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**mellif** · January 19, 2014, 05:32 PM

I wouldn't concern yourself with marriage yet-- Sure, I like fantasizing what it'd be like to live with my SO and be official, but don't make that, necessarily, the "goal" of the relationship. Why not just enjoy yourself and the relationship for what it is? Thinking intensely about marriage can put unnessary pressure on the both of you.

Another thing I'm wonder is why are the extra actions so important? It sounds to me like you're getting bored of each other, and maybe physical surprises will help, but not exactly a solution. I think the focus should be on activities to do together rather than one person doing the work to impress the other (i.e. watching movies, playing games. something my SO and I have done is sending pictures of clothes while we're out shopping and ask for the other person's opinion). Yea, surprises are sweet and fun and all, but if you're getting bored from conversations, I think the problem might be a litte bigger. If you really want to be married and spend many years with this guy, his company should be more enjoyable than anything else.

tl;dr, Doing activities together and flirting might help put less pressure on having to surprise each other to stay entertained.

**lilcupcake** · January 19, 2014, 06:05 PM

I agree with Mellif. try this, both of you work together in scheduling and planning a movie night. make it a romantic comedy. "You, me and Dupree" is a great one if you or your guy aren't really into romance movies, it's there but the whole movie isn't kissy kissy. :]

If you don't have the capability to do an easy movie night (i don't, thats why i bring it up) me and my SO do "modeling sessions" XD whenever we get new clothes, we put together as many outfits as possible with them and take pictures to send to each other. My guy isn't great with talking either, and the lack of communication is probably the biggest bump in our road too, so i get it :] just trying something new together is really fun. watching the same TV show (not necessarily together) can help a lot with connections and bringing up more conversations.

**snow** · January 19, 2014, 06:23 PM

I get you! I feel the same way sometimes. My man doesn't like to surprise me or do cutesy things for me. It's just not who he is and even though I wish sometimes he would surprise me with something sweet and cute, it is just not his type of deal. And I know if I told him that I want to be surprised it would make things just awkward and tense, because now he would HAVE to come up with things that he wouldn't naturally.

But: My man is very good with words and he knows how to say things to make me melt. He doesn't do this every day, he doesn't even do it a lot, but it is how he shows me that he loves me. His way is different than mine and I am learning to accept this and this is probably what you have to do too.

A surprise is only successfull if you don't expect it. Now, when you tell him he needs to surprise you, he needs to do more cute things and all that jazz he is always going to be under pressure, not only because he is unromantic, but also because now it has to be as great as you expect it.

My advice would be to stop expecting surprises and all those cute things he could do - this will only lead down the road to disappointment. Try to see if there is other ways that he tries to show you that he loves you and if all fails: tell him what you need. Tell him: I'd like it if you picked me up from work, that would make me very happy! or I'd like it if you did this or that. His way of being romantic might just need a little help to match your way!

**differentcountries** · January 19, 2014, 06:51 PM

Originally posted by kimmidyann View Post

Ever since I got back together with my boyfriend I have been hearing wedding bells and seeing rings. I know that the only way I was going to get back together with him was if I really saw marriage at the end and now I'm driving myself crazy with it. I told my SO that I really needed something to get that romance going again (whether it was a vacation, a night out, him sending me something cute, surprising me at work since he's relatively close, etc) but he hasn't really done anything yet. I feel like I'm doing so much research in to cute ideas, I'm always thinking of something that he could do, and meanwhile he hasn't done anything at all. I'm losing the spark, I'm losing hope, and I'm still going crazy over a wedding that won't happen for another five years. I don't want to bring it up again because he's already self conscious about how un-romantic he is (he's just not the best at coming up with ideas) but I really want to be surprised by something. When we were together before it was always me coming up with ideas or ways to surprise and spoil him. Now we're back together and it's getting dangerously close to being the same.

How do I tell him what I need from him without appearing naggy or flat out saying, "Try to find a way to surprise me with this." XD I know this sounds ridiculously selfish but I need that reassurance that it's going to be different from last time. Any ideas?

Ever since I got together with my bf I have been having marriage dreams too. It doesn't help that he has them, too... It is too soon. But it is nice to have stuff happening. I wonder ; do you want action /time together, or do you need for him to plan it?

**kimmidyann** · January 19, 2014, 06:56 PM

I love spending time with him and I could never get bored of him (we talk for hours on the phone every day) but the problem is, I'm always planning everything. If I want a date day, I plan it. If I want to see him, I plan it. I know he loves me and cares and WANTS to do these things, he just doesn't know how to go through with anything. So at that point I'm resorting to begging for at least a letter but he doesn't really even do that. I just want to feel like he wants to do things with me too, enough so that he plans something for us and it doesn't just rest on my plans/expectations/anything. I don't care what we do, I just don't want to be the one to plan it all out.

**differentcountries** · January 19, 2014, 07:26 PM

Have you asked for him to contribute more to the planning? I find it useful to think of these things in light of the love languages.

**BagOfPenguins** · January 19, 2014, 11:01 PM

I think someone said it before, but I want to stress how important this is: People express their love in VERY different ways. And if the cutesy, romantic surprises stuff isn't his thing, there is absolutely nothing you can do. And the more you try to force it, the more awful he will feel about it, which will not make it happen easier, but a lot harder. ANd when he does something, it's kind of likely that you still won't be satisfied, because the things you imagined were a lot more spectacular, because you are a lot better at doing things like that.

**mellif** · January 20, 2014, 11:22 AM

I do apologize for misinterpreting your post-- never mind what I originally said then.

Hmm; I'm not sure what would be the "fix" for this, but people often say "don't expect more out of them than they give". Maybe that kind of thing just isn't something he's capable of doing often. Maybe consider what action to take if this is just part of the way he is, and it's difficult for him to change that. I also suggest differentcountries' post, though. Hope you and your SO find a happy solution

**BabyGund** · January 20, 2014, 11:49 AM

It's not a surprise if you're telling him what to do. And guess what? Men don't like to be told what to do.

All he hears from you is that you are not happy and it's his fault and he is not romantic enough and blah blah blah. Men usually shut down when they hear that.

Also, he could very well be working on something romantic to surprise you -- be patient!

**Ahava** · January 20, 2014, 12:23 PM

Hmmmmm....I'm confused. First you wrote this blog post and then the one about the private blog where he posts stuff on just for you with pictures etc. Isn't that cute and romantic etc? It sounds like you have been watching too many Hollywood movies :P

**kimmidyann** · January 20, 2014, 03:10 PM

HAHA actually the blog post came after this one... He's been gone all weekend and I wasn't allowed to talk to him and I had been watching too much reality TV so of course my brain just went into overdrive. When we were previously together for two years there really was no romance, no surprise, no effort. I was the one to make plans, drive to him, and surprise him. But last night he surprised me with a private blog and a "No I refuse to tell you what we're doing" date weekend.

Thank you all for your kind words. It was probably just me having a hard day being away. <3

**differentcountries** · January 20, 2014, 04:07 PM

Well telling him your wishes is not exactly telling him what to do. It is more a matter of letting him get to know you. Then he by himself can decide what he wants to do about it. If he prefers that you ask for exactly what you want, that is one way. If you want surprises there can be more of a general info on the topic of you. What may work is if you discover something he already does and tell him how much you like that.

**Ahava** · January 21, 2014, 09:03 AM

Originally posted by kimmidyann View Post

HAHA actually the blog post came after this one... He's been gone all weekend and I wasn't allowed to talk to him and I had been watching too much reality TV so of course my brain just went into overdrive. When we were previously together for two years there really was no romance, no surprise, no effort. I was the one to make plans, drive to him, and surprise him. But last night he surprised me with a private blog and a "No I refuse to tell you what we're doing" date weekend.

Thank you all for your kind words. It was probably just me having a hard day being away. <3

Yey!

It's looking like your getting to the bright side of things then!

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