New LDR and gift giving

[msnew007]

I am new to long distance relationships...actually never in a million years did I think I would ever be in one. Long story short, I am in one and it's been a little over 3 months. We have agreed that we are exclusive. He lives in MI and I live in CA...he has come down to visit 3 times in those 3 months (2 times for work and 1 time on his own). My birthday is Christmas Eve, and I thought I would receive at minimum a birthday card (I was hoping for flowers)...I received nothing. Just a couple of text messages..."I wish I was with you for your birthday", "how is the birthday girl doing". Most of my close friends think this is unacceptable of him, and that I should end this relationship before I invest any more time. I'm torn and I don't know what to do. Any advice/recommendations are appreciated.

[differentcountries]

Tell him you would love to get a thoughtful gift for Valentine and would feel special if he could get you something he picked out himself. He probably does not read your mind, and 3 months is such a long time that you will have to start giving it to him straight. I have been with my bf a little over 3 months. I just felt I had to spill the beans to him about something. Scary, but it made things so much better and made him feel closer to me too. Whenever you speak the truth in a loving tone, that is a gift to your relationship.

[jana89]

Welcome to LFAD forums As for your problem, did you tell your SO it hurt you not to receive any gift? In LDR pretty much everything is really based on communication, so my advice: talk to him, tell him how you feel and find out what his reasons were and how he feels about it. You have a long way in front of you and you need to find out many things about each other. Good luck with everything

[BabyGund]

Maybe he felt it was too early in the relationship to give a gift? That's the trick with starting a relationship so close to a birthday or major holiday. You don't really want to give gifts that are too expensive or have too much meaning attached.

Again, the best thing is for you to discuss it with him. Ending the relationship is extreme -- there is so much more to a relationship than gift giving.

[piratemama]

This is a thread I recently started on Christmas gift giving: https://members.lovingfromadistance....hristmas-issue. I'm not much on the value of gifts themselves, so I didn't want anything expensive. He had just bought something for me a few months before, but I did want something romantic and special for Christmas. I didn't get so much as an ecard. It really hurt my feelings, and I don't think I'll ever get over that part of it. It's just not his way, though. He isn't into getting or giving gifts much. He's more of a fixer/doer. The problem is that you can't do much of that in an LDR.

The best advice I got from my thread was to calmly communicate my expectations and find out what his are. I'm going to be doing that for Valentine's Day for sure!

Most people don't mean to make their SO's mad or hurt, but it happens as a result of miscommunication. In a LDR, you miss the cues that come from being together day in and day out, so you must talk more. You have to be careful, though, how you put it. You don't want to come across as demanding.

[Heavenly_Love12]

First, to the forum! I think you have received some great advice. Communication is important and I would let him know that it hurt you to not receive a card or a small gift for your birthday. Maybe he didn't think it was appropriate since the relationship is new. I think breaking up is really extreme when this could easily have been a misunderstanding and can be fixed rather easily.

[JoeyBug]

Firstly, welcome to the forum, you'll find a lot of good advice here.

Secondly, I got a text for Christmas, and the same for my birthday on Monday, and he got a text for both Christmas and his birthday on Monday (we share a birthday) and I'm okay with that. So is he. I've got him some gifts that he'll get when he next visits or I go see him, but we agreed that we wouldn't do gifts unless we were going to be together. As others have said, it's about communication and talking about what you want and expect from your SO.

Talk to him, and have an honest discussion about what you'd expect in regards to gift giving. If he feels it's too soon, then decide when it would be a time where you both feel right getting the other a gift. Also, only you can know how you feel about the guy, not your friends, not any of us, if you want to end the relationship, then do so, but only because it's what you want and not because your friends have told you that it's what you need to do...

Good Luck and

[piratemama]

Firstly, welcome to the forum, you'll find a lot of good advice here.

Talk to him, and have an honest discussion about what you'd expect in regards to gift giving. If he feels it's too soon, then decide when it would be a time where you both feel right getting the other a gift. Also, only you can know how you feel about the guy, not your friends, not any of us, if you want to end the relationship, then do so, but only because it's what you want and not because your friends have told you that it's what you need to do...

I agree about not doing what your friends tell you to do. Friends don't get LDR's, and friends often get jealous of relationships. You are the only one that knows what is best for you. Don't let the gift deal do it, though. You'll see others have the same issue, and it is usually a misunderstanding.

[silvermoonfairy3]

I agree with the advice most people have said: tell him what you want/expect.

A lot of times we have this fantasy that our partner will just KNOW, and do the thing(s) we want without any hints, but it's really not usually the case. I find that my enjoyment of the thing isn't usually lessened just because I asked.

Case in point, my SO was finishing his PhD over Christmas (he turns it in TODAY!!!) and we're saving money for a visit. So between him being psychotically busy, and us both not wanting to spend money, I suggested we skip gifts and just send each other cards. My birthday is the day after Christmas, and I stressed that I didn't need a gift for that either, but I would really want a phone call.

I made it clear that I kinda saw the Christmas thing as a situational compromise for this year. I mentioned that I really like holidays and giving gifts, so because we weren't doing that, the cards were going to be really important to me, as would finding some time to duck away from our families for a 5 minute phone call.

He sent me an adorably funny Christmas card with a sweet message that made me smile, AND a birthday card with another sweet message, and we got in our phone call.

It was really nice and I felt like he was making that effort, when if I hadn't said anything it's completely possible that Christmas would have just sneaked up on him (he's lost track of time several times with the phd focus) and not done anything/maybe sent me a quick email, and I probably would have been annoyed or felt unimportant.

Communication is definitely key.

[nicole]

I think your friend's suggestions of breaking up are totally wrong. Not receiving a gift for one birthday early on in your relationship is no reason to break up.

Like others have said, you need to have a talk about your expectations in your relationship. I know I sometimes hope my SO will do something for me or get something of his own accord, but that is just not his way. I've learned I need to ask for what I want or I'm just going to have to carry on hoping Its very early on in your relationship and he might have thought you weren't at the present-giving stage yet. Or he might have grown up in a family that just isn't big on giving gifts or cards.

All of these are just stabs in the dark though- you need to have a talk about it, in a non-accusatory manner. "It would make me feel great if you sent something for special occasions" "Even a card would make my day" etc Then once you both know when the other expects, hopefully you won't get disappointed next time!