I don't know what to do.

[laurenandjames9]

I don't really know how to put this without it sounding confusing.

I seem to be going through one of those phases where I just question everything. I don't if I am happy anymore. I love James more than I have ever loved anyone, but it just seems like its not enough. I want more, and maybe that's the problem. Yes being apart is hard, but I don't see it as the problem. Our conversations are boring, I just feel like we have nothing to talk about, and he doesn't make any effort to try and make a real conversation. I would love to have a serious conversation were we both really open up, but when I open up to him I don't get the same back. I have tried talking to him about it before but we just end up arguing and he turns it on me.

I am really confused.

Lauren

[Hollandia]

I don't really know how to put this without it sounding confusing.

I seem to be going through one of those phases where I just question everything. I don't if I am happy anymore. I love James more than I have ever loved anyone, but it just seems like its not enough. I want more, and maybe that's the problem. Yes being apart is hard, but I don't see it as the problem. Our conversations are boring, I just feel like we have nothing to talk about, and he doesn't make any effort to try and make a real conversation. I would love to have a serious conversation were we both really open up, but when I open up to him I don't get the same back. I have tried talking to him about it before but we just end up arguing and he turns it on me.

I am really confused.

Lauren

Sometimes relationships run their course. Ask yourself this, why do you love him? Make a list of pros and cons and maybe he might be willing to do the same so the two of you can work through this. That, or stop trying so hard, do something else toghether online. Don't worry about the convo aspect and just see if you can still enjoy each other's company without any pressure to have great interesting conversations. LDR online convos go stale for a period sometimes. Watch you are not reading more into what he is not saying in your own mind, a pitfall I do myself when the months apart start to build up.

[lyonsgirl]

You're 17. He's... how old?

What kind of "open" conversations are you talking about? Some guys don't ever really open up to anyone, unfortunately. Not saying all guys don't, but some don't. When you argue, do you tend to use "you" statements or "I" statements? If you say things like, "I feel..." or "I would like..." rather than "You always..." or "You never..." you might end up getting "better results", so to speak. I've learned that one the hard way. Accusatory tones don't work with anyone - not just guys.

[laurenandjames9]

He is 19. I want him to open up more about how he feels. I made him 4 open when letters, and he has opened 3 and he just found them funny and stupid. I spent so much time on them, I told him the truth and I thought he may be a bit more appreciative and maybe he would kind of respond to them. I guess he isnt that type of guy, when was once. I just think maybe I do expect too much sometimes because I would be willing to do a lot for him.

[CanadianGirl]

Did he actually make fun of your letters? If so, then his problem seems to be being an insensitive prick and not just being emotionally guarded. You're both young, and your relationship seems to be too. It can make it hard to really open up. I do think that if you've let him know that you need more emotional intimacy and he doesn't seem like the person to give it to you, then maybe like Hollandia said, the relationship's just gone as far as it can. Do what makes you happy.

[laurenandjames9]

He was laughing at them when we were on webcam and reading them out in funny voices. I dont think he meant in a nasty way. But it upset me because I was trying to be romantic. I dont want to argue with him and I know if I mention it he will start an argument.


Lauren

[differentcountries]

You have to tell him what you want. And try to find out what works for him, at least you know the letters did not manage to touch him, then maybe something different.

[squeeker]

Hey. I just wanted to say.. If he was just laughing and not being mean about it, he might just not be into the sappy romantic stuff. I say this because my boyfriend isn't either. He will appreciate them and think they are cute but he prefers if I buy him useful items.. not things too cutesy. I'm the cutesy girly one. I don't get upset about it now because I just like making them and I know he likes them.. but he doesn't get as into it as me.

And for talking. . That can happen especially in ldrs when we depend more on conversation. Sometimes I have gotten the feeling like I want a deeper conversation but the best ones happen spontaneously.. usually late at night for some reason . But forcing them won't work.

My advice for you is to try and slow your mind down.. When you are chatting to him... start thinking about why you love him... get back to that stage where it didn't matter what you talked about. . Just that he was there on Web Cam or chat with you. it helps me sometimes when I just sit and listen and watch my boyfriend and allow myself to be patient.

Good luck and stay strong!

[piratemama]

He was laughing at them when we were on webcam and reading them out in funny voices. I dont think he meant in a nasty way. But it upset me because I was trying to be romantic. I dont want to argue with him and I know if I mention it he will start an argument.


Lauren

Everybody is different. We each receive and give love in different ways. Does he try to show love to you in other ways, like maybe making efforts to spend time with you? He's young, too, and may not understand how bad his laughter might make you feel. Some people mature much slower than others. One thing I know, you can't change the basic way people are wired. If you talk with him about what you need and he still can't do it, you have to decide if you can live with it the way it is.

[itsjen516]

You might just be going threw a hard time with him. Not much to say even when you try. I went threw this to just last week actually. It had been going on 3 weeks , when I would joke he would avoid me when I tired to talk and sent him stuff he would ignore that to. It got to the point where I was just getting mad at him but I wouldn't say anything to avoid issues. Most things we said were "so what ya doing" idk it was lame
I eventuly just blew up on him and that's when he finally noticed what he was doing and after a long day of tears and stuff something clicked in him and he gt a relality check I guess. We relalized it was both our issues and we talk that threw and you may need the same when he turns it on you be like no listen I feel this and I feel that! It's ok to get mad but it can really work out well.
Though me and my so never have had an argument it's still a stressful feeling when you feel you have Nothjng to say

[laurenandjames9]

Thank you- this is sooo helpful.

I know what I need to do, but putting into action can sometimes be hard. I always over think things, and I seem to be doing it a lot lately.
I need to remember why I fell in love with him in the first place.

Lauren

[laurenandjames9]

Thank you everyone, what people said is really helpful.

I need to take a step back think why I fell in love with James in the first place.

Everything just seems to build up sometimes and I let it control me way too much.

[laurenandjames9]

I've come to a point where I don't know what I want anymore. I just need to get everything out.

All me and James have done recently is argue. I try to be honest with James about my feelings, and he doesn't like it, so he blows everything up and we end up arguing. He is working in February half term so we won't be able to see each other, but I accept that as James said he got this job so he would have more money to be able to see me. He then said that I might aswell get a job because it wouldn't make a difference as we don't see each other anyway. I felt really hurt by this as me getting a job would put an even bigger strain on our relationship as it would be impossible for us to see each other. I also said that most of our arguments come from us both misinterpreting things as we mainly talk on Skype or kik. I said that to talk more on the phone would be good. Then today, I was at sixth form, I wasn't in lesson and me and James were texting and then he rang me and I said that I couldn't answer. He then had a go at me saying I was up to something because I wouldn't answer the phone. I told him that he was being so silly about it, and that I would ring him when I got him. I rang him 4 times and then he answered. We had yet another argument as he couldn't understand why I didn't answer the phone, after I said it would be nice for us to talk more on the phone. Am I in the wrong for not answering the phone? He just kept saying he wasn't bothered anymore, and then he put the phone down.

I'm tired of chasing after him, trying to make things up to him. He blames everything on me, which isn't fair. I know I have my own problems, but everyday I try to deal with them for me and for the sake of the relationship. I feel like nothing I ever do is good enough. I try telling him how I feel and he doesn't like it. I really don't know what to do, I'm too tired to hold onto him, but I am too in love with him to let him go. We were supposed to be seeing each other on Friday, but I don't know if that will happen now.

Lauren

[differentcountries]

It seems generosity is lacking between the two of you. And your deals are very unspecific. Make a deal when it is ok to call. If you don't think taking on a job is a good idea, then dont. When he makes a fuss, dont up the anty because that is how relationships die. I don't mean agree to whatever he says, but don't argue. Realize that you contribute to the situation by making too loose agreement, being sensitive etc. And your use of the word honesty tells me you are probably either too vague or too blunt or quite possably both. I have this thing I tell my boyfriend when ever we bicker, I say : I really want to connect with you. If you can say that without resentment and really, really mean only that -which he can hardly condem and most likely want for himself too- all the other stuff does not matter. What one said does not matter. It is only this ; are we connecting right now?