How to Avoid Misscomunications and Deal With Them When They Happen

[Kitten_mittens]

I've been having a really rough time with my SO lately. It seems we can't go more than a day without a big argument and I don't know how much longer of this I can handle I have realized that a good part of the arguments stem from miscommunication. We text through out the day and I feel maybe it would help if we didn't but he gets offended when I mention that as he takes it as I don't want to talk to him and I don't miss him as much as he misses me. Please help me save my relationship. How do you avoid miscommunications and how do you handle them when they happen? TIA

[Gnome]

Why don't you try having set communication times? Phone calls at certain times, limited texting, scheduled Skype dates?

[differentcountries]

I find that too much texting leads to misunderstandings. We have a standing deal to not have lenghty convos over text. This has improved communication a lot for us.

[Kitten_mittens]

I will try to limit texting.. But like I said that usually doesn't end well either. He'll end up texting me a bunch and he'll get upset if I don't respond..but I will try talking to him about it once everything has settled.

[stormy]

How about calling him if he goes into one of his texting fits (I'm not sure if that word is what I want to use but I couldn't think of another one)? Just saying... I think we should have this conversation on the phone where we can hear each others voices so we do not miss anything or misunderstand one another.

[Kitten_mittens]

How about calling him if he goes into one of his texting fits (I'm not sure if that word is what I want to use but I couldn't think of another one)? Just saying... I think we should have this conversation on the phone where we can hear each others voices so we do not miss anything or misunderstand one another.

It's seems by the time it happens one or both of us is already too upset and don't want to call and also sometimes calling isn't an option cause I might be next to my sleeping baby or he may be with friends/family.

I have tried telling him to let me know if he thinks I'm being short with him. But he never does and just assumed and gets really upset with me. Then I get upset cause he's gotten upset over me being short when I'm really not.. And sometimes he seems short with me and I'll tell him "I feel you're not being nice to me" or "you seem unhappy with me" and that seems to piss him off more..

[snow_girl]

Perhaps you are both taking things too personally/seriously?

[Kitten_mittens]

I'm sorry I'm not trying to avoid these solutions or be impossible. I guess it might seem that way. I will try these suggestions as much as I can.

[BabyGund]

One of the biggest problems with relationships, period. Our culture of communication via written word, where you miss inflection and nuance in the voice when something is being said. Even I've done it -- I felt like my SO was yelling at me via email and he had to talk me down and tell me he wasn't.

Either suspend the conversation until you can talk over the phone or Skype, or ask a lot of clarifying questions when texting to get the intent. And if you have to do that while texting, you're better off waiting til you can talk in person.

[stormy]

I'm sorry I'm not trying to avoid these solutions or be impossible. I guess it might seem that way. I will try these suggestions as much as I can.

I do not think you are doing that, it does sound as if both of you may have you guards up, therefore... you're always ready to attack if you feel something is off.
I get the feeling that this might be the case because I am in my first relationship where I am not doing this and it makes a world of a difference for our disagreements.

We just had one two days ago! It has not completely left my mind but I am still open enough to this working that I have mostly let it go so that I can feel happy when I finally hear his voice and he's trying to show me how much he cares. He has the past tendency to get defensive and shut off in defense as well. We saw that about one another during our very first fight and realized that if this was going to work we were going to have to be very deliberate in our choice of words and tone when we were not seeing eye to eye or one of us upset the other.

He has now actually pointed out to me that it is one of his favorite things about me. I have to make whatever I need from him clear, or else I can not expect for him to know what he can do to make things better. In my experience this only happens on the phone or face to face. There have been times when I started in text messages (explaining why I am upset) and he will call me so we can actually speak about. Maybe you need to ask your SO exactly what it is that he needs from you in moments that you two are not in agreement about something.

If it is really that important, you two can find the time to talk about it. If you do not feel that you need to find the time to talk about, maybe it is a good idea to question if it is worth arguing over at all...

[Kitten_mittens]

One of the biggest problems with relationships, period. Our culture of communication via written word, where you miss inflection and nuance in the voice when something is being said. Even I've done it -- I felt like my SO was yelling at me via email and he had to talk me down and tell me he wasn't.

Either suspend the conversation until you can talk over the phone or Skype, or ask a lot of clarifying questions when texting to get the intent. And if you have to do that while texting, you're better off waiting til you can talk in person.

I will do this, thank you.

We had a problem over the phone too where I was telling him how I was excited about being able to minor in German and he responded with asking how much it will cost and how much time it will take. And it all sounded negative. We got into an argument about it because he thought he was helping and I thought he was kind of stomping on my dreams. Our communication is crap

[Kitten_mittens]

I do not think you are doing that, it does sound as if both of you may have you guards up, therefore... you're always ready to attack if you feel something is off.
I get the feeling that this might be the case because I am in my first relationship where I am not doing this and it makes a world of a difference for our disagreements.

We just had one two days ago! It has not completely left my mind but I am still open enough to this working that I have mostly let it go so that I can feel happy when I finally hear his voice and he's trying to show me how much he cares. He has the past tendency to get defensive and shut off in defense as well. We saw that about one another during our very first fight and realized that if this was going to work we were going to have to be very deliberate in our choice of words and tone when we were not seeing eye to eye or one of us upset the other.

He has now actually pointed out to me that it is one of his favorite things about me. I have to make whatever I need from him clear, or else I can not expect for him to know what he can do to make things better. In my experience this only happens on the phone or face to face. There have been times when I started in text messages (explaining why I am upset) and he will call me so we can actually speak about. Maybe you need to ask your SO exactly what it is that he needs from you in moments that you two are not in agreement about something.

If it is really that important, you two can find the time to talk about it. If you do not feel that you need to find the time to talk about, maybe it is a good idea to question if it is worth arguing over at all...

This is amazing advice. Thank you.

I do feel like we both have our guard up we have had a lot of arguments lately and they really didn't seem solved to me. I feel I had to bottle up how I felt in fear of him making me feel worse about it.. So maybe that's part of it. I'll see if I can talk over what's still bothering me and see if we can fix it all.

And I'm definitely going to be more direct with him and ask him what he needs and tell him more clearly what I need as well.

[differentcountries]

And sometimes he seems short with me and I'll tell him "I feel you're not being nice to me" or "you seem unhappy with me" and that seems to piss him off more..

That is actually not strange. You are passing judgement rather than simply telling him how you feel. You may try to rephraze such sentences and see if it soothes his mood.

[Kitten_mittens]

That is actually not strange. You are passing judgement rather than simply telling him how you feel. You may try to rephraze such sentences and see if it soothes his mood.

I thought I was by saying "I feel" and "it seems"... I've really been trying. What do you suggest I say instead?

[differentcountries]

I thought I was by saying "I feel" and "it seems"... I've really been trying. What do you suggest I say instead?

I see how you would think that. But there is little difference between saying "You are not being nice to me" and putting "I feel" in front of it... I will suggest you saying something like "When you say... I feel sad /angry /confused... (whatever feeling you are having) because I need to connect with you /understand /have clarity (or any other basic need). Would you consider instead doing... (something concrete). This is the four steps of non Violent Communication, as outlined by Marshall Rosenberg. It may even work just discribing your need. Needs are stuff all human beings have, and hence much harder to take personally as an insult.