An LDR Ex Resurfaces: What is the Best Course of Action?
My apologies--this is long, even for me. That said, it is a situation I have never really talked about (other than maybe touching on it very minimally, indeed) and I hope that you can save me from making any false steps. Plus, maybe it will read a bit like a soap opera! Bring on the bubbles?
Something I haven't really talked about before is that most of my serious, long-term relationships have been LDR from the start or became LDR! Delving into that issue might come in another post or a blog entry, but I have been reminded of my most recent ex and need to seek some counsel from you all before I make a stupid mistake.
My previous boyfriend was someone I met online through Gaia (anime, forums, etc.), previously I had never fostered any sort of relationship with someone online like that and it was pretty trail blazing for what has come about in my current relationship (e.g. the parents now know that not everyone online is a psychopath, etc.). In our two and a half years of being boyfriend and girlfriend, we saw each other only twice in-person (both times, he came to see me). (Sorry, it's really becoming apparent that I am having difficulties shortening the back story--please try to stay with me! ^.^; ) We had tremendous ups and downs and though he was romantic and fun, our relationship also had some serious problems. Basically, he was using Gaia to pick up girls and play them in the beginning (I know this sounds kind of odd being online and I sound maybe a bit hoodwinked), so he would waffle about me (also, beyond him being a player, I felt that the other girl he was most serious about was inappropriately young, at the time, (he was considered an adult in my province, though wasn't in America, I guess) and found his actions against my core morals...but I still loved him and wanted him for myself, for some bizarre reason). Once we became boyfriend and girlfriend officially, he had some really manipulative tendencies and despite all his good qualities, one way or another, it became apparent that he was cheating on me. About half-way through the relationship, I had had enough and he really tried to make amends and (as far as I know) really did turn himself around and become committed to me (possibly obsessively and possessively so). Still, there was his manipulativeness, sulkiness (e.g. he would whine about how he had no friends and was sick, how horrible his parents were, etc. and then I would find that he was very much making a hyperbole of the situation), and the shaky ground of feeling cheated on in the past. Things started to fizzle, for me, as he made vows of everlasting love and commitment and dreamed of how we would get married some day and promised how he was going to move to me soon, when I saw no action on his part to get out of his cushy situation and try to stand on his own as an adult, let alone consider actually coming to be with me. Eventually, I was so busy with school and some major transitions with friends and such, that I broke things off with him--I wanted some time to be single, not for dating, but because I didn't really have time to devote to being a proper girlfriend. Still, I wasn't quite sure if my feelings had fizzled or not, so we kept in contact and sometimes flirted and he still sent me presents and occasionally I would send him presents, too. After vowing I would never do an LDR or online romance again (and maybe after almost a year of being semi-single), unexpectedly and totally unintentionally, I started falling fast and hard for my current SO, whom I met randomly in a chatroom. I guess that is a separate story, but he stimulates me so much more intellectually and we did have the rough patch with him being hot and cold for quite awhile, not knowing what to do with the long-distance or commitment thing...but, yes, that is another story. What's relevant is that since neither were completely committed to me and I wasn't completely committed to either, sometimes I would flirt with my ex quite a bit (especially if I was feeling lonely or sought the comfort of the relationship we had had). Some time before things became official with my SO, I cut off any sort of flirting or online er...intimacy with my ex--it didn't feel right to me and my feelings for my SO were just like wildfire, since the first time I met him. I had to face telling my ex about my relationship eventually and I did. He totally flipped out and was angry, mean, and hurt (hurt is understandable, but he would ensure that any time I signed onto the computer, there would be a harassing message there waiting for me). He seemed to be under the impression we had never broken up (which was made quite clear, though I don't feel proud that I might have lead him on in some ways...but he just couldn't be my friend any time we talked). We had promised to lose our virginity to each other and he even threatened that he wished to rape me so that I would always remember that first time was with him. Other times, I have felt sad for him and wanted to be his friend (I know the former statement should negate that, but we had a lot of history between us and it has been hard to let go), but he would always insist on how much he loves me and wants us to get back together, etc. For almost six months now, I have been used to (if there is any time that I give in to talking to him for a little while) him continuing to tell me his feelings, wishing that we could talk more (although he sometimes had the arrogance to suggest that I owed it to him to talk), and that he would never meet anyone like me (and some other very high praise). Monday, he texts me out of the blue and says that he has tried to forget about me, but can't stop feeling for me and wants to talk again, even if it is inappropriate with my current love life. Yet, Tuesday, he sends me an email that tells me, again, how much he wants to talk to me and misses hearing from me, what he is doing at school, etc., but then says that after some thinking, he is now in a relationship, too, even though it is on shaky ground. What does that mean!? Does his girlfriend know that he sent me a text telling me that he loves me the night before?
So, I did feel kind of sad and jealous today--does that mean I am not over him (my Mom only has the fun-loving, talkative boy, with a bad heart condition, from the USA whom she met to remember, not all this nasty background, so she thinks that I am not over him and seems to have a soft spot for him over my current SO, whom she hasn't met and terms the "yo-yo," because she is very wary of how he treated me at first)? Or is it more that I miss the adoration and the freely given saying of "I love you," (I know I have painted a really bad picture of my ex and, yes, if he is in an LDR somewhere out there, I warn you ladies...but he does have some winning qualities, too), which my SO says he is still not ready to say to me (the best so far is "I care about you deeply" and "we have a very strong bond") and which, I somehow fear I will never hear from him (maybe you have read my heart-broken thread, where I told you about confessing that I loved him and him not being able to return that sentiment yet...though, I think everything he does screams that he does feel that way. Digging deep, there was a rather damaging experience with the only girl he has ever been in love with (or "in love with the idea of her") and sometimes I feel like I will never live up to miss phantom, even though he says that is all in the past)? Right now, I am feeling still really stressed by family problems, health problems, finding work problems, being away from friends or anyone my age problems, feeling sad problems, feeling like my SO is too busy for me problems, you name it...so I am afraid that I will fall into talking with my ex again, out of loneliness and attention-seeking. I need to say something to him--my sister just said to say something like "Yeah, we should talk sometimes. I am so glad that we can be just friends in this modern day." Ugh...but that feels so weird for me to say and I am writhing with curiosity about his new girlfriend (in some ways, with him being manipulative, I feel like this could be a trap to lure me in to either feeling hurt like he felt and/ or flirting with him and potentially wrecking things with my SO--whom I so badly want things to work out with and whom I think is such an amazing fit for me, in so many ways). Any ideas of how to handle the most recent situation? Should I tell my SO what's going on, in short form? (he knows the basics/ necessaries of the back story, from the point where he came in. He was very understanding about giving me time to tell my ex about our relationship and I was actually a little surprised and weirded out that he wasn't really demonstrating any jealousy (although he did get very quiet with these conversations, which is telling, and was seething about the rape comment from my ex), since I was very used to this as being a sign of affection and protectiveness from previous relationships. Well, with a clear head, a tad of jealousy might have been a sick confidence boost (I know, I know), but it felt rewarding to hear him say he wasn't worried because he has no reason not to trust me and felt confident with me confiding in him...so maybe the same would be good now, but it would be coming at a bad time since we are slowly working through some out of synchness and communication issues lately).
Something I haven't really talked about before is that most of my serious, long-term relationships have been LDR from the start or became LDR! Delving into that issue might come in another post or a blog entry, but I have been reminded of my most recent ex and need to seek some counsel from you all before I make a stupid mistake.
My previous boyfriend was someone I met online through Gaia (anime, forums, etc.), previously I had never fostered any sort of relationship with someone online like that and it was pretty trail blazing for what has come about in my current relationship (e.g. the parents now know that not everyone online is a psychopath, etc.). In our two and a half years of being boyfriend and girlfriend, we saw each other only twice in-person (both times, he came to see me). (Sorry, it's really becoming apparent that I am having difficulties shortening the back story--please try to stay with me! ^.^; ) We had tremendous ups and downs and though he was romantic and fun, our relationship also had some serious problems. Basically, he was using Gaia to pick up girls and play them in the beginning (I know this sounds kind of odd being online and I sound maybe a bit hoodwinked), so he would waffle about me (also, beyond him being a player, I felt that the other girl he was most serious about was inappropriately young, at the time, (he was considered an adult in my province, though wasn't in America, I guess) and found his actions against my core morals...but I still loved him and wanted him for myself, for some bizarre reason). Once we became boyfriend and girlfriend officially, he had some really manipulative tendencies and despite all his good qualities, one way or another, it became apparent that he was cheating on me. About half-way through the relationship, I had had enough and he really tried to make amends and (as far as I know) really did turn himself around and become committed to me (possibly obsessively and possessively so). Still, there was his manipulativeness, sulkiness (e.g. he would whine about how he had no friends and was sick, how horrible his parents were, etc. and then I would find that he was very much making a hyperbole of the situation), and the shaky ground of feeling cheated on in the past. Things started to fizzle, for me, as he made vows of everlasting love and commitment and dreamed of how we would get married some day and promised how he was going to move to me soon, when I saw no action on his part to get out of his cushy situation and try to stand on his own as an adult, let alone consider actually coming to be with me. Eventually, I was so busy with school and some major transitions with friends and such, that I broke things off with him--I wanted some time to be single, not for dating, but because I didn't really have time to devote to being a proper girlfriend. Still, I wasn't quite sure if my feelings had fizzled or not, so we kept in contact and sometimes flirted and he still sent me presents and occasionally I would send him presents, too. After vowing I would never do an LDR or online romance again (and maybe after almost a year of being semi-single), unexpectedly and totally unintentionally, I started falling fast and hard for my current SO, whom I met randomly in a chatroom. I guess that is a separate story, but he stimulates me so much more intellectually and we did have the rough patch with him being hot and cold for quite awhile, not knowing what to do with the long-distance or commitment thing...but, yes, that is another story. What's relevant is that since neither were completely committed to me and I wasn't completely committed to either, sometimes I would flirt with my ex quite a bit (especially if I was feeling lonely or sought the comfort of the relationship we had had). Some time before things became official with my SO, I cut off any sort of flirting or online er...intimacy with my ex--it didn't feel right to me and my feelings for my SO were just like wildfire, since the first time I met him. I had to face telling my ex about my relationship eventually and I did. He totally flipped out and was angry, mean, and hurt (hurt is understandable, but he would ensure that any time I signed onto the computer, there would be a harassing message there waiting for me). He seemed to be under the impression we had never broken up (which was made quite clear, though I don't feel proud that I might have lead him on in some ways...but he just couldn't be my friend any time we talked). We had promised to lose our virginity to each other and he even threatened that he wished to rape me so that I would always remember that first time was with him. Other times, I have felt sad for him and wanted to be his friend (I know the former statement should negate that, but we had a lot of history between us and it has been hard to let go), but he would always insist on how much he loves me and wants us to get back together, etc. For almost six months now, I have been used to (if there is any time that I give in to talking to him for a little while) him continuing to tell me his feelings, wishing that we could talk more (although he sometimes had the arrogance to suggest that I owed it to him to talk), and that he would never meet anyone like me (and some other very high praise). Monday, he texts me out of the blue and says that he has tried to forget about me, but can't stop feeling for me and wants to talk again, even if it is inappropriate with my current love life. Yet, Tuesday, he sends me an email that tells me, again, how much he wants to talk to me and misses hearing from me, what he is doing at school, etc., but then says that after some thinking, he is now in a relationship, too, even though it is on shaky ground. What does that mean!? Does his girlfriend know that he sent me a text telling me that he loves me the night before?
So, I did feel kind of sad and jealous today--does that mean I am not over him (my Mom only has the fun-loving, talkative boy, with a bad heart condition, from the USA whom she met to remember, not all this nasty background, so she thinks that I am not over him and seems to have a soft spot for him over my current SO, whom she hasn't met and terms the "yo-yo," because she is very wary of how he treated me at first)? Or is it more that I miss the adoration and the freely given saying of "I love you," (I know I have painted a really bad picture of my ex and, yes, if he is in an LDR somewhere out there, I warn you ladies...but he does have some winning qualities, too), which my SO says he is still not ready to say to me (the best so far is "I care about you deeply" and "we have a very strong bond") and which, I somehow fear I will never hear from him (maybe you have read my heart-broken thread, where I told you about confessing that I loved him and him not being able to return that sentiment yet...though, I think everything he does screams that he does feel that way. Digging deep, there was a rather damaging experience with the only girl he has ever been in love with (or "in love with the idea of her") and sometimes I feel like I will never live up to miss phantom, even though he says that is all in the past)? Right now, I am feeling still really stressed by family problems, health problems, finding work problems, being away from friends or anyone my age problems, feeling sad problems, feeling like my SO is too busy for me problems, you name it...so I am afraid that I will fall into talking with my ex again, out of loneliness and attention-seeking. I need to say something to him--my sister just said to say something like "Yeah, we should talk sometimes. I am so glad that we can be just friends in this modern day." Ugh...but that feels so weird for me to say and I am writhing with curiosity about his new girlfriend (in some ways, with him being manipulative, I feel like this could be a trap to lure me in to either feeling hurt like he felt and/ or flirting with him and potentially wrecking things with my SO--whom I so badly want things to work out with and whom I think is such an amazing fit for me, in so many ways). Any ideas of how to handle the most recent situation? Should I tell my SO what's going on, in short form? (he knows the basics/ necessaries of the back story, from the point where he came in. He was very understanding about giving me time to tell my ex about our relationship and I was actually a little surprised and weirded out that he wasn't really demonstrating any jealousy (although he did get very quiet with these conversations, which is telling, and was seething about the rape comment from my ex), since I was very used to this as being a sign of affection and protectiveness from previous relationships. Well, with a clear head, a tad of jealousy might have been a sick confidence boost (I know, I know), but it felt rewarding to hear him say he wasn't worried because he has no reason not to trust me and felt confident with me confiding in him...so maybe the same would be good now, but it would be coming at a bad time since we are slowly working through some out of synchness and communication issues lately).
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