Stopping The Fear.

[Secrecy]

Hi everyone, I am in a bit of a mental pickle right now. And it's all mostly of my own doing.

Long story short, a couple of weeks ago, my boyfriend had broken up with me. Against everyone's advice, I decided to try and get him to call me and explain himself and why he did what he did. Ultimately, this turned out to be the right thing to do because he had explained the real issue further, and now I understand where he is coming from. He had told me that he didn't love me and didn't care, but confessed those were lies he was using in hopes to make it so I might hate or dislike him and be able to let him go easier. He still loved me and cared as much as he always had, and after some inner reflection, and a little thought, we decided to give it another go, because we didn't really believe there was anything so broken that it couldn't be fixed. His feelings leading up this this were completely warranted - I had been acting a certain way, and it had been hurting him. The problem was he never ever ever told me about this problem that had been going on for about a month before it festered really badly and he decided the only acceptable alternative was to break up. We talked, and I told him he MUST be able to communicate his problems to me, even if they are about me, and that so long as he does it respectfully, I wouldn't get mad at him for having an issue with something I'm doing. He told me he never said these things because he didn't want me to change who I am for him (mind you what I am speaking of, albeit vaguely, was a big problem I had, so I had no problems changing it) and he wanted to keep me happy in sacrifice of himself. I said I appreciated him putting me in such high importance that he would do that for me, but I reminded him it wasn't healthy and that he NEEDED to talk to me if there was a problem, and not be afraid of voicing himself. He agreed, and things have been going a lot better. He communicates himself more, and I am working successfully and trying to fix the issue that were hurting him. I asked him if he regretted getting back together and he said no, not at all, and he felt as if he made a mistake before. This really was all because of miscommunication.

But while this is going very good, and it seems things are on the mend, I find myself very very VERY scared... Not because of anything he's doing right now, but because of what happened. Long story short, I have a HUGE and massive fear of abandonment - without trying to sound pitiful, a lot of people very close in my life have left me, and not simply by drifting away, but because I apparently wasn't a worthy enough person to them. Over and over, people I built a bond and relationship with, from parents to friends, ended up always feeling like they would end up leaving me on my own, to fend for myself. Naturally, after two and a half years with my boyfriend, I am very close and bonded to him... And needless to say, the way he had broken up with me (he literally ripped me out of his life without even letting me have a chance to say goodbye, even though things were fixed later) has left me with a somewhat warranted, mostly irrational fear that I will be abandoned like that again.

I know, obviously, no one knows what the future will bring. But I feel stupid for this feeling because my boyfriend has been doing nothing but good things since then, and hasn't really been acting out of the ordinary, if not better. He has reassured me, he has let me know he is feeling fine, but... I am still scared. Really scared. I have panic attacks at work and have a tough time sleeping when I get home. It feels like what happened hit a very bad nerve in me since I wasn't expecting any of it at all. I don't blame my boyfriend, he did nothing wrong, and he isn't doing anything wrong - it's more in my own head.

I guess my question is... What can I do to get this petrifying fear and utter sense of panic out of my head? I'm overthinking things that aren't there just because of some bad past experiences that lead up to me feeling this way. I feel like the fear and panic is getting in the way of me working on the problems I have that hurt my boyfriend in the first place. (The problems I had that hurt him were originally caused by fear. I told him about how I'm feeling, and that I'm frustrate because it feels like I'm replacing an old fear with a new one. He says he understands, but I still don't like it.) I want to clear my head so I can work on myself without being inhibited by any irrational thoughts.

Help?

[Fretboard_Magic]

Well, I don't know how much help this is going to be... But I'll just tell you what a cool friend of mine once said to me.

"Friends come and go."

Now, this can be applied to anyone really. Of course, if this happens within a family setting, it's that much more upsetting. But in a non-family setting, people come into your life and leave all the time. At least that's the case with me. It's just more noticeably upsetting when your close friends or your romantic partner drift away. But does that always mean you're abandoned? That's the question one must ask oneself at times like that. And in my case, I was fortunate enough to have a friend help me reach a conclusion that it doesn't always have to mean something bad.

People in your life come and go, but that doesn't necessarily mean they "left" you out of ill intentions. Sometimes they leave you because that's what they need in order to excel in life. It doesn't mean they don't respect you any more. It only means they've reached their time to go. They aren't leaving you behind necessarily because they don't care any more. They are only doing that because they have their own lives to pursue.

So, I guess my suggestion to you would be to remember it's alright to let them go. Just like my friend said, friends come and go and that's okay. If you can maintain a chill and laid-back stance about it, it'll become a little easier to deal with, I think. Same thing with romance. If/when your partner ends up actually leaving you, that's not the end of the world. It sucks like there's no tomorrow, but it's not the end of the world. It just means that departure is necessary in order for not just that person but both of you to grow further in life.

In any case, I don't think you need to worry about all this stuff quite yet. xD I was never with those who were saying you shouldn't contact your guy any more, anyway. I knew there was something premature about your situation(as in when he tried to break up with you). I'm definitely glad you two got back together. Communication is really important. I think it's more of a challenge on his part? But he can work on that. You both can work on that. Try to be open about each other's feelings, and to be sure that you're both on the same page at all times. What helps is to make it a point to let each other know of even the smallest things felt.

All the best.

[jana89]

I´m not sure I have any helpful advice for you. However, I just want to say I understand you. There was a moment in my relationship when my SO really hurt me and I was not sure if I can get over it. It took some time before I could have looked at him without fear or doubts, but eventually I got over. When things get tough, I remember the most precious moments of our relationship: the first time I have seen him, the patience he had waiting for me to get over some of my fears etc. I want, no ... I need to believe and trust him, when he says he would never do that again. I know he loves me and I love him and even though we sometimes annoy each other, we make this all thing work. If you feel like you really love your man, and so does he, then just go forward with your heart and let him get your trust back. Good luck with everything and don´t hesitate to PM me, if you feel like it

[Tommy C]

I'm actually dealing with huge abandonment issues myself. The person I truly love isn't around for me as much anymore and I don't get to talk to her nearly as much as I need her. I'm feeling like I may never talk to her again after only a few days of no contact. Part of it is I talked to her almost every day for the last 6 years, telling each other our hopes and dreams and just spending time together. Now she's become busy and only talks to me every few days to few weeks and I've become terribly depressed and had to see a therapist. Working with the therapist and reading some books I've come to realize that I probably have a love addiction to her and abandonment issues. My abandonment issues come from past experiences and particularly stem from my first life memory of my father and mother fighting and then never seeing my father again until I was 20. I haven't figured it out at all yet but I am reading a book called "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" that's at least good at identifying where my feelings of fear come from and do have some things to try to help it. I'm only a quarter of the way through the book though. Maybe look up some books like that for help with the issue.

[Secrecy]

Well, I don't know how much help this is going to be... But I'll just tell you what a cool friend of mine once said to me.

"Friends come and go."

Now, this can be applied to anyone really. Of course, if this happens within a family setting, it's that much more upsetting. But in a non-family setting, people come into your life and leave all the time. At least that's the case with me. It's just more noticeably upsetting when your close friends or your romantic partner drift away. But does that always mean you're abandoned? That's the question one must ask oneself at times like that. And in my case, I was fortunate enough to have a friend help me reach a conclusion that it doesn't always have to mean something bad.

People in your life come and go, but that doesn't necessarily mean they "left" you out of ill intentions. Sometimes they leave you because that's what they need in order to excel in life. It doesn't mean they don't respect you any more. It only means they've reached their time to go. They aren't leaving you behind necessarily because they don't care any more. They are only doing that because they have their own lives to pursue.

So, I guess my suggestion to you would be to remember it's alright to let them go. Just like my friend said, friends come and go and that's okay. If you can maintain a chill and laid-back stance about it, it'll become a little easier to deal with, I think. Same thing with romance. If/when your partner ends up actually leaving you, that's not the end of the world. It sucks like there's no tomorrow, but it's not the end of the world. It just means that departure is necessary in order for not just that person but both of you to grow further in life.

In any case, I don't think you need to worry about all this stuff quite yet. xD I was never with those who were saying you shouldn't contact your guy any more, anyway. I knew there was something premature about your situation(as in when he tried to break up with you). I'm definitely glad you two got back together. Communication is really important. I think it's more of a challenge on his part? But he can work on that. You both can work on that. Try to be open about each other's feelings, and to be sure that you're both on the same page at all times. What helps is to make it a point to let each other know of even the smallest things felt.

All the best.

Thank you, Fret. I know that logically, things happen, but it's just hard to differentiate things when there's fear clouding your judgment. I admit I am a very very very fearful person - this is not my most admirable trait. Some of it stems from being a caring person, which is truth, but a lot of it stems from really bad past experiences, not just abandonment issues, but more that shouldn't be explained publicly. I have been to therapy time and time again, and I've tried my darn hardest finding my own inner strength, but it's so hard to do that when you don't trust yourself. And because I've never felt like I've had someone I could honestly, truly rely on, to help me get through this all, that was just that much harder. (Thus the abandonment issues. It all stems from a common center.) That is, until I met my boyfriend - he honestly, truly changed me, for the better. He showed me how to be strong and be determined and actually have something to fight for, you know? Something I had never really felt with anyone before - it's weird. When he left, I almost had an epiphany, I swear. Before then it was just... Darn... Surviving. I have some issues, and it was just nice that someone was actually standing by me while I found strength to work on it.

Regardless, it's nice to hear that, so thank you. It did feel terrible premature, and that was why I was so horribly confused when it happened. It did seem like a challenge on his part - again, his feelings were warranted. He just never told me so I never knew I was making any mistakes, and he let everything fester. He's terrible about being able to tell the really meaningful, deep, serious feelings and problems to anyone. He's extremely carefree, I don't think he knows how to address them sometimes, because he usually doesn't have a care in the world. (It's an endearing trait to me, being someone who feels like I have so many. He's taught me how to let go, just by being himself.) But he's been a lot more open about things I've noticed since then, so I hope this is a trait that continues.

[Secrecy]

I´m not sure I have any helpful advice for you. However, I just want to say I understand you. There was a moment in my relationship when my SO really hurt me and I was not sure if I can get over it. It took some time before I could have looked at him without fear or doubts, but eventually I got over. When things get tough, I remember the most precious moments of our relationship: the first time I have seen him, the patience he had waiting for me to get over some of my fears etc. I want, no ... I need to believe and trust him, when he says he would never do that again. I know he loves me and I love him and even though we sometimes annoy each other, we make this all thing work. If you feel like you really love your man, and so does he, then just go forward with your heart and let him get your trust back. Good luck with everything and don´t hesitate to PM me, if you feel like it

Thank you, Jana. I just hope this fear and worry doesn't linger for long - I don't blame him a lick. Blaming means I hold it against him, which I don't. But yeah, what happened really did hit a really raw nerve. Thank you so much for the offer, I may just do that if things get complicated again.

[differentcountries]

Have you read "When things fall apart" (Pema Chodron) ? Huge eye -opener for me in terms of dealing with control needs and abandonment issues. I read it at a time when i tried to figure out how a certain boy fitted into my life. He went on holiday, and when he came back he said the light in my eyes had changed and i seemed calmer. It was the emotional equivalent of climbing the Mount Everest, I felt very scared and alone (from reading a book!), but somehow it started feeling ok to not know the outcome of things, and ok to deal with some chaos. It also made it easier for me to end things when I realized it was not what I was looking for. And feel sad about it, but not helpless. And start over.

[stormy]

Have you read "When things fall apart" (Pema Chodron) ? Huge eye -opener for me in terms of dealing with control needs and abandonment issues. I read it at a time when i tried to figure out how a certain boy fitted into my life. He went on holiday, and when he came back he said the light in my eyes had changed and i seemed calmer. It was the emotional equivalent of climbing the Mount Everest, I felt very scared and alone (from reading a book!), but somehow it started feeling ok to not know the outcome of things, and ok to deal with some chaos. It also made it easier for me to end things when I realized it was not what I was looking for. And feel sad about it, but not helpless. And start over.

YES! That book changed my view on life as a whole. I had someone point me in its direction when I was feeling really down, unsure, excited and confused all at the same time (after losing my job, being dumped harshly, then finishing grad school). I have already had another friend read it and continually point people to that book.
Now that I am in my current relationship and I think of all I have gained from each and every past relationship, I know that it is all out of my control and that's OK.

[piratemama]

Every feeling and thought you have is common in ldr's. We are in the very kind of situations where we can't know what's going on and what will happen. We are insecure and unsure. It's perfectly normal to feel that way. I do the same thing. Every little thing seems like a red-flag warning. I've decided to pay attention to the advice in the Bible in Philippians 4:8 to focus only on the good and the positive. When I start to fear something, I'll look at all the good my SO has done and said to show his love and refuse to play into the negative game. I have to talk to myself to do it. I also remember First Corinthians 13, the section on love, where it says love is not easily angered, keeps no record of wrongs. It also says love always trusts. I keep telling myself that over and over. Whenever I have a negative thought, I quote those ideas.

Please know that I'm not giving advice without some background. I've had others hurt me in my past, too, starting when I was a very little girl. Every man I ever knew hurt me in some way. To tell my SO that I trust him, is a huge deal. It's a battle. It's a decision to trust him, but then I have to act on it. It's like when we don't feel the mushy love for someone, but we choose to act on love anyway. Act on trust. Choose to trust unless you see a reason not to. But, definitely explain what you are feeling to your SO. He won't be able to help, if he doesn't know how you are struggling. Good luck and best wishes.