I catfished my own girlfriend to test her loyalty...

[theoutlawtorn]

I'm new to this forum, but am in desperate need for advice and help. To summarise a little about ourselves - we've been together for nearly 3 years now, it has been absolutely amazing, she lives in the US, I live in the UK. But in the first 2 months of our relationship disaster struck, she cheated on me with a friend she knew 5 years prior when she went out to see him for the first time ever and stayed at his. She didn't sleep with him, and she confessed herself, I had no clue it had happened. She nearly killed herself over it and has been so distraught because its not within her character to do that and stuck by me for a year following that even though I tried to be as cold, short, accusing and distrusting as I could. I love her with all my heart, but this is the single biggest betrayal of my life. She regrets it with everything she is.

So basically, before this all happened, I was going to propose to her on my next visit, I cancelled that obviously after finding out, into our 3rd year together and ive finally decided it might be time, shes been crushed by knowing that I was going to propose to her, so she barely expects it to happen, but I want to be with her.

My friend suggested that before I do anything, I should test her loyalty, so making a fake account on fb, I decided to contact her. This is the basic gist of the convo.

I contacted her saying that she had a beautiful smile.
She started off laughing saying thank you and that my 'character' had a stellar one too, and then said sorry for the late reply and asked for myself to state a little about myself, if i wanted to vanish then its cool and she'd keep 'the words in good memory for later'.
I pushed with saying that I was single, blah blah, and she was a hotty and wanted to know more about her
She said it was shocking I was single and asked if that was out of choice, then told about her job, her degree and that shes in 3 year relationship
I said I was the one shocked because she was sexy and why she was shocked I was single
She said that it was because I was a handsome man and any woman would be happy to have me in their arms, she said thank you and said she only feels sexy some of the time and laughed
I insisted that surely she should feel sexy all the time if shes got a bf
She said that her bf does make her feel beautiful and then went on to say that she cant wait to start working out again
Going further into the convo I went into telling her LDR must be tricky, and she mustve been tempted by other guys, she admitted to the cheating she did (the one I know of) and said it ruined her friendship and nearly destroyed her relationship and she will never betray another persons trust again.

As the convo progressed I tried harder to 'hit' on her, even propositioning her first playfully, then seriously. After trying to convince her to go with me and saying that people have encounters all the time she said it wasnt possible, thanks but no thanks and that if i wanted to be friends then fine, but nothing else was going to happen. I continued further trying to convince her to meet me just to make out, she said no, because if she was being honest with herself, kissing always would leave temptation open for something else in any situation. She said if I wanted to be friends then fine, if I was after something else then it would not be possible.

I know its shitty, and I feel really bad for being so dishonest, but I needed to make sure before I proposed again - i'm a little concerned though that she didnt tell the guy to just go away and was quite happy to compliment him on being so handsome and still not mind being his friend after all that.

What are your opinions guys/girls? Is this an issue? Whats your take?

[lyonsgirl]

If I were her, I'd break up with you.

[theoutlawtorn]

It is a terrible thing to do, I have no doubt in my mind about that. But you have to understand that she broke my heart, and proposing is a big thing, I just wanted to find out and clear my doubts without asking her questions that would upset her.

[snow_girl]

You need to grow the hell up. This is what a 14 year old would do, not an adult. If you couldn't get past her cheating you should have broken up with her, not been an ass to her. You either forgive and move on you break up. Not let it go and be cold and a massive dick for a year following to 'show her'
There is no way you should be proposing to her. People in love don't test the others loyalty by making up fake accounts and pushing their SO to cheat and then keep pushing and pushing when they decline. Are you kidding me? You sound like a horrible person and should probably break up with her and figure your shit out before thinking about marriage in anyway. You need to let her go, for her sake if not yours.

[Ejoriah]

I agree with Lyonsgirl. That was a shitty thing to do. You obviously don't trust her, so why you'd want to get married to someone you don't trust boggles the mind.

However, since you asked for opinions - some people find it hard to tell someone to just go away. I am guilty of not quite realizing how pushy someone is and since I always want to be nice and be friends with everyone I act pretty much the same way your girlfriend did - I don't tell them to go away but I just say that we can just be friends. Maybe it's naive but you can't nitpick at her for not doing perfectly what you wanted her to do. Isn't it enough that she didn't lie about being single and made it clear she didn't want to cheat on you?

ETA: There is nothing you can do that will magically "clear your doubts." Look at this situation. You're still doubting her even though she kept refusing "your" advances.

[lyonsgirl]

It is a terrible thing to do, I have no doubt in my mind about that. But you have to understand that she broke my heart, and proposing is a big thing, I just wanted to find out and clear my doubts without asking her questions that would upset her.

If she broke your heart, then you should have broken up with her. Since you seem... too stubborn... though, for future: how on earth to you plan on clearing up any issues with her that "would upset her"? Like, chores around the house, or how you feel about her spending so much time with that one guy 1-on-1. I mean, you have to talk directly to her, not pretend you're someone else. This is not something a mature adult would do, at least, not IMO.

And trust me, I am fully aware that proposing is a big thing. I am married, after all.

[theoutlawtorn]

I knew this was a stupid idea...but I had to be honest, and I wasn't being a dick to 'show her' anything, sorry, I probably wrote that out in a rush so it comes off wrong. I did not once shout, curse or anything to her, I just went quiet for a long time due to being so upset, and the mistrust just built from there, however at the same time I deeply loved her, if I didnt I wouldve ended it, ive told her so many times not to feel guilty and that if anything I was proud of her for telling the truth, that took more strength than I will ever know thats for sure.

But yeah, what I did was not cool, but my friend convinced me that is was the right thing to do, I needed to know if I was being childish and stupid, or if it was genuinely something to worry about. After two solid responses I know the answer. It is me that needs to grow up now, ive been living in the same phase for too long and its ruining what I have. Thank you.

[nicole]

You obviously don't trust her, so don't propose. If my now husband did that to me before he proposed, I would be absolutely devastated. You need to work on your issues before you even think about marriage. And by work on your issues, I mean work WITH your SO, not lie and make up idiotic facebook profiles.

[lyonsgirl]

You need to be honest with her about this. She was honest with you. It's only fair. Whatever happens after you tell her, you shouldn't be mad at her for however she reacts. You let your idiot "friend" convince you this was a good idea. I think that if this... friend... has that much sway in your life to convince you to do stupid things like this, this person shouldn't be in your life anymore.

[snow_girl]

You need to be honest with her about this. She was honest with you. It's only fair.

Totally agree, she told you she cheated, which was a very hard thing to do. Now you have to tell her what you did. If she can forgive you then maybe you can have some potential of a weird twisted marriage where you both only have trust each other.

[theoutlawtorn]

I think this comes down to one thing then. I've had two views but this definitely tips it in favour of the correct one - Its not her that needs to change now, its me, though the entire thing was a repercussion of falling in love and feeling betrayed, if I still love her now I should show it by trusting the decision ive made and the woman I love. One bad deed doesnt define a person, I need to stop this negative stuff from skewing my normal thought pattern. I will become better for her, and for us. Thanks again.

[Laural007]

I second the "If I was her, I'd break up with you" comment. Yes, she made a horrible decision to cheat on you three years ago; she not only confessed, but has done everything possible to make you comfortable and secure with her. If you can't forgive her, leave her alone so that she can find someone that will not play games with her.