Why am I so upset??

[ElenW]

My special guy (friend at the moment but 'getting there') hasn't even left yet and I'm already in floods of tears! I'm trying to rationalise everything: it's only temporary (five months), the odds are that he'll be fine (more dangerous here!), he can come home if he hates it (only a temp job), I'll have some contact even if it's only occasional, etc. BUT I don't want him to go and, perhaps deeper, something's telling me he shouldn't go, but surely that's just me being selfish and a bit paranoid? My counsellor (seeing her about childhood stuff, but this is becoming the focus of our sessions!) says it's loss/grief - why??!! - what am I losing / grieving for... five months of my life (with him)? I've NEVER been this upset in my whole life, so what the heck is going on?? (I can't talk to my family/friends about this - they don't understand - and I'm hiding it from him because I don't want to make him feel guilty fir taking this amazing opportunity!)

Very confused... :/

El

[Maribeth]

The fact that you are feeling selfish and wanting him to stay, at some level in your mind and heart, is completely normal. It's self preservasion. The important thing here is that you are not actually telling him not to go, which shows that your really do care about him simcerely. But the feelings are normal. Now the grief part is totally correct. Yes he hasn't left yet, but grief has different stages and the first one is denial. That's what you are going through right now, because you can't really conceive the fact that he is leaving or your life away from him. It's hard, and it's painful, but it's not impossible to endure time apart from each other. If this is your first time away from each other, many of your insecurities can also be relying on your fear of the two of you drifting apart from each other. Now, I'm not saying to not be afraid because it's not something you can control. But what I can tell you to do is talk to him and make a plan. Make a specific plan of what you would like to do with your relationship once he leaves. Yes, I undestand you are not yet a couple, but friends can also make these kinds of commitments, and if he cares for you as much as you care for him he will be more than willing to do this with you. Remember, fear always comes from the unknown, if you at least have a plan, wether it's to talk everyday or every other day at least once a day (that sounded a bit redundant though it wasn't ), or text each other once a day, ANYTHING, THAT will at least ease a little bit of the fear. Also, nothing you decide to do is insignificant, even a text to say good night can put your mind at ease at a very hard time.

Best of luck