when to say i love you

[Hkh8871]

I have been with my boyfriend for a little over a year. We are long distance for 6 months of the year and 6 months we're together almost every day. He comes to visit me so we don't go more than 2 months without each other in 6 months. Our long distance is working out quite well and for the most part we get along swimmingly (occasional fights and one REAALLLYYYYY bad rough patch that we ended up working through together). I'm happy with the relationship- it's a very mature, responsible relationship and generally stable. The one thing that is a source of constant worry and doubt for me is his ex. He was with her for 3 years and was MADLYYY in love with her supposedly. He tends to not talk about her in detail, but he does talk about her to his friend that knew her. Their break up was horrible and he chased for a year until he finally gave up. About a year after that, he met me and we started dating. In the whole year we've been together he's never said "i love you". Occasionally he'll call me his love and stuff, but never the "i love you", even though one time in a fight i had told him i was in love with him. It really worries me that he is still in love with her and he's only with me as a distraction or something. It's awkward to figure out because I don't really have any evidence that that's the case except my feelings. I'm just wondering if this is something I should act on or just move forward. Isn't it weird that he hasn't said I love you?

[Photonut]

To be honest you're being quite selfish here. It sounds like he may not be ready to say "I love you" again because he got hurt so badly. I had scars when my SO met me and all he had to do was be patient (he's the most patient person in the entire world) and I eventually opened up. I have a feeling this is all you need to do too. Saying "I Love You" is a heavy stage in a relationship. To me, "I Love You" means "I want to grow old with you". That is not something you want to rush.

[TaraMarie]

I think people are different. My SO was coming out of a ten year relationship and was so hurt by his ex wife that he was afraid I would do the same thing to him. Of course now he realizes I was the woman he was born to be with, but it took him over a year to be deeply in love with me. It's a good thing I am patient.

Btw...there is a huge difference between I love you and I am IN LOVE with you.

[CanadianGirl]

I wouldn't say you're being selfish at all here. Especially being long distance, knowing that your partner has their heart in it is important.

OP, I also wouldn't say it's weird that he hasn't said it yet. I remember I had trouble saying it at the start of my relationship, out of fear of being hurt too much if my LDR crumbled. I also grew up in a (loving) household that really never used "I love you"s, so it was a little strange to pick up. The reason I say this is because there are plenty of reasons someone might hold back on those three little words. I think that if you're happy with your relationship right now, you shouldn't worry too much about this. If he wasn't showing his love for you, that might be a reason to re-evaluate. But you seem happy. Also, if you love him and want to tell him that, I'd say go for it.

[TaraMarie]

I wouldn't say you're being selfish at all here. Especially being long distance, knowing that your partner has their heart in it is important.

OP, I also wouldn't say it's weird that he hasn't said it yet. I remember I had trouble saying it at the start of my relationship, out of fear of being hurt too much if my LDR crumbled. I also grew up in a (loving) household that really never used "I love you"s, so it was a little strange to pick up. The reason I say this is because there are plenty of reasons someone might hold back on those three little words. I think that if you're happy with your relationship right now, you shouldn't worry too much about this. If he wasn't showing his love for you, that might be a reason to re-evaluate. But you seem happy. Also, if you love him and want to tell him that, I'd say go for it.

I agree. Tell him. Maybe he is waiting for you to say it....and not when u are arguing.

[Hkh8871]

but what if i say it and he doesn't say it back? to me that would ruin the relationship...

[CanadianGirl]

That's the thing I wanted to add earlier. You should say it if you feel it and not expect to hear it back right away. That happens in a lot of relationships and they don't fall apart because of it. Love is a complicated thing. Photonut said earlier that it means you see a future together. To me, it means that I really appreciate having you in my life. Everyone is different. It would be silly to break up a perfectly good, loving relationship over one phrase. If you don't want to go there yet, don't force it. Maybe something almost like "I love you"? "I love having you in my life" or something. It's reassurance without all the weight of "I love you".

[alittlemind]

Everyone is different. And you have to remember, that even if you say you love him, he is in no way REQUIRED to say it back. This doesn't mean he doesn't deeply care about you or that he's still in love with his ex, it just means that maybe he is not ready to take that step because he fears getting hurt again. He will tell you he loves you when he is ready, and if you love him, you'll respect his need to take his time.

You're saying that if you tell him you love him and he doesn't say it back, that'll ruin the relationship. I'm not trying to be rude or anything here but that just seems like a very immature thing to say.

At this point in your relationship, after a year, I think you should be comfortable enough to talk to him about the way you are feeling, and ask him how he feels, ask him to let you know if he is scared to get hurt, what he feels towards you, etc.

I wish you the best of luck.

[snow]

but what if i say it and he doesn't say it back? to me that would ruin the relationship...

Why does it ruin the relationship for you?
Not saying it back does not mean he doesn't feel the same way! My man told me he loved me when we got together, and from then on every day. It took me some time to be able to say it back, not because I didn't love him, but because I had just left my ex and needed to sort things out for myself before I said it. He accepted that he needed to be patient.

I do understand that you're worried that when you say it and he won't say it, it could mean that his heart is still with his ex. But like the other people said, do what feels right to you. If you want to tell him you love him, tell him you love him! If you don't expect it back, let him know so he is not under pressure. If your relationship is good and he is committed to you and treats you well, then all you have to do is just to be patient.

[Sarah96]

Like the others have said, everyone is different. Also like some have mentioned there's a difference between I love you and *in love* with you. In my case, my BF told me he "loved" me after only two weeks of talking! Before we even started dating! I questioned him and it was strange and we even argued about it because I didn't know how he could love me and he didn't even know me. It took me some time to say it back to him mainly because I was hurt terribly in my relationship that ended a month before I met him. But even though we were saying we loved each other early, it was only within the past few months that we realized we were actually in love with each other. It just takes time to say and express those feelings and everyone does it differently. If they're sticking by your side, most likely they have feelings for you and do love you, they just haven't expressed it, maybe because they aren't sure how to? I'm not sure, but I do hope everything works out!

[piratemama]

My SO took time saying those words to me, too, so it meant more when he did. I've learned that he takes time to make sure of every decision he makes. Once he said it, I knew he meant it. We would say things like "you mean the world to me" before we ever said those three words. What is more important is to watch how he shows his love. I'm sure he is showing you in his actions. It does take some people more time, but don't let it scare you. If you can feel it and see it, he'll say it eventually. Some people aren't big on saying those words ever.

[TexastoFinland]

but what if i say it and he doesn't say it back? to me that would ruin the relationship...

I have said I love you many times to my SO. He has admitted to me that he isn't sure what love is exactly and he doesn't want to lead me on until he is sure. I asked him if it makes him uncomfortable that I know and I am sure and I say it? He says no! Just because I know the direction I want to go, doesn't mean everyone does!! Like it was said before, actions speak louder than words. If he doesnt say it back just ask him if it makes him uncomfortable if you say it because you want him to know how you feel?

[Zapookie]

How will him not saying it back ruin the relationship? Love isn't like the movies, and everyone takes their own time to understand their love for a person. He may not be ready, and may not want to jinx anything by saying it too soon.

[BagOfPenguins]

As pretty much everyone said, people feel very different about saying it. My SO is not a person who expresses his feelings through words, he shows them in other ways. I would never doubt that he does love me even though he doesn't say it, because I see his actions. And I don't say it either, but for completely different reasons. For me, those words have somewhat lost their significance. In past relationships I have said it a lot, and at some point it became the go to thing to say when I couldn't think of anything better. I do love him deeply, but I feel like I can't express it by saying those silly words. Those words don't fit the things I feel. I have written it on two occasions though. Once I wrote him a letter to inform him of what I just explained, and I did write it there, just to let him know. And I texted him saying "I'll be back. I love you." After saying good bye at the airport when I left for Korea.

[xanzbarr]

My SO calls me on skype nearly every night, tells me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, we've talked about marriage ( me letting him know I expected this as the eventual outcome and he agrees), tells me he misses me, we have great chemistry ( of course we always did), calls me pet names, tells me he thinks of me all day, etc. He has never told me he loves me. I asked him about it once because once I was sure my feelings were love I told him. He told me he needed time and I believe he wants to wait till we close the distance. Of course I would love to hear the words but he shows me his feelings in so many ways with what he says and does, that Im satisfied with what I have and can wait till he's ready.