FB

[Fretboard_Magic]

Some people take facebook way too seriously.

At times I don't know if am making an issue out of nothing, that fb is such a shallow deal to measure ones relationship

There you go, you already know the answer. I have friends I don't add on facebook for whatever reasons there may be. It doesn't mean anything, it just means we communicate via other means. Problem solved. I added my girlfriend on facebook(or did she add me...?) like in April or May, but we never really communicate on there since we have other ways of doing so(90 to 98% of the time via Skype's IM feature). Not that Skype seems 100% private, but I guess I've successfully fooled my brain into thinking it's at least safer than facebook where privacy is concerned.

What facebook can be good for is when you want to determine whether or not the person you're talking to online is real. In conjunction with different communication techniques, of course, because their facebook accounts alone won't tell you they are real(unless you know what to look for). But in your case, you've already met your boyfriend in person, and have been in the relationship for a few years. That's already pretty solid in my opinion. So why make some lousy website your problem, right? My best friend and her husband don't reveal their marital status on facebook, yet they are happily married(it's not that they keep it a secret, but it's just that they don't really feel any need to). Sure, they don't have to deal with the distance aspect, and they are already married. Still, in a way that's no different than a reasonably successful long distance relationship in my opinion, because both require the same, usual things like trust, good communication skills, high compatibility, and so on. But if all that's already been taking place outside facebook, then is there any need to bend over backward and drag at least a portion of it into the said realm for the sake of...well, for whatever it is that's driving you to do so?

Kinda playing a devil's advocate here, I suppose... :-p

[ethelynn]

Some people take facebook way too seriously.

I am also a very private person, I don't upload pictures on FB, have a very limited amount of information about myself (including no relationship status) and i rarely post anything. Showing a relationship status is different from keeping away from even being a "friend". If he makes such a big deal out of privacy, but adding other people and refusing to add his girlfriend of 3 years? I select who I add, even though I don't have nothing on me there, but I don't understand what would be something to keep private from his SO that badly. Adding someone as a friend hardly says anything to other people about who that person is. A social media site is such a small thing, why would anyone make a huge problem about adding that close person to you as a friend, especially if it matters to her?

Facebook can also show in some cases how some people communicate with others and what their attitude is by what they share/like.

[CanadianGirl]

Gotta disagree with you on this, Fretboard_Magic. It's fine to me that some couples don't put their relationship status online. It's not important and, while I do have mine up, it's a little strange to me. I have plenty of friends with "joke" relationship statuses, so I never take them seriously by default. But, to flat out refuse to just add your partner of 3 years? They'd just be a name on your friends list. I understand privacy needs. My SO hid his old photos from college before adding me, and I completely understand that. You can selectively hide anything from anyone just by clicking on it now.

OP, I would be very frustrated with the whole "feeling like a stalker" thing. I'd ask him to give a clear explanation as to why. If I were you and I didn't get at least an explanation, I'd just drop him, to be honest.

[differentcountries]

There is simply not a good explanation if he actually uses Facebook. It is like having a big party and then not invite your girlfriend. Ask him why. Of course you want to be his friend! If he has concerns for privacy the two of you can negotiate how to behave on FB, like should you show everyone you are together, but it is rude to not even add you.

[chizatlauren]

Some people take facebook way too seriously.



There you go, you already know the answer. I have friends I don't add on facebook for whatever reasons there may be. It doesn't mean anything, it just means we communicate via other means. Problem solved. I added my girlfriend on facebook(or did she add me...?) like in April or May, but we never really communicate on there since we have other ways of doing so(90 to 98% of the time via Skype's IM feature). Not that Skype seems 100% private, but I guess I've successfully fooled my brain into thinking it's at least safer than facebook where privacy is concerned.

Hi Fretboard, yeah you don't really talk on FB, but you and your GF still added each other there. So you and your SO still trust each other enough to add each other up.


Now in the case of the OPer, what is the REAL reason why her SO won't add her unless he's keeping something from her? If I am in a three-year relationship with someone I truly love, something as mundane as Facebook won't bother me. If my boyfriend is so keen on adding me up even if I want my privacy, I'll just add him up so he'll be happy. OPer, I don't know how you'll approach your bf with regards to Facebook, but I think you must try to ask him why you're not too important enough to be on his Facebook friends list. If you think the reason he gives you is really valid, then that's your call. It's for you to judge. But if I were in your shoes, I'll wonder what's up with his social media life that he doesn't want me to know.

[Freebird]

I too think it's very suspicious that your SO will not add you to his FB. If I were you, I would push the issue further. If not, you will always have that worry and mistrust in the back of your head.

I understand privacy; my SO is very private. In fact he had a separate FB for "online/gaming" friends and "real life" friends... I didn't know about that until he sent me a request to his real account! I was a bit upset, but he explained to me his reasons. Then I actually kind of felt good about it... he trusted me enough and I was "real-life enough" to add me to his real account. Yay?

But... this doesn't seem like a matter of privacy. It sounds like there is something else to this, but I obviously don't know you or him!

Hope you sort things out for the better!

[anchel1231]

This is really very odd. he mostly spend his time with you but why not he add you on his fb. You should ask him. There may be another possibility that either his parents or family member are on fb and he does not want to tell them about you or another girls is on fb so he scared to broke up.
Once you just find out the reason.

[aniay]

If someone wants to be private, they don't use FB. FB is made for sharing your life/interests/other things with people. Not adding you in my opinion equals not wanting to share.



I agree with previous posters... something's smelling fishy here.

[jana89]

My ex refused to add me on fb despite my repeated requests. On the other hand, he added a friend of his under "sister" status. When I asked him about it, he only got angry. I am not saying our relationship ended because of this, but it was when I realised for the first time that something is wrong. It was not LDR, we were seeing each other on daily bases, had tons of common friends and knew each other for quite a time so there was really nothing to hide. I feel like he just did not want to share some part of his life with me and it is not right. There are many ways how to keep privacy even though you are fb friends. I do not say that fb is the most important thing, but at the same time, social networks became an important part of our lives while being in LDR and it is not right he does not want you to be part of it.

[moondust]

Thank you so much guys for such an overwhelming response, it helps me. I did talk to him, I tried to be very calm and reasonable about it telling him my concern but I end up empty handed and at lost. We rarely argue about things, and its so hard when we are in that situation.

I am actually contemplating of giving us a break for now, to stay away for awhile and yeah. It'll be really hard as for years we've had.. but in retrospect to that it does hurt that amidst those years he doesn't trust me enough to see where I am coming from.

[Deleted]

Thank you so much guys for such an overwhelming response, it helps me. I did talk to him, I tried to be very calm and reasonable about it telling him my concern but I end up empty handed and at lost. We rarely argue about things, and its so hard when we are in that situation.

I am actually contemplating of giving us a break for now, to stay away for awhile and yeah. It'll be really hard as for years we've had.. but in retrospect to that it does hurt that amidst those years he doesn't trust me enough to see where I am coming from.

I'm glad that you talked to him about this, but I'm sorry that you were received this way. I hope things work out between you two.

[BabyGund]

Honestly, I think you made a mountain of a molehill. Maybe he has friends he has inside jokes with that you wouldn't understand. Maybe he sees couples on Facebook, who tag each other in every little status and post pictures all day long and cause drama by removing the "in the relationship" status and honestly, who needs the aggravation?

When I was married, I never added my husband on my Facebook page. Why? I wasn't doing anything wrong, but I also knew I would get annoyed at him tagging me in everything and he would hate all the political posts and discussion I had on my page. Guys who I have dated since the divorce, I have been very wary and protective about adding them to my page. Heck, The Man and I had to have a serious discussion about me adding him to my page -- we had to lay down some ground rules.

Social media can be your friend or your enemy when it comes to dating. If there is nothing else wrong and the rest of the relationship is fine, why are you going to squabble over the small stuff?

[Mims27]

Honestly, I think you made a mountain of a molehill. Maybe he has friends he has inside jokes with that you wouldn't understand. Maybe he sees couples on Facebook, who tag each other in every little status and post pictures all day long and cause drama by removing the "in the relationship" status and honestly, who needs the aggravation?

But that's just it. If that's the case then he should tell her that...or something at least. By what she has written so far, he hasn't given her a valid reason. As his girlfriend, of three years, I believe she's entitled to at least that. Otherwise, that as well as him getting angry and diffensive, kinda leads to believe that he's hiding something. From her or he's hiding her from others...

[BabyGund]

But that's just it. If that's the case then he should tell her that...or something at least. By what she has written so far, he hasn't given her a valid reason. As his girlfriend, of three years, I believe she's entitled to at least that. Otherwise, that as well as him getting angry and diffensive, kinda leads to believe that he's hiding something. From her or he's hiding her from others...

Didn't the OP say that he told her he wasn't very active on it and that he was private about it? Maybe he follows nothing but porn stars and nude models on his FB.

The point is that being FB friends has NO BEARING on the rest of their relationship....

[Moon]

Didn't the OP say that he told her he wasn't very active on it and that he was private about it? Maybe he follows nothing but porn stars and nude models on his FB.

The point is that being FB friends has NO BEARING on the rest of their relationship....

See, I didn't take the post to be about FB, per say, FB is a pretty ridiculous factor in a relationship, of course. To me, it's about him keeping something that's inherently an open, social thing, away from her, with the excuse that he's too private to share this completely unprivate thing with his girlfriend of three years. The fact that he keeps things secret from her most definitely has significant bearing on their relationship, especially since this is a longer-term relationship at this point. If they were together for three months, I'd roll my eyes and move on, but her post is about a lot more than just a stupid, silly website. If I were the OP, this would not be acceptable behavior AND I happen to be quite a private person myself.