How to tell my parents?

[acfellin]

I've been in a LDR for five months now and we met online. I'm 18 and he is 20 and we're both completely serious about our relationship together. The thing is we want to meet this summer and we've been planning some things and I want to meet him more than anything but I know for that to happen I'd need to talk to my parents because I would be visiting him because it's cheaper that way (I'm from the US and he's from India).

My parents though are crazy over protective(My dad more so than my mom). Like my dad refuses to let me ever have a Facebook but my mom says once I'm in college I can as long as I'm safe about it. I know the instant they hear we met online they will just assume he is some 50 year old pedo who is going to rape/kidnap/kill me and thats completely not the case. I don't know how to tell them without them freaking out and taking away anyway for me to continue talking to him. He's completely willing to Skype and meet them and have our parents meet and we'd be completely open about everything, its just I don't know how to get them to stay calm enough to give him a chance.

Does anyone else that's gone through this have any advice for me?

[sarahjane1992]

First of all, welcome to LFAD!

Now to your question. I also met my SO online. My parents knew I'd signed up on a dating site. My mom encouraged me to do it. And I'd been out on a few dates. When I first mentioned meeting someone from Texas (my SO) my parents were not sure. Then as we started talking more and wanted to meet, at first my parents ruled it out completely. I was really upset but I knew they were just protecting me. But after lots of talking, my SO talking to my parents, my parents talking with his parents etc, we finally got to meet!

You're in a tricky situation. I'd approach it very gently. I wouldn't tell them about him and wanting to visit at the same time. But you need to be honest. Keeping it from them any longer isn't going to make telling them any easier. Having him skype with your parents is a great idea. Seeing and talking to him should reassure them.

After my parents got used to it, they were totally fine. They could see how happy he made me. They knew he was special. He came and met my family this summer and they fell in love with him just like I did. <3

Just be patient with your parents. Give them time. You know they aren't going to like it but in the end, they want you to be happy. I hope that was some help. Good luck and keep us posted!

[teachernicole]

My parents said if you want to be treated like an adult, you've got to act like an adult. Basically, they'd let me meet with my then-boyfriend (now my husband) if I was mature, respectful, and basically did everything their way hahaha. You've got to think about it from their perspective. They're really only trying to protect you and make sure nothing bad happens to you. I didn't realize that for a long time. My immediate reaction was to get mad at them. Your parents will probably say bad things about your boyfriend, but you've got to accept it. You have to show them that you can handle everything and be mature about it. As for telling them, I would just sit them down and tell them how you feel. Show them a plan that you have to go see him. Have them Skype him. I was friends with my husband for over a year before we entered our relationship and my mom knew him the entire time. It's a process but the patience and cooperation pays off, I promise you.

The first two times I went to Brazil to see my husband, my brother went with me. It was a compromise with my parents. The third time, they let me go by myself. I had to show them I was serious and being an adult about it. I worked really hard to pay for my entire trip and to get my visa done. So hard that they ended up paying for my visa and my spending money because they were so happy about the maturity I showed (they didn't always praise my maturity).

When my brother went with me, he ended up entering an LDR with my husband's sister. They hit it off and really liked each other. Her parents did not. She never officially told them. She went against their wishes. She did things they asked her not to do. She did that because she thought they were being too strict and that she didn't have to listen to them. She did the same things I did when I first started dating my husband I'm telling you this to learn from these mistakes. If they say something you don't like or don't want to follow, ask yourself, "Why are they doing this?" Instead of getting mad or frustrated immediately.

Show them you're mature. Responsible. Motivated. Show them that your boyfriend feels the same. Maybe they'll require that he comes to the USA first. If they do, I suggest that you follow their wishes. My parents did that and my husband agreed. It was a lot more trouble for him to come here first, but it showed my parents that we were willing to cooperate.

I hope this helps you and feel free to PM me if you have any questions

[folclor]

Hey there. I'm gonna try and be a little more helpful...

I was in your position about 5 years ago. (different countries for our SOs, though.) I met my boyfriend on Gaia Online about 6 years ago (give or take) but we didn't start a romance until the year after. My parents were very over-protective of me as well. They'd even gone so far as to tell me if they found out I was talking to people I didn't know online they'd cut off wifi. However, really they don't want to make you scared to tell them stuff, they want you to be safe.

It took me several months to come out to my Mom that I had a guy I liked that I met online. Her immediate concern was the one you listed ("Is he some 50 year old pervert?"). I assured her he was not and she hesitantly believed me but told me I had to tell my dad. I did and he wasn't too happy about it. They threatened to take out the router so I arranged a skype call where they could see and talk to him (at this point I was 19 and he was 20). They both saw and spoke to him and afterwards stopped saying he was probably a 50 year old man, but they still weren't comfortable with the whole thing. My mom would say things like, "You can't tell him where we live because he'll probably just show up one day and then what'll we do?" and, "it's not like he's your real boyfriend. You should stop talking to him and met a nice local guy."

It took them a while to be okay with me talking to him and I earned my own money in order to go visit. While there my mom had me call her every single day so she could be sure I was still alive/okay.

I'm saying all that so you know... it's not gonna be easy. The best way to tell them, though, is just to come out and say it. However, be prepared for them to be uncomfortable and angry about it. Suggest that you can all do a skype call (or whatever messenger y'all use) so they can see him and understand that he's not some old perv.

I can't tell from your post whether you're still in high school or not... if you are I'd recommend waiting until after you graduate to let them know, just because a lot of parents take offense to the whole, "I'm an adult now that I'm 18" stuff that some teenagers pull. If you're out of high school and you still live with them you might also want to take the opportunity to sit down and tell them that you love them and the reason you're telling them this is you want them to be part of your life. Let them know they're appreciated, but that it's time for you to make your own decisions. Show them the steps you're taking to be cautious.

I hope that helps ^^; good luck!

[differentcountries]

You are an adult. It is only their business who you date and how if you choose to inform them. I cringe at the idea of my parents getting involved in my dating life. I was even at 15. I was not mature, but it was my life and my mistakes and triumphs to make.

[teachernicole]

You are an adult. It is only their business who you date and how if you choose to inform them. I cringe at the idea of my parents getting involved in my dating life. I was even at 15. I was not mature, but it was my life and my mistakes and triumphs to make.

Well, if she lives at home, she has an obligation to tell them, especially if she's still in high school. It would be different if she didn't live with them and completely supported herself. It's easy to say "I'm 18 I'm an adult" without anything to back it up and it generally sounds silly to parents, because it is silly. Going to the other side of the world to see a guy is a lot different than having a boyfriend in high school. I think she's right with worrying what they think because it does matter, it matters a whole lot.

[talim]

I think everything had been said.
I would start slowly, telling them you met some friend from India online and it's really interesting to hear about his culture or something, then after some time tell him that this friend like you and you like him and finally, when they accept you are together, that you would love to visit him. And him skyping with your parents would be a great idea.

And I wanted to say, teachernicol, the story about your brother started dating your husband's sister is really sweet! How did it worked out for them?

[teachernicole]

I think everything had been said.
I would start slowly, telling them you met some friend from India online and it's really interesting to hear about his culture or something, then after some time tell him that this friend like you and you like him and finally, when they accept you are together, that you would love to visit him. And him skyping with your parents would be a great idea.

And I wanted to say, teachernicol, the story about your brother started dating your husband's sister is really sweet! How did it worked out for them?

It was very sweet but my brother is a typical idiot and lost the perfect girl because he can't communicate! They broke up a few months ago after 6 months. I could smack him sometimes.

Moral of the story: Communicate with your parents AND your SO.

[piratemama]

First of all, welcome to LFAD!

You're in a tricky situation. I'd approach it very gently. I wouldn't tell them about him and wanting to visit at the same time. But you need to be honest. Keeping it from them any longer isn't going to make telling them any easier. Having him skype with your parents is a great idea. Seeing and talking to him should reassure them.


Just be patient with your parents. Give them time. You know they aren't going to like it but in the end, they want you to be happy. I hope that was some help. Good luck and keep us posted!

I like this advice. I agree that you should approach it slowly. Start by telling them about the relationship. Start working him into the conversation. Add little bits of info here and there, then, later tell them about wanting to meet him. He sounds like a great guy, if he is willing to Skype with your parents.

I'm 47, and my mother still wants to get into my business. She has had a hard time with my LDR, too, but she is trying. I've been very careful, though, and I started very slowly with her, too. Yes, I could simply tell her to mind her own business, but I understand - she is still my mother, no matter my age.

I'm sure it will work out fine with your SO, but it will take time. Good luck.

[folclor]

You are an adult. It is only their business who you date and how if you choose to inform them. I cringe at the idea of my parents getting involved in my dating life. I was even at 15. I was not mature, but it was my life and my mistakes and triumphs to make.

Well... they also have the ability to take away her forms of communication with them as long as she lives under their roof. As I said in my post, when I was 18/19 and first starting to be with my SO my parents had told me they'd take away wifi if they found out I was talking to someone online I didn't know in real life.

I agree that she is becoming an adult and should be given more trust and freedom than she has... but as her parents they are, really, the only people who have a right, other than her, to have an idea of her dating life right now. ESPECIALLY if she lives with them.

[sarahjane1992]

I like this advice. I agree that you should approach it slowly. Start by telling them about the relationship. Start working him into the conversation. Add little bits of info here and there, then, later tell them about wanting to meet him. He sounds like a great guy, if he is willing to Skype with your parents.

I'm 47, and my mother still wants to get into my business. She has had a hard time with my LDR, too, but she is trying. I've been very careful, though, and I started very slowly with her, too. Yes, I could simply tell her to mind her own business, but I understand - she is still my mother, no matter my age.

I'm sure it will work out fine with your SO, but it will take time. Good luck.

Yes parents will always want to know. No matter how old we are. And it's just because they love us and want to protect us.
I started out slowly. I didn't announce it all at once. We took baby steps. And my parents warmed up to the idea. If my parents had just put me on a plane to fly halfway across the country with no thought, they'd be pretty bad parents.
I also agree with teachernicole. Just because you're 18 doesn't mean you can do whatever you want. I tried that. Didn't work out for me lol
In the end, all the steps we took paid off because both families are very supportive of our relationship. Which makes us all happy. I'm excited for our parents to meet too.

[CutieTii]

When I was 16 I felt it was still a new relationship for us so we decided to wait then when I was 18 I was very scared about how to tell my father about me and my SO becoming serious, So I wrote a note basically saying I am getting serious with SO now I want him to come live with me for a few years then we get a place together and I put it on his door, The next day I was very very nervous as I noticed he had my note and he just said why are you so scared about? and I just explained as an adult about our relationship and I got my dad to meet him on skype then after my dad normally said hi to my SO everytime we talked, and when he went off to bed he said goodnight to both of us and we talked about travel plans and when my SO will arrive and I told him about my SO and his family, My dad didn't seem to mind at all because I was being mature ^^

All I'm going to say is take it slowly, baby steps, act like an adult and please be careful but I'm 100% sure you will be safe just tell them it will make things easier and they will be alot happier. ^^

[Alle1770]

I'd agree with telling them "step-by-step", that might be easier for them to accept than just going straight to the point. I'm not sure it would work on your parents though, you have to make that decision yourself since you know them a lot better than I do. That's how I told my parents though, I told them I had met a guy online through another friend, that he was from Argentina and that it was really fun getting to know about another culture and practice my Spanish a bit!

Then he came to Sweden to visit, I met up with him together with my friends (after agreeing with my parents that it was okay for me to meet my "friend" as long as my friends were there too), and when I came home my mum instantly started asking how he was, what we'd done, what he was like and so on, and I told her "well, you know, he's sort of more than a friend by now" and she went something along the lines of "I've known that all along" But then again, like I said, it all depends on your parents.

Good luck!

[acfellin]

Thank you to everyone who has replied! All of your advice is greatly appreciated!

I am still in high school and live with my parents, which is one of the main reasons I'm so scared to tell them. Would it be bad to just start with telling my mom? And after having her meet him and talk to him and hopefully realize he is who he says he is, telling my dad? I feel like my mom will be more okay with this than my dad will be and if I have her already knowing him and meeting him that she might be able to convince my dad not to freak out.

I'm especially worried to tell them because we met on Omegle, which I know has a ton of creeps on there and so I was extra cautious when I started talking to him. I know they will ask how we met online and even if my parents don't know what the site is I'll have to show and explain it to them and then chaos will break loose. This is the first time I have ever done something like this that goes against their rules so much, but it was just a summer rebellion thing and he is the only guy I met on there that I talk to.

Also, what do I do if they take away all my forms of communication with him? I can't just not talk to him, he is such a major person in my life and has done soo much for me. I struggle with depressing, self destructive thoughts(nothing over the top serious like I'm suicidal though) and he was the one who got me to stop self harming and to tell my parents and to get professional help. I don't want to lose him from my life because even if people think its just us being naive we are in love, and I don't want to live without him.

I want to include my parents in our relationship because it would be so much easier for us and take stress of my relationship with my parents(even if not right away), but losing him is the last thing I want to happen and it's such a big possibility if I tell them.