first one, but I didn't try then, now I am, but I feel as if its wrong...
Please write back, sry it was so long,
Sincerely a lost young man,
-David M.
My name is David and I came here because I need advise on my LDR. I looked on Google for relationship advice but of course LDR relationships are different and I didn't find what I was looking for. So I hope maybe some of you people can give me real good objective advice to a young soul trying to find his way and do the right thing.
So I guess I'd better introduce the situation.
---------------
Photos:
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?p...&id=1010130295
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?p...&id=1010130295
My name is David, and my girlfriend is Elena. I am 19 years old, and she is 16. I live in the United States, and she is German.
Stage 1: The meeting
It all started while I was an Exchange student to Germany last year 2009-10 and during the second half of the year I changed families and started attending her school. I met her through a friends friend and there was initially no interest. However we seemed to start hanging out somehow and eventually I realized that she seemed interested. So one day we had watched a movie together and I felt at that moment that the time was right. Right before she was to be picked up by her mom I made a move and simple went in and kissed her. (literally 1 sec before her mom knocked) So that is how it all started on Cinco de Mayo (5/5/2010) in smalltown Germany. We only had 1 3/4 months before I had to leave to return home but it was a blast. We saw eachother almost every day not limited to school. We did everything we could together. The Day came eventually, we knew it was coming, I had told her that I was leaving hundreds of times before we even started dating to try and shake her but that had never worked. She knew full well that this was part of the price of our relationship but she still wanted it! She makes me feel beautiful when I have esteem issues. Alas the last night was beautiful and yet terrible. She must have cried for 3 hours in my arms, we did nothing but sit in bed together holding on. I haven't cried since I was 8 years old, yet I balled my eyes out as I watched her drive off...
Stage 2: the LDR and our plan
So things started off okay, we tried hard to prepare for it. We skype a healthy 2 times a week for about 4 hours a session and we don't have any boardom problems. If we don't have anything to talk about we'll just play online games together like bowling on skype or something. (nothing nerdy like WOW) I found a job right away so I could start saving money. I put off college for a year because I made plans to fly out in February to visit for 3 weeks or so and that wouldn't work with college. In addition my parents can't pay for anything because they are broke and have no jobs, so it is all up to me. Being financially challenged (as I like to put it haha) is hard.
I want to work as well as apply early for scholarships and grants for the Fall 2011 Semester. Anyways She also planned to come out next summer for as long as possible as well (3-4weeks). She has 3 years left of "high" school in Germany. (11,12,13, yes they have 13 grades) So our plan is basically to visit each other as much as we can in these next few years until she is done with high school and then she'll move in with me here in America and attend college. Then we'll get good jobs, get married, get the kids and the house on the hill, lalala, happy ending. Everything is fine and peachy so far but I'm starting to worry about some things...Stage 3: My Doubts
Ok I'll use a pro con approach to organize this
Pros:
-I love her. Shouldn't this be the answer? Why is there an issue if I love her? Do I love her as much as I think I do?
-I have tremendous feelings for her. In other words, this issue is not caused because I am interested in someone else or was just using her to fill my need (although I do need love like everyone else). My worst fear ever is breaking her heart.
-She loves me. She tells me this and I believe it, she never cared for anyone else the whole time we were together in Germany. And she is always so enamored with me over skype, genuinely though, one can tell.
-She wants to spend the rest of her life with me! Heck I would be the luckiest guy in the world to have her, she's smart, beautiful, and oh so very thoughtful.
-We are so natural when we are together. We had so much fun!
Cons:
-She is 16. Now I know this is not really an issue, 3 years in NOT a long time Especially when you get older. But she is 16! She's had a 1/2 bf before me and thats it. She was never in love before! Is she really ready for this commitment or is she really just a 16 year old in an adult relationship. I sometimes wonder if it would have been the right thing for her and me if I had not initiated the relationship. Most of the Cons are symptoms of her age I think.
-I'm 19. (not to shovel all the cons on her) Maybe I'M not ready for this kind of commitment yet. I love her, the thought of not being with her makes my eyes watery! But I don't know if I should be signing my life away at this age, she may or may not be the right one for me! I put off college for her and I got left behind by all my friends for that. Am I hurting myself for a lost cause? I know that if our dream were to come true it would be the best thing ever! But unfortunately I am a slight realist so sometimes I doubt these kinds of things.
-I feel like I am doing more damage to her life than helping. She doesn't hang out with her friends anymore, she says they are boring and she just misses me so bad. I try to tell her to go out with her girlfriends and have a great time just letting go and having fun but she can't, she says its just not as fun without me. I don't know how to help her become more independent. It's one thing I like in a girl is a certain measure of independence where the girl will do her own thing and live her life high with or WITHOUT me present! I don't want her to miss the best years of her life thinking about me all day! Maybe it will wear off?
-Some parts of our characters don't match up. She is more shy than I am, while I try to be friends with everyone, I hate cliques and how people treat others as losers, so I make a point to befriend them, sometimes getting labeled as a looser myself. I think this attracted her. But her shyness and and fear of embarrassment is sometimes a turn off to me. In the long term I am concerned that my free spirit and friendliness would be tamed by her fear and I don't like cages. (typical guy I know..) Oh, btw she is however very thoughtful and loving! (to me at least)
-Her Dream is different than mine. She wants the good jobs, kids, big house, etc. while thats not as important to me.
-In essence, I feel like we may be too young for this level of commitment, as a 19 year old man this is the usual feeling is it not? She of course sees no way it could ever end which I would expect from a 16 year old who has never had a broken heart. It works sometimes but is it always best or am I holding her back from experiencing life the right way? She shows the exact Bella-teenage-girl-first-love symptoms that I'm afraid of, I dont want her to chase a fairy dream. Am I tying her down so young in life, keeping her from experiencing many things? Is she tying me down from spreading my wings and living my life as I should? Or am I just thinking about this whole thing selfishly!!!?!?! I've experienced heartbreak before! it was terrible!!! but worth it in the long run. However I don't want a heart break!!!! Especially not for her! (can't be avoided in this case...) It's like watertubing, you hold on so hard but you feel the pull to let go the whole time! Do I go with the natural flow of the water and let go (suffering the impact), or do I hold on against the flow and ride through the bumps?
Side Notes:
-I've been told by many others that it won't work. They say "just give it a couple months, they'll be done". This angers me, and makes me feel like staying with it just to prove them wrong!
-We speak German together, this is my second language (took alot of work to learn it), she can speak English well though. However it can be an obstacle sometimes when sharing deep emotions and thoughts.
-I don't want to give up on this because I love her and I can imagine us together forever, but I know it hurts us right here and now in our young lives and I will miss so much of life, she will miss even more!
-Is she really the only "One" in the whole world for me and vice versa or is this just an illusion that we convince ourselves of. What is love then? a feeling? a commitment? is it such a good idea to commit so young? Am I being terribly self centered here and have selfish alternative motives that I am not personally unaware of?
-Am I a man-hoe? Thats what I feel like. I know if I did end the relationship this is what they (she) would label me as no matter what the reason. Elena wouldn't understand! :'( (maybe one day) I only want to do whats right for both of us! Would it be worse later on down the road if I let it wait!?!? (and then it didnt work out) or is it better to do earlier? (and what if it would have worked out?) Will I ever forgive myself? Are any of these issues legitimate!??!?! >_< FML!!!
WHAT ADVICE CAN YOU GIVE ME???
I know most of you are pretty biased towards pro-LDR so please try to look objectionably at my situation as it is different than yours. I am also pro-LDR, I've done it twice now... O.o obviously not the best outcome on the first one, but I didn't try then, now I am, but I feel as if its wrong...
Please write back, sry it was so long,
Sincerely a lost young man,
-David M.
English is not my native language). What I'm trying to say that I think my ex really liked me more because I was confident and he wasn't. He tried to become confident by hanging out with me.
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