SO is feeling down :/

[Neide]

I honestly don't know what to do... my SO is in a dark place right now, and it kills me because i can only comfort him with texts/webcam... but i feel like this isn't enough at all. It makes me sad how he doesnt want to get on webcam lately because hes so depessed, and he missed work because he didnt want anyone to see him like this. It really hurts me that i can't do anything but comfort him. I don't want him to suffer alone, i don't want him to start drinking or taking other stuff because a few weeks ago he told me how he thinks hes getting better and becoming happier. i just don't even know what to do. i keep sending him videos of me to try and cheer him up, or videos of funny pranks etc. i also comfort him with my words etc. i feel like i have a limit on what i can do i think this is the hardest thing for me with a long distance relationship, where i have moments like this that i just can't do much to help. and i feel worried for him because i'm going away to see family next weekend in portugal somewhere between 3 weeks to a month, so i wont be speaking to him as much as i normally do.. i feel worried that he might do something reckless like suicide or drinking heavily, drugs etc. I wish i knew his friends so that i could tell them to keep an eye on him D: i don't know what to do. just want to cry because i feel so helpless.

[silvermoonfairy3]

It's great that you're there supporting him even if it's far away, and you can definitely keep doing that.

However, if he is legitimately depressed (like not just using depressed as a word for sad/disappointed about the LDR etc.) and it sounds like he might be if he can't manage to get to work and such, he probably actually needs some professional help. Unfortunately depression can't necessarily just be fixed by trying to be cheered up, it's not something that can just be snapped out of. Think of it like the flu.. if your guy had the flu, making him soup and bringing him movies to watch in bed would be comforting and nice, but wouldn't fix the problem itself. It might get better on its own, but it would also be a good idea if he'd seen a doctor for the flu and got some medicine.

Same basic concept with depression.

I know it's particularly difficult being so far away. Has he even seen a doctor about his depression?

[Neide]

Thank you for your reply.

i definitely know what depression is as thats what i've been suffering from for a few years but i'm healing right now. i know hes not just feeling sad or disappointment as a word for depression or anything of the sort because he has been through so much in life in terms of abuse in the past, being abandoned at a young age and so on which i guess is why he has felt so unworthy all his life. i know hes been suicidal in the past, and he has one of those ropes to hang himself that he made which he was supposed to throw away, but he still has it. I may have to talk to him about professional help, i can't remember if hes had help before but i do know that medication doesnt help him at all cause he has this whole high body tolerence to things. i get so worried cause he takes too much sleeping pills that his doctor prescribed, and he doesnt even fall asleep. and ends up taking way more than necessary. I know that with depression you cant snap out of it, but i'm completely sure that if i was there with him, it would help with his healing process because he'd see that he is loved, he does has a worth/value and i know he would make the effort to get help. but i'm definitely going to ask if hes seen a doctor about depression, i think he might have but it's worth asking just incase. i just feel so sickly worried. i just wish i could fly over to him and comfort him. i dont want him to self destruct.

[talim]

Sorry if it's too personal, but why is your SO so depressed? If it's about something specific, maybe you could help him by providing him some solutions about the situation. My SO went through something similar, and what I did was that I reminded him that I am here for him no matter what, and that I am willing to help him as much as I can, but it seems like this don't work for your SO You are totally right about what you said about LDRs...
You say you don't know any of his friends, but if you are really worried about him, maybe you can try to contact someone that is close to him through facebook or something and tell them what's happening... I really don't have much advice on that... Just stay strong, he needs you now.

[Neide]

I think it all stems from his past of being badly abused, abandoned, his mum dying, being homeless a few times, etc, and generally growing up really bad. and then because of this it meant that he had to grow up so quickly and alone, and having no one to trust, and never feeling proper love from anyone. and at the moment i know the stuff he is dealing with is his dad only using him for money (his dad is someone who i really despise, never heard of someone so disgusting as him) and also people putting him down constantly, and i know theres a few other things but hes also not getting much sleep, he works from 8 a.m till about 4/5 the next morning and hes got this crazy crazzzy ex. and he keeps telling me he is trash, so from that he really does have a low opinion of himself, which is the exact opposite! he honestly is the most nicest caring person i've ever met, and he has helped so many people who are grateful for it! and he is the one who has helped me through my depression, he is the one who helped me with my healing process. I know i have helped him in some ways, but i definitely need to make him realise his self worth and make him understand it in hopes that he too sees it one day.


did your boyfriend appreciate your words to him? and did he get better?
i have no idea if my words are helping him at the moment, i hope it does... but it really does suck that theres a limit on what you can do in a way i do think my words help him a bit, even if it's a little bit it's still something. i constantly let him know that im here for him, but i think i need to start asking him how he is more often. i was trying to look for his close friend on facebook but i can't find him, that one friend is the one who could help my SO because hes the one who knows how much hes been through and can help compared to other people who know nothing about my so at all. my so is one of those people who knows a lot of people but only a tiny few know him a bit. But thank you for your words it's honestly feels so good to read what you wrote, especially because its hard to stay strong when i'm also feeling a certain way, but now i'm so determined to help him get through this. I just wish i knew other ways that i could help him.

[talim]

Wow, it looks really rough Yes, the low self-esteem issues can also be very hard, my SO is also suffering from this. I know from my own experience that telling them their qualities don't help much, because they are too sure they are worth nothing... Sad, but true.
For my SO it was a bit different, because he felt bad because of one particular issue, and me offering a solution, plus my words, helped him a lot. Honestly, even if your boyfriend doesn't seem to appreciate your supportive words, I'm sure he does... Maybe he is too lost in his problems to realize, but I'm sure that it's great help for him to know that you are there for him, care for him and love him.
One more question, is your SO opened to talk about his problems and his current mental state, or is he just keeping it all inside? Because if he's willing to talk to you about it, it's a good start. Unfortunately I can't help you much, but maybe you can try to search for some sites that offer free online medical advices (you know, you post your question and the expert will answer it) for some psychologist? Maybe they will tell you how can you help your boyfriend.
I'm really glad I helped you even a little Sending hugs your way, I hope your boyfriend will be OK soon.

[differentcountries]

Is there anything that you can do to get to know his friends or family? That way you could talk to them, or at least ask him to connect with them (works better if you know their names and so on). For me it always helps to know that my SO is never alone (he always lives with friends or family) and that hanging out with them will lift his mood most days. Also, I think it is nice that he confies in you about his problems, and some days it is helpful for a girlfriend to lend an ear or a shoulder to cry on. Just remember too that he needs to take care of himself or ask for help if he can not do so. You too will need someone to be there for you some days. Him missing work sounds very serious, perhaps he could get a sick leave or similar, or some help to find the strengt to go to work or at least see people (often going out helps).

[squeeker]

Hey there, I just wanted to say I'm so sorry. I know how helpless it feels when you can't do anything but feel you should. My boyfriend goes through bouts of really bad depression, he had a majorly traumatic past. His depression used to be worse, he was at the suicidal stage at several points, before he met me and at the beginning of our relationship when there were still things going on. He's usually good now I think, but sometimes something triggers him to go down into a depressed state and it takes awhile to get him out of there.

So yeah that was basically what I wanted to say.. that I know that in those times, it just feels like things would be so much better if you could just hug them and be there for them. But when you can't, I think the best things are what you are already trying to do, be supportive, listen to him, try and understand and show you are trying to understand. Not telling them to just "cheer up" because as you know that doesn't work for depression as much as it would be so nice if it did. I think it does sound hard though that you have to go traveling with family and not talk to him as much. Maybe you could try talking to him more. I hope you can find his friend or a family member who you could ask to keep an eye on him for you. Good luck, I hope he gets through this soon and starts recovering and healing soon.

[Alsfia]

Sorry about your SO, it must be really tough trying to be there for him and make him feel better while being so far away.

For when you're in Portugal, you could always send a daily email or why not postcard or letter a couple times a week or so to give him something to look forward to even while you're away? You could always start now with writing one letter a day for every day you are gone (or think you will be gone) for him to open, one day and letter at a time, until you're home. You could always send the first couple letters over now and send the rest later. They don't have to be log, just a physical reminder of how much you care and that you're thinking of him.

Best of luck

[Neide]

@Talim
Hmm, to be honest, my SO does talk to me about his problems, i listen to him on webcam while he talks about it, but then he gets this thing where he feels like it's all too much and immediately switches the conversation to me and he tells me to say something about my day. something positive etc. i think it will take baby steps to get him to properly open up, but i'm patient, i just dont want to be too patient incase he ends up doing something bad if that makes sense? D: i was speaking to my so on webcam today, and he properly told me how hes feeling, i feel a bit better that hes confided in me more, it will take a while to get more out of him but i'm proud of him to be able to tell me all that he did today. i dont think i have to worry about him anymore in terms of suicide. i think during that mind thought he was having too much impulsive thoughts. but i'll definitely suggest he gets help incase that feeling happens again.

@differentcountries
i honestly dont know how to connect properly with his friends, i definitely can't connect to his family because he doesnt really have one left anymore. but theres only one friend that i could try to connect to, but i'm feeling a little nervous to do so because i dont know where to begin, and i dont want to say too much because my boyfriend prefers friends not to know too much about his past or anything. i just generally want people to keep an eye out for him really. so i'll have to do it.



@squeeker

it honestly makes me feel better to know that i'm not alone! i honestly feel so guilty that hes suffering and i feel like i'm not doing enough. it's definitely going to take him a while to get out of this state. and i think at the moment hes feeling like hes working so hard and not earning as much as he could do, and hes just feeling like everything is so pointless aswell. i honestly dont know what to say when hes like that :x i dont want to say the typical " oh your life isn't pointless at all" i wish i knew how i could put my thoughts into proper words to atleast help when he says those things. i actually talk to him everyday, and i message him more than he messages me haha only because he works, so i always make sure to video my days for him so that he feels like hes a part of my day, and i send him lots of messages for whatever happens throughout my day (he seems to really like this) so that when he takes a break from work he can have check all that i sent him. ^^ but thank you!

@Alsfia
That's a great idea and actually you made me get an idea of maybe getting him something from my trip to portugal, give him a taste of my culture! i'd love to get him a couple of presents to send over to him, to let him know that i'm always thinking of him.

Thank you to everyone for replying it honestly means a lot! especially at a time that i felt like i really wanted to give up, but i feel so much better and feel like i have more strength just by reading all that you've written. and especially after the skype call we had, i feel 100x better, its crazy how by texts it all feels sad and lonely but as soon as you skype with your so it feels like all the pain has gone away as random as that sounds.

[differentcountries]

I see the point of not telling all about you past to new friends, however that means also not having someone to confide in. Even without going into detail, it could to possible to tell a friend that he is struggling NOW. Even guys need someone to support them.

Right now, my SO is feeling low beause he is studying, which he feels is hard, and also his best friend has left the country for a month (actually to come to his fiance, which lives in my town, and I will probably meet him soon,..). I actually go a little mother on him, telling him I will kiss him, lay beside him and protect him. I know he feels physically very alone without me, so it helps to imagine that I am there with him.

[talim]

It's great that your SO is opened about his problems, it shows how greatly he trusts you, considering there aren't much people that know about his problems I'm really glad he feels better now. Just be supportive as I'm sure you always are, and I'm sure you will overcome this together Good luck to both of you!