This is a very hard topic for me, and I quite frankly don't know who to talk to for a few reasons:
1. My friends don't understand that I'm really in love
2. They will almost certainly advise me to stay away from him before I get more involved emotionally, which is a stupid statement based on the fact that they don't believe I can possibly be in love already
3. I'm scared that if I say it out loud it will finally be true.
My post is not really a question, though any advise or support is very well received and mostly needed. I met my SO 3 week ago. I had VERY recently gotten out of my third meaningful relationship, including a divorce. Needless to say I was almost giving up on love or the idea of being able to grow old with someone. As a result of an excessive fear of being a cat lady in the future, I decided to give it one last shot at an opportunity to meet someone, so i joined an online dating site, against my better judgement. And now I'm more glad than ever that I did. I found him, or more like he found me. I can't really explain it, but I'm very certain many of you who read this will understand, but when you know you know. You have this feeling that he has been in your life since you can remember and you've just been waiting for him to come back to you. I know in my heart it's him, my everything, my hope, my dreams, my inspiration, my love and my soul. But now that I've found him and I should be feeling safer and more at home than ever, I feel fear and an unbearable sense of impotence. Not because of the distance, though that sucks, but because he has cancer. Hypothalamic cancer, malignant, to be more or less specific. He's had it for 4 years, he underwent treatment and it reduced quite considerably in size. He lives with pain and other very discomforting symptoms, but still leads a relatively normal life. But now... They found a clot near the tumor and he has to undergo brain surgery. The outcomes are very much like a russian roulette, he can come out fine, he could become a vegetable or he could die. I'm terrified. I can't lose him now that I just found him. Also what makes it worse is that the surgery is on March 17th, I have no means to get there. I'm a single mother of 2 and I can't really afford going there even if I tried saving. There is just no way I can get the money. I just feel hopeless and impotent and anxious and fearful. I try my best to have a great time with him all day and give him my all, but half the time I feel like talking about how I feel, but I don't want to be the harbinger of depression. I have mentioned my fear, but OBVIOUSLY I haven't made it obvious all the time. But I still I feel so afraid to lose him. And it's worse to not be able to talk about it.
We're meeting in 2 weeks, and we will probably be able to have better conversations about many things in person, but each time we talk about being together and the things we would like to do with our lives I'm just thinking "what if you're not here to do any of those things?". And though it's beautiful to talk about and dream about a future life together it still fills me with this HUGE sinking feeling in my chest, like I couldn't breathe. I love him. I love everything about him.
1. My friends don't understand that I'm really in love
2. They will almost certainly advise me to stay away from him before I get more involved emotionally, which is a stupid statement based on the fact that they don't believe I can possibly be in love already
3. I'm scared that if I say it out loud it will finally be true.
My post is not really a question, though any advise or support is very well received and mostly needed. I met my SO 3 week ago. I had VERY recently gotten out of my third meaningful relationship, including a divorce. Needless to say I was almost giving up on love or the idea of being able to grow old with someone. As a result of an excessive fear of being a cat lady in the future, I decided to give it one last shot at an opportunity to meet someone, so i joined an online dating site, against my better judgement. And now I'm more glad than ever that I did. I found him, or more like he found me. I can't really explain it, but I'm very certain many of you who read this will understand, but when you know you know. You have this feeling that he has been in your life since you can remember and you've just been waiting for him to come back to you. I know in my heart it's him, my everything, my hope, my dreams, my inspiration, my love and my soul. But now that I've found him and I should be feeling safer and more at home than ever, I feel fear and an unbearable sense of impotence. Not because of the distance, though that sucks, but because he has cancer. Hypothalamic cancer, malignant, to be more or less specific. He's had it for 4 years, he underwent treatment and it reduced quite considerably in size. He lives with pain and other very discomforting symptoms, but still leads a relatively normal life. But now... They found a clot near the tumor and he has to undergo brain surgery. The outcomes are very much like a russian roulette, he can come out fine, he could become a vegetable or he could die. I'm terrified. I can't lose him now that I just found him. Also what makes it worse is that the surgery is on March 17th, I have no means to get there. I'm a single mother of 2 and I can't really afford going there even if I tried saving. There is just no way I can get the money. I just feel hopeless and impotent and anxious and fearful. I try my best to have a great time with him all day and give him my all, but half the time I feel like talking about how I feel, but I don't want to be the harbinger of depression. I have mentioned my fear, but OBVIOUSLY I haven't made it obvious all the time. But I still I feel so afraid to lose him. And it's worse to not be able to talk about it.
We're meeting in 2 weeks, and we will probably be able to have better conversations about many things in person, but each time we talk about being together and the things we would like to do with our lives I'm just thinking "what if you're not here to do any of those things?". And though it's beautiful to talk about and dream about a future life together it still fills me with this HUGE sinking feeling in my chest, like I couldn't breathe. I love him. I love everything about him.
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