Intimacy

[omarcb]

Im reaching out here for any advise. I'm in a LDR which hopefully I can make just a normal relationship and be close to her. It's been two years and I know I've told her I would be moving there and have yet to do it. Situation with caring for my elderly folks and all. No they do not live with me but are both disabled and retired requiring section 8 for housing.

But I'm digressing from the purpose of this post. I've been feeling like I have to initiate all the time, our "intimacy" or sex when not together. She always finds herself busy or having to do other things or whatever and I feel like I'm not a priority. She responds and is affectionate when I start it and is just about perfect when we are physically together.

My issue is her not initiating our intimate times when we are separated. I feel like I am the one that always does so and she only responds or reacts to my doing so. I dont feel like I'm a priority for her and I certainly dont feel wanted. I understand she is a divorced mother of two teens and she is working but when the children are with the father and shes not working, I view those as times for us. However its not always so. Her responses to my trying and getting upset when it doesnt happen is that I need to be reasonable but I feel I am plenty of times when shes not able too and I subdue my wants and needs for her.

My thinking is should I even be asking for this? If your partner wants you and desires you, shouldnt it come from them naturally without being asked for it? I feel many times like its a chore for her and an obligation to please me. I have told her how I feel and she says "I'm sorry and that I'll try harder" but it keeps happening.

Any tips, helpful insight is appreciated.

[dragonlady]

this is hard and i am not able to give advice, i understand that with work and 2 teens (omg they are though,and they can be real life vampires! on the energy that mom needs to go through the day) she might need some time for herself, but that is the only explanation that i can give.
tell her that you dont feel wanted and just keep doing what you do i geus? as long as it is all oke in RL that should do it i think?

[Ejoriah]

Hi and welcome to LFAD.

First of all I think it is quite a leap to think that, just because she doesn't want to be intimate while you are long distance you are not a priority for her. From personal experience, my boyfriend and I used to be intimate over Skype fairly frequently, until we started actually being physically intimate when together. After this I just could not bring myself to being intimate over the internet again, it just didn't feel the same. All I could think about is how much better it is in real life. I want and desire my boyfriend, but I don't want to do anything like we used to because it feels very shallow and bland compared to when we actually are together. If things are fine when you are physically together then I think you should understand that long distance intimacy isn't something she wants to do because of the distance, and not because of her lack of desire for you.

Have you talked to her about this in a non-accusative way? Try to understand where she is coming from. Maybe you can reach a compromise you both can be comfortable with. I don't know what kind of intimacy you are wanting that she is reluctant to give, but maybe there are things she would be more willing to do for you.

[omarcb]

I have talked to her on various occasions on the phone and in person not accusing her but just talking to her. The last time we had this talk she admitted to "not taking the time to stop and smell the roses and getting caught up in the day to day grind". I thought she had listened and was going to make her adjustments to help me with my feelings. However it has not happened. It keeps happening.

I'm understanding of its not always the right time and I agree that its no where as fulfilling as in person but I think something is better than nothing when we're separate.

Anyone can say its a far leap to go to not feeling wanted but my feelings are my feelings. I cant help them and I do communicate them to her. I just feel I always hear the reason why not instead of hearing "ok I accept and own your feelings and I'll help you with them". Saying "I'm sorry" only works for so long.

If positions were reverse, I'd have to listen and own and accept her feelings and either help her with them or not.

[Ejoriah]

You say you want her to accept your feelings, and I agree that it's important, but do you accept her feelings too? You talk of her making adjustments to help you with your feelings, but have you made adjustments to help her with her feelings? For instance, have you tried to help her to not get caught up in the day to day grind? Have you asked her if she thinks that something is better than nothing, too? Maybe you can suggest a "date night" of sorts when she stops worrying about day-to-day things and focuses on just your relationship.

I apologize if I come off aggressively. I've been in your SO's situation where I understood where my boyfriend was coming from but I didn't think he understood where I was coming from either, and it took us many talks to understand each other and find a compromise.

[omarcb]

I have had many talks with her spanning over close to a year and I would not be here reaching out for advice if I were not very frustrated. I do own and accept her feelings. I have backed off many times when she's busy, she's attending to other things or just not in the mood. But when do I factor in? When do I "move to the front of the line" so to speak. All I want is for her to "initiate it", start it, show me that I'm desirable.

Again my issue is after many talks all I hear are the reasons why not...instead of lets try and make this better. We've talked about "date nights" many times.

[Moon]

This thread should probably be posted in the adult section, there are a lot of way too young teenagers on this board.

Anyway, it sounds to me like she doesn't enjoy cybersex, many people don't. How often do you expect to have it? It might feel to her that it's much too frequent, and she finds intimacy in normal conversation. It's really about finding balance, and discovering a way to make the relationship satisfying to you both. If she feels pressure about this, there's no way she's going to feel like doing it, you need to be careful about just how often you want to discuss the situation and give her room to breathe, and think, otherwise it ends up feeling like a chore. Back off for a little while, don't bring it up or initiate, and maybe she'll feel more comfortable and come to you.

Oh, and since she's the mother of a couple of teenagers, I'm sorry to say, but you'll almost never move to the front of the line. Even when the kids aren't home. It just doesn't work that way. Good luck.

[differentcountries]

Not easy... I have often wondered myself when/how often, and initiating. I don't think we have quite figured it out yet. It is complicated by the fact that he lives in no single place and have little privacy. It is not at all complicated when we are together. I am patient some days, like these days where he has exams, but i believe he needs it as much as i do and so i push him sometimes. Some days he really needs to be seen before he is in the mood to flirt. It is a balancing act.

[jana89]

Hey, and welcome to LFAD It is not always easy to synchronize your drives. Also, as has been mentioned already, your gf might not enjoy this kind of being intimate as much and she may try to avoid it. Or she is just really tired after all day work. I can just say - be patient. I am in LDR for more than two years and it took me really long time before I was able to join some kind of sexy convo with my SO, even though everything was absolutely ok when we were together. If she has to "try hard", as you say, it is no good; these things should not be forced, it should always come naturally. Stop blaming her, try to focus on different subjects and she might get relaxed and into the mood more easily Good luck