LDR is bringing us to a crossroad too early

[deirdreul]

Hi all, first time poster here as this is my first problem in a new LDR but it is pretty substantial. All experiences and comments welcome!

Just over 3 years ago I moved from Europe to the US for a job. After 1 year I met my amazing SO at my job and we have been dating for just over 2 years. 3 months ago I moved back to Europe as I got a new great job opportunity and my US contract was finished and visa was finishing too. I work in academia and these positions in europe do not come up often and, surprisingly, no US job could match it.

So I moved back for this great job and happy to get closer to home. My SO had planned to move over here with me immediately to do a masters course that he always wanted to do and that would get him a student visa. After much soul searching we realized that was too rushed and it would probably put too much pressure on our relationship both moving to a new country and starting new lived. Instead we decided on a 1 year LDR planning for him to move in july 2014.

The LDR has been going well. I moved initially in Sept and we have seen each other twice since then. Talk every night on skype and viber when we can during the day. When we are back together it is amazing. We never fight and have so much fun during our precious time together.

But now he says he has hesitations about moving. Totally understandble of course, it is a big move! He is 26 and I am 30 so there is a lifestage and education/career gap. He does not know whether he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and, to him, a move to Europe from the US means for a forever relationship. I assured him I do not expect that. Many things could go wrong once he gets here. He says he doesnt love me yet (I know...after 2 years...bjt to him LOVE means forever) but his actions, committment and affection and the way we are together are as stong as anything. He feels he has not been missing me since I left the way he thought he would and does not have a 'pain in the heart longing'. Yet we are in constant contact so I feel like we are pretty close anyway.

So he is obviously getting cold feet! I do not expect him to commit to me for life right now but if he doesnt move for a year or two here we cannot go on as i cant get a job backn the US right now. We are communicating and fighting for this relationship. But what can we do to help the situation? Ease off on the contact? Take a break to let him experience what he is missing? Give him time?

Has anyone had his happen and what do you do to resolve the issue? Xxx

[Moon]

I think that maybe you need to give the topic a rest for a while, give yourselves some more time, then revisit it later. Give him a change to mature a little, and see where the relationship goes. If after 6 months, or a year, he still won't consider it, well, then you might need to reconsider everything, but it's only been 4 months since you've moved, be patient and see if the idea grows on him. Good luck.

[differentcountries]

What kind of job could he get? Does he know anyone there? Sounds like he is afraid of not having a life separate from you, and he could think about how to create a useful life for himself there.

[Heavenly_Love12]

I agree with Moon. Moving isn't something that you should decide to do when you're not ready and that's how it sounds your SO is feeling. I'm sure it has been hard for him to go from thinking that he would continue living in the U.S. to considering moving across the world, even if the master's program is something he has been wanting to pursue. Give him some more time to consider the idea and to figure things out. The only ways to end an LDR is for one person to move to the other or both people to move to a different location together. In time, you will be able to see if one of those options is possible for you two and if not, go from there.

[lucybelle]

I'm just trying to understand, you two are still in a relationship, right? Not just "friends"?

Agree with moon, as usual. Lay off him a little about it. An international move is a huge deal. Enjoy your LDR, make tentative plans for him to visit, NOT MOVE. Don't make it as a potential scouting trip to see if he'll like the area. Just to hang out and be with you. Maybe he'll fall in love with the area. It happened to my SO!

Also just to add- just because he moves to you first doesn't mean it's the permanent move. A couple on here has decided to be "nomadic" with their relationship, a few years here and few years there. My SO moved to me for 6 months, now I've been in his country for 2.5 years, and we're in the process of moving back up to my country. So it doesn't have to be permanent. Less permanent=less scary.