Expectations and jealousy

[piratemama]

We all have hopes, and there's nothing wrong with that. But, has anyone else come to notice that expectations can lead to trouble? I'm noticing that my expectations of what will happen, what should happen, what my SO should do and when, and even what my day will bring, can get me in big trouble! I get disappointed and depressed. I'm trying hard to enjoy the LDR as it happens and not expect certain things.

I'm not sure if it is related to expectations, and I'm still trying to figure it all out, but I'm really struggling with jealousy. I'm not jealous of other women, but I'm jealous of any other people that get to hang out with my SO. I'm jealous of the time he spends doing anything but spending time with me. I'm struggling more and more with this. My head (and my heart) both truly want my SO to get out and have fun. I'm glad I can trust him while he's out. I also know in my heart that he and I will get time to be CD in the future.

I'm also very lucky and thankful to have someone special that will try to meet my needs. If I need time with him, he tries to make it happen. So, I don't have any reason to be jealous or feel like my expectations are unmet. It's just this nagging feeling that won't go away. Every time he says he's going out, I get terribly jealous. One thing makes it worse is that now he's in a position where he can go out often, but I can't. My mother is staying with me and needs me to stay with her mostly. Also, I don't have much money for going out, and my friends are busy with other things. It would be great to have a friend that would like to simply hang out, but most of my friends like going out to expensive places.

I feel left out.

Do any of you have these feelings? Is this normal? I don't want to be childish or unfair?

BTW: My goal for the new year is to work on my expectations and try to fair to others in what I expect. Or maybe, I'll just get rid of the expectations altogether and make the best of the day and the LDR just as it is at the moment.

[Malaga]

I think you correctly recognised that your jealousy happens mostly because you yourself don't have much of a social life. When you have too much idle time on your hands, you start demanding more of his time to fill out your day. I know it holds true for me. Try filling out your time with more activities and you will quickly feel more fulfilled and balanced in your expectations.

You don't even need other people to keep yourself busy. Reading is one of the easiest ways to get lost in another world for a few hours. Books are also fairly inexpensive and you don't have to leave the house. Not to mention it will benefit you on so many levels.

[differentcountries]

It is natural to feel envious for those who get to spend time with our so when we don't. I felt so left out when my bf went to see his family, and now I am even jealous of his studies! It is good to be upfront about expectations. Labelling them is doing no one a favour. Some stuff you have to deal with yourself, because you can't complain over details, but if something is bugging you over time it is better to come clean with it. I have lots of expectations! Some are ok and up front, like we will talk every evening on Skype, other expectations emerge when they are not furfilled. Needs are not good or bad, they should be verbalized if possable and what is up for discussion is not the need, but the strategy to fill it. Then there can be brainstorming and creative compromise.

[stormy]

I believe that is "normal". I have had these feelings and even though neither of us will express them to one another because it would be unfair, I can tell he has as well.

I felt it when I had a New Year's Eve party at my place and I sent him pictures to try to keep him included but of course, it can't be the same as him being there.
I read an article that pointed out that this was one of the most difficult parts of LDRs. Other people get to do the things you wish you were there to do with them, and they need to have a life outside of you, so it's a hard pill to swallow.

I think it can be a mutual understanding that this part is one of the cons of LDRs, personally I think it should be an unspoken one... if not then maybe just mentioning once exactly how you explained it here (I want you to have a life, to enjoy it... I just really wish I was there to enjoy it with you more often).

[folclor]

I've definitely felt that way many a time ^^; I don't know if it would apply to your situation, but my guy and I had a talk while he was down here and figured out that part of what bugs me/brings out my jealousy is cultural differences. But, yes, I've felt that way before. No, you're not crazy or silly or childish or wrong. It is, like Malaga said, probably something that will go away if you fill your time with other things.

I have issues purposely distracting myself, so I don't have many suggestions, but maybe it'd be a good idea to focus more on a hobby you have or read more or pick up something new and inexpensive.

Good luck to you, regardless.

[Kitten_mittens]

Well it seems everyone else has already given wonderful advice. All I can really say is I tend to feel the same way. I was even friends with one of my SOs friends on Facebook but I ended up deleting them cause I hated when they tagged my SO in posts when they hung out =[

And if you're going to follow the advice of reading a book "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo" series is AMAZING. =] If I was closer I would just come hang out. I'm totally cool with finding free easy stuff to do.

[Heavenly_Love12]

I think this is something that many of us struggle with, I know I do! My SO went out last night to celebrate his friend's birthday and I was just at home reading. I don't have friends here so I don't get to go out and spend time with others. I get jealous of my SO because he can actually have a social life and has his family near by, my family is in Texas too. It's hard knowing that all we can do is wait to spend in person quality time together and I get jealous that others are able to see him in person everyday. While finding things to do distracts me, it doesn't take away the sadness or the pain I feel.

I hope you're able to talk to your SO about how you feel and be able to not feel as jealous as time goes on.

[mocha]

Ok so I totally get the jealous thing because I am guilty of it myself. Everyone has given you really good advice and im going to try to do those things they suggested as well.

I know what it's like to move somewhere far away from friends and family and it sucks. Luckily you have Us in this forum! Hey if you have Netflix or Hulu maybe we could watch a movie or show and crack a few jokes or drool over Gerrard Butler for a little while lol (omg he is sooo hawt). My bf thinks its so lame but I don't care! Here for ya or anyone else in this forum. Hope you have a ridiculously amazing day today!

[piratemama]

I think you correctly recognised that your jealousy happens mostly because you yourself don't have much of a social life. When you have too much idle time on your hands, you start demanding more of his time to fill out your day. I know it holds true for me. Try filling out your time with more activities and you will quickly feel more fulfilled and balanced in your expectations.

You don't even need other people to keep yourself busy. Reading is one of the easiest ways to get lost in another world for a few hours. Books are also fairly inexpensive and you don't have to leave the house. Not to mention it will benefit you on so many levels.

This isn't exactly the problem. I am always busy, but it's not with my honey. I am a caregiver to my mother, a homeschool mom to my 16-yr-old daughter, and am busy with church activities. Nothing fills the void I feel when my SO isn't around, though.

[piratemama]

[QUOTE=stormy;331468 Other people get to do the things you wish you were there to do with them, and they need to have a life outside of you, so it's a hard pill to swallow.[/QUOTE]

I think this phrases it exactly like how I feel.

[piratemama]

It is natural to feel envious for those who get to spend time with our so when we don't. I felt so left out when my bf went to see his family, and now I am even jealous of his studies! It is good to be upfront about expectations. Labelling them is doing no one a favour. Some stuff you have to deal with yourself, because you can't complain over details, but if something is bugging you over time it is better to come clean with it. I have lots of expectations! Some are ok and up front, like we will talk every evening on Skype, other expectations emerge when they are not furfilled. Needs are not good or bad, they should be verbalized if possable and what is up for discussion is not the need, but the strategy to fill it. Then there can be brainstorming and creative compromise.

This pretty much sums it up. I can really understand you being jealous of his studies. We just don't get enough time with our SO's, so we get jealous of whatever else gets that time.

[piratemama]

Well it seems everyone else has already given wonderful advice. All I can really say is I tend to feel the same way. I was even friends with one of my SOs friends on Facebook but I ended up deleting them cause I hated when they tagged my SO in posts when they hung out =[

And if you're going to follow the advice of reading a book "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo" series is AMAZING. =] If I was closer I would just come hang out. I'm totally cool with finding free easy stuff to do.

I forgot to mention in one of my earlier replies that I do love to read and always have a good book going. Right now I'm reading a Dean Koontz book. My daughter and I play chess together often, too. And, I have some computer games that are fun. Cooking is another one of my likes. It's not that I'm not busy enough, but I'm not doing what he is doing.

Thank you all for your great advice, though. What has helped me most with this post has been knowing others feel the same sometimes.

[Moon]

I wouldn't use the word jealous, but maybe wistful would be better to describe how I sometimes feel. I never feel jealous at all when he's with friends, or family, I like hearing his adventures I do get that lonely, longing feeling when I'm out doing things on my own, and I wish work would stop stealing so much of our time, energy, and enjoyment. There are times where I think "Man I wish I could've been there!" from time to time, when he's done something really interesting, I know that could be very technically called jealousy, but that isn't really how it feels to me, just a kind of wistful longing, if that makes sense.

[piratemama]

I wouldn't use the word jealous, but maybe wistful would be better to describe how I sometimes feel. I never feel jealous at all when he's with friends, or family, I like hearing his adventures I do get that lonely, longing feeling when I'm out doing things on my own, and I wish work would stop stealing so much of our time, energy, and enjoyment. There are times where I think "Man I wish I could've been there!" from time to time, when he's done something really interesting, I know that could be very technically called jealousy, but that isn't really how it feels to me, just a kind of wistful longing, if that makes sense.

It makes perfect sense, and I wish I had thought of the word "wistful."

[Steph89]

I get these feelings too, and I think it's completely normal, like I couldn't be with him for New Years and I was jealous of the people that got to.

We recently had a chat about it and I found him telling me he felt the same way made me feel better, then we continued to talk about how one day we will get to experience these things together

I find that because most days I get to FaceTime him for a good amount of time, I tend not to feel like that too often, it's usually specific dates like over the holidays or birthdays, anniversaries etc.

I wouldn't feel guilty about it though, you want to spend time and enjoy life with the person you love the most and you currently can't, the feelings you and I have are completely understandable