Virtual relationship is not a relationship?

[Maisy]

So I met this guy through an online game that we both played and still play. Within a few weeks he expressed he had feelings for me. That's where our relationship started to develop and grow. In the beginning he was very attentive, we loved spending time together in game, we would talk on skype, whatsapp, at some point even on webcam, we shared photos and had conversations that would only take place between people who are in a relationship. We made plans to be together and meet up but he seemed to start distancing himself even though we would send each other messages every day. He stopped saying he loved me, got irritated when I used smilies and pet names for him, criticizing me on mistakes I make writing in his language...
I will be visiting relatives soon and will be in his country, giving us the opportunity to at least meet up. When I told him this I got the "I'm not sure if I just want to be friends with you" response, and later on in that conversation it went to "I can't start a relationship with someone I don't love".
As you can imagine I am feeling very hurt, confused, angry and betrayed right now, and my immediate urge is to tell him exactly how I feel but that will only damage things and make me look stupid and desperate. Instead of begging and pleading I'm trying my best not to contact him and move on with my life, find new hope and goals even though it's hard as hell. But a big part of me still wants him back and interested in me again.
After not contacting him he dropped me a message after about 3 days saying he hadn't heard from me for a long time, which I responded to in a friendly and polite way. This was 3 days ago now, and there has not been any contact since.
Somehow I just can't get over the reasoning and the fact that 'since there was no physical contact' there was no relationship because it is opposite to what he said and how he behaved in previous months.
Right now, I am not sure how to deal with all of this and am still hoping he will be curious enough to meet up when I'm in his country, even though "400km is a bit extreme for a cup of coffee and if not this year I might be able to see you next year when I finish my apprenticeship and have some free time"
Thanks for reading my story, I welcome any thoughts and tips on this..

[dragonlady]

sorry to say but forget him and move on, he apperently cant do it
good luck

[LadyDaemon]

I agree with Dragonlady. The guy very obviously has no clue what he wants and doesn't sound as ready as he may have portrayed before to be in a relationship. He's to wishy washy. I'd really just move on and find someone who's more worth your time and energy.

[kittyo9]

A virtual relationship is still time spent getting to know another person. You don't have to kiss or hug or whatever to consider it a relationship.

I think this guy is just not interested in or ready for a relationship like this and it would be better to move on to better things.

[rufuz]

I can understand him a bit... I don't really know if I could start a relationship without having seen the other person in reality. I mean, how you act through text and camera can be so different to reality. I'm pretty sure you can have a crush on other persons but in my opinion there's much more missing for a relationship. Maybe for him it was just a flirt how he acted ... Did you talk about being in a relationship? Or did you just think you are already in one?

On the other hand I don't understand why he didn't tell you right at the beginning what he feels for you or that he doesn't look for a relationship, it's not fair that he hurts you so much now. Maybe something happend in his "real life" that made him act like he's doing now... there could be so many reasons, but it's not fair to hurt you like this without giving a good explanation.

I guess I also agree with the other comments that you should forget him... He's not worth it if he hurts you like this.

[Maisy]

He has definitely seen this and expressed it as being in a relationship before, told me he loved me, wanting to meet up as soon as possible, have a future together. Made promises, and basically now saying a lot of time has passed. It's just very disappointing, having sacrificed time and energy to be available and work towards that goal and then being reduced to someone to talk to when extremely bored. Friendship is definitely not an option here in my opinion, that's for sure.

[Elizabeth123]

I'm in my first LDR and we met in a chat room. Then started texting, then phone, etc...
If he won't put the time into real communication with you now what could you expect of him in person?
Probably very little. Move on and value yourself enough to find a better person.

[Ejoriah]

I had the same thing happen to me, but in real life, in that the guy was all over me, told me he really wanted to see where this could take us, that I was everything he had been waiting for... to suddenly change and said he never cared about me that way and that I was reading too much into things.

Talk about a slap in the face.

Some people (men and women alike) just don't know what they want. They say some things because maybe they feel right or at that moment in time they feel that it's true. Or maybe they enjoy the "getting-to-know-you" phase where everything is rose-tinted and romantic and not at all the daily reality of being with another human being. In my case, I never got a straight answer. I don't think you ever will, either. I think it's a cop-out that this guy says the relationship wasn't "real." You're interacting with another person and sharing details about yourselves, that is a relationship even if you can't touch each other!

I'm sorry you're hurting like this. I wish you good luck.

[Deleted]

I'm going to second everybody else. First of all, I think that virtual relationships DO count as relationships! Other people may disagree, but you're still getting to know someone, and that, per se, is a relationship.

It seems like he's distancing himself from you, which can really hurt especially since it seems to be right out of the blue. It's not very mature of him to do that.

It's possible that he needs his space and you're not giving it to him. Seems odd that he would suddenly start being cold to you...I'm sorry you're being treated this way.

Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

[differentcountries]

Of course online relatonships can be relationships. I personally does not understand what it is all about, but I know quite a few relationships that started this way so I guess it can be done. However, this also means that people will bring whatever hangups they have into those relationships as well! He does not seem to know what he wants or how to pursue what he wants, which to my experience means that a future with him will be less then wonderful. I understand not getting clear answers can be both irritating and hurtful, but there is even less clarity and love to come. Maybe he is a commitment phobic. Maybe the distance felt safe and you visiting is not. Maybe he got in too deep too fast and is ashamed to say. Regardless; what's in it for you? You really got to know...

[silvermoonfairy3]

That totally sucks. *hug*

I think you're on the right track with not contacting him, trying to move on, and just being polite but a little distant if he does contact you.

I know it's sooooo hard to do that kind of thing, because all you want to do is contact them, but ultimately it sounds like he wouldn't make you happy. He does't seem to know what he wants, and I think you're doing the right thing by trying to move on.
Good luck!