Am I being too sensitive this Christmas issue?

[piratemama]

I would especially like the guys' take on this or if you ladies would ask your SO's their opinion. My honey didn't give me anything for Christmas, but he did give me a just-because gift two months ago. He didn't say it was a gift for Christmas, and we are always sending each other gifts during the year. This year was very tough on me financially, but I put him at the top of my list and made sure to buy several thoughtful gifts geared to his tastes for Christmas. He never said anything about us not exchanging gifts and last year he did send something for me and for my daughter. This year nothing, and no explanation. He has money, so it's not that he can't afford anything.

I know love isn't about what you get, and Christmas isn't either. I'm just wondering if this is a sign of anything. I'm wondering how you guys out there feel about Christmas gifts. Would you consider it okay to get a gift from your girlfriend, but not give her anything for Christmas? Is this just a guy thing that doesn't mean anything? Is this normal or unusual? I know he isn't a big gifts person, either, but he does give gifts to his daughters and has given me gifts.

I know I'm bad to misinterpret things and exaggerate, so I don't want to do that. On the other hand, I don't want to be a doormat. It really hurt my feelings that he didn't do anything. It's not about an expensive gift, but something romantic/thoughtful would have been appreciated. It's easier to feel this way in a LDR, but I feel so left out of his life. I feel like an old pair of shoes that have been kicked under the bed. He only brings them out, when he needs them. He doesn't care for the shoes enough to do more than speak to them under the bed. He would never bring them out and polish them. Maybe I'm only having a pity party, because I miss him so much for Christmas.

Is this a big deal or not? If it is a bad sign, should I say something to him?

Please advise. I don't have brothers and haven't really been around men enough to know what they think.

Just thought I'd add an emphasis: the gift he gave two months ago was NOT expressed ahead of time as an early Christmas gift. He never said that was for Christmas.

[differentcountries]

I would not put much into it. Actually, if he as you said is not much of a gift person, he might not even see the gifts you got him as perticulary meaningful, if that is not his love language.

[OperaDiva]

Hey pirate I am not a guy but I had a thought when reading your post. Maybe this is not about guys and girls different perspective, but about personal expectations and communication. I was very nervous about the Xmas gift for my SO this year (money is a little tight since I moved house and got the plane ticket to come, etc.), so I asked him about general expectations - number of gifts, ballpark budget, etc - especially since it is our first Xmas together. We agreed on one, not too expensive gift, and I think we were both very happy with the result because we got each other very personal and thoughtful gifts. Yay communication!
I think you should speak to your SO. Tell him how you feel! Don't judge or attack, ask and explain. I think he can tell you what is in his heart way better than we can Good luck!

[Elizabeth123]

I agree...you have to be able to talk with him. Let him know you felt disappointed.
He can't read your mind and the same goes for you.
This is my first LDR and my SO didn't want to exchange gifts. Then he changed his mind...hahaha
Luckily I had a back up gift planned and it will get to him Friday
Without communication you have a very confusing situation. Best wishes and Happy Holiday!

[jana89]

I think that the whole Christmas time and being far away from our loved ones make us too sensitive and overracting. You said he gives you gifts through the whole year, so he actually does something for you. I didn´t get in touch with my SO yesterday and I made huge deal of it, I was really kinda depressed. Today we skyped and it came out he was at work for 14 hours, but sent me very personal and touching text message, that unfortunatelly never got to me for an unknown reason. The point is, if it would be a normal day, I wouldn´t think about it much, but it was Christmas day and I got really sad. The whole LDR is even more difficult this time of year. I´m sure your bf is not trying to say anything, he is just rational and does not do such a big deal of Christmas. But talk to him, it is always good to share your feelings, just don´t blame him for anything.

[BabyGund]

Well, I am not sure what part of the country your SO is in...but the weather has been atrocious. I'm not sure if you've kept up with the news, but UPS, FedEx and USPS experienced severe delivery delays due to the weather.

This was in my local paper: https://tbo.com/news/business/ups-breakdown-causes-delays-in-christmas-deliveries-20131225/


And I personally received the following email from FedEx:

Due to holiday shipping volumes, FedEx is reporting delivery delays from their normal service commitments in all areas. Additionally, areas of inclement weather are causing delays and disruptions in various parts of the country.

So it may be that your presents are delayed.

[piratemama]

Thank you all for your opinions. You are a great bunch, and I appreciate hearing what you all say.

Differentcountries: You're right; he probably doesn't see my gifts as that meaningful, so he didn't think he needed to do anything for me. It's always hard trying to see from the other person's perspective, but I'm trying! I've been burned and hurt so much in my past, that I tend to jump to the wrong conclusions.

OperaDiva: It was a wonderful idea to talk with your SO upfront about gift expectations. I wish I had thought of that, but I sure will from now on.

Elizabeth: Thank you for the idea to talk with him about my disappointment.

jana89: Rational is it, definitely. He is very rational which helps balance out my emotional self. You are probably right that he doesn't make a big deal of gifts at Christmas. Thank you also for the advice not to blame him. It's never a good idea to start off a sentence with "you always" or "you never" or "you make me feel." I do try to be respectful of anyone.

BabyGund: Wouldn't that be great, if a gift has simply been delayed?

Thank you all for setting me straight. I realize now that I was getting too worked up over this. I hope you each received a gift of love or time with your loved ones.

[lucybelle]

Presents, or at least acknowledgement, are very important to me. I remember once when I was little my siblings and I didn't get anything for my mom for her birthday and she grounded us. Not because she wanted presents, because it's a special day and we needed to put in some sort of effort. That's a lesson that has stayed with me. It's not about gifts, it's about making someone feel special on a special day.

If you are upset about this, you should tell him. Don't feel superficial. It's okay.

[piratemama]

Wow, lucybelle, you expressed what I was thinking perfectly. It is about feeling special or about feeling very unspecial when left out. Is unspecial a word? Thanks for the advice. I was always taught to do something for others, too. Your mother did well to teach you that lesson. It carries over into all areas of our lives, and we can learn to put others first.

[melarie]

I would definitely be upset if I didn't get anything, but we're big on giving gifts. I'd also be mad that he didn't even think to mention anything about it, whether it's on it's way or not coming at all. I would ask him why you didn't get anything, but try not to get too emotional when asking, until he's given you a reason to be lol. It's something you need to talk about in the future too. Not communicating about this sort of thing will leave someone feeling guilty or hurt/left out.

[Tooki]

Did he wish you a Merry Christmas or do anything to acknowledge you that day?

[piratemama]

TO ANYBODY EVER READING THIS IN A LDR: I've learned a lot about love languages this year. I took the online test and found myself to be a words of affirmation person, which does sound like me. However, I've discovered gifts must come in as a close second, as I've hurt over no gift from my SO this Christmas. Watch your SO carefully to see overall what is important. The main love language won't be the only thing that will convey your love.

Also, the whole purpose of the love languages is to discover how to show love to your SO. Once you know your SO's love language, try to show love that way as much as you can. But, again, don't make it the only way you do love. Most of us like a variety. My SO is not into writing letters or typing emails, but that is how I receive love. I try to show love his way (acts of service) but it's hard so far from him. I do what I can by mail and Skype (like my striptease), but he doesn't make much effort to write to me. He's not handwritten me a letter in 10 months, and his emails are very brief. He'll say "You know I don't like to write." It makes me feel very unimportant that he won't make the effort. I think sacrificing a little of something (time, money, effort, etc.) is what makes someone feel special and loved.

That's a helpful hint to you all.

Melarie - You are right about communicating. I made the mistake about assuming and expecting without discussing those expectations. I was very wrong not to talk over Christmas with him. I will be talking with him about it, but I'm going to wait until after the New Year, just in case something might be on the way and is only late.

Tooki - He did email me. Last year, he called me, too, but he didn't call this year. We did email each other a few times during the day, but his were very brief. I'm such a words person that it kills me to only get a few brief words.

It's much tougher doing this LDR thing than I ever imagined it. No relationship is perfect, I know. We are all imperfect people, and we have to be ready to love one another, as is. I once read an intriguing questions, "Are you able to love this person just as he/she is forever, knowing you can't change anyone?" We can't change anyone. We have to accept and love as is or leave the relationship. I have to accept my SO might not ever put importance on gift-giving or writing.

[kayla_622]

You've been together for...2/3 years and neither of you have expressed what you both expect when it comes to communication and giving gifts during the holidays?

I think its time to for you both to have a good talk about what you both expect and come to some sort of compromise when it comes to emailing/letter writing and gifts.

Personally, I could deal with not getting a gift but, if my SO didn't even bother to call me on Christmas I would really upset me. I hope he at least wished you a Merry Christmas in his emails.

[CutieTii]

All the people here are giving the best advice then I ever can give.
communication is key in a LDR

Example: My first LDR didn't go as well because we didn't communicate enough and well he didn't try at all no gifts, No pictures, No texting, No calls. He hid me away from his family.
I was kinda glad we broke up, Sounds bad of me but I couldn't stand the fact of him not trying in the 3-4 years together, He was my best friend and I know he was seriously ill...But I wasn't happy at all.

I'm 100% sure You two can work things out. Communication! Woo! Just be calm, Ask and explain gently never overreact.

[piratemama]

You're right, CutieTii - never overreact. It's easy for me to do that. I can be very emotional. I try to always let some time pass before broaching a touchy subject.