Can it really work?

[claire_93]

Hi everyone.
This is my first post

I stumbled upon this website while I was looking for inspiration about LDR's, and I was pleasantly surprised. It is so nice to see a website dedicated to how LDR can in fact work, rather than every other site that seems to put them down and simply say there is no chance.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for little over a year now. We have spent every single day together. We go to university together, go out with friends together, nearly always sleep at each others houses. I guess I started taking it for granted that he would always be there.... I got so used to him that I never really considered how I would cope without him.

However a couple of weeks ago he decided to change universities and move up the coast to live with his family again. It devastated me. While I'm so thrilled for him as I know he will be happier back at home, I don't know how things are going to work for us now, and how I'm going to cope without having him as such a huge part of my everyday life.

We both feel so strongly about each other. I know I love him (though I haven't told him yet, and neither has he said the L word to me).
He asked me to move with him but as I am further in my university degree it would be extremely hard for me to transfer and it is better to wait until I have finished- either in one or two years. And even then I don't know whether I could move away from my family... So while this LDR is hopefully only a short time solution, it may turn out to be more long term. And I don't know if I can sustain that.

So here I am, about to embark in a long distance relationship- something I told myself I would never do. The plan is to fly up once every month for the weekend. And then see each other for the month break between semesters.....

I guess I'm just looking for some inspiration as to whether this relationship is sustainable? I'm hopeful that we can make it work but I am also wary because I suffer from anxiety, which makes a normal relationship hard, let alone one over long distance :/ I asked him if I he thinks we can do it and he said "I don't know, but I'm willing to give it my best. Breaking up is not an option".

I'm not romantic and neither is he. I can't do the sappy phone calls, or there cute surprise presents. it's just not me. But reading a lot of stories on this site it seems like those things are what help your LDR's stay strong.... How can I make this work without those sorts of things? Is simply skyping 3 times a week enough?

It makes me so sick to think about him leaving in just a months time. I'm confused and scared as to whether we can make this work
Can anyone help me?


Sorry for this wall of text!!! If you managed to read it all thankyou it just helps to write my story down.

[Ejoriah]

Hi and welcome to the forum!

A lot of the questions you are asking come down to personal preference, as each relationship is different. You plan to see each other once a month, and longer between semesters. To some here, who see their SOs once or twice a year and make it work, of course it is sustainable! However some may think that once a month is just not worth it.

If you two are not romantic, then there is no need to force it when you go long distance. Find what works for the two of you. For me and my SO, we don't do cards or surprises, but we Skype every day and visit every 3 weeks to every month. If Skyping three times a week works for you and your SO, then it's what works! There is no magical formula in a long distance relationship, at least not one that's very different from close-distance ones: trust and communication (for instance, about your needs in the relationship) will do more good than all the sappy romantic surprises you can think of.

[BabyGund]

First, to LFAD!

Second, it can work! This website is all about that! You don't have to do sappy phone calls or cute surprise presents. My SO and I don't ever talk on the phone. We email, we text and we Skype occasionally. The key is to use whatever mode of communication works best for YOU TWO. And to keep that communication open and flowing.

Another key is to stay busy. That time you spent with him is now freed up to do something else -- learn a new hobby, meet new friends, read new books, etc. Staying busy keeps you from moping and being lonely and it also gives you something to share in your conversations.

I'm sure some other members will come along with some other tips, but those are the ones I have for now! Pull up a chair and a cup and get cozy!

[TexastoFinland]

Yes it can work! You just need confidence and lots of trust!! You have to trust your heart.. listen to cues, and read between the lines. Be comfortable, open and honest. Don't hide anything even if there are any mistakes that might harm trust. LDR's with a commitment to be in a LDR and being best friends with their SO can go overcome a lot. It is not easy and there will be more hard days than easy days, more bad days than good, especially if you wait longer to close the distance. When you have a deep connection, and at one time spent everyday together, then you have to leave for unforeseen reasons why should the connection just end? It doesn't truth be told. Only time will tell if the connection ends. I just said to myself I will live my life, see him when I can, talk as often as I can and then see how long the connection lasts. If we still have a connection at a better time in life then we can talk about being together. Trust me because i faced this. I had to leave the love of my life, my soul mate at the most inopportune time. It was for a study program as well. We just said we would see, talk, and touch when we could. Here it is 19 months later and we are still going good! Love is love, and life is .. well ..uh.. life; you gotta live it!

[differentcountries]

Welcome here, I too was very happy when I found this site. Yes it can work Every month plus holiday is a lot in the LD world. I am not the romantic person myself. My so is the most romantic person ever, so I stretch to please him and have become quite crafty since going LD! However, what we mostly do is use Viber app for text and emicons and sending pics, and we Skype each night if even for just 5 min. If Skype is down we use Hangouts video. I need to see him and hear his voice. We don't email much because he is not THAT good in English. We do a little regular texting and Facebook, and phone. We don't do stuff over Skype (unless undressing counts), no gaming or cooking or sleepover, it is just talking. Sometimes we talk for hours, at other times it is more like hey love, I miss you, got to go.. Having a life of your own will help a lot, to stay busy and focused and positive, and to have something to talk to your bf about. You don't need any one thing, just try out stuff and find out what works at any given time.

[claire_93]

Wow thank you so much everyone. It really helps to have so many positive responses.

I'm definitely not ready to end the relationship. And while the next 1-2 years are going to be hard, there is no reason why distance should stop us from continuing and developing our relationship.

Reading your stories really helps build my confidence

[piratemama]

Welcome to the forum.

Yes, it can work, but it is not easy. Nothing worthwhile is easy, as the old saying goes. You have to commit to work at it, be more patient than in a CD relationship, listen more (even for messages not spoken), give 150%, and to communicate. The best advice I've been given on this forum is to communicate clearly and calmly when issues arise. Oh, does an LDR hurt your heart at times, but it is the most wonderful experience with the right person, too.

[Sabbilicious]

I honestly never thought I would be in a LDR..however, when my long time crush and I decided to finally give it a shot..and I had no choice..I would rather have him in distance..than not at all..So this is coming from a girl..who never thought she would do it..but yes they can work and honestly this is the best relationship i've been in and the happiest in. Now, are LDRs for everyone? no..not at all and quite frankly, I don't think I would have been able to do it with anyone else but J. And consider yourself lucky that you can fly up there once a month! that's awesome! some people go MONTHS without seeing each other and still sustain a fairly happy and successful relationship. I do recommend skype for those lonely nights. And you always have this forum to help you out! I have found it really helpful..this isn't my first LDR..also you can find many LDR blogs on tumblr.

[Tooki]

It's very doable. Plane tickets are cheap in Australia and you have minimal time-differences. Once you adjust to everything, you'll be sweet.

[Ahava]

Welcome to LFAD Claire!
And yes it can work
(My bf isn't very romantic either.)

[BagOfPenguins]

It can be really tough at times, but it can definitely work. My situation was a little similar to yours as in we started out as a couple without thinking we would ever get into a LDR situation. When I got the offer to go to Korea for a year I asked him what he thought about it and if we could make it. And he said pretty much the exact same thing, that he didn't now if it would work out, but that we'd try. And it's working quite well, even though we just miss each other a lot.
I say: go for it!

[jana89]

Welcome to forums As everyone else said, it can be done, more so, if you can keep your visit schedule. Me and my SO donīt do much or romantic stuff either, in fact we donīt even Skype, but talk every night on FB chat. You will figure out what works best for you. Good luck

[kteire]

Welcome

It's hard, but to reiterate - it's completely possible for the right relationship. It's particularly hard when you've spent so much time together... My SO and I were only dating in person for 2 months, so I can imagine it must be harder when it's been a year. It's worst at the start, but you will adjust and find a routine, and it'll get easier. I have a lot of anxiety as well, but frequent contact and trust are big helps in that We're not very romantic people, and I'm frankly uncomfortable with cutesy messages and that, haha. But we made up for that all when we're together in person, we're both better at expressing ourselves physically. You don't need to have overly romantic messages and stuff to make it work!

Best of luck, and enjoy the great community here!

[Hollandia]

Me and my SO spent every 3 months or more apart for over 90 days. I know how wonderful it is be be able to be CD and then ripped apart to LD. You can do it, you just have to do as others suggested. Keep yourself busy and keep up the lines of communication but don't have huge expectations for them to be amazing every time. When you are LD for several months, conversations just get stale sometimes. Don't fret, just know and have faith in each other and enjoy the time when you are together. Me and my SO also like to pick some activities to do online together. We play games, watch marathons of TV shows, movies, and share links that we find interesting. You don't need to be mushy in order to enjoy someone's company.

Welcome to LFAD, enjoy the forum, you will find many kindred spirits here.