Valentines Day sadness..

Hey everyone,

So! i know that valentines day in an LDR is probably a sore subject, but this is my first valentines day, in my first relationship that just happens to be long distance!

My SO is having a very hard time with the whole "I have a girlfriend but cant even be with her on Valentine's Day" thing. I was just hoping i could get some advice on how to help him through this....I tend to be more positive about these things, Im sending him a small meaningful care package, a card, and my 14th is pretty open so that he and I can have a while to skype and talk to each other.

But my So on the other hand, he tends to be more negative...and that makes things really hard...
He has told me that his biggest reoccurring problem is that in his hometown he feels like everyone he knows, even the most rude people, all have someone to physically stand next to on Valentine's Day. and he is mad that he cant take me on a date, or hug me, kiss me, hold my hand... He just wants to be together already and he hates that we have to wait until MAy to see each other again (because i am in school).

I just dont know what to do...I have tried to talk to him about trying to think more positively, that we are lucky to have someone we love. That just because we cant stand next to each other, we can at least see each others faces...

Last year on Feb. 10th his first love, and first really serious girlfriend broke up with him, and i feel like he has that memory still very fresh in his mind, and i can tell it is making him very sad and very angry...

today we talked on the phone and he said (not for the first time) that he feels like the world is just handing him one shitty card after another...I know he is just sad and that he misses me, but sometimes I wonder why it seems as if he doesnt realize that I am physically alone on valentines day too...I am just trying to make the best of it :/

Any advice is welcomed and very very appreciated!
thank you

[Hollandia]

Hey everyone,

So! i know that valentines day in an LDR is probably a sore subject, but this is my first valentines day, in my first relationship that just happens to be long distance!

My SO is having a very hard time with the whole "I have a girlfriend but cant even be with her on Valentine's Day" thing. I was just hoping i could get some advice on how to help him through this....I tend to be more positive about these things, Im sending him a small meaningful care package, a card, and my 14th is pretty open so that he and I can have a while to skype and talk to each other.

But my So on the other hand, he tends to be more negative...and that makes things really hard...
He has told me that his biggest reoccurring problem is that in his hometown he feels like everyone he knows, even the most rude people, all have someone to physically stand next to on Valentine's Day. and he is mad that he cant take me on a date, or hug me, kiss me, hold my hand... He just wants to be together already and he hates that we have to wait until MAy to see each other again (because i am in school).

I just dont know what to do...I have tried to talk to him about trying to think more positively, that we are lucky to have someone we love. That just because we cant stand next to each other, we can at least see each others faces...

Last year on Feb. 10th his first love, and first really serious girlfriend broke up with him, and i feel like he has that memory still very fresh in his mind, and i can tell it is making him very sad and very angry...

today we talked on the phone and he said (not for the first time) that he feels like the world is just handing him one shitty card after another...I know he is just sad and that he misses me, but sometimes I wonder why it seems as if he doesnt realize that I am physically alone on valentines day too...I am just trying to make the best of it :/

Any advice is welcomed and very very appreciated!
thank you

I hate to say it but it is hard and being in an LDR means we all have to be without the one we love for periods of time. On Birthdays, Christmas, V-Day and many other important milestones. You just have to accept it and he has to try to look at the positives and stop dwelling on the negatives. You can tell him you will spend it with him online on Feb 14th and in May the two of you will plan a very special Valentine's May Day. Try to help him understand whether you are together or not, he does have you, and that is better than not having you at all. You have a fairly new relationship so he needs to buckle up and get ready to enjoy the ride and stop worrying about the bumps in the road like missing a few Holidays. The bigger picture is the life you want to spend together if you two decide that is what you eventually want.

[squeeker]

I agree with Hollandia.

And I think that the big thing for him is probably that almost a year ago he broke up with his last girlfriend/first serious girlfriend, and now is reminded of it, so valentine's day is not a happy day for him.

But he has to remember, that he does have you, even if you aren't together, and you can spend at least part of the day together chatting and being together.

And in the future when you close the distance, you can spend all the valentine's days together! And he's going to see you in May!! That's only 4 months away!! That's so close!! 4 months is nothing really in the grand scheme of things!! I hope he can come around and enjoy the day with you.

At least he doesn't have a Chemistry midterm on the day.. like me. lol!

[blueorchid1]

I agree with Hollandia.

And I think that the big thing for him is probably that almost a year ago he broke up with his last girlfriend/first serious girlfriend, and now is reminded of it, so valentine's day is not a happy day for him.

But he has to remember, that he does have you, even if you aren't together, and you can spend at least part of the day together chatting and being together.

And in the future when you close the distance, you can spend all the valentine's days together! And he's going to see you in May!! That's only 4 months away!! That's so close!! 4 months is nothing really in the grand scheme of things!! I hope he can come around and enjoy the day with you.

At least he doesn't have a Chemistry midterm on the day.. like me. lol!

sorry about your midterm!
But I do agree with you and Hollandia.
I know that in and LDR we won't always be together for holidays, and I feel like I have accepted it and that he is still getting there...
I know that his breakup is probably still fresh in his mind, and I just wish he didn't have to worry or think about it :/

I don't want him to be upset or feel hurt :/

I am very excited for our time together in may as well! I feel like four months is a short amount of time as well! But again, my SO feels like it is forever, and he also says sometimes that he hates that we have to wait while all of the people around him are happy and together....and I get it, I mean my best friend is married and pregnant. But I just wish he wouldn't dwell on it

[squeeker]

Yeah you seem like you are accepting it, it's just him. And I see how that would be frustrating. I hope he can get through it and accept it too. It does make it harder when a friend gets married, especially when that friend has been together with their partner for the same amount or less time as my boyfriend and I! I'm okay with it now because I don't talk to them much while I'm university and we just catch up every once in awhile... like at Christmas time.. which was kind of hard but I still have a single friend but it's weird situation when I have a boyfriend but he isn't there!

I hope he can come around eventually.. It's probably the combination of it being a new-ish relationship (less than a year) and a year since his last breakup.. he is in a bad place.. just be there for him best as you can and let him know you don't like it either and miss him.. but are trying to make the most of it.

And also I will say.. sometimes my boyfriend gets depressed about something, and I just want to cheer him up so I'm trying to spin the positive side.. but then he feels like I don't understand.. so maybe just reinforce that you don't like it.. but try not to worry too much.. just be there for him and keep doing what you're doing I think, reminding him that May isn't so far away.. maybe talk about making plans if that would help.

[jana89]

Me and my SO don´t do this whole Valentine´s day thing, so I can´t really give any advice on this matter, but I understand to the "missing" part, guess everyone in LDR does. Maybe you could try to make your Skype call more public, like invite some other couples to your/your bf´s place and everyone could join the conversation .... By that your SO could prove that he also has someone special and he wouldn´t feel left behind.

[piratemama]

He probably needs reassurance from you. I'm like that with my SO. No one else really understands how sad it is to be apart, so I'll complain to him hoping for some reassurance that he misses me, too. I need to stop that! I'm sure I'm making him feel bad, but I don't mean to do that. I like the advice others have given, esp. Hollandia's advice for a Valentine's May Day. I'd positively swoon if my SO suggested something like that. Good luck. I'm sorry for everybody here that has to spend the day apart from their SO's, including you and your SO. It sucks.

[blueorchid1]

Sorry that it has taken me so long to reply!

Thank you all for your responses, they are much appreciated.
My So had a chat and I tried my best to be reassuring and i tried my best to listen and hear what he had to say. After our chat he still wasn't feeling too great. Later on he hopped on Xbox live and talked with one of his close friends.
I guess he just needed to hear some advice from a different point of view and his friend helped him out with the whole thing.
He reassured my SO that yes, his break up may have been just one year ago, but he told him to imagine trying to be long distance with his ex. he asked my SO if he thought that she would have been able to do what he and I are currently doing. I guess that helped him out because later my SO called and apologized.

I told him that he didn't need to apologize because I know it is a tough time for him, and that I knew he would be able to see a way through it eventually. He said that he wasn't upset about the past breakup, as much as he was mad that his ex is in a relationship now and that she gets to be with someone. But he said that what his friend helped him realize was that our relationship is so much more than the one he had with his ex.

Im glad he has friends that are supporting him, it makes me feel a little better about not being with him...although i dont think anything will ever replace those feelings :/

[squeeker]

Sorry that it has taken me so long to reply!

Thank you all for your responses, they are much appreciated.
My So had a chat and I tried my best to be reassuring and i tried my best to listen and hear what he had to say. After our chat he still wasn't feeling too great. Later on he hopped on Xbox live and talked with one of his close friends.
I guess he just needed to hear some advice from a different point of view and his friend helped him out with the whole thing.
He reassured my SO that yes, his break up may have been just one year ago, but he told him to imagine trying to be long distance with his ex. he asked my SO if he thought that she would have been able to do what he and I are currently doing. I guess that helped him out because later my SO called and apologized.

I told him that he didn't need to apologize because I know it is a tough time for him, and that I knew he would be able to see a way through it eventually. He said that he wasn't upset about the past breakup, as much as he was mad that his ex is in a relationship now and that she gets to be with someone. But he said that what his friend helped him realize was that our relationship is so much more than the one he had with his ex.

Im glad he has friends that are supporting him, it makes me feel a little better about not being with him...although i dont think anything will ever replace those feelings :/

Yay! That's great he has friends.. sometimes someone just needs an outside opinion I guess! I guess he was jealous that his ex was able to be in person with a partner.. but it's good he is realizing that what you two have is more.. I'm sure he is just wishing you could be there so he could show you off to everybody. At least he has friends who can help him through this too, because there is only so much you can do through an internet connection unfortunately. And sometimes it's also about hearing it in different ways, or multiple ways until something clicks. Stay strong..

[differentcountries]

It is not easy to be apart. What I like to do, is celebrating all I can in advance. We could not be together at Christmas, but we celebrated my birthday in advance. Now that I see him we will celebrate Valentine's and his birthday in advance. That way, you have celebrated before anyone else. You can also celebrate later to make up.

When my so is sad or thoughtful, I sometimes try to cheer him up, other times I just say I understand him and perhaps even feel the same way. Like today, when he complained time goes by slowly, we had a little talk about it and little by little he said he would just try to stay busy until I come.

About your so's hurt feelings from his last relationship, I totally get that it still hurts. But he should not bring it to you so much. It is not right to take that relationship into this one. While that is easier said than done, he needs to make more of an effort to deal with his grief and not just act out. Weather he talks to his friends or a proffessional does not really matter as long as he is not dumping it all on you. I

[blueorchid1]

About your so's hurt feelings from his last relationship, I totally get that it still hurts. But he should not bring it to you so much. It is not right to take that relationship into this one. While that is easier said than done, he needs to make more of an effort to deal with his grief and not just act out. Weather he talks to his friends or a proffessional does not really matter as long as he is not dumping it all on you. I

I think you are very right on this....however I dont know how to bring it to him that he needs to stop...I do get kind of upset when he talks about her...I mean I know hes upset, butbi try to explain to him that talking about her and being jealous that she has someone within arms reach just makes the distance worse for him...I wish he could see it :/

[differentcountries]

You may say kind but directly ; i will listen to you talk about her but it can be too much. I like to hear you are with me now, and think more about the joy of me than the fault of her. You need to stay in the present.