Should I tell my parents?

[iPie]

I've found that a lot of people recommend telling parents about long distance relationships for a number of reasons, but I'm unsure whether it would be a good idea in my case.

Several years ago I was in a relationship with a man I'd never met. When I told my parents about it, but they reacted very badly. They started questioning his motives and were very suspicious, which I could understand. But also, their attitudes towards me changed and everything became very tense. I dreaded being alone with them because they would always start criticising us. They did their best to convince me that I didn't know him and shouldn't be with him. It was a pretty stressful time.

When we broke up, it turned out he had lied to me about a few things, and my parents considered themselves proven right.

Now I'm in a different relationship. After two years, I'm still afraid to tell my parents, because I know it's likely to end up the same as it was before, and I'm worried it would damage my relationship with them. I haven't met my SO in person, neither of us can afford to visit each other, and they simply don't trust my online friends and still refer to them as "strangers". Plus, this time their opinion will be influenced by what happened with my ex.

My SO really wants me to tell them (and his parents are starting to get suspicious as to why I haven't). But I'm having trouble deciding whether the pros really outweigh the cons, especially since once I've told them, I can't undo that. Do you think I should?

Whoops, this got kinda long. D:

[squeeker]

I think it's ALWAYS a good idea to be upfront and honest with your parents.

I understand being scared to tell them, especially when there's been a negative experience in the past with a LDR where they reacted negatively.

Maybe you could try bringing it up slowly.. saying something positive about your SO, what he makes you feel like.. tell them they can talk to him on video call if after explaining things and that you talk on web cam (I hope you do, as it would make it a lot easier for you to trust him), or they could talk to his parents, and get to know them. Though I haven't done that really, though there has been communication on facebook with my parents and his dad, and they are friends on facebook.

I know my SO told his dad and friend about meeting me online almost immediately whereas I was more nervous about telling people.

Though it worked out okay in my case, and my family is relatively supportive now. Though I'm not sure what they are really thinking, but they don't criticize him. My mom asks how he is and things. My dad is a quiet person but I think he accepts us a a couple too. Though because they are parents they are going to worry.

And your parents are probably just worried too. You need to be able to tell them but explain that he isn't a bad guy. Maybe explain what kinds of things you talk about, or how often you talk, what his family is like.. maybe even let them speak to your SO or his family or both to help them feel more secure. Also maybe try and explain that you learned from your past relationship about what to look for in a guy and you are going to take it slow with him, and you are strong and won't let him take advantage of you?

I think you should definitely still tell them, but just try and wait to be able to share it in a way where you can reassure him he is a good person and how certain you are of that fact.

Good luck!

[iPie]

Bringing it up slowly sounds like a good idea, maybe I could mention him in conversations casually at first, and not make a big deal out of it. I talk on webcam with my SO but my parents don't like using Skype and such, so I'm not sure if they would talk to him. Though either way, the fact that they can speak to him if they want to would be reassuring I guess.

I'm going to tell them, I think, but I'll spend some time thinking first about how I can explain that he really is harmless. Also, explaining how I've learnt from my past relationship sounds like it might make it easier, especially if they try and use that against me or something. Thanks for your help!

[squeeker]

Bringing it up slowly sounds like a good idea, maybe I could mention him in conversations casually at first, and not make a big deal out of it. I talk on webcam with my SO but my parents don't like using Skype and such, so I'm not sure if they would talk to him. Though either way, the fact that they can speak to him if they want to would be reassuring I guess.

I'm going to tell them, I think, but I'll spend some time thinking first about how I can explain that he really is harmless. Also, explaining how I've learnt from my past relationship sounds like it might make it easier, especially if they try and use that against me or something. Thanks for your help!

You're welcome! I hope it all works out! I'm sure it will. I think it should at least help your parents begin to trust him and you together, if they know they can talk to him.. or if you are skyping with him and they walk in you can show your screen and introduce him/your parents to him, if you haven't done that yet. Its a bit easier than getting parents to talk to him on skype when they aren't into it. :P My parents aren't good with skype either.

I think you will be okay.

[itsjen516]

i think you should tell them you can say i know how your going to react but its very different this time he treats me alot better and im just happy.
maybe get your mom and dad to talk to him on skpe and they can get a better idea of him. its better then hidding it, cuz what if one day you and him get married what would you say then ? "hey mom hey dad well im getting married well thanks bye" lol so its better to just be honest. Me and my now finace were both scared to tell our familys about our relationship but thanks to his brothers big mouth and my mom creeping my facebook lol both our parents found and accepted it. It made things alot better and im glad we told and i think you will feel better to

[piratemama]

Yeah, I agree with what's already been said. You definitely need to be open and honest, although I can understand your fears. I'd want to know why my SO didn't want to tell his family about me, too. In my SO's case, he is gradually building up to more and more info about me. That might work in your case. Skype talking would be good, too. I hope it works out for you.

The one thing that makes LDR's so hard is the perception people have of them. Everyone judges them wrongly, thinking we don't "know" our SO's.

[differentcountries]

I noticed thst you said several years ago, and that it was before the current two year long relationship. Thst means that the relationship your parents reacted to, was one you had when you were a minor. To me, that makes all the difference. And it should for you, too. You are old and hopefully responsable enough to take care of yourself now.

[jana89]

You should tell your parents, definitely yes. I think it would be good if they talk to your SO or even his parents, so they see he really is who he claims to be. Good luck

[snow]

I noticed thst you said several years ago, and that it was before the current two year long relationship. Thst means that the relationship your parents reacted to, was one you had when you were a minor. To me, that makes all the difference. And it should for you, too. You are old and hopefully responsable enough to take care of yourself now.

Absoultely this.
I don't blame your parents for being stricter when you were younger. Kids don't know what they get themselves into!
Now you are a young adult and I think you should tell them. I know it can be hard, but if you are both serious about it then you should do it.

[mellif]

I have to concur with what everyone else said. Just wanted to say, best of luck!!! I was anxious when I first told my parents as well.

[iPie]

I noticed thst you said several years ago, and that it was before the current two year long relationship. Thst means that the relationship your parents reacted to, was one you had when you were a minor. To me, that makes all the difference. And it should for you, too. You are old and hopefully responsable enough to take care of yourself now.

At 17 I wasn't a minor in the UK, but yeah, that was definitely a big part of it. I understand that by now they should trust me and my decisions more, which would be really helpful. But unfortunately the fact that I was quite young wasn't all of the problem, a lot of it was a general prejudice against "strangers" on the internet.

I remember they would constantly ask questions like, "how can you love someone you've never met? How can he be a boyfriend if you can't hug or kiss him?"

The one thing that makes LDR's so hard is the perception people have of them. Everyone judges them wrongly, thinking we don't "know" our SO's.

Yeah. This is one of the things I always come across when I tell anyone about my LDR. They always say something like, he's probably secretly an old pervert or trying to scam you or something. It doesn't help that the only time my parents hear about LDRs is horror stories on the news.

Thanks for all the advice, everyone! It definitely sounds like the best idea is to tell them, I guess, no matter how they react. I'm going to tell my mom as soon as I've figured out the best way to explain it.

[bribri2729]

I totally understand what you are going through. I finally told my parents about my so and I after 1 year of us dating. I was scared to tell my parents because I felt they would break up my relationship. When I finally told them it felt amazing! Now I am much closer with my parents and can talk to them about anything going on between me and my so. I definitely think you should tell them, think about how you are going to tell them, write down what you are going to say if you need to, pray, and talk to your friends. Those things will help you have the strength to tell your parents about you and your so. Hope this helps

[iPie]

Thanks, I'll keep that in mind. I'm just waiting for the right moment now. I feel a lot better about telling them, it helps to hear that other people have had no trouble with it.

[onehappyisland]

Your parents will always be there for you ! Tell them you love them and want to be open and honest with them and in return want their support.

[rachel.guffey]

Just think about it this way. If you plan on this relationship going anywhere at all, you have to tell them eventually. Better sooner than later. They may feel lied to and duped if you wait too long.