Break?

[Thad]

Hi everyone. I haven't posted in a few months because I had the wonderful opportunity to spend the summer with my SO. Sadly she left last Friday. We've got until I finish school next May before we're no longer long distance... unless...

Tonight she Skyped me and told me that she was had doubts about us being meant for each other because she had only ever dated me. She had three other issues she was concerned with, but she conceded as we talked that I was addressing those issues. We are happy together and do not have any major relationship problems, but she is concerned that maybe I am not "the one" despite being who she calls "the nicest guy in the world," because she doesn't have any experiences with other guys.

She suggested that maybe we need a break to see other people just so we can confirm that we are indeed meant for each other. This is simply not an option for me as I am entering my final year of a Master's degree program and will be working on my thesis project this fall. Nor do I share her worries. I am certain that we are meant to be together and I do not need experience with other women to confirm this for me. We discussed what a break might entail, and neither of us is sure.

She is still thinking about it, and we are still very much together at the moment, but I was wondering if anyone else had any similar experiences or any insights into this situation.

[LadyMarchHare]

Well, that's her decision. Me, this is my first relationship ever at age 20 and I'm not regretting the fact he may be my only. The way I see it, if you find the good one first, you're lucky. Why put them aside to deal with people who don't understand you as well just because you want the novelty of saying you dated others to 'shop around'? Me, I'd be insulted if my guy up and said he wanted to test his options even though we're practically two pieces of the same complicated puzzle.

You shouldn't need to leave someone to confirm they're 'the one'. I know the saying "don't know what you got 'til it's gone" but in this case I don't think it works. You don't need a world of experience to know when you're in love and it's the real deal, it comes naturally.

Maybe talk to her and see if that's really the reason she wants the break and why she feels the need to put unnecessary notches in her belt instead of trying to make what she has work regardless of whether or not you remain the one and only person she ends up dating in her life.

[paulawriteslove]

I think it might be a good idea for her to make sure that you're the one. She hasn't had any other experience and just wants to make sure that her feelings about you are true. This process is probably extremely hard for you to even think about for you, but it may be what's best for her at the moment. No matter what happens make sure that you are there for her and support her.

[freeskierpj]

I'm on the other end here haha. My girl is the only one that I've been with and I had doubts about her being the one for a little while and figured that since I was gonna be long distance maybe now was the time to date other girls but we both decided that we were meant for each other so that didn't end up happening. However Delanie was completely supportive through that and let me know that if that is what I needed to do then even though she didn't like it, she didn't want me having that "what if?" thought for the rest of our relationship and that helped. I don't have that thought much anymore so I don't plan on taking a break for that but I think the fact that she was supportive helped me in choosing to stay with her. In my eyes, anyone who loves you enough to let you date other people so you can find out they are the one is someone that obviously really cares about you.

[pytsip]

Your situation reminds me of the old 90's tv show Boy Meets World. If I recall right, there is a part of that show (maybe a whole season?) where Topenga decides she wants to date other people. Cory on the other hand knows that Topenga is the one, and yada yada yada, point is, it's her decision as others have said. Honestly, I'm torn with this whole situation, because i honestly believe in fate and I believe that if something is meant to be, then it will be. On the other hand, I believe that relationships are never the same once they're ended the first time. At the same time, it sounds as though you have been in relationships before this one, you have experienced other relationships and compared to those ones, you know that this one is right. She can't have that comparison, and I think that maybe it's best that she does experience it now instead of down the road thinking that she didn't "test the waters" for lack of a better term.

[Rosebud]

I'll be honest in that I've never really understood her line of thinking. While I suppose to can see why she might be a little nervous if she'd never dated anyone else, in the long run I've never seen the fascination with dating a ton of people just for the experience so I can't 100% put myself in her shoes. I do have some close friends however who broke up with their boyfriends they were with (and were happy with) since high school after they started college, explaining that whil they were happy, they weren't sure if there was a possibility of being even more of a perfect match with someone else and these are our years to really date and meet new people. Perhaps you girlfriend is feeling the same.

I'm sorry I can't give much advice as I personally don't see the point in leaving someone you're happy with for the a bunch of 'what-ifs', and perhaps there is something else on her mind that is making her have these thoughts now. There's absolutely no shame in dating a very small number of people (or even just one!) but I wonder if she's feeling a sort of pressure in what she 'should' be doing.

[LadyMarchHare]

I'll be honest in that I've never really understood her line of thinking. While I suppose to can see why she might be a little nervous if she'd never dated anyone else, in the long run I've never seen the fascination with dating a ton of people just for the experience so I can't 100% put myself in her shoes. I do have some close friends however who broke up with their boyfriends they were with (and were happy with) since high school after they started college, explaining that whil they were happy, they weren't sure if there was a possibility of being even more of a perfect match with someone else and these are our years to really date and meet new people. Perhaps you girlfriend is feeling the same.

I'm sorry I can't give much advice as I personally don't see the point in leaving someone you're happy with for the a bunch of 'what-ifs', and perhaps there is something else on her mind that is making her have these thoughts now. There's absolutely no shame in dating a very small number of people (or even just one!) but I wonder if she's feeling a sort of pressure in what she 'should' be doing.

Thank you, that's pretty much what I was saying. It's like giving up an awesome house just to know what it's like to live on the other side of town. And college is a jerk when it comes to relationships, romantic or friendship. People change and want to experiment/try out things they might not have before and it ruins the good things they had. I mean ultimately it IS her decision and kudos to being supportive despite not agreeing (if I were you I'd be angry as a hornet just thinking of other people kissing the love of my life) but she's chasing after the good time of a Happy Meal toy when she has the ultimate gift already in her lap.

[NaNi]

I agree with all the others. If you're happy in a relationship there's no need to go looking for something else. To search for "something better". I would feel incredibly hurt if my SO would say such a thing to me.

[noodle]

I had sorta kinda the same problem with my bf (we werent datin tho before) and he was scared of the distance since he never had somethin like that plus the fact that we never met in person bugged him as well.
I gave him space, he dated another chick and then finally realized that he cant be with anyone but me despite the fact that we havent met and are so far away.
So in my case it kinda helped. And I personally (even if it hurt while he was with that other chick) think that it was the right desicion to let him go. I experienced things I 2-3 years ago so basically I was ready for the real thing but he wasnt yet since he didnt experience anythin but holdin hands (lemme bring it to you that way lol). And now that I have him all to myself Im glad things have happend the way they did

[noodle]

I had sorta kinda the same problem with my bf (we werent datin tho before) and he was scared of the distance since he never had somethin like that plus the fact that we never met in person bugged him as well.
I gave him space, he dated another chick and then finally realized that he cant be with anyone but me despite the fact that we havent met and are so far away.
So in my case it kinda helped. And I personally (even if it hurt while he was with that other chick) think that it was the right desicion to let him go. I experienced things I 2-3 years ago so basically I was ready for the real thing but he wasnt yet since he didnt experience anythin but holdin hands (lemme bring it to you that way lol). And now that I have him all to myself Im glad things have happend the way they did

[So_Far_Away]

I'll admit to having the same thoughts as your SO, but I don't want to act on them. Like Lady March Hare, I'm 20 and in my first relationship. So yeah, I've had the thought that if I stay with my current guy, I will have kissed only two guys and I don't remember the other one.... (too much drinking is bad, kids) But at the same time - if it aint broke, don't ix it. I love my SO and don't want to leave him just to experience something else. No idea what the point of this comment is, just that I get where she's coming from, but to be honest with you, I doubt she'll decide to go with a break. If you leave something good, you never know if it'll be there when you get back or if someone else will have snatched it up. That I know from flat buying experience haha.

[nicole]

see i had something of this when me and my SO FINALLY started talking about what was going to happen to us when I left to finish school. He was concerned that I hadn't had as much experience in dating as he had- I'd admitted to him that he was the only guy I had ever said "I love you" too. I had to explain just because I'd never said it didn't mean I'd never been in love before, there was a whole awful, painful experience I'd had before I met him that prevented me from saying it, but I won't go into that.

He said I was also very young. I'm 20, he's 24, I fail to see how 4 years can make much difference in this matter. I explained to him, it doesn't matter how old you are, if you know then YOU KNOW. We were perfectly happy and in love, how could we just throw that away? If your in a good relationship now, I see no reason to just give up, in case there is a chance there's somebody else. I know I'd be incredibly hurt if my boyfriend wanted to test how much he loved me by dating other people =/

[Silviar]

If that's her decision and she wants to do it, I don't think you can stop it. However, I very much disagree on the necessity of breaking up to confirm you're 'meant to be'. It won't validate your relationship in any way. When it's the real deal, it's natural flow, and there's no struggle with love. There may be struggles with your situation, particularly distance, but when you love someone, you don't just leave them because it's inconvenient.

I agree with LMH - make sure that's her real reasoning. If she can't handle an LDR, then she should just be honest. Many people can't. It's not easy. Or maybe it's something else, but I would ask. It sounds like something else is amiss here.

[MTK]

I don't really know, i have never been in that situation. To me it feels like an excuse so the person can see if there's something better out there then what they have in that moment and if nothing feels better then they still have the other person as back up.
I would have a very hard time being with my SO if we did have a break like that as i would be thinking about all the people she might have been with and dated. Sure in the end she chose me but it would still be bittersweet.

Maybe she is not ready for commitment and she is trying to figure out a way to say that to you without hurting you?

[milaya]

I'm 20 and this is also my first relationship. So of course I have had a few thoughts about the fact that I am "lacking" experience. Like your girlfriend. But I've never thought of acting on it. Because I know I have a good relationship now. I love him and don't think I could find a guy I could love more. And why risk it anyway. I've been looking at the people around me and most of them doesn't seem as happy in their relationship as I do.

People date to find the right one, some for years, some even for decades. Why should it be wrong to have found "the right one" already in the first try. I just consider myself lucky.

I have of course discussed this with my boyfriend. Since he's 10 years older than me and has had a lot of girlfriends before. So he asked me if I was fine with, maybe not getting to experience other guys than him. I don't think I need it. He has been through 10 girlfriends before me, but we still ended up the same place. I'm the first girlfriend he has said "I love you" to and I'm the first girlfriend he has wished to be married to. His dating experience says: "we're meant to be." I lack that experience, but my heart says: "I agree." (that became a bit corny)

Of course none of us, can tell your girlfriend what to do. She has to figure it out herself. I guess what you need to do, is to figure out if you want to "wait for her" if she did decide she wants this break. Because you are two people in this relationship. You can't stop her from making the decision. All you can do is to make your own.