Is it just an unattainable fantasy?

[Ciera]

Hey, Sorry if I make this too long, I'm so confused right now.
I'm a single mum, I have a little boy, it was a typical 16 and pregnant type story. I've always gone for "bad boys", when I was a kid my mum used to go for that same type of guy time after time and I swore I wouldn't, but I did. I'm determined I wont bring guys like that into my sons life!!I dated a few guys after Chester was born but it was never serious, they were young guys and I had a son and we were in different places in life. So I haven't dated at all for about 3 or 4 years.

Then I meet this guy who's traveling on a gap year, to cut a long story very short he's a quadruplet from Ireland, he was a bit of that bad boy type but we got and became friends and while on holiday with him and some other mutual friends I met one of his brothers, Rohan.

Me and him clicked big time, stayed in contact, skyped a lot!
Then he came out to visit me. On the day he arrived he came over that afternoon, he wanted to eat and go see his first hockey game, I'd already asked my mom to babysit for the night and he was surprised because he wanted Chet to come with us - that was the moment when I just knew right then and there he was totally right for me, for us.
I fell hard for him, in that week, and in all the weeks after.

Me and Chet went to see him in Ireland the week before Christmas, it was great! He makes me incredibly happy, but Chet is the most important thing in my life and he was happy too.

Its left me torn. I know there's no way Rohan would leave Ireland, he's so close to his family, its like there's a pull to be where his brothers are, plus his work ties him to there. Which means to be together, which is what I want, to really give us a proper go, means me moving, although admittedly I have no great career that still means me moving my son half way across the world which I cant help but worry about, am I just being selfish.
My mom and Chester are the only family I have, when I had him my mom was so ridiculously amazing, I couldn't of done it without her, he wouldn't be the boy he is without her, to move him to Ireland would be taking away his and mines entire support system - I don't know if love is really a valid enough reason to...do that. If it was just me, id go, but its not just me, I just want to do right by my son.

Sometimes I feel like its just a fantasy.
But then I think maybe not, there genuinely could be a life for me and Chet in Ireland because its not just a case of I love Rohan so sod everything else.
When we went out there it was so nice to see Chet doing stuff like fishing and horse riding. He hasn't got a male figure in his life out here and Rohan is such a good one, I cant even believe how good he is when he's not his son.
And he's got such a big family and it was so nice to sit back and watch Chet play outdoors with Row's nephews and little cousins. Because he's quite a shy boy and out here he always hangs back from other kids. I see it when I take him to his sports clubs and now even his teachers are telling me it.
It breaks my heart. It breaks my heart if that's my fault, because I love that boy so much there's nothing in the world that I wouldn't do for him! But it's just me, I don't have a check from his dad each month or anything, its just me. And I haven't got a high paying job, so I have to go out and work these long hours, I have to to get money to feed him and to pay the bills, I don't have a choice. And that means that i'm not there as much as I like, as much as I want to be!!
My moms fantastic, she looks after him when im working as much as she can so he's with family but, if its hurting him, me not being there as much as I wish I could be then that kills me, cause all I want is for him to be happy, i'm doing my best, i'm trying as hard as ive ever tried at anything, but I don't have a choice we need the money.

Maybe a life out there, would be better for me and him. Living out in the country, lots of people around him, small schools, me with more time because i'm not trying to run a house hold by myself, a father figure in his life. Rohan gave Chet a present when we left Ireland, the kind of string necklace with a Celtic knot charm that he and his 3 brothers wear. Its old Irish tradition, to do with the timeless nature of your spirit, its meant to bring luck. He loves it, he wears it everyday.
I love seeing Chet with a good male influence in his life.

BUT the price is leaving everything we know, me and him both. And moving half way around the world from my mom.
And maybe its just a jump to far. My mums my rock but more importantly Chet's rock, I don't want to uproot him for the wrong reason. I'm so worried what ever I do im making a mistake.


Sorry, ive rambled on and on now, sorry.

[JannaRN99]

I understand completely how you feel...I would LOVE to move to be with my BF. For me though, my kids Dad is in their lives and I couldn't move. I know the feeling of wanting to know if you're making the right decision too.
First of all, how long have you guys been together? For me, it would depend a lot on that. It's a huge move to another country and another way of life if you haven't been together all that long. My BF and I were together over a year before I tried to move to be with him. I have also been married before and have had countless relationships, so I knew/know he is the one for me. Weigh the positive and negatives about moving, think long and hard about it. Good luck to you!!

[silvermoonfairy3]

How old is your son?
How long have you and the guy been dating?
Has any of this been discussed with the guy?
What kind of work would you be able to do in Ireland?

[Heavenly_Love12]

Well first off, to the forum! There are great people here and we all know what you're going through being in a long distance relationship.

Second, I too have questions. Like the previous posters asked, how long have you been dating? Have you known him for a while prior to dating? I wouldn't think of moving across the country, let alone across the world, to be with someone if I had not spent a lot of time with him in person and via skype and knew for 100% that he is the one for me. You also have your son and while they get along, how would they get along for an extended period of time? How old is your son? Is his father in his life? If so, what would he have to say about you wanting to move?

None of us will discourage anyone from wanting to close the distance but there is a time and a place for everything. You have to consider yourself, what work you would be able to do over there, and your son and his well-being. Having the answers to the questions that have been asked would be beneficial and provide us with more information to help you.

[Riyko]

I agree with the questions above.

All in all, talk to your mom, ask her what she thinks about you and chet moving to ireland say even if it's for 3 or 6 months to give it a trial run. Because you have a son you don't just want to up and move to ireland and leave everything behind, you need to give it a try of a few months, see how chet likes it and how he adjusts, also to try out how you and rohan would do living together. You can also ask rohan how he'd feel about moving to where you live for 3 to 6 months for a trial run as well.

[Ciera]

Hey,
sorry I write all that and miss out important things!

We've been together about 5 months. I wouldn't consider moving till the at least the summer though when we'd of been together around about a year. I guess right now it's more of a, can I make that move full stop, becuase if I can't we're delaying an inevitable.

My sons 8. His fathers not involved, never has been

As for discussing it with him, yeah, he wants me to move to live with him in Ireland but he tells me he'll foot the costs for applications and actually moving everything over (I wouldn't let him do that but he will have to help me because I cant afford to do it all by myself).
He says he doesn't want to pressure me and that I should take as long as I need to think about moving and to get everything in order to move.
But he is right, it's more practical for me to move there he's got a big family, nice house, good job - he works as a farrier and his family own a stables so he makes decent money.

As for me working, I just do bar work currently, he seems to think I coud get that kind of work out there or just help manage their stables till I find something I want to do.
I wouldn't have to work as much as I do now so I coud be with Chet more...which is definitely an added perk to moving.


If it were just me, I'd take a gamble and go tommorow, come back if it didn't work, I haven't really got anything to lose here BUT it's not, it's my son too, and I want to do what's best for him, I'm just not sure what is best for him!

[Bex2804]

I think its one of those things that if you dont do it you will be sitting there thinking, 'what if....' If you do decide to go just make sure you have a back up back home if things go wrong, and like someone else said, do a trial period of moving first... maybe go visit for a month over summer or something to see how it would be. Good luck

[Heavenly_Love12]

Thanks for answering our questions! I think you have to be realistic about everything including the costs, what you would do if things do not work out, and if you really want to make the jump so soon into knowing him. I know a year sounds like a good amount of time but my SO and I dated for a year CD and ended up breaking up. Now that we have been friends for a year and a half, as well as being in a relationship again, I can see that neither of us knew eachother they way we should have and that we both had a lot of growing up and maturing to do (we were 21 and 20 when we broke up before).

I am sure you can look in the closing the distance and international subsections to receive and read advice on how to go about obtaining visas and such. From reading other's posts, if you go to another country on a domestic partner or fiance visa, you have to prove that you are in a committed relationship. Have you thought about what kind of visa you and your son would need? I also think it is smart to have a plan work-wise. Even having a part-time job is better than none especially if you end up needing to move back. If I were you, I'd try to go on an extended holiday there or have many more visits before deciding to move. You want to be sure that you and your son will feel comfortable there and be able to make things work.

[Zephii]

Welcome

I just wanted to say that moving, even internationally, does not in any way mean that your mum can't still be a big part of his life. Yes, it takes more effort, but that's all it is, making an effort and making that connection a priority.

Our story is a lot different, but I feel you on the mum stuff. I have a little girl, and half her family is in this country, half in Canada - and that's how it's always going to be, because we can't make all the people in her life live on one side of the ocean. But there are letters, and skype and gifts and visits. Kids understand and appreciate so much more than we give them credit for.

I also think back to my mum. She wanted to move my whole life, not for love just because she hated where we were and there were zero opportunities. But she stayed for her mum because she was sick, then she stayed for her dad so he wouldn't be lonely... on and on, sacrificing what she wanted/needed for everyone else, and because she didn't see how there are so many ways to make family relationships still work when you're not in the same town. It reminds me that you have to live your life for yourself. Yes, you do have an obligation to your child/ren but you know what? Healthy, happy, fulfilled parents are very good for children. They can tell if you're not ok, not happy, no matter how you try to hide it. Sometimes you have to look after yourself first before you look after others.

Talk to your mum She wants what's best for both of you, and there's plenty of time. Visas take forever generally, so it's not something you have to face today, even if you set it in motion today.
Best of luck!

[80anthea]

If I were in your situation, I'd go but like Bex says have a back-up plan. Make sure you keep some ties to your Mom, have enough money in an account somewhere for plane tickets back to the US if you need it.

[silvermoonfairy3]

If I were in your situation, I'd go but like Bex says have a back-up plan. Make sure you keep some ties to your Mom, have enough money in an account somewhere for plane tickets back to the US if you need it.

Huuuuuge agree on having plane ticket money to get back if necessary.

In fact, I would say spend just as much time thinking about the contingency plans for if it doesn't work out. I realize that sounds very pessimistic, but the fact is, with an involved, happy partner who's willing to help out financially to get there, it'll get done 'easier' even if it involves visas, etc. In situations like this, it's easy to focus on just how to get stuff squared away to move there. But heaven forbid it doesn't work, then what? It's much harder to make that plan without that happy partner and helping out financially.

If you guys DO break up and he decides he isn't going to help financially to get you to leave, then what? And what about when you get back to the US, could you stay with your mother or a friend while looking for work and saving for a place for you and your son again?
Or, maybe he'd still help you move back, but either way, when a child is involved, I think it's best to come up with the backup plans that address worst case scenarios.

[Ciera]

Thanks guys!

I think its one of those things that if you dont do it you will be sitting there thinking, 'what if....' If you do decide to go just make sure you have a back up back home if things go wrong, and like someone else said, do a trial period of moving first... maybe go visit for a month over summer or something to see how it would be. Good luck

Yeah it is true that if I don't pursue it I would always wonder if I could of made a better life for me and Chet.


I really get the spending a serious length of time together, I was thinking about it last night, like going out for a month or so! Make sure us living out there works, that Chester's happy. Unfortunately it would swing on if my work would keep my job open, whether they would I don't know, i have my doubts, I'm only a barmaid.
He can always come out for 2 weeks here and there, but again he cant really go for any longer because he is tied to his work, if he's not reliable and available people find new farriers.

Thanks for answering our questions! I think you have to be realistic about everything including the costs, what you would do if things do not work out, and if you really want to make the jump so soon into knowing him. I know a year sounds like a good amount of time but my SO and I dated for a year CD and ended up breaking up. Now that we have been friends for a year and a half, as well as being in a relationship again, I can see that neither of us knew eachother they way we should have and that we both had a lot of growing up and maturing to do (we were 21 and 20 when we broke up before).

Yeah I know, especially because its a jump from seeing someone so little to living with them.

It's a risk I'd take because like I say, theres nothing out here for me, but Chet's a shy boy - if we went there and it all worked out, it could be the making of him, but equally if it didn't I don't want to unsettle him too much by moving back and forth if it didn't. It's just difficult.

I am sure you can look in the closing the distance and international subsections to receive and read advice on how to go about obtaining visas and such. From reading other's posts, if you go to another country on a domestic partner or fiance visa, you have to prove that you are in a committed relationship. Have you thought about what kind of visa you and your son would need?

Thanks, not gonna lie, immigration and visas confuse me. From what I can tell the fact my paternal grandfather was, born in Ireland, so if I get hold of a birth, marriage and death certificate i'm eligible to apply for an Irish passport and dual-citizenship through descent.
Then, as I can understand, I have to apply for a visa for Chet to come with me as my dependant, which i'm told should be okay as I'm a single parent with sole custody.
It is all very confusing though.

Welcome
I just wanted to say that moving, even internationally, does not in any way mean that your mum can't still be a big part of his life. Yes, it takes more effort, but that's all it is, making an effort and making that connection a priority.
Our story is a lot different, but I feel you on the mum stuff. I have a little girl, and half her family is in this country, half in Canada - and that's how it's always going to be, because we can't make all the people in her life live on one side of the ocean. But there are letters, and skype and gifts and visits. Kids understand and appreciate so much more than we give them credit for...
...Talk to your mum She wants what's best for both of you, and there's plenty of time. Visas take forever generally, so it's not something you have to face today, even if you set it in motion today.
Best of luck!

Thank you!
I would do whatever it took to make sure she still was a big part of his life (and my life too), I owe her so much for standing by me and for helping so much with Chet! I could never thank her enough for that!
Its not that i'm just choosing Rohan you know, its more than that, its a whole different life that we could have in Ireland. In the last year he probably spent as much if not more time at my moms house than at our flat - which i'm glad he gets to spend so much time with her, but out there i'd have more time to spend with him and that would be nice, he's growing up so quick.

Whenever I've spoke to my mom about it she's always just said that I don't need to justify it to her if I think its best for me and Chet she'll support me. Which is great of her, I know she'd probably rather I didn't go but...I don't know, I feel like if this is my shot to be properly happy, I don't want to miss it, but I don't want to do wrong either.

If I were in your situation, I'd go but like Bex says have a back-up plan. Make sure you keep some ties to your Mom, have enough money in an account somewhere for plane tickets back to the US if you need it.

Huuuuuge agree on having plane ticket money to get back if necessary.

In fact, I would say spend just as much time thinking about the contingency plans for if it doesn't work out. I realize that sounds very pessimistic, but the fact is, with an involved, happy partner who's willing to help out financially to get there, it'll get done 'easier' even if it involves visas, etc...

...If you guys DO break up and he decides he isn't going to help financially to get you to leave, then what? And what about when you get back to the US, could you stay with your mother or a friend while looking for work and saving for a place for you and your son again?
Or, maybe he'd still help you move back, but either way, when a child is involved, I think it's best to come up with the backup plans that address worst case scenarios.

This is very true, I hadn't really thought of that, I would definitely keep some money away for two tickets back to America!
Worst case scenario, if we did come back its not really the end of the world for me, i'd just stay with my mom, get another bar job, and rent another flat. But I feel for Chet in that situation, leaving school, starting a new one in Ireland and then leaving there and coming back to his old school again. Especially because he's not all that happy at school at the moment.

[CynicalQuixotic]

Were you raised by a parent from the UK/Ireland, or have you spent a lot of time there apart from your visits with your SO? I'm asking this because you use a lot of words that are standard over there ('mum', 'sod everything else', 'barmaid', 'flat', 'America') that an American would almost never use.

[Ciera]

Were you raised by a parent from the UK/Ireland, or have you spent a lot of time there apart from your visits with your SO? I'm asking this because you use a lot of words that are standard over there ('mum', 'sod everything else', 'barmaid', 'flat', 'America') that an American would almost never use.

My dad
It irritates me when I do it, I don't want to talk like him anymore, he was in my life when i was younger though and some things have just stuck - flat especially, don't know why, probably just cause its shorter than apartment!

[xanzbarr]

Hey, Sorry if I make this too long, I'm so confused right now.
I'm a single mum, I have a little boy, it was a typical 16 and pregnant type story. I've always gone for "bad boys", when I was a kid my mum used to go for that same type of guy time after time and I swore I wouldn't, but I did. I'm determined I wont bring guys like that into my sons life!!I dated a few guys after Chester was born but it was never serious, they were young guys and I had a son and we were in different places in life. So I haven't dated at all for about 3 or 4 years.

Then I meet this guy who's traveling on a gap year, to cut a long story very short he's a quadruplet from Ireland, he was a bit of that bad boy type but we got and became friends and while on holiday with him and some other mutual friends I met one of his brothers, Rohan.

Me and him clicked big time, stayed in contact, skyped a lot!
Then he came out to visit me. On the day he arrived he came over that afternoon, he wanted to eat and go see his first hockey game, I'd already asked my mom to babysit for the night and he was surprised because he wanted Chet to come with us - that was the moment when I just knew right then and there he was totally right for me, for us.
I fell hard for him, in that week, and in all the weeks after.

Me and Chet went to see him in Ireland the week before Christmas, it was great! He makes me incredibly happy, but Chet is the most important thing in my life and he was happy too.

Its left me torn. I know there's no way Rohan would leave Ireland, he's so close to his family, its like there's a pull to be where his brothers are, plus his work ties him to there. Which means to be together, which is what I want, to really give us a proper go, means me moving, although admittedly I have no great career that still means me moving my son half way across the world which I cant help but worry about, am I just being selfish.
My mom and Chester are the only family I have, when I had him my mom was so ridiculously amazing, I couldn't of done it without her, he wouldn't be the boy he is without her, to move him to Ireland would be taking away his and mines entire support system - I don't know if love is really a valid enough reason to...do that. If it was just me, id go, but its not just me, I just want to do right by my son.

Sometimes I feel like its just a fantasy.
But then I think maybe not, there genuinely could be a life for me and Chet in Ireland because its not just a case of I love Rohan so sod everything else.
When we went out there it was so nice to see Chet doing stuff like fishing and horse riding. He hasn't got a male figure in his life out here and Rohan is such a good one, I cant even believe how good he is when he's not his son.
And he's got such a big family and it was so nice to sit back and watch Chet play outdoors with Row's nephews and little cousins. Because he's quite a shy boy and out here he always hangs back from other kids. I see it when I take him to his sports clubs and now even his teachers are telling me it.
It breaks my heart. It breaks my heart if that's my fault, because I love that boy so much there's nothing in the world that I wouldn't do for him! But it's just me, I don't have a check from his dad each month or anything, its just me. And I haven't got a high paying job, so I have to go out and work these long hours, I have to to get money to feed him and to pay the bills, I don't have a choice. And that means that i'm not there as much as I like, as much as I want to be!!
My moms fantastic, she looks after him when im working as much as she can so he's with family but, if its hurting him, me not being there as much as I wish I could be then that kills me, cause all I want is for him to be happy, i'm doing my best, i'm trying as hard as ive ever tried at anything, but I don't have a choice we need the money.

Maybe a life out there, would be better for me and him. Living out in the country, lots of people around him, small schools, me with more time because i'm not trying to run a house hold by myself, a father figure in his life. Rohan gave Chet a present when we left Ireland, the kind of string necklace with a Celtic knot charm that he and his 3 brothers wear. Its old Irish tradition, to do with the timeless nature of your spirit, its meant to bring luck. He loves it, he wears it everyday.
I love seeing Chet with a good male influence in his life.

BUT the price is leaving everything we know, me and him both. And moving half way around the world from my mom.
And maybe its just a jump to far. My mums my rock but more importantly Chet's rock, I don't want to uproot him for the wrong reason. I'm so worried what ever I do im making a mistake.


Sorry, ive rambled on and on now, sorry.

Hey would your mom move to Ireland with you?