Is it wrong?

[Zephii]

I see Zephii beat me to it

We're kindred spirits

[Roro]

Thank you everyone for your response, I wrote this to her -

Hun, I've had a hard think about everything we spoke about tonight, and I'm happy about everything we've spoken about. Though my only area of concern is *****. Now before you think I'm pointing fingers and not trusting you, please hear me out, you told me to tell you anything I feel so here goes. I've stayed up till 7am this morning, clearing my thoughts, organizing them and even posting in a long distance relationship forum to see what the response is. No names were mentioned, just the general situation, everyone agreed that it was a very bad idea.

I feel like even though you've known him for a while, him telling you that 'he'd be interested in you but doesn’t chase taken women' is firstly an odd statement to make at all unless you want the person to know that you have interest in them (from a guys perspective its a safe way to show interest in a taken lady) , jokingly flirting for a guy is also like a way to test the water babe, again, trust me on that, I know.

Then there is the fact that you asked me permission to cuddle with him, which I'm wondering if you guys have cuddled in the past or not, because i wouldn't have known unless i asked those questions. there is the fact that it is a pretty obvious fact that if you cuddle with a guy who is interested in you at some point, you are being physically affectionate and in a way encouraging him. There is nothing wrong with cuddling a male friend you’ve known for a while and trust. But cuddling someone who has expressed interest is something that is not right. Especially with just the two of you, the whole setup doesn’t settle well with me. I wouldnt expect either of us to put ourselves in situation where the other person could do something. It's not that I don't trust you, but I think you need to be sure that you are not just subconsciously reaching out to other guys to fill emotional or physical (as far as being held) needs that I cannot. I need you to be sure that me coming out to see you in Florida is a good idea for you.

[Ahava]

Great email! Very well written and I don't think anyone could get upset from that. Now I'm starting to think it's a shame my guy doesn't like writing long emails/isn't that good at writing LOL
But he is good at cuddling and making me laugh

[Rugger]

I guess I shouldn't be terribly surprised by most people's reactions here, but for what it's worth, I don't think cuddling up with a friend for a movie, even one of the opposite sex, is particularly a big deal. The fact he's expressed an interest in her and they haven't known each other long is where I'd draw the line, only because it would be leading him on. But mates she's always done that with? Who cares?

Obi used to ask me, way back when we first committed, if he could do the same thing with certain people. In the long run he admitted he found it hard not to take things further than I'd allowed and so he stopped putting himself in those situations, but I never felt I had to worry that he'd over step the mark. That's what trust is! I know full well if he wants to sleep with someone other than me, he will ask me first, so I never have to worry that a cuddle is going to go too far. I am grateful however that we're no longer LD and don't have to think about it any more, because I am a terribly jealous person at heart

I think if your trust and communication is strong enough then you don't have to worry so much about what other people might think, go with what works for you as a couple. Relationships are not one size fits all.

I agree with Zehpii here. I don't see cuddling as a bad thing. I'm a cuddler. I cuddle with my friends, male and female. When by group from high school watches TV or a movie together, we are one giant cuddle puddle. I think the real danger here is that this gut has feelings for your SO and cuddling with him could possibly be seen as leading on. If he had no feelings for her, I would say you need to chill.

[differentcountries]

Great letter. The interest is the issue, not the cuddle. If she misses touch I am sure she can find girl friends or guys who have not yet told her they are holding back because she is taken... I cuddle a lot, with guys and girls, straight and queer. There are types of cuddle that I do only if I am interested, though.

[ThePiedPiper]

I agree with Zehpii here. I don't see cuddling as a bad thing. I'm a cuddler. I cuddle with my friends, male and female. When by group from high school watches TV or a movie together, we are one giant cuddle puddle. I think the real danger here is that this gut has feelings for your SO and cuddling with him could possibly be seen as leading on. If he had no feelings for her, I would say you need to chill.

I agree with Rugger and Zephii. My SO and I went out with a friend of mine skating (her husband was out and she was lonesome, so my SO and I invited her out with my SO and I to his sister's birthday party) and at one point, she, my sister, my boyfriend, and I were all holding hands and just generally touchy feely with one another. My SO always scratches his brother's girlfriend's head or pinches her nose when he meets up with them, and he's hugged my sister when she's been upset or angry and ragging on him and patted her head as well. I tend to be a shoulder and back toucher where appropriate and have gone from being hands-off to a hugger and very touchy feely as well. Some people are simply more touchy feely than others, and I think that a certain level of trust needs to be established and maintained. I bet if I brought any of the actions up to my SO, he'd look at me very confused, and I've been confused when ex's have been upset by my touchy-feelyness in the past, simply because I've never crossed any lines and it's so innocent to me, that it's been hard to see where it could have been misinterpreted (I understand more now, of course, but didn't in the past). Your e-mail to her sounds smart, well-written, and isn't accusatory at all, so I should hope she'll respond well to it. As others have said, it sounds like the issue is more his interest than anything. She's the only one in the equation that matters, as far as cheating goes - he can't do anything she does not permiss - but it seems to open the floor to her potentially engaging his feelings a little bit and that's never a nice thing, whether he goes for taken women or doesn't.

[Roro]

After reading all this and knowing my own gf I can say that she is quite naive to guys intentions and always tries to see the good in everyone, she places her trust in people really easily. I will wait for her to read what I wrote and find out if she even knows if she is doing it, if she doesn't then I need to talk to her about it and make sure it doesn't happen again. If it's a view she disagrees with...then I guess it can only go one way. I'm gonna go see her in 16 days too...god this is heartbreaking.

[ranakanth]

I know I'm a bit late chiming in, but I cannot echo Zephii and Rugger's comments enough. In North America we're brought up with frankly very unhealthy attitudes toward physical contact and jealousy.

In all my 33 years and many relationships, it boils down to this: do you trust your significant other?


Just stop for a moment and consider that question.


Now, here's why it's what matters: If you trust your significant other, it doesn't matter what another person in the equation might do. It means you trust your partner not to cross the boundaries you've established and agreed upon together.

Communicate with your partner. Express your feelings and thoughts openly and calmly. Then give them the same chance to express their feelings and thoughts without interrupting. Next, discuss how each of you feel. Come to a consensus on where the boundaries are that you're both comfortable with, and why.

Don't be afraid to stop and examine why you're feeling the way you do, and likewise your partner's motivations. Ask yourself, "do I actually feel this way because of a conscious decision on my part? Or is it just because other people are raising knee-jerk fears and doubts that are feeding my own?" Think about the situation and come to your decision on how you feel for your own reasons. Beyond that it's all about communication and openness with each other.

Find what's right for you as a couple, in mutual trust and respect. I hope this helps.

[lucybelle]

I don't think the issue is about trust/respect/etc, it's more about what you are comfortable with in your relationship. Not from any particular poster here, but I sort of got a general feeling from everyone "pro-cuddling" that if you don't allow your SO to cuddle you're an evil, overbearing partner who doesn't trust them. I 100% trust my SO but cuddling is something that he and I share, and I want to keep it that way. It's not that I'm an overbearing awful wife, it's just I don't like the idea of him hugging up on a female. I would be okay with him going to strip clubs and getting lap dances, which other people might not be okay with. Different people, different ideas of boundaries. If you are okay with her cuddling, let her do it. If you're not okay, then draw a line. It's that simple.

[Tooki]

You shouldn't feel bad or negligent if you don't want your SO to cuddle other people, it's your own feelings. Your email was well-written and at the end of the day, you two need to set boundaries.

[sarahjane1992]

Not the best choice. Sure it's a cuddle but cuddle can lead to more. I get you trust her but why would she be up for cuddling ?
That's the last thing I want to do with another guy while in a relationship

My thoughts exactly. Why would someone put themselves in that situation? If you're in a committed relationship, what's the point? That could lead to other things and damage your relationship. I trust my SO but I would not be ok with him hugging and being super close to other girls. And I know he'd feel the same way about me and other guys.
Trust is good but you have to set boundaries.

[Kanga]

I don't think the issue is about trust/respect/etc, it's more about what you are comfortable with in your relationship. Not from any particular poster here, but I sort of got a general feeling from everyone "pro-cuddling" that if you don't allow your SO to cuddle you're an evil, overbearing partner who doesn't trust them. I 100% trust my SO but cuddling is something that he and I share, and I want to keep it that way. It's not that I'm an overbearing awful wife, it's just I don't like the idea of him hugging up on a female. I would be okay with him going to strip clubs and getting lap dances, which other people might not be okay with. Different people, different ideas of boundaries. If you are okay with her cuddling, let her do it. If you're not okay, then draw a line. It's that simple.

Yep, I agree with this. It's what works in your relationship. Everyone else in a relationship is not a guideline on how your relationship should work. I personally wouldn't be ok with it, it's pretty intimate to me. That's just me and how my relationship works for me and my SO.