Considering Moving Away from my Boyfriend - Need Advice

[M&M]

This is my first time here, and I really need advice!

I recently got an offer for a job that would pay better than what I'm making now and would represent a step up in my career. It's also 8 hours away from the area where my boyfriend and I now live. My boyfriend says he is willing to move down there with me, but not until he has a job in place - and not just any job, but a job in his field. He works in a highly technical, professional field and is not willing to take on a low-wage unskilled job - and I don't blame him, I wouldn't want that for him either. He also cannot afford to spend any amount of time unemployed because he has college loans and medical bills to make payments on, and he has no savings.

Obviously this job that I am contemplating wants me to start soon. My boyfriend looked at jobs in this new area and saw that there weren't many in his field. So if I took this job, I would be moving down there without him at first, waiting and being apart from him for an undetermined amount of time until he was able to get a job. He says he will contact a recruiter, who will take some of the legwork and guesswork out of looking for jobs he is qualified for in an unfamiliar area, but we still have no idea how long this would take.

I don't want to give up a good offer for career advancement for a relationship, because I feel like that would be a betrayal to myself. But, I also don't want to my career to ruin my personal life - I've had a bad experience with this perviously. When I took the job I have now (the job I am considering leaving) I moved 4 hours away from my then-boyfriend. We tried to make it work but it didn't, for a variety of reasons (he didn't have a car and I wasn't willing to leave my new community every single weekend; he had lived in his city his entire life and had family obligations and friends and connections he didn't want to leave). After we broke up I was lonely and miserable - suicidal at times - and it took me almost two years to get back to dating. I was very upset that I had to give up my love (and sex) life to pursue work. I'm not sure how I would handle it if that happens again.

So, I'm not sure what to do and would really like your opinions! Just two last complicating factors: my boyfriend's car isn't very reliable and he can't afford a new one; and the airports at both ends (where we live now, and where I would be moving too) are also highly unreliable.

[differentcountries]

I have no idea where you live, but would it be possable to visit by bus, train or boat? If you visited him every other weekend or so you could use the rest of the time to establish a social life where you would live.

[Kitten_mittens]

I agree with differentcountries. I would try to figure out how you would visit each other first. I've heard of couples taking turns driving to each other every weekend. Seeing as he's willing to move to where you are it doesn't seem like such a bad idea. maybe he could widen his search to nearby cities as well.

[M&M]

I have no idea where you live, but would it be possable to visit by bus, train or boat? If you visited him every other weekend or so you could use the rest of the time to establish a social life where you would live.

I just looked at both bus and train would take 16 hours We are in the U.S., so the public transportation is terrible.

[lyonsgirl]

At some point in everyone's life, something has to give.

I can't tell you which one to sacrifice on, but, I can tell you my experience. My SO & I started dating before we graduated from college. We both knew I had a higher chance of graduating with a job offer (which I did). I accepted and moved to Georgia - he stayed behind in Indiana. After a few months he moved to Georgia and started his job hunt there. 8 months later, I was asked if I would move to Texas with my company. It was a hard decision for us to make, I don't deny that. But for me, I was 8 months into my career. I accepted it - because I knew it would give me experience and skills I wouldn't have gotten had I stayed in Georgia. It wasn't viewed as a vertical change in my career, but a horizontal one. However, in my over 2 years now that I have been on "this side" of the company, I've gotten to see more about how things work around here and have been given more responsibilities than if I had stayed in the office. (I work in construction, I made the move from office side to in the field, working full-time on project sites.)

Do I regret making the move to Texas back in 2012? No. Do I wish that we could have been together? Absolutely. But, less than 2 years (and 3 moves) after making that decision, we are CD again.

One of the things I did while I was making this decision was to make a pros/cons list. I asked my boss a lot of questions. I talked to my SO (I'm pretty sure he got tired of hearing about it after a while, haha) and my family about the decision. In the end, my career won out.

[piratemama]

At some point in everyone's life, something has to give.

I can't tell you which one to sacrifice on, but, I can tell you my experience. My SO & I started dating before we graduated from college. We both knew I had a higher chance of graduating with a job offer (which I did). I accepted and moved to Georgia - he stayed behind in Indiana. After a few months he moved to Georgia and started his job hunt there. 8 months later, I was asked if I would move to Texas with my company. It was a hard decision for us to make, I don't deny that. But for me, I was 8 months into my career. I accepted it - because I knew it would give me experience and skills I wouldn't have gotten had I stayed in Georgia. It wasn't viewed as a vertical change in my career, but a horizontal one. However, in my over 2 years now that I have been on "this side" of the company, I've gotten to see more about how things work around here and have been given more responsibilities than if I had stayed in the office. (I work in construction, I made the move from office side to in the field, working full-time on project sites.)

Do I regret making the move to Texas back in 2012? No. Do I wish that we could have been together? Absolutely. But, less than 2 years (and 3 moves) after making that decision, we are CD again.

One of the things I did while I was making this decision was to make a pros/cons list. I asked my boss a lot of questions. I talked to my SO (I'm pretty sure he got tired of hearing about it after a while, haha) and my family about the decision. In the end, my career won out.

This. She makes good points, esp. with the pros and cons. One thing to remember is that the LD wouldn't be forever. You would be striving to get back together CD asap. If he is willing to move when he gets a job, it sounds doable. Good luck.

[M&M]

Some updates:

- We spent some time looking for jobs in the general area (so not just the city, but the area around where I would be moving) and there is not a lot. He says "It could be a really long time before I can move there".

- Based on the shape his car is in, either I would have to drive to him every time we saw each other or he would have to fly. Flying is seriously not a great option, based on my experiences flying to this job interview: I got in to the city 5 hours later than I was supposed to, and got home 4 hours later than I was supposed to, all because the airport near us and the airport in this new city are small, regional airports that have a lot of trouble getting their flights in and out on time.

- I'm not even sure when we would see each other. Right now he has a seasonal 2nd job on Saturdays and Sundays, which continues until early April. He says he can't go down and look at apartments with me because he can't get a weekend off. He doesn't know if he can help me move unless we do it over my birthday weekend in February, since he has already asked for that off. Beyond that, I have no idea how we would carve out time to see each other until his 2nd job ends in April.

- I told my current job that I had an offer from somewhere else and asked them to match the new salary I would be getting for me to stay. They said no - they didn't even provide a counteroffer. I feel like now it would be really hard for me to say "OK, well never mind, you didn't give me the salary I wanted but I'll still stay here and work"

[differentcountries]

It sounds like the best career move us for you to take the job, and then drive to see your bf on some weekend
Even if he is working he might still enjoy you coming. Who knows where the two of you could be moving later on.

[Dezface]

April is not such a long time until you can see each other. I wouldn't let that factor in to the decision. Sounds to me like you know you want to go, you're just having doubts. Yes, there's always a chance your relationship won't survive being long distance. But there's a chance it won't closed distance either, and if that happened, would you regret not taking the job?

I'm all for doing whatever feels right for you in these situations. A lot of people think you should always put school/career first. I don't believe that way. But in your situation, it seems pretty obvious that's what you want, so that's what you should do.

[OperaDiva]

It sounds to me like your SO would support you if you decided to move, and he is willing to relocate as well. It is not going to be easy, but you have very specific goals - him moving to be with you, finding a specific job that he has experience in - and those are very clear advantages. Consider also that it would be easier for him to move because you would have gone through the process first.

I moved away to start a career and my SO supported me even before I got the job, throughout the application process. He made it clear he wanted to move to be with me. We knew it was going to be hard, and it turned out harder than I thought, at least at first. We are 3 months into LDR now and things are getting a little more evened out. We plan visits, we skype every night, etc. He still has a few months to go before he can come, but we are working on it. I went with my gut and I think I made the right move!

[mellif]

You seem worried that work will stomp out your love life, but I think it's significant that your SO wants to move with you, vs your ex whom didn't. That's a pretty good sign! Even if the exact plan for him to move is unsure right now, if he's determined and hardworking enough, it'll happen. Maybe talk to him more about whether he has any doubts about moving with you, if you really feel worried.

[Heavenly_Love12]

Well dear, I'm active duty Air Force and my SO is a civilian. He's back in our hometown and is planning to move in a year or so when I'm due to change bases. If I reenlist next year, then he would be moving with me every few years. Does it worry me? Yes and no. I know my SO can continue his education and get another job or transfer but there are chances it could be difficult depending on the location. I was also worried about my career making it difficult for me to have a romantic life but you have to do what you have to do.

To me, it seems like you want to take the job but are afraid. Do you believe your SO is THE ONE for you? The reason I ask is because if you believe he is, then you will do whatever needs to be done to stay connected and together! I am sure many in this forum can discuss how they or their SO moved for a better job, schooling, career, etc. and that caused them to go LD. It can work! Yes, you both will have to make an effort and some sacrifices but isn't love worth it? I do not feel that you should sacrifice a higher paying job in your career because you're worried about leaving your boyfriend. If you were in the same situation but instead of a job, received a full scholarship to a great school and were debating taking it because it's out of state versus attending a school that's only 30 minutes away but you would have to pay, which would you take? You have to consider your future and do what is best for you.