Am I too sensitive?

[electronicjournal]

I've been with my LDR boyfriend for 16 months now. We've had our share of ups and downs just like any other couple. I'm seeking advice on a few different things and I welcome any opinions that you may have. All I ask is that you're respectful if you decide to reply to me. Also, sorry if this blog is too lengthy.

We're both jealous but I'd say that he's more jealous than I am. I have one good friend that I can actually hang out with without it feeling forced. It happens to be a male that is closer to my age than my current significant other. I'm shy and introverted and would rather hang out at a coffee shop and listen to good music rather than go out and party. I do better hanging out with people when it's one on one or if I know all the people I'm around. How should I go about balancing my best guy friend and my significant other? He gets mad every time I hang out with him but then says he hates when I'm sad and lonely and encourages me to hang out with people.

My boyfriend hates to acknowledge that he's with me and I take it as a slap in the face. For instance, he doesn't want to be in a Facebook relationship because he is scared that people will judge me. I told him that none of his friends can see any of my information but the questions he came up with when we were talking about it made me feel like I was incredibly inferior and they hurt me. I told him that all of the people that are important in my life know about him so why can't it be the same way on his end? Am I being too sensitive about this? Also, we took a trip together last month and he met a girl he had class with there (her boyfriend came too) and there were a few things I noticed about him that didn't come off as normal to me. I'm not legal to drink yet and they wanted to meet at a sports bar that was for 21+. We didn't know it was that way until we got there but when we found out, we obviously had to change the plans because of me. I told him that I'd find something to do but he said he'd fix it. He acted mad at me for it and wasn't really talking to me; just sitting next to me. He texted her to let her know the news but he didn't mention I was his girlfriend, he just said "friend" and to be honest it sorta pissed me off because we've been together for awhile. When I mentioned it later he said that he hadn't even mentioned he did it but I don't believe him at all. He also hardly talked to me the entire time we were at dinner with them. Am I in the wrong here? Should I of mentioned it? What would you do if you were me?

[conejita_hada]

Response to 2nd concern: You aren't too sensitive for this - if my boyfriend did that with me, I'd bring it up and state that I needed to be a part of his life. To me, if a guy isn't willing to show that you are his girlfriend, especially when you're present, it's a bad sign and I would leave. Being made to feel inferior or like you need to be hidden isn't right or normal. I would talk to him again and if he continued coming up with excuses or getting angry about my concerns, I'd end it. You're supposed to be an important part of his life, not a secret to keep hidden.

As far as him getting mad and jealous about hanging out with your best guy friend, I guess I get him feeling uneasy about it if you've had a romantic history with your guy friend but if you and your guy friend are completely platonic, your boyfriend should trust you enough to not get angry and to understand your need to hang out with friends. My boyfriend and I both have friends of the opposite gender that we talk to on a regular basis. It took a while to explain to him that I'm not going to be jealous of his asking his female friend about science homework or hanging out. Trust is a huge factor in a relationship. Getting angry at someone for a platonic hangout with a guy friend shouldn't simply be accepted.

[mellif]

It would seriously piss me off if my SO didn't acknowledge me as a girlfriend, especially in front of peers! There's no shame in a long-distance relationship-- people might think so, but that's part of the struggle for everyone in an LDR. I think its important to bring this issue up with him.

I'm also a jealous person, and my SO is a naturally flirty guy. Whenever my SO has a lively conversation with a girl, I admit I get a little protective. However, I do think it's a bit unnessesary for your SO to hate on your guy friend. If my SO had a close friend whom was a girl, who supported fully him in a platonic way, of course I'd feel uncomfortable at first, but I'd respect the value of their friendship. I know how much true friendship can positively affect someone, and I wouldn't want to cut that away from him, boy or girl. It's only if she started flirting with him is when I'd be concerned, hehe. But anyhow, definitely talk to him about that too.

I don't like these signs because the kind of actions he's taking are a bit selfish, and not considerate towards you. You shouldn't have to put up with that.

[TwoThree]

I don't think you are being too sensitive. I'd be pretty damn hurt myself, in your position :/ I think you really need to have a frank conversation with him about what's bothering you and how you want to be treated.

As for the jealousy thing, let him be jealous and made all he likes. If he has trust and insecurity issues, he'll have to deal with them. You don't have to accommodate him by jeopardizing your social life. Stand your ground.

Good luck.

[OperaDiva]

I think your SO is controlling and emotionally unavailable AND he is not committed to your relationship. You can do better for yourself.

[Zephii]

There are a lot of red flags here. My best advice is to listen to your intuition - you can feel something isn't right, and that's why you're posting in the first place.

I too have a male best friend and that made my SO uncomfortable at first, but he soon figured out there was nothing between us. Now all three of us are mates (though I usually hang out with my friend alone). So I feel you on how awkward it can be, but at the same time, no one has the right to try and choose your friends. And it's a common manipulation tactic to make someone feel guilty for spending time with someone else, so don't be giving into that. He can say he's sad you're not having a social life all he likes, but his actions and treatment of you need to align with that or the words are just empty.

On the second thing, I too have been in a relationship where my SO would not admit we were together. We had a significant age difference, and truth be told it looked bad for both of us, but mostly him. He would call me a student, a flatmate, a friend or even his daughter before he'd admit we were involved. Crack down on that dishonest shit. If he's not man enough to be proud of your relationship and face the consequences, then he's not man enough for you

Anyway, welcome to the forums

[jana89]

Response to 2nd concern: You aren't too sensitive for this - if my boyfriend did that with me, I'd bring it up and state that I needed to be a part of his life. To me, if a guy isn't willing to show that you are his girlfriend, especially when you're present, it's a bad sign and I would leave. Being made to feel inferior or like you need to be hidden isn't right or normal. I would talk to him again and if he continued coming up with excuses or getting angry about my concerns, I'd end it. You're supposed to be an important part of his life, not a secret to keep hidden.

As far as him getting mad and jealous about hanging out with your best guy friend, I guess I get him feeling uneasy about it if you've had a romantic history with your guy friend but if you and your guy friend are completely platonic, your boyfriend should trust you enough to not get angry and to understand your need to hang out with friends. My boyfriend and I both have friends of the opposite gender that we talk to on a regular basis. It took a while to explain to him that I'm not going to be jealous of his asking his female friend about science homework or hanging out. Trust is a huge factor in a relationship. Getting angry at someone for a platonic hangout with a guy friend shouldn't simply be accepted.

Second this!! My SO has little jealousy issue as well. One of my best friends is also male, and although it may make my SO uncomfortable to know I´m hanging out with him, he knows me good enough to trust me and not being overprotective or too scared of me getting involved with this other guy. If bf doesn´t have the trust in you, you should reconsider the relationship. Good luck with everything and welcome to forums

[differentcountries]

You should both be able to be proud of your relationship. It may be strange to talk to people about it, but if you are proud of it you will want to do it, even if you take some time to tell everyone or get comfortable with PDA or changing stuff on Facebook.

My SO 's best friend is a girl. He has a lot of other friends that are girls too. He even have girls hitting on him. If I feel insecure, it may bother me. But it is nothing I can do but trust him and get to know the people he knows. Your bf may do that, too, and bond over the fact that they both know and love you so much.

[Ahava]

Why would his friends judge you if they saw your FB posts?

And I agree with all the above posters.

[electronicjournal]

Hello everyone. Thank you so much for your advice and for reading my post. I have several things I'm worried about and I thought it would help me to get opinions from people who don't know me or are biased to me. Would you prefer my responses to what you've said to me all in one post or for them to be separated? I tend to write a lot and I didn't want to overwhelm anyone.

[conejita_hada]

You can format however you would like (as long as it's not a huge block of text!).