My SO's mother...

[talim]

Hi!
Me and my SO closed the distance about a month ago (woohoo!)! I now live with him and his mother. His father also formally lives with them, but during the week he works about 200 miles away and comes home only for weekends. SO's mom is already retired and his dad is going to retire in about half a year, and then they will move and we will be living completely alone. (Can't wait!)
The problem is: money. When I moved in with them, we mutually decided that I will give his mom 4500 CZK a month (about 250 USD) for rent, food, electricity etc. I found a job where income is about 12000 CZK (about 600 USD). The thing is, I still didn't receive my first payment, as I am working there for only about 3 weeks (the payment will come next week), but I decided with my boss that he gives me some of the money weekly (usually 1000 CZK - 50 USD) and I always give my SO's mother half of it, and I'll give her the rest when I'll get my payment. I think it's good solution.
But recently, my SO's mother made some very hurtful comments about me living with them for free (!!!), and that's something I feel terrible about. Me, my SO and his mom just talked about my SO's friend who lives with her boyfriend only because he is very rich and pays for everything she wants, and his mother told my SO "well, why can't you find someone like that instead of a girl we have to support?". Needles to say it hurts a lot... I would understand that she will say it if i just sit at home and do nothing, but I go to work regularly, plus I try to help her with the household as much as I can... It is so mean from her. When I told my SO, he just said not to take her seriously and that she likes me a lot, but I feel like it's unfair from her.
I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice or just venting... TY for reading anyway!

[CanadianGirl]

That would bother me too. Also, I feel like saying that was an.. odd comparison on her part, since it's completely unrelated to your situation. Like, too bad your SO isn't rich?? But yeah, moms. Anyways, I'd ask your SO to remind her that you'll be paying her to cover the extra expenses. Maybe it seems unnecessary, but you could get it put in a written agreement? You could include the help you give around the house too. If she decides that the payments aren't enough later on, then you can sit down and talk out the new amount. She could come to see it as a mutually beneficial arrangement, and not one-sided like she apparently does now.

[OperaDiva]

Oh boy, do I know how it feels ... I think moms in general are difficult when it comes to the-woman-that-stole-my-baby-boy, and sometimes you get the super-clingy and judgey types ... I feel for you! And venting helps.

However, since you live with them, it is good to not get aggressive or touchy. Give her the benefit of the doubt, but if she says something like that again, stand your ground and have an answer prepared, something respectful, but firm. You don't have anything to be ashamed of, you are not a free-rider or a gold-digger and you deserve respect. Good luck!

[jana89]

I cannot really relate to this, since my SO´s mum is probably the sweatest and kindest person in the entire universe and I honestly cannot say a word against her. But I can totally agree with what OperaDiva said. I see you live in Czech republic now, are you in Prague? If you would want to know something about the country, people, mentality, culture or anything, feel free to PM me

[DJsBabyGirl22]

Why dont you ask her out, like ask if you can go get lunch/coffee, When you get paid, something small. Sit down wth her and find out the kind of person she is away from her son. That might just be how she is. But this will give you guys a bonding moment and maybe show her that your there for her as well. During the meal or coffee ask her what she would like you to pay for or buy at the store. Stuff like that. During the meal when you guys talk ... If it was me i would just say Mrs___ I know that i havent been able to pay for much now but what would you like me to? and i want to apologize for not being able to. No need to bring up what she said but at least that shows that you are trying.

[oxytocinbite]

Honestly I feel bad since I can't help anyone out with money, but I have no way of getting a job since I have no form of identification and I still need to get a birth certificate. I would just ignore what she said, you are helping out with the money. It's not like you are not trying, she is probably just stressed out and looking for someone to blame.

[snow]

It's disrespectful and I totally understand how you feel. If you were just sitting on the couch playing games all day and living off of their food, then yes I would get annoyed aswell. But you have a job and you go to work! She should understand that you don't get money right away and that she will have to wait until you get it. Giving her some sort of money meanwhile is nice of you and should be appreciated more than criticized. For now I would let it slip, since it might have been a bad joke, but if it happens again you gotta stand your ground and explain, calmly and respectfully, that you are contributing to the household.

[Chris516]

Hi!
Me and my SO closed the distance about a month ago (woohoo!)! I now live with him and his mother. His father also formally lives with them, but during the week he works about 200 miles away and comes home only for weekends. SO's mom is already retired and his dad is going to retire in about half a year, and then they will move and we will be living completely alone. (Can't wait!)
The problem is: money. When I moved in with them, we mutually decided that I will give his mom 4500 CZK a month (about 250 USD) for rent, food, electricity etc. I found a job where income is about 12000 CZK (about 600 USD). The thing is, I still didn't receive my first payment, as I am working there for only about 3 weeks (the payment will come next week), but I decided with my boss that he gives me some of the money weekly (usually 1000 CZK - 50 USD) and I always give my SO's mother half of it, and I'll give her the rest when I'll get my payment. I think it's good solution.
But recently, my SO's mother made some very hurtful comments about me living with them for free (!!!), and that's something I feel terrible about. Me, my SO and his mom just talked about my SO's friend who lives with her boyfriend only because he is very rich and pays for everything she wants, and his mother told my SO "well, why can't you find someone like that instead of a girl we have to support?". Needles to say it hurts a lot... I would understand that she will say it if i just sit at home and do nothing, but I go to work regularly, plus I try to help her with the household as much as I can... It is so mean from her. When I told my SO, he just said not to take her seriously and that she likes me a lot, but I feel like it's unfair from her.
I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice or just venting... TY for reading anyway!

I wonder how your SO's dad puts up with his mother, considering her attitude.

[TwoThree]

^ That's a very odd thing to say. How does a comment made by a woman about her son's girlfriend (however hurtful that comment is) reflect on her own relationship with her husband?

[talim]

Thanks for your comments everyone!
I agree with you all that I shouldn't be too touchy, considering that I will live with her for more than half a year. I also think that it was mostly bad joke or that she is just stressed, like snow and oxytocinbite said, but it just hurt me, because I'm trying to be as helpful as I can, I go to this job I hate just to earn the money to give it to her, and she just criticize me. However, thank you all for telling me she is being unfair, I really needed that
And for her relationship with her husband, from what I can say, they have very nice relationship, considering they are together for more than 30 years.

[silvermoonfairy3]

As a slight variation on the suggestions you received about standing your ground if it comes up again, I would actually see if your SO will do that. It's much, much better on all relationships (yours with the mother, yours with SO for feeling like he has your back, and believe it or not, his with his mother) if he's the one standing up for you when the criticism comes from his parents. Initially sometimes people feel like that's asking the SO to choose between you and the family, but in actuality, it demonstrates to the family that you're important to him, too, and that they need to treat you respectfully.

[differentcountries]

Obviously money matters to her. And she does not seem the most flexible person, maybe she is actually hurt that you are -because you currently are - living on her/them. Make sure to pay her all you owe once you get your first salary, thank her for her patience in waiting for your money (if you can afford to be emotionally generous like this) and I would suggest inviting her out or giving her a small gift in order to bridge whatever resentment that has built up betweem the two of you. She may be rude, but she is your SO's mother AND she is letting you live in her house, so I suggest writing this on the account of misunderstandings and be nice to her. Make sure to emphesis that you love her son and want everyone in the family to get along as best as they possably can.

[misosoup]

Ugh well at least you can vent on here-- how difficult and just flat out rude! I Agree with one of the earlier posters who said that if you were just living on her couch playing video games that would be one thing... its not your fault that your pay schedule is messed up--- its your first paycheck- things are always weird the first paycheck!