Advice for a very confused heart

[LostFalls]

Hello,

I posted this awhile back and instead of reviving a dead thread I thought I would start a new one with a new problem. If you didn't read my original post my SO has recently arrived in the country from overseas, but instead of coming to me she went to where her female friend had a job waiting for her. It made more sense for the first few months of her being here. She was supposed to come here in January but has now told me she has lost all feeling, she doesn't feel for the future, doesn't feel for me, doesn't feel for her friends or family. That was in November...

Thread titled "More-than-a-little-lost-need-help"

For Christmas I sent my usually package filled with greatness, and she texted me that she isn't what I deserve and that she know what she wants. I told her that we should talk later after the holiday and now I sit, two days after our conversation completely lost within myself. I have known her for three years and visited her in her own country. I truly felt a connection to this woman that I find hard to believe will ever diminish (I realize the wound is still raw but this is how I feel) She felt the same way, we talked every day and shared details about our lives building a dream for the future in the process. I realized that she suffered from a lack of patience and depression at times, but I was always on the inside fence when it happened. This time it feels like she has put up a barrier between herself and the world. She didn't want to fight for us when I asked her, she didn't want to make any plans at all. She is supposed to return home in May, I asked her to visit me or let me visit her before she returns home (visa issues) She said she would try but didn't want to make any promises. After our conversation we agreed to not talk anymore...as in never again, a clean break. I sat and tried to figure out what went wrong...

and then hours after we spoke, she contacted me and said that she couldn't go without talking to me, I know her and she didn't want to mock my life and my feelings but she wanted to keep talking. I asked her if her feelings had changed if she realized something and she said no, lets take it a day at a time. She has no goals for the future, no plans have been made other than the visit which is entirely on her at the moment, she asked me if I would be willing to move to a different state or a different country and I responded that it depended on the person and their level of commitment and feelings she agreed and didn't push the topic. She brought up that where she was working was not where she wanted to end up, she is in her early thirties and is starting to feel life tug on her. I told her that it would be ok with both of us working towards a future, but she retreated inwards, saying that she didn't want to hurt me and she hurts the people around her, she wants find where she belongs in life. If the second conversation hadn't happened I think I would have a more clear cut picture of what is going on, but after the second one all I can seem to do is stare at the thread that exists between the future we dreamed about and our not being together anymore. Does anyone have any advice? (btw when we ended the last conversation she requested that we not talk about the subject the next time we spoke)

[differentcountries]

This is not very confusing. She broke up, now she wants you but offers no commitment. Drop her.

[melarie]

I'm very sorry that you're going through this. It can be tough being with someone with depression, I know I put my boyfriend through some rough days when my depression gets bad. I'll do my best to shed some light on some things, but I can't speak for her of course.

First, a lot of guilt can come with depression. I've often felt guilty that maybe I'll rub off on him or just guilty that he has to put up with me and all this sadness and being lost. And that guilt, feeling like you're ruining the lives of your loved ones, can make you do unrational things. It can make you want to shut even your closest companions out.

My suggestion, make sure she knows that she has always made you very happy, even in her down moments. It won't fix things, but it will help with subsiding the guilty hopefully, enough that maybe she can think over it without those feelings impairing her judgment. Hopefully that's what it is. Or maybe she just feels that she needs a change, which can also be due to irrational thinking due to depression.

A while back, in spring,my boyfriend and I nearly took a break and I think it was mostly due to these thing. I just felt horrible about my life and not only did I want something new, but I felt bad, like I was holding him back. But we realized it was silly and we make each other happy, regardless of my ups and downs. I sincerely hope she'll have the same revelation. Best of luck.

[Moon]

It sounds to me like, right now, she needs some space to get things sorted. You said she moved to a new country, that's a very big deal and quite a change for anyone to make. She may or may not want a permanent break, there's no way to know for certain at the moment. If I were you, I'd stop contacting her, and give her space for while, and just see what happens, it's really all you can do, without furthering the damage. I do mean space, you can't contact her three times a day, asking how she's doing, or just to check up. Let her come to you, give her the opportunity to miss you, and see if she realizes something's missing. That will be hard, but it's the only way, really. If she gets in touch, chat, have fun and keep it light. Then wait for her to do it again. Don't talk about the relationship, let her do that, and just see what happens. Give yourself a reasonable time limit on how long you'll wait though, then STICK to it!

This isn't about playing games, it's about giving you both room to figure out what you want, and see if the relationship is worth saving, on both sides. If you keep contacting her, and bugging her about your status, she'll only be frustrated and that'll make it difficult for her to see things clearly. Good luck.

[Heavenly_Love12]

I'm very sorry that you're going through this. It can be tough being with someone with depression, I know I put my boyfriend through some rough days when my depression gets bad. I'll do my best to shed some light on some things, but I can't speak for her of course.

First, a lot of guilt can come with depression. I've often felt guilty that maybe I'll rub off on him or just guilty that he has to put up with me and all this sadness and being lost. And that guilt, feeling like you're ruining the lives of your loved ones, can make you do unrational things. It can make you want to shut even your closest companions out.

My suggestion, make sure she knows that she has always made you very happy, even in her down moments. It won't fix things, but it will help with subsiding the guilty hopefully, enough that maybe she can think over it without those feelings impairing her judgment. Hopefully that's what it is. Or maybe she just feels that she needs a change, which can also be due to irrational thinking due to depression.

THIS! Oh my, she took the words right out of my mouth! I have felt and been feeling the same way that she said. I feel guilty being around others when depressed and like I am going to bring others down. My SO and I are going through the same issue where I am trying to figure out if I should just let him live his life without me while I seek help but he is adamant about staying by my side. It makes it easier and more difficult for me but it looks like he isn't going to go anywhere.

My advice to you is to be patient! She has gone through a lot of changes recently and I'm sure her head is spinning. She is probably trying to figure things out and decide where she wants to be in life. Let her know that you will be there for her, even as a friend, and take it one day at a time. You cannot wait forever but it is not unreasonable to choose to wait a certain amount of time. If she is really the one for you, then all things will work out in the end. I know it is difficult but we all go through hard times and it is nice to know that someone is out there who cares, especially when you are far from family and loved ones.

[LostFalls]

Thank you all for your advice, I think I will just take it a day at a time. We used to talk every morning that is going to be a hard adjustment after 2 years, I heard from her last night she said she wished me to be happy every morning I wake up (my over analyzing brain took this as another step back?) I am going to wait until May I think, I won't be able to date anyone in the state I'm in and in May she is planning on going back home for a bit. I am really hoping for a breakthrough if she follows through on coming out to see me. I want to thank you all