Don't Know What To Think

[Edyn]

I'm in a LDR with someone who might not even want me to be his girlfriend. He says he wants it to work, and talks about me moving to where he is when I can, but then says that he doesn't know if it will work, and refuses to make any sort of promises to me even though I would promise my love to him forever (is it wrong that I want a little bit of romance/hope once in a while?). I asked him why he didn't want me to be his girlfriend before he left the last time, he said that it's not that he doesn't ,it's that it doesn't matter to him as much as it does to me. I think he thinks that I just care about the facebook label, which isn't true. It's about the commitment. He also asked me where all of this was a few months ago when he wanted me to be his girlfriend and I didn't want to call it official then cause we weren't doing well and I didn't think we were going to last.

I kind of feel like he's doing it to get back at me, and that maybe he really doesn't want to be with me or make this work. At the same time, I want to believe that what he says about wanting to be with me is true, but it's really hard.

He's been pointing out all of my mistakes lately. I have to admit that I've been overwhelmed and mentally exhausted with work, and I haven't been keeping track of everything going on in my life very well. He says he understands why I am how I am right now, but yet continues to make me feel like an idiot every time I forget something he has said, or mess up a detail. He does it too... I just don't see the need to point it out in a demeaning way every time because everyone makes mistakes. He says it's only fair? Talking the majority of the time over text leaves a lot of room for communication errors.

What does this all mean? Advice?

[LadyMarchHare]

Initially it sounds like the common problem of distance getting to him, making him think it's impossible to make it work or last, thus no huge emotional investment. If he thinks you're all about the FB status (which is a dumb excuse for him, I know I was scared to change mine) then offer to remove the status forever or for x amount of days to prove you don't care.

However, this nitpicking and general bitter attitude, that's rather immature and I don't know if it's to get back at you or if he's being a jerk in general. With you busy and exhausted he ought to bite his tongue. I know with my guy being similar right now I don't yell at him for acting x way when there's justification or it's a bad time. You don't do that. But that, it sounds like something my father enjoyed doing to boost his own ego and to whittle down someone's self esteem enough to do what he wanted. Manipulation, basically.

My advice is to call him out on it. Ask him what he'd do if, while he was busy and tired, you decided to start talking about his personality and physical flaws, calling him a coward for not committing to you, and generally insulting him. He needs to see the other side of the story here because I can bet he wouldn't like it. Will he stop? Who knows, but you can't shove the horse's face in the watering hole. I'm sorry he's treating you this way and wish you the best of luck in solving it.

[Silviar]

Some people just aren't equipped to handle an LDR. You may be able to, but it sounds to me like he doesn't have the grits.

To be honest, the second part of your post concerns me a lot more. In order to be in any relationship, you need someone who loves and respects you. I find the examples you've given disrespectful, and to be honest, the pointing out of mistakes is a huge red flag. Why? Because that's a common starting point for abusers (both physical and emotional). My concern is for your self-esteem and general well-being.

I think while you are ready and committed, he isn't, and I hope you'll tread carefully or step away. Everyone deserves a partner who puts as much thought and care into the relationship as they do. Make sure he's willing to do that, and not just pay it lip service or use it as a weapon/shield.

I'd ask him why he feels that's acceptable to do, and if he doesn't give you an extremely good answer and an apology, I hope you'll tell him where the door's at.

Good luck, no matter what you do, and feel free to come back and ask for more help, give us an update, etc.

[paulawriteslove]

I'd ask him why he feels that's acceptable to do, and if he doesn't give you an extremely good answer and an apology, I hope you'll tell him where the door's at.

I agree with this! You don't deserve to be putting all the effort in trying to get him. It should be an equal effort. I would ask him why he's pointing out all your mistakes though. Best of luck!

[Karringtyn]

I can only echo what the others have said...LDR's aren't for everyone..it takes a lot of grit and heart to be able to do it. Him picking you apart is a huge huge redflag and quite a downer... I hope you can listen to your heart and head and figure things out..keep writing....we all understand in one way or another...

[MTK]

Why be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be in it with you? I am puzzled by that. Indeed you do love him but what is there to love when he keeps making you feel bad, it is only going to end up tainting those feelings and making you feel worse and affect your self esteem by letting him treat you like that. If you decide to be with him i suggest calling him out on his behavior and ask why he feels that it is fair to treat you like that. If someone truly loves you, they would never want to be the reason you hurt.

[Edyn]

Thanks for all the advice! I did talk to him and since then it's gotten better. To his credit he has been really tired. His work schedule has been messed up. He told me that he does want me to be his girlfriend, without me even brining it up. He's even trying to convince me to move out to where he is sooner than we had plan. Those are steps in the right direction. I guess only time will tell.