What the hell happened to us?

[Soapysoph22]

Hi all,

I thought I'd write all this down in a place I find comfort and support.

I don't come on here often enough, but I can't sleep right now (12.05am in the UK right now)

Anyway here's my bedtime story, I'll try and keep it as short as possible...

I fell in love with a guy from Canada from 2008 when we were both in high school. I then met him in Vancouver in 2011, We waited two years to meet so we could decide whether it's just a high school crush or the real deal.
When I spent that week with him in Canada at the age of 17 it felt so amazing being together in person we connected straight away and immediately knew we were in love and that the chemistry between us was electrifying!

So from 2011 We then made it a yearly tradition to meet up once a year, it works out expensive flying between Vancouver and Manchester! So in 2013 My SO proposed to me, he made me promises that he'd go home and sort out arrangements to move here, I was 20 at the time so even though we were young to get married my family agreed it was the perfect solution to being together. Those two weeks we were together in May 2013 was the happiest we'd ever been, we'd talk about finally being together & I looked at him and saw my soul mate.

The day came in 2013 when we said our goodbyes at the airport and I'm sure if you're reading this you know how heartbreaking this moment is. He kissed my engagement ring and promised me he'd be back soon and we'd get married and start to finally close the distance.

As soon as he arrived back in Vancouver everything changed.

September 2013 - My 21st birthday, again he told me he couldn't come over for it due to work which I understood, when he came over in May I arranged to have a Christmas/21st birthday for us both seeing as we knew we wouldn't be together in September & October to celebrate our birthdays. So although it hurt again him not being at my birthday party he promised me that he'd send me a beautiful present. No parcel arrived for me, he told me he didn't know what to get me but he said a card was on its way to me, I'm still waiting for that card...

It sounds petty but I made a big effort for him when he was staying with me by buying him really nice presents and then he doesn't make any effort for my birthday. He didn't facetime me or anything that day either. It really hurt me! I realised then that it was the start of our problems.

When Christmas arrived he started to complain how Fed up he is of being alone and how he wishes he had someone to have sex and sleep with every night. Again he told me he'd sent me something and he lied. I was foolish enough to send him a Christmas card with photos of us! I noticed he didn't initiate conversation with me anymore on Facebook, we stopped facetiming because of his different excuses. When Christmas day arrived I was quite down when normally I'm like a 5 year old Christmas day! Mum worked Christmas day for the first time since I was born so I missed her horribly, I was alone again Christmas day & my SO had the nerve to tell me that I should be over in Vancouver with him. I ended up arguing with him because he never made an effort to talk to me over the Christmas period, instead he met up with his guy friends and got drunk.

Around New year we had a chat on facebook and I told him I couldn't stand it anymore, how he kept upsetting me and I felt miserable and lonely. He begged me not to break up with him, I'd broke up with him once before in April 2012 and it broke my heart to do it but he didn't give up on us he begged me to come back to him and I did.

During our conversation on Facebook before New year he suggested that we see other people whilst being together still, he told me I was allowed to have sex with as many blokes as I wanted. In return I told him that if we were to try an open relationship then we shouldn't be engaged so I called it off. He told me that I wasn't allowed to see any of the guys I slept with more than once. He said that meeting girls would be helping his sexual frustration as well as helping me with my frustration.

From that day he kept asking me if I'd slept with a guy and the truth is that I haven't yet, I was so uncomfortable with the whole idea at first, I kept thinking about him sleeping with girls prettier than me but then a part of me now wants to go out and meet guys, maybe even break my SO's rule and keep dating a guy to see how he'd react. I know that is a bad thing to say but after all the upset he's been putting me through I now want a guy who lives not from me now and I can enjoy sleeping next to someone, it's not even about the sex it's more about the cuddling and not being alone in bed every night wondering when me and my SO will ever finally be together.

Recently I've noticed that although none of us has met another person we barely talk now and if we do it's more as really good friends. He asked me to face time him today and we didn't talk for long and he kept complimenting me but I feel anger towards him now and I didn't really know what to say to him! We used to snuggle in bed and talk for hours but now we hardly ever talk, on Facebook he just sends me a heart emoticon instead of actually talking and I find myself starting a conversation with him. I think I'm losing the faith in our relationship now. I consider myself as single, he thinks we're still in a relationship but how can we be when he seeks other women and lies to me and barely wants to talk to me!

I'm sick and tired of feeling like this, I just can't believe 8 months ago we were so happy about getting married and closing the distance, and now I sometimes wish I'd never spoke to him online. The years we've been together he's hurt me and he knows it but now I'm too tired to deal with it.

I just don't understand how two people who were in love with each could end up like this? It's so complicated now and I keep making excuses on why I won't be coming over to see him this year! Is that bad of me?

I just wanted to write all this down here to help take my mind off it all, he's screwed up a lot with me but if we wants me back he'll have to come over to me and get on his knees and beg instead of getting me to do all the running round in our relationship.

Thank you for reading this deep down in my heart I do love him but everyday I lose a little more faith in this relationship to the point where I'll break up with him one final time and he won't be able to contact me again, it sounds so harsh but it's the only option I have left if he continues like this...


Xx

[Ejoriah]

I think that if you get to the point where you've called off an engagement and want to break his rule to get back at him for the upset he's caused you, this relationship has pretty much run its course. On top of that you're making excuses not to see him, so really where can this relationship go? Sorry to be blunt, but I don't think you love him, but more the good memories and good times you had together, and the great plans you two made.

[Chris516]

Without reading the OP's post, the title says the sadness we all experience in a relationship, LD or not.

[Dezface]

It's incredibly hard when you get to that point in a relationship where you start to realize it's not going to work. You always cling on to what was and wonder how you ended up where you are now. But I'm glad you seem to realize that you two are not in a healthy place and that perhaps it's time to move on. Good luck with things.

[piratemama]

I'm so sorry. This all sounds very painful. When you want to go out with other guys to get back at him, it's time to move on. If you can't live with him seeing other women, and he's going to do that no matter how you feel, you need to move on. It comes down to this: are you better off with this person or without. I know it hurts to give up something that meant so much to you, but do you really want to hold on to something that hurts you so much and is not going anywhere good?

[differentcountries]

Rocky times are NOT a time to start experimenting with open relationships, it being long distance makes it an even dummer idea. You need to call that farse off. I can't tell you how naive that is, open relationships require the same type of effort as regular ones, if not more. You seem very hurt by it, well tell him from me he is an amatour in the game and he should leave the field.

I totally get why planning to close the distance makes living apart harder. He seems to handle it the guy way with distance and drink, and you with looking to him even more. Well... If you should stand a chance, you both need to change a bit. You better stop agreeing to stuff you really don't want to do. And he has to do more stuff to please you. You both seem to have a lot of unresolved anger and hurt feelings. In a way you react very similar, perhaps if you could see that you could start rebuilding the relationship and start over with a new strategy.

[squeeker]

I'm so sorry!

I think you have come to the right conclusion that you should break it off if he doesn't change soon. You gave him a chance. I think it's pretty poor of him to suggest you have an open relationship... especially after the promise of marriage. But I guess some people are just not as committed. Maybe he started to feel scared about moving away from his home country to the UK and instead of confessing that, he repressed it and started thinking about other girls. I don't know.. you can't make excuses for him. I think maybe it's a sign the relationship has run it's course.. but I too am baffled as to how you went from thinking about marriage to that. I would like to hope for the best, but if this relationship is not meant to be, which from looking at this it seems maybe not, then guess what? There is someone else out there. Be kind to yourself and stay strong.

[Heavenly_Love12]

I'm so sorry you're going through all this!

From reading your post, it sounds like things are not going to improve unless you decide what you want to do and stick to it. It doesn't sound like you wanted an open relationship and just went through the motions because your SO wanted to have that kind of relationship. You shouldn't have to bend that much to keep someone and it sounds like you are both thinking that you want to be with other people. It sounds like your SO is off trying to have his cake and eat it too; he believes you are in a relationship but he's also having relations (for lack of a better word) with others. If he proposed, that should have meant that he knew 100% that you are the one for him and that he wants to be in a long term, committed, relationship with you! I don't understand why he changed but maybe he became scared or like he was going to miss out on other experiences? I do not think that excuses anything or changes what has happened.

It sounds like your relationship has come to a stand still and run its course. If you both are wanting to be able to have a CD relationship with others, then don't stay in "the relationship" just because of the memories. You have stated how you feel very well in your post and I think you deserve to be happy one way or the other. I wish you the best of luck and stay strong!

[Soapysoph22]

Thank you for all your comments and support on this, you are so right! I can't believe in less than a year it's gone from wedding plans to this. The biggest thing that hurt me was the fact that if he is scared about moving here and closing the distance then he won't admit it to me, instead he decides to suggest an open relationship!

I have even told him that if he was to move to the UK first then I would live in Canada with him in the future but he knows I wouldn't leave my parents, my father is an ill man and I'm his carer. He knows I can't leave him!

I guess I have no choice but to tell him I don't want to do this anymore.

Thank you again I appreciate your responses xx