Is this a problem or is it just me?

[piratemama]

This LDR is seriously stressing me, and I'm trying to be mature about it. When I do get peeved over something, I usually take 24 hours before I even mention it to my SO. Sometimes, I'll realize how childish I am. The distance and time seems to make me more like that.

Tonight we were Skyping. We haven't seen each other in over a year, and we don't have any idea when we will be able to see each other. All we can do is talk on the phone, email, and Skype. Thank God for technology. We are fortunate for it, but it still isn't the same. While we were Skyping, he kept checking his computer for this or that. At first, it didn't bother me, because at least we were together. Then, I wanted to screen share a video online that was important to me. During that time, just under 5 min., he checked his Facebook page. I had seen that he had 2 new messages on his Facebook tab at the top of his computer screen (we use his computer for screen sharing most of the time, as it works better than mine). When the video was over, I saw he had no new messages. I asked if he had checked his FB, and he said he had.

For some reason, that hurt my feelings. It's like FB is another person (or lots of people) for me to compete with. It doesn't bother me that he does FB, but I don't. What did bother me was that he couldn't wait until after our call to check it. He has FB all day, and me only a little while. Plus, he is going on a cruise with his daughter for a week, then he will be with both daughters for another week for Christmas. We won't be able to connect at all for 2 or 3 weeks, so I really wanted the attention.

It made me feel like he doesn't care what interests me. It made me feel unimportant to him.

I especially would like to hear from the guys out there. Is this something that guys just do?

He apologized, and I accepted. I won't bring it up again, but my heart still hurts. I wonder what is so doggone important on FB and why I'm not that important.

My heart is hurting, so please be gentle with your thoughts. However, I do want honest thoughts. I know I won't be screen sharing anything for a while.

It reminds me of the time I spent a whole day sending ten reasons I loved him. I spread it out over the day, and I told him early in the morning that I was doing it. I'm a words of affirmation love language person, so I would have loved it. He didn't care much about it, and he didn't even read them until the end of the day. He read them all at once, and it didn't go as I had planned. I thought he would look forward to them and want to read them. He's usually quick about reading emails. I guess not mine.

I'm just down about Christmas apart from him, I guess. This LDR can really hurt.

Please tell me, gently, what your opinion is of him checking FB during my video.

[snow_girl]

Holy crap, your heart is hurting cause he checked his messaged which probably took a whole of 30 seconds to do!? I used to browse the internet all the time when I skyped with my ex, it didn't mean I didn't care or wasn't into the conversation. I used to clean my room when we'd skype! Just cause he was doing something else doesn't mean he wasn't into the chat.

Also unless you specifically told him to read the messages throughout the day, you can't be mad at him. Just because you like affirmation doesn't mean he requires the same, I am sure he still enjoyed them regardless of when he read them.

[CanadianGirl]

There's such little effort he'd have to put in to make those red notifications go away. I feel like I've been conditioned to click them the second I notice and really no thought goes into it. You shouldn't be worrying about this in the least. Going on a silent screen-share protest makes no sense here.. Unless you made it exceptionally clear that you wanted his full attention, right at that moment, you can't be upset he idly checked facebook.

My SO and I always multitask when we Skype. Time is tight, so we usually have Skype on for a few hours while also going about our own business and talk when something comes up. To be honest, there were times when I've set time aside (as in cleared my schedule, just to Skype with my SO for a little bit) and when he's busy with something else, I'll feel an irrational pang of hurt. It really is irrational though and it's not healthy to wallow in the feeling. If you want his attention, you need to let him know.

[Fretboard_Magic]

Yeah, I agree with the previous two posters. My girl and I multi-task all the time when we Skype, too. I'll even go on to say the kind of chill and laid-back attitude toward multi-tasking, while in a long distance IM'ing situation, is often one of the important things that minimize stress in a relationship of such nature.

I say you relax, and go ahead and multi-task yourself. ;-)

[ethelynn]

If it's something really important for her that he sees, he should have the focus. Assuming you told him that this video was important to you? Previous posters might be fine with constantly multi-tasking, so am I, but sometimes I just want his full attention, like when i am there and we are just talking, he wouldn't just go and read FB in the middle of it. Just makes me feel closer to him and important to him. And as I understood from her post, she doesn't mind it either most of the time, but we can ask some moments of our SO's full attention even if it's LDR, no?

[Zephii]

I'd be hurt too. Maybe not quite as hurt, but yeah, I'd hang onto it for a bit. That's how I roll.

We used to multitask a lot over skype too, and the times we didn't one of us specifically said we wanted undivided attention, but we skyped a lot. If we hardly ever got to be together in real time, I'd be wanting full focus too - especially if I was showing him something or vice versa.

FB... in some ways is a horrible thing. I love it, I'm a big user of it. But I've noticed a few times I'll be having a conversation with Obi, and in the middle of him speaking to me I'll pick up my phone or click something on my screen almost like I'm possessed. I know it's rude and I hate it when people do it to me, and of course I aplogize and stop as soon as I realise, but it is hard not to float around with a divided mind sometimes.

Anyway I think your best bet is when you want his undivided attention, ask for it at the beginning of the conversation.

[folclor]

I'm gonna agree with Zephii a bit, honestly.

I get hurt when my boyfriend does other things and we're on one of those more special skype or steam calls.

While I do agree that checking Facebook messages is one of those things that can take all of 10 seconds, I think it's more important that he spends time with you. Next time you're on a call that's really important to you (even if he may not pick up on it, guys are pretty oblivious), let him know you want his undivided attention. Or, if you're gonna watch something together and it's important to you that he actually watch it, ask him to not check any other messages until the video is over.

You're not silly or crazy for being hurt over this. But the only other thing I wanted to say here is do, please, be careful about drawing conclusions that may have little foundation. I'm certain he cares a lot about you and you are important to him. Occasionally you may have to remind him that you need that said, though. Men are oblivious, after all.

[silvermoonfairy3]

I hear you. But I think this can be fixed with some communication.

Because of my slowish internet speed, when my SO and I skype I tend not to multi-task other things on the computer, but he is usually multi-tasking online. It bothered me for awhile because I felt like skype was our equivalent of hanging out/dates, and I wouldn't want him checking his phone and internet stuff on a date with me.

We talked about it, figured out when it would be reasonable and work for both of us to not be multi-tasking and just focus on each other, and when we were fine with multi-tasking. Often even just within the same conversation. We've mostly adopted a policy of multitasking is fine unless otherwise requested. He'll do other things online, and I'll be cooking dinner or whatever. And then we can just say "Oh hey, I wanted to talk about X, do you have some time to just chat about that uninterrupted?" and we'll take some time of undivided attention. Other times (though not lately, screw you, graduate school! :P) we'll plan a specific skype date night, and if we have a specific "this is a skype date night" time planned, we know that's non-multitasking, and we treat it more like an in-person date.

Once we did that, it's pretty much been smooth sailing.

[MZVIRGO82]

I agree with the idea of asking for his undivided attention when you both first get on the phone or when video chatting. If this bothers you so much say something to him about it and address the situation. I wouldn't be concerned about the messages or what he was doing-he may just be a multi-tasker and wanted to get rid of the notifications. I too can't stand notifications and will get rid of them asap.

[piratemama]

Thank you all for your comments, both sides of it. I have never Skyped and done other things, too. My SO and I have discussed doing that sometime, but we both said we'd like to focus on each other. Seems like he doesn't want us doing cooking or laundry together, but he doesn't mind checking his FB.

I will relax on it some, and I'll definitely be clear when I want his undivided attention. I think he realizes, because he sent an email apology this morning. I think it hurt me more, because it was stated as a date night. Also, He and I won't be able to chat at all for a few weeks starting Thursday.

All your ideas are great, and I especially appreciate others understanding. It's great being heard and understood.

[Yaaamiii]

Thank you all for your comments, both sides of it. I have never Skyped and done other things, too. My SO and I have discussed doing that sometime, but we both said we'd like to focus on each other. Seems like he doesn't want us doing cooking or laundry together, but he doesn't mind checking his FB.

I will relax on it some, and I'll definitely be clear when I want his undivided attention. I think he realizes, because he sent an email apology this morning. I think it hurt me more, because it was stated as a date night. Also, He and I won't be able to chat at all for a few weeks starting Thursday.

All your ideas are great, and I especially appreciate others understanding. It's great being heard and understood.

I was about to respond when I saw you guys had already worked it out. Glad to know this is the case . Communication is key!