My guy has insecurities -_....- or is it just me?

[rj506]

Hi . Just a quick info: I'm from New York and currently living in the Philippines because the college tuition here are cheap. I met my boyfriend through a MMORPG and kinda hit it off even though he's currently in Dubai.

The first few weeks of our relationship were great. We talked about everything and I consider him as my equal intellectually. We debate, we laugh together (I always love it when we laugh). But after we've hit the dreaded "3 month" mark he's been telling me that I've been too distant. This is my first LDR with anyone so I dont really have a clue on how to handle it. I know that I love him .. Hell, I've even stopped drinking often because asked me to stop.

We've called each other through Skype just once and whenever I've asked him to video call me... he's been telling me that he doesn't feel well or his voice is off. I want to hear his voice and actually video call with him instead of receiving pictures of himself but he's not budging my requests for a vid call or even a regular voice call on skype. And now for the past week our conversation has always been starting with him asking me "Babe, do you honestly love me?" just because I've told him that after I graduate I'll be moving to Australia. He's promised me that he's going to fly to Phil soon before I graduate, and I'm excited about the fact that he would do that for me. But we're still in the early stages of our relationship and he's been telling me how much he loves me but he can't even try to call me Video call wid me. And I'm doubting if our relationship is even real or not..

I've compensated his lack of affection by hanging out with my friends a lot and partying (most of my friends are guys but my boyfriend knows that I dont have the hots for any of them.. eww it's like imagining that ur making out with your brother) . One time I was at a party with some friends and he messaged me on Line and asked me where I was and I told him the truth and then he 'freaked' and kept messaging me " Please don't let any guy touch you " (sigh). I was upset that he doesn't trust me that I can handle myself so I turned off my phone and didn't speak to him for 4 days and on the 5th day we talked like it never happened.

Should I end our relationship? What should I do to get him to call me? I very much appreciate your response guys . I feel like I'm only in a one-sided relationship and it pains me to think that I've given a lot of emotional investment on a guy that doesn't even love me.

[differentcountries]

Some advice :
get him on Skype, or some kind of call deal. Most people need something beside text.
Dont cut contact, that is cruel and works as a threat. If there is really no point in talking, say rather : I will call you in 5 min /an hour/ tomorrow. That will give you both time to cool down without it being hurtful
There are lots of reasons why a guy needs reassuring. I have no end to the strange questions my so asks me. But it is early. He has a right to be insecure. If after a long time he still feels that way, it is time for the two of you to work on any issues of his. But this is just starting jitters.
The both of you should have lives of your own as well as time together. There are a thousand ways to keep in contact. experiment and choose 2-3 that works best
Don't plan the future all at once. Rather, plan your next visit so you can look forward to that
Ask him what he needs
Tell him what you need
Be kind and truthful

[Dezface]

From the little bit of information you've provided, the whole situation comes off as strange. He sounds controlling and being unwilling to call is odd also. If I were in your shoes, I'd tell him what you told us here. That you're thinking of ending the relationship because of these factors and why they're important. It's pretty much an ultimatum without being framed that way. Then decide how long you're willing to wait for a change. If he even agrees to a change.

[Heavenly_Love12]

I don't understand why he wouldn't want to call or skype. That sounds odd to me. I think you need to be upfront and honest with him about your feelings and wishes. Things can get miscommunicated via text and it helps so much to hear the other person and/or see them. I don't think you should have stopped talking to him for 4 days, that would drive me insane and since actual communication is HUGE in an LDR, you cut off his way of contacting you. Spending some time not in contact is ok as long as both parties know about it and why it will be occurring. You can’t resolve anything by cutting him off though.

Do you honestly feel like he does not love you or care about you or do you think that because of his actions? I know people say "actions are louder than words," but there are times where some people do not know how to put their feelings into words or actions. If he didn't care, wouldn't he just end your relationship? I think he does care since he has not.

[rj506]

I'll talk to him about it . Thank you for your advice. I know that I've been harsh for cutting him off for a few days but I was just hurt by the fact that he doesn't trust me... That actually wasn't the first time he "freaked" when I told him that I was with some friends because I've sent him pictures to prove to him where I was.

[rj506]

Hi.. so I was kinda upset and went with my friends to clear my mind. Then I got home and texted him that I got home. So he pm'd me through gchat. Here is our conversation:

02:05 pm Me: Heya
02:06 pm BF: so a bit of bad news babe
02:07 pm BF: actually very bad news
02:07 pm Me: I'm already drunk so I can handle anything :P
02:09 pm BF hahaha
02:09 pm BF: i might have to break up with u
02:10 pm BF: no comment?
02:10 pm Me: Oh? Why? Found someone new? :P
02:10 pm BF: no
02:10 pm BF: i miss meeting you
02:10 pm BF: kissing u in real
02:11 pm BF: and it hurts at times
02:11 pm BF: anyway om not breaking up with unow
02:12 pm BF: who knows i might meet u sooner
02:13 pm BF: anyway i was kidding when i said that i might break up with you
02:13 pm Me: Babe don't play with me like that, I'm tired and exasperated. I've told you many times that we have to set up a compromise on a schedule on the time and day we could chat every week but you wouldn't even think about it. I know that you're busy with your work but I'm really cramped on my studies as well. Just tell me if you can't handle it anymore. I understand.
02:13 pm BF: wat do u think?

- Unfortunately our conversation was cut off because my class started so I told him that I would talk to him later. Then an hour later I sent him an email regarding my wishes for a vid call.. I gave him kinda of an ultimatum because I'm just tired of not even hearing his laugh whenever we watch a movie together or his sighs of frustration whenever we fight.

I'll post a reply on this thread as soon as we've talked our issues through. I want to give my thanks to everyone in this thread who has given me advice on how to handle my LDR problems. And even if my relationship wouldn't last...I'm glad that I had someone to open up about this.

[jana89]

I don´t find it strange for him not feeling comfortable when you tell him you are with your male-friends. I have been over two years with my SO and he still shows bit insecurity when there are other guys around and he is not. If he isn´t at the point where he would actually forbid you to spend time with your other friends, it is all right, IMHO. On the other side, I think it is really odd that he doesn´t want to talk to you. Did he try to contact you in any way during those 4 days you turned off your phone? Because if it was me and he did not try to talk to me through a message or something, I would feel like he doesn´t care. You should probably talk to him about those things ... Good luck

[rj506]

He actually left me 8 messages during those times that I shut off my contact with him for 4 days.. 1 in the morning and another in the afternoon and it always starts wid .. "U there?" . (sigh) If he would have made those messages a bit sweeter I would have had called him earlier. For the past 3 months of our relationship we only called once and it was about 2-3 weeks after we met online and he asked me to video call with him to be sure that I was a girl. But that was understandable because I have deep voice.. kinda like Sade.

Oh and just for everyone's info he's a Pakistani that is currently working in Dubai. So we have a bit of a barrier in our relationship when it comes to religion but that didn't really stop us from falling in love in the first place. Since day ONE I've told him that I was a Christian and I have no plans to change my religion even for him and he respected that. He just thought that his parents would accept our relationship in the future if I would convert.

[Anoulie]

Oh and just for everyone's info he's a Pakistani that is currently working in Dubai. So we have a bit of a barrier in our relationship when it comes to religion but that didn't really stop us from falling in love in the first place. Since day ONE I've told him that I was a Christian and I have no plans to change my religion even for him and he respected that. He just thought that his parents would accept our relationship in the future if I would convert.

Male Muslims are allowed to date/marry Christian and Jewish women.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Interf...riage_in_Islam

[differentcountries]

He tells you in detail why he misses you, to the point that he can no longer bear it, and you react with silent treatment or by becoming formal and lenghty. It is not good of him to joke about breaking up, but you are not working with him here.

[Heavenly_Love12]

He tells you in detail why he misses you, to the point that he can no longer bear it, and you react with silent treatment or by becoming formal and lenghty. It is not good of him to joke about breaking up, but you are not working with him here.

THIS and why did his messages need to be sweeter during the time you weren't talking to him? Him calling and leaving messages, especially if you've only talked on the phone once, says that he cares and is making an effort. It sounds like is sincerly missing you to me.

[Zapookie]

You should video chat with him before you consider meeting him. If he refuses to video chat, end it. The only people who refuse to video chat, are the ones that have something to hide (in my experience).

[rj506]

Okay I admit that I also have my faults in the complications in our relationship and after reading all of your advices... I made an international call to his cellphone (which is the very first time I did ... though it cost me a lot). Then it was the second time I heard his voice. I told him how much I loved him and how sorry I was that I dont tell it to him as often as he tells it to me and how sorry I was that I'm being cold and aloof whenever we fight.

I also told him that I dont understand why we he doesn't want me to call on skype and serious things can get miscommunicated if we talk it over via text and it helps SO MUCH to hear him or even see him.

He said (and I remembered what he replied word per word), "Babe for skype im a bit shy because i know that my voice is not that good and especially when i hear the echo of my voice i really feel bad" (he was referring to the first time we talked over skype and I put him on speaker instead of using headphones). (Yes I knew that he has a thick accent whenever he speaks English but I didn't tell him that I found it very cute because I know that he won't believe me and he'll just think that I'm mocking him -_- )

I said to him, "Okay... but sooner or later we have to talk. I'm willing to wait until ur ready to call me but could we at least video whenever we chat? it just sucks not seeing you smile whenever we laugh around or seeing if either your brows furrow when u get mad or frustrated."


- I'll post a reply as soon as we've made a compromise our conversation was cut off because the weather here in my place is kinda bad and the reception he had kinda sucked because he was in his office when I called him.

I don't think he's hiding anything from me but I'm sure one of the reasons why he won't vid call is that he hasn't told his parents about our relationship.

[MadMolly]

Honestly if a guy was that insecure I'd be scared off. Sounds like the start of controlling abusive behaviour. Don't let anyone touch you?! How about - he should just trust you. Next thing you know he'll be asking you not to wear certain clothes or do your makeup or look "too pretty" in case guys hit on you...

[rj506]

Yup my bf has flaws and yes I was turned off by his insecurities but I also understand that I also have my own insecurities when it comes to him but not to the extent that I would be as jealous as what he did.

Yes he has asked me to change a few things in my life but I believe that relationships make you change for the better. An example of which is when he asked me to stop drinking whenever I'm depressed or when I asked him to hang out with his friends from time to time just to change his scenery ( My guy is kinda of a loner and a geek.. he's into that technology stuff, watching movies, and listening to music instead of going out and partying, like me. )

TRUST and JEALOUSY is always one of the big issues in our relationship (well the JEALOUSY part comes from his side)

But what I love about him is that he always does very funny things just to make me jealous (which sometimes reach to ROFL results ) ..