What To Do? Problems With Girlfriend and her Actions

[Moon]

Hmmm...I like you, OP. You're actually open minded, and take the advice you're given. I hope you stick around. I think recognizing codependency in yourself, and doing research is a fantastic first step. Good luck!

[Black_Halloween]

I would text her back saying that you need spaxe and youll talk to her tomorrow. Puts the control in your hands and lets her see that she cant manipulate you anymore.

[celtics345]

Haha thanks, I like to think I'm open-minded about myself. And you are a damn good advice-giver!

Now, here is where you liking OP goes away...I responded to her. Fuck I'm dumb. Ok, let's all put the "Why!?"'s and "You shouldn't have done that" behind because I know. I am codependent and easily manipulable. It seems this post has been more about me than my girlfriend and this is great and eye-opening, I am loving it! But with my stupidity put aside, I have some more texts now that may be over interest:

Her: Hun, will you please talk to me?
Her: Anyway I calmed down a lot and just want to talk and apologize if you ever answer me. If you don't I will get pissed off again most likely.
Me: Ok go ahead.
Her: You seem upset so I guess I'll hold off.
Me: Good choice. Think about what you did wrong, I want you to feel accountable for your actions so I am not talking to you for the rest of the day, I'm sorry.
Her: Well I can see that you don't want to make this better at all haha. When will you grace me with your perfection again?
Me: And I can tell you don't either. Why do I keep giving in to you? I knew you weren't calmed down when you completely don't respect my opinion to not talk to make things better by saying you'll purposely get pissed off again later.
Her: It won't be purposely. I just think it's dumb that you'll ignore me for a day and pretend things are better
Me: Things won't be better until you realize what you're doing wrong. Talking does not work when we fight. We know this. Not talking will.
Her: I know what I'm doing wrong! It's not my fault you assume I'm an idiot
Me: What? Could you tell me what you did wrong? I should not be giving you this chance and from now on, no matter what, I am not allowing it to happen again.
Her: Oh gee, I'm sorry dad.
Me: Yeah, I'm not dealing with this. Have a nice day, shouldn't have responded to you, stupid me.
Her: Honestly if you hate me so much why the fuck are you still with me? You clearly think I'm an idiot.
Me: I am done talking with you about this, sorry. I've currently spent my entire morning seeking help on the long distance forums (shoutout!) for what to do and they all tell me not talking to you when you're upset is the right move and yet I was still stupid enough to give in to you, as I always do, and talk. See ya, have a good day, sorry.
Her: You're a fucking piece of shit asshole if you don't talk to me! I was being fucking nice! I was perfectly calmed down! And then you answer all pissy you fucking dick! I did nothing wrong right now, this was not my fault! You assume I'm an idiot and that you're some perfect saint. I'm not a fucking equal to you. Whatever fuck you. If you're seriously doing this right now, we are 100% done.
Me: You sound calmed down to me. I wasn't ready to talk yet and you seemed really cool with it right off the bat. Yes I am still upset and clearly you are too, and even if you weren't you are now, so we won't accomplish anything.
Her: Me saying that was your cue to stop acting like a baby and try to talk to me. Apparently that is fucking impossible for you. God, you make my life terrible.
Me: I'm the baby says the girl who manipulates her boyfriend to her will by saying she's going to hurt herself and blame it all on him. I'm the baby.
Her: Yes. Everything would be fine if you could just grow up and talk to me.
Me: Ok let's talk. What would you like to talk about? Would you like to call if that makes it easier?
Her: No I can't talk to you because you're pissed off and not gonna say anything and I'm crying right now so fuck this and fuck you. God I can't believe this is my life.
Me: You're joking. You just asked me to grow up and talk and then you say that? Grow up and talk.
Her: Fuck. You.
Me: Or not. Ok bye. This isn't talking, this is fighting.
Her: This all started because of your bullshit! You're a horrible fucking person who assumes he's better than everyone! You're a real piece of shit. If I had even one other person I would dump you in a second.

Her: Whatever if this is seriously how you're gonna act then we're done. I deserve so much better than you. Idk why you would do this to someone you "love". You're shit, you're nothing. You don't even deserve to talk to me. Go fuck yourself and have a great life while I literally kill myself today because of what you did to me. Fuck you. Bye.

Ok. That was more than I thought. Now, after typing that I realized how bad I did, some of those lines were really mean but I am giving it all to you guys, including my faults in order to help this relationship. If you have the time to read all that and respond I commend you, you guys have been amazing so far! Now, knowing I can take (and love) criticisms, have at it! Rip me to shreds, rip her to shreds. Help us out

[celtics345]

Edit: This was in response to Black_Halloween. I forget to reply with quote.

Damnnnn you making me look like an idiot by posting that right above me! haha Just messing around, it's really what I should have done. Like we've discovered over this thread it's turned into more about myself and my faults than hers, probably because hers are obvious. I'm now starting to realize that a lot of it has to do with me, some people have brought about very interesting things.

[Ejoriah]

Wow. She is really abusive. It looks to me like she doesn't care for you at all, that you're just someone she can rely on and use to feel better (I get that because she said she would dump you if she found someone else - to me, that means she thinks she needs a relationship, any relationship, and you just happen to be the one who is available).

My advice would be to dump her, because no one, no one deserves to be with someone who says they would dump them if they found someone else, cuss at them, emotionally abuse them... But since you said you wanted to help her, I agree with the others that you need to be firm. If you tell her you won't reply, try to stick to it. Make her aware that there is a limit, and if she crosses it you won't deal with it, no matter how much she whines and threatens and insults you.

[talim]

I am not usually for the drastic solutions like this, but I think you should consider breaking up with her. She should be grateful for having a boyfriend like you, who really cares about her and wants to help her despite of her issues, but she clearly isn't. It's nice that you put her before your own feelings, but from what you posted it seems like she is really hurting you, and what she tells to you shouldn't have place in any relationship.
Hope you will resolve this situation soon, it sounds really hard. Good luck to you!
(BTW, I really like your replies, you seem to be very reasonable and open-minded, as Moon said )

[Black_Halloween]

Im gonna be real blunt here (when am i not? haha) but you do NOT in any way deserve this emotional abuse. This is an abusive relationship and you are the victim. I promise you, she wont kill herself. Shes just talking shit to bring you down, to make you feel guilty so youll come crawling back to her.

PLEASE dude, im begging you and take it from somebody who has been in an abusive relationship: Dont try to get her back. Let her leave. You -cannot- fix any part of her.

[Fretboard_Magic]

I agree with all who have said you can't be her therapist... BUT, I personally believe this isn't a simple case of her being a manipulative bitch. I mean, it sounds like she's being one for sure, but another thing is that she's clearly fucked up(sorry to be blunt but come on). And you may think you're crazy, but at least you are in control of your own actions. She isn't, which you've already established in your original post. I personally don't believe your girl actually wants to be the way she is, but it's just that she can't help it. Now, get this though, 'cause that's not the end of it. At the same time, the way I see it based on my own experience with someone who's had a fucked up upbringing, there's definitely a part of her that finds solace in pain and suffering...and I mean not just her own but others' suffering as well.

There was this one time where I fell in love with a girl who's mother was a crack whore and the girl herself had some serious psychological issues. She was also a cutter. She and I never made whatever we had between us official, but the romantic feelings were mutual. I became a member of a self-harming support online community in the hope to understand this girl better. But ultimately, loving her meant I was jeopardizing my life, for I was beginning to find solace in pain and suffering on my part, despite my declining health. I won't get into the details of what exactly happened. I'll just say the whole situation definitely fucked me up, and I was NOT in a good place at all mentally and otherwise.

The major difference between her and your girlfriend is that your girl is more of an aggressive type, whereas the girl I'm talking about was more introverted. But they both have one thing in common; they do not function well in a relationship. You must realize that, despite your having been able to keep your relationship going for over a year, it really isn't healthy. It doesn't sound like it has been healthy from the beginning, it certainly doesn't sound healthy now, and I doubt it will become particularly healthy in the future. For that matter, from what you've described it doesn't even sound like a relationship to begin with. A good relationship means both parties connect well regardless of whether they are physically together or apart. You and your girlfriend are experiencing serious communication difficulty, which means it is very challenging to make this relationship work. She is abusive, and also obsessive from what I've gathered. She is determined not to break up with you even if/when your health/well-being is at stake, which indicates she's being very selfish in this relationship. She is not open-minded about getting help, meaning she most likely will NOT get better. Speaking of which, are you certain she only suffers from bipolar disorder? Because from the way it sounds, there might be other problems, such as borderline personality disorder...which certainly would explain some things.

All in all, my reaction definitely is, RUN!!! Well, I know you can't(or more like "won't"?) quite do that. So, instead I strongly urge you to get her into therapy. And believe me, I'm generally among the first to speak against psychiatric help because I believe love can, and does conquer many things. However, even I can't help but think your girl needs help. Like, NOW. Please do not do yourselves a disservice of perceiving this as simple manipulation type thing because that is exactly how a hidden(and often very serious) problem remains hidden. If/when something really really bad happens, it's too late. Get her re-evaluated by a therapist who specializes in dealing with those who have had abusive upbringings, someone who specializes in abusive, hostile behaviours. Most importantly, she must go to someone who will NOT eagerly over-medicate her. BUT, in any case she needs to see a therapist because, if she doesn't, she'll more likely get worse as she gets older than get better. Then, I say you get the hell out of the relationship. I'm sorry I have to suggest this, but it really is for the best in my opinion. It's possible to care about someone without getting too involved in their lives...from a distance. But a relationship? If you are anything like me, then you just might end up DEAD if you stay in this relationship. How, I can't tell you for sure. But you need to take care of yourself first, and protect yourself first, from whatever harm that may be coming your way from the direction of your girlfriend. I wasn't even in a relationship officially with that girl I mentioned earlier, and I still fucked up my health because of all the stress, and I'm STILL suffering from the after-effects of the whole thing even to this day. It's been almost two years, and I'm still physically affected by it. It's going to be even harder for you, but you MUST take care of yourself first.

All the best.

[emsimes]

Im gonna be real blunt here (when am i not? haha) but you do NOT in any way deserve this emotional abuse. This is an abusive relationship and you are the victim. I promise you, she wont kill herself. Shes just talking shit to bring you down, to make you feel guilty so youll come crawling back to her.

PLEASE dude, im begging you and take it from somebody who has been in an abusive relationship: Dont try to get her back. Let her leave. You -cannot- fix any part of her.

What BH said is completely true. She's not going to kill herself..she's just throwing empty threats at you. I had a former boyfriend who would do this to me all the time, and I ended up really resenting him for it. It also left me feeling depressed, unmotivated, and unworthy.
DO NOT go down this path, please
I know you want to help her, but you're so much better off without her. You deserve to be with someone who treats you well!

[Rugger]

I agree with what everyone else has said. Your girlfriend having a fucked up childhood is no excuse for abuse. My ex had a messed up childhood. His father was an alcoholic and used to take him to the bar at 8 years old. His parents were constantly yelling at each other. It did not give him the right to mentally and sexually abuse me. Most serial killers have messed up chilhoods too, but that's no excuse for committing murder.

You DO NOT deserve to be treated like this. You need to leave her. If you really feel she is going to hurt herself, call the police or 911.

[Malaga]

I would just like to point out that it's not your place to punish her. Punishing isn't something that should ever be done in a relationship. When you tell her something like "I won't talk to you until you think about what you've done", you sound like a parent sending their kid to a timeout on the naughty step. This is not how a relationship should work and it is actually quite infuriating.

Obviously the best thing would be to just break it off, but I take it you won't consider it. So when she starts giving you shit, just back out of it. Tell her you can't talk like that and you both need some time on your own to cool down. If she blows up your phone, ignore it. The less you talk while she's upset, the better.

But you're not taking a timeout to punish her or to teach her a lesson. You're not her parent. It's conflict management. You can't reason with her so you back out of it until she calms down. You don't feed the conflict or allow her to abuse you. Maybe in time she realises that she can't get her way anymore through threats and tantrums and she'll have to find a different approach.

[chizatlauren]

Hi OPer,

I think I'll be the only one to represent your girlfriend here in the forums. I'm just here to give advice on what you should to with her, based on what my boyfriend did to me when I was being like that. To be honest, (it took a lot for me to say this) I feel like I talk the same way as your girlfriend whenever I'm mad. I just can't stop saying hurtful words because that's my only way to get revenge from my SO whenever he hurts me. So yeah, if I'm being an ass to my SO by saying hurtful things and cursing, I would just like my SO to keep quiet and pretend to listen. (I swear this works with my SO)

If you really don't want to break the relationship, just tolerate her. I don't think there's any other way. Just understand her qualms and accept her for who she is. Try to be sweeter. Whenever she curses you, respond by saying "I love you, and I hate it when we fight like this. I hope we can treat each other better and with more love." During the time that I was really having a hard time with my own attitude, and I keep on verbally abusing my SO so I can feel better, that's the only thing he did. He just kept on replying with calmness and understanding. I felt so bad for myself that time and I realized that I was so wrong to treat someone who loves me that way.

As a backgrounder, I also had a tumultuous childhood and I grew up dealing with abuse, and I mean almost all types of abuse. I am not siding with your GF. She's stupid for treating you like that. But i'm giving you this option in case you just don't want to break it and you want to stick with her through thick and thin. Because of my SO's good temper and amazing patience, I now learned to treat him and other people with respect too.

This is just my two cents. Again, I'm not trying to side with your GF. She is still really wrong, just like me before. I just think it's better to apply the saying "If someone throws a rock at you, throw him a piece of bread" in this situation.

[Yaaamiii]

Now, assuming I do have this condition, which believe me I'm fine with accepting, I've had problems all my life haha, what could be done in helping me overcome or control it? Any advice on that? Thanks for the thought too! I had heard of Codependency, but never made the connection.

Help will come if you seek it. There are self help books, acceptance, knowing the symptoms, and trying to change those things about yourself. If you can afford it, find a psychologist or a school counselor since you're in college. You'll find help if you seek it. In my younger years I did similar things to you...putting my needs after others, letting myself be manipulated by others, etc etc. Once I understood my symptoms, I worked towards changing it. It wasn't easy, and I'm still trying to overcome it, but I believe I've come a long way. Look for self help groups or something. Go to the library and find books about overcoming codependency. If you truly believe you are codependent, then when you seek help, you will find it. Codependency is more common than you think :P.

Hmmm...I like you, OP. You're actually open minded, and take the advice you're given. I hope you stick around. I think recognizing codependency in yourself, and doing research is a fantastic first step. Good luck!

Agreed! First step is always acceptance xD.

[folclor]

^^; Y'all needa learn how to fight. This isn't just her or just you. It's both of you. I'd definitely suggest finding a GOOD therapist to do couples counselling for y'all.

Before you dismiss the idea of a therapist... I understand that they can be annoying, wrong, and just downright mean sometimes. My first run-in with one was when I was 18 and had tried to commit suicide. He told me I was just homesick and needed to suck it up. I didn't go to one again until this past October. The guy I ended up going to is very nice and has helped a lot. Do your research. Find someone who specializes in complicated relationships, test it out by going alone a couple times, then bring her as well.

But, seriously, learn how to fight. I don't know how to stress this enough. And this isn't coming from some place of not understanding mental problems. My boyfriend is bi-polar and I've dealt with severe anxiety/panic mixed with minor PTSD for the past 5 (going on 6) years now. We've been long distance for the majority of our relationship. In fact, only 6 months (in total) have we lived in the same place. We've had our share of fights, but you cannot - let me repeat that - you cannot start calling each other names, swearing at each other in demeaning ways, insulting each other, or threatening each other. You're both baiting each other! It's not just her, it's not just you. From reading your argument that you posted on page 2 it feels like she is overtly aggressive for no real reason (though, to her it makes emotional sense) and you kind of seem to start talking down to her. It can't be that way if y'all want a lasting relationship. She'll grow to resent you for talking down to her and you'll resent her for acting out toward you.

I get what she's doing with the baiting. I did (and sometimes still do) some of that when I was in the midst of an anxiety attack, though less aggressively (more, "I'm really lonely, please talk to me. I'm so sorry for interrupting you!" and less, "I'mma be so mad if you don't reply right now"). I also get how she feels if she doesn't get a response. Most likely it won't help her calm down, most likely it'll just aggravate her and, though she will eventually calm down, she'll hold onto that resentment. So what I propose is that y'all learn how to fight fair.

You say everything's great in person. A fight will, eventually, break out between y'all in person if it hasn't already. How are you going to deal with it then? If she starts yelling and screaming and cursing at you, calling you names? I'm not meaning to be disrespectful, and I'm sorry if I offend you, but it will happen eventually if y'all stay together. And if it doesn't that means she'll be bottling it all up until she can't take it and has a mental breakdown over it. If you can't have a discussion about this while apart, then have it when you see each other next (I assume over Christmas). Make a game plan. If she doesn't wanna go see a therapist, absolutely refuses, then y'all needa figure out what works for you.

For my boyfriend and me, when we get into a fight while apart we do take a cooling off period and then we come back together, preferably on a voice call, and discuss what happened and why we got angry and how we can do better next time. That might work for y'all, too. And I don't mean that you have to be completely calm, as if nothing ever happened. Just... not be at the point of yelling. And a voice or video call always helps because things come across better that way instead of via text. As for how to deal with problems in person (though I hope y'all already have that figured out), have something specific you do. When I get upset or my boyfriend gets angry and we have a fight or one is about to start... we go lay down in bed together or snuggle up on the couch. Then we talk and get everything out that upsets us. After we've talked, we snuggle and make jokes and laugh together. Laughing heals a lot ^^

Hope this wasn't too terribly long or judgmental ^^;; and hope it helps. Good luck to you, whatever you choose.

[LadyDaemon]

Ok so there's a few things I'd like to point out here. (long post incoming)

-You can NOT fix her. Look,as someone who has dated people because I have a 'fixer' type of personality so to speak,I used to date guys who I stayed with no matter what they did or said to me because I wanted to 'fix' them and their woes. I felt that if I stayed with them and 'fixed' them then things would be better,we would be better and we could move on with our lives and be a happy couple. It's not possible. You can't fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed or someone who is too stubborn to come to the realization that they need to be fixed and refuses help. You should by NO means bring yourself to deal with the abuse of another person to accomplish that either. It doesn't matter that you're ok with it now,I was too for a while,but sooner or later it's going to get to you and it's going to drag you down. I know it did me and that's not a place,particularly if you've been in a bad spot mentally yourself,you want to be in.

-Another thing,I agree about the baiting thing and the acting like her dad. One thing I noticed in that dialogue was that she baited you to talk to her and you baited her to behave herself only it backfired and she got angry. You also spoke to her like a child you were disciplining because she acted badly. first,learn to know when she's baiting you into talking to her. Anyway I calmed down a lot and just want to talk and apologize if you ever answer me. - This is an example of her baiting you to talk to her. She only said it because she knew if she did it would get you to talk to her. Do NOT give into that anymore until you absolutely know without a shadow of a doubt that she is in fact calm. If she's really calm she won't add things like If you don't I will get pissed off again most likely. this. This clearly says she's not actually as calm as she's claiming to be,she's just looking for a way to get you to talk to her. About the acting like her dad thing,don't talk down to her like some child you're punishing. It will only backfire like it did in this case. You should tell her something like this "I see that you're still angry and as long as you speak to me the way you are,we have nothing further to talk about',and leave it at that. You're letting her know with a statement like that,that you're not willing to put up with her crap while at the same time not talking down to her like a child.

-I also agree with the others who have brought up the fact that she's emotionally manipulating you by threatening to do things to herself or whatever the case may be. One thing I've learned having been involved in relationships with people who like to guilt trip by way of threatening to harm themselves,it's %95 of the time untrue. People who will genuinely hurt themselves won't talk or tell you about it. They'll just do it. I'm not telling you that to freak you out,but it's honestly the truth. If they want to they won't tell you,they'll just make the move. She's doing it because she knows it works in her favor to make you feel bad for her and to get her what she wants. Giving into it serves nobody. So I advise against that as well.

-Another thing,I think as well that she's probably dealing with more then just bipolar. My ex girlfriend(not a friend,someone who I dated) has borderline personality disorder. She would be very mean,yell,talk down to her partner when she was angry but then on the flip side of that she couldn't stand the thought of losing her partner and when she would calm down she would apologize all over herself,but it was a repetitive thing. It happened all the time. I'm not a professional and don't claim to be,but I am saying that it's something she could be dealing with and it's just undiscovered. Also,and not trying to be offensive,but is she taking medication for her bipolar? Most people depending on the severity (Which hers sounds like it is) need to have medication to level out their moods. So maybe if she's not doing that then she needs to start.

-She's also abusing you verbally. There's no other way to slice it honestly. She may only be doing it long distance now but if you did close the distance at some point what's to say it wouldn't progress to your CD relationship as well? Because the likelihood of it stopping there is kinda low. If she can't cease with the way she's acting and she can't deal with it like an adult then maybe it's time to do yourself a favor and walk away until she shows she can handle herself in an adult relationship. Everyone has been through things in their lives,look at yourself as an example. You've been through very similar things that she has and you handle yourself now just fine. If you can do it then there's nothing saying she can't do the same. But the key is that she has to want to,if she doesn't then this is something that's going to go on until she does. But that doesn't mean you should stick around and let her make you her verbal punching bag. It also doesn't mean she has a right either. She doesn't.

Anyway I hope this is at least somewhat helpful advice. Good luck.