I'm obsessing over his exs....

[Pylothe]

Hello everyone, thank you for stopping by to read this.
(I hope this is the right forum)

I am 21 years old and my SO is 22 years old. We've been together since July 2013 and have been LDR since September 2013. This puts our relationship at about 7months, most of it being apart although I visited him for 2 ½ weeks from end of December – mid January. This visit went really well, but it's when I began to think about his romantic past and began wanting to ask questions.

I read online that asking questions about exs is a sign of insecurity (or at least considered as such by men). In my case, at least, this is true. I feel insecure and the reason I feel insecure, I think, is because he is my first boyfriend and I know that I am not his first girlfriend. He's talked about his ex-girlfriends very sparingly in really specific contexts, often to emphasis how how he feels towards me is totally different that how he's felt towards his exs. I know that he's had a bad past (partying, being exploited at work leading to borderline alcoholism) and I think that may be some of the reasons why he's told me that he's only been happy with two of his girlfriends.

By his own admittance, he falls in love really easily. In a way, this makes me scared that, as a result, his feelings burn bright and fade fast … but if that was the case would he have really endured a LDR up to now?
One of the reasons I'm wondering all of these things is that he's mentioned wanting kids and when I asked him if he had wanted kids with any of his ex girlfriends his answer was “yes, but that is in the past now.” I'm a bit worried because he's so young and if he felt so strongly with an ex to want to have children (he must have been 20 or younger) than wouldn't his “my feelings for you are different from my other girlfriends” be erroneous?

But, I'm digressing. I am not putting into question his love for me but wanting rather to learn about his past and try to come to terms with his romantic baggage while not having any myself. Although I do not want him to know this (and for that reason I will never specifically mention her name in questions) there is one of his exs in particular I feel most vulnerable towards and that's the girl I believe to have been his last girlfriend. I don't know if they're still in regular communication but when he changed his facebook relationship status to “in a relationship” she sent him a PM to find out who it was. She's with another guy and they're going to have a baby so I'm really not worried about a spurned/jealous lover.

Now, I know that bringing up this sort of past is opening up a can of worms and I may not like what I might hear, but wouldn't saying nothing and letting this eat me up be just as bad?
I'm interested in questions (concerning all of his exes, not just the one mentioned above) how they broke up, who broke up with who, are they still friendly/on good terms/even friends? I want to hear how he speaks about them since how he represents them now can say a lot about him too.
I also know (by his own admittance) that he has cheated at least once on at least one girlfriend. This may be a total faux pas, but I also want to know what pushed him to it and if he admitted to the act/was caught/found out by the girlfriend and if this led to their break up.
The risk here, I think, is opening up the grounds for talks about cheating and I know that he feels very insecure about me living in a big city and doing my studies. He has had many dreams about me cheating on him and I don't want him to believe that I'm talking about his cheating to potentially justify (non-existent) acts of my own (I have not cheated on him, but this is something he would be liable to imagine).

Would all of this be asking/knowing too much?

I'm also wondering how I should bring this up, being in a LDR. My SO and I rarely Skype. Not only is the quality horrible (he lives in the very most western Canadian province and I live in Europe – so we have a 9hour timezone) - he only has a phone and the lighting in his room is so bad that I can barely see him - but I also feel awkward because of the lack of physical contact. Therefore we communicate solely via facebook chat and I'm afraid that bringing up such a conversation by texting is a horrible idea.
On the other hand, we will close the distance in May at the earliest, mid-June at the latest and I don't know if I can wait that long...

I want to specify that our LDR has been going very well since September. We talk almost every single day twice a day (sacrificing sleeping in on my part haha), we send pictures of each other regularly and although we have had a fight or two, we make up relatively quickly and none of the arguments have cast doubts on him being the person I want to be with.
[he really is extremely loving and respectful]

I'm not very active (posting wise) on this forum, but I have read advice users give to each other and on the whole I find it sound, reasonable advice which (even when it's not what the OP wants to hear) is honest and respectful.

So, is it okay for me to want these things? Or will I just be hurting myself (and us?)? If it's okay to ask, should I do it as soon as possible or try and hold out until we're in person? I really do want to ask him but if you all think that it is ABSOLUTELY ABSOLUTELY not a good thing to do, I will try to work on coming to terms with my curiosity and insecurity as I do not want to do anything to hurt or jeopardize our relationship.

Being able to finally write this down and ask someone for advice has already helped me a bit, I think, but I don't know if in the long term this will be enough...

Sorry for the super long rant but I had to get it off my chest.

Impatiently awaiting your opinions,
Pylothe

[emsimes]

Hi Plyothe!
Here's my two cents on this whole issue:
I think it's normal to be curious about your SO's past relationships. However, I think asking all of these questions about his exes is not the best idea, to be honest. I know you said you feel insecure because he is your first boyfriend, but you shouldn't feel insecure. He wants to be with you, not his exes! I know it's easier said than done, but I think you need to try to put this behind you. If you bring up all these questions to him, I think he might get a little wary as to why you're asking so much about his past relationships. Often times, I've noticed that guys don't tend to talk about their exes as much because they're in the past, like your SO said to you. Constantly bringing up the topic may stain your relationship because you're focusing on the past, not the present.
I'm not saying that you should completely sweep your feelings under the rug. If you feel insecure or upset about something, you should tell him about it. Communication is key! However, I would leave the topic for now. Just remember that no matter how many exes he has, he is with you now, and that's what matters most.
Good luck!

[squeeker]

Hi there! First off, welcome to LFAD! Your SO is from BC then "the most western Canadian province" ? My boyfriend and I have a similar distance between us, only 8 hours though as I am in BC, and he is in the UK.

I think it would be better if you could talk to him about this when you call him or skype but since that is not the best option, text might have to do. I know that my boyfriend and I have had troubles with video call not being the best quality, but lately it's usually pretty good but I think we both usually have decent internet signal. Though sometimes it's particularly bad, but we make do.

I understand your jealousy/curiosity. My boyfriend was my first relationship but he had other girlfriends before me. I always get super 'curious' when he starts talking about them. He has always been quite open with me about his past.. though there's a lot in his past so some things I learned sooner and some things I still don't know because they haven't come up. But his relationship with me was his longest and most serious relationship. Even though he was engaged once. He was only dating the girl for a few months, but he was 16 and was 'in love' and she wanted to get engaged. She ended up abusing him and punched him really hard in the face. I know all his relationships were more juvenile and not as serious, even if he thought so at the time!! The girl he got engaged to now has a fiance I think, I don't think they are married yet but I'm not sure if they have.. and they have a baby. :P

Anyways I just wanted to share because I totally understand the curiosity you would have about your boyfriend's ex girlfriends and especially if he has admitted to cheating or feeling very strongly about them.. because then you wonder if he will do the same to you.. and it's best to know this sooner rather than later.. though I understand you don't want to look like you are prying or don't trust him. Maybe try not to ask him too much because he might feel like you don't trust he has changed.. but sort of be on the lookout for if any of his behavior seems suspicious. But overall just try and not to worry about it.. he is with you for a reason, and you are exploring this together.. my advice would be to not move faster than you are comfortable with, take as much time as you need to get to know each other.

You are closing the distance in May to mid-June? If you do decide to wait that long before asking him because the right time doesn't come up.. then my advice would be to make sure you have a backup plan.. because I feel like knowing about your partner's exes can be an important part of a relationship... because it shows your partner is being honest with you.. and also helps to show that he isn't still in love with them or something.. and either way you want to have enough money in case things don't work out, especially if your closing the distance after only a shorter period of time.

I think it's okay for you to be curious about his ex girlfriends.. maybe ask in a non threateningly type way.. or if he brings up his past sometime.. though try not to be paranoid because then he might not think you trust him and you might read too much into something. Good luck and stay strong!!

[Pylothe]

I think you need to try to put this behind you. If you bring up all these questions to him, I think he might get a little wary as to why you're asking so much about his past relationships. Often times, I've noticed that guys don't tend to talk about their exes as much because they're in the past, like your SO said to you. Constantly bringing up the topic may stain your relationship because you're focusing on the past, not the present.

Hi, emsimes!

Wow, thank you for your speedy reply. And thank you for being so honest. In theory, I know that what you say is totally sensible and I agree that sitting him down asking all the questions in one go would no doubt stain the relationship as you said, haha.
I think what I may do is try to stop thinking about it, but if it becomes unbearable I think I will have to mention it. I suppose, in the mean time, if the subect ever happens to come up it might be okay to ask one or two questions?

Hi there! First off, welcome to LFAD! Your SO is from BC then "the most western Canadian province" ? My boyfriend and I have a similar distance between us, only 8 hours though as I am in BC, and he is in the UK.

Wow thank you for your reply. You have given me much to think about

Yes, he is from BC and I'm from France
Although I do agree about a back up plan when CD, I didn't mention that I'm Canadian and my dad lives in the same area as him. Even if we hadn't been together, I would still have been going back to Canada this summer, so even if it doesn't work out I'm not too worried about being in a foreign country or anything

It's great to get your perspective on this since your SO is also your first boyfriend. I don't know if you think like me, but one of the reasons I'm obsessing over this, I think, is that I don't understand being able to have felt strongly about one person and then claiming that the next person you feel strongly for is unique, you know? Maybe I'm too being too psychoanalytic about the whole thing...

As for the cheating, I'm not concerned right now while we're LDR but I feel as though I need to understand what drove him to it (if there was indeed a (semi-)logical reason) for when we are CD and together 24/7. That ex in your boyfriend's past sounds like a rather traumatizing event for him and I can understand you being curious. My boyfriend mentioned that with some of his last exs he was miserable because they argued all the time, but he didn't elaborate more than that. Of course, I don't want him to go in extreme detail but I think knowing where they (as in both him and his ex) went wrong could help us build a relationship that avoids those problems because we're aware of them and deal with them differently.

Of course the problem does lie with asking him in a way that he won't feel attacked or feels as though I'm suspecting him of anything or doubting him (and he is very sensitive so he jumps to these conclusions very easily). So do you think it would be best for me to wait until the subject arises naturally (or maybe that he alludes to something in his past, which by text he hasn't done yet) or maybe admit to him that I've been thinking about it and just ask him in general terms about his past relationships ended and why (without specifically bringing up the cheating incident which I think would be safer if I asked in person).

[Heavenly_Love12]

First off to the forum! Even though you've posted before, I just wanted to say hi

I can understand how you feel. I have only had one boyfriend other than my SO and it was for 3 1/2 months in high school. He's had a few girlfriends and a couple long term relationships. I felt insecure and worried that I wasn't measuring up to his exes. I actually told him how I was feeling and he explained to me why he chose to be with me, not someone like his exes and that there were a bunch of reasons why things didn't work out with them. I am a big believer in some people needing to date around before they figure out what they are really looking for and wanting in a spouse, and your SO could be one of them like mine was.

I think that talking to him would be the best. Even if the skype picture quality is bad, you'll be able to hear each other and that helps things from coming off wrong like they can via text. You can also make skype calls with voice only. It isn't good to have those worries and they could eventually cause issues. Just try to keep in mind why he has choosing to be with you and that his past is his past! You are both young and many things change over the years, especially your opinion on people and relationships.

I hope your closing the distance in a few months goes well! Don't be afraid to really talk to your SO because it just makes things so much easier than holding in what is bothering you and will bring you closer!

[differentcountries]

The wanting baby with the ex is not hard to understand ; he felt something strong for her and believed in their future as a couple . Later he understood they were not as compatable. His belief in you is stronger. You may ask about his exes if you are genuinely curious of how his life before you were. Otherwise just let it go.

About Skype ; if you buy a little lamp that gives a direct light to the phone when Skyping, the experience may approve. My living room is too dark at the moment,but with this small lamp (that I attatched to a picture on the wall) my so sees me much better.

[Hollandia]

Something things are left better off left unsaid. You might be thinking you want to hear all the gory details, but I doubt it would give you much solace if you really did. He loved these women at one point. He does not now. He loves you now. You need to have trust in that and faith that you and your SO will be forever.

You can drive yourself crazy thinking about this type of stuff. Your time is better spent on enjoying your relationship with the man you love. If he brings something up again, next time you can ask him if he would mind telling you more details. You can judge by his reaction to that if he is willing to or not. He might not be, and you should not hold it against him if so. He might be and then you might hear some things you don't want to hear. I don't recommend it.

[mellif]

I have to agree with Hollandia. Asking your SO about his ex's may never be "satisfying" to your curiosity, no matter how many details you get. Even if you learned everything you wanted to know, it may just haunt you later. There may not be a point emotionally, really-- just breathe. You're both in love. This is your story, not his ex's. It's difficult to let go of that tingling feeling you get when he brings up ex's, or that sad feeling when you wonder if the love you share isn't forever; I've been there too. But it's important to overcome these emotions, because it is easy to get caught up. Keep yourself busy, maybe find a creative outlet. In my experience, it was never good when I let these emotions take over my actions.

[squeeker]

Hi, emsimes!

Wow, thank you for your speedy reply. And thank you for being so honest. In theory, I know that what you say is totally sensible and I agree that sitting him down asking all the questions in one go would no doubt stain the relationship as you said, haha.
I think what I may do is try to stop thinking about it, but if it becomes unbearable I think I will have to mention it. I suppose, in the mean time, if the subect ever happens to come up it might be okay to ask one or two questions?


Wow thank you for your reply. You have given me much to think about

Yes, he is from BC and I'm from France
Although I do agree about a back up plan when CD, I didn't mention that I'm Canadian and my dad lives in the same area as him. Even if we hadn't been together, I would still have been going back to Canada this summer, so even if it doesn't work out I'm not too worried about being in a foreign country or anything

It's great to get your perspective on this since your SO is also your first boyfriend. I don't know if you think like me, but one of the reasons I'm obsessing over this, I think, is that I don't understand being able to have felt strongly about one person and then claiming that the next person you feel strongly for is unique, you know? Maybe I'm too being too psychoanalytic about the whole thing...

As for the cheating, I'm not concerned right now while we're LDR but I feel as though I need to understand what drove him to it (if there was indeed a (semi-)logical reason) for when we are CD and together 24/7. That ex in your boyfriend's past sounds like a rather traumatizing event for him and I can understand you being curious. My boyfriend mentioned that with some of his last exs he was miserable because they argued all the time, but he didn't elaborate more than that. Of course, I don't want him to go in extreme detail but I think knowing where they (as in both him and his ex) went wrong could help us build a relationship that avoids those problems because we're aware of them and deal with them differently.

Of course the problem does lie with asking him in a way that he won't feel attacked or feels as though I'm suspecting him of anything or doubting him (and he is very sensitive so he jumps to these conclusions very easily). So do you think it would be best for me to wait until the subject arises naturally (or maybe that he alludes to something in his past, which by text he hasn't done yet) or maybe admit to him that I've been thinking about it and just ask him in general terms about his past relationships ended and why (without specifically bringing up the cheating incident which I think would be safer if I asked in person).

Okay that is better then, that you are Canadian and your dad lives in Canada.. so it's not like you are risking anything by closing the distance because you were doing that anyways. That is reassuring, in which case it is an easier thing to wait to ask specifics when you are together in person, when you don't have to worry about crappy internet signal or being misunderstood.. well you might still have to worry about that but it can be easier to manage it in person sometimes, especially for sensitive topics like this!

I think that maybe because he can see the difference now with how he felt with his past girlfriends and how he now feels with you, and he now realizes how much stronger he feels for you. Though I get why you would be over analyzing it because how can he be sure he's not going to change his mind and realize he feels stronger feelings for another girl in the future. And that is a hard thing to know for sure. I think the only thing you can do is trust him, and see how his actions express his words. He is with you now, not them, so he did break it off with them.. though I understand why you would like to know about his past relationships, especially when they are serious, because you want to know what they did that was bad.. to make sure you aren't like that.. so that you can minimize the chances that you won't breakup because you do something that annoys you. Or if the things that he broke up with them for were stupid and things that you can't just give up.. you can know that and you will want to see if that's the same way he feels now..

I guess a way you could ask to get an answer back without directly asking about his exes is just asking about what kinds of things are "dealbreakers" for him in a relationship.. what kinds of things annoy him and make him happy.. you probably know AT LEAST a few I'm sure.. I can see why you'd be interested in knowing at least the basics of the relationships.. how much they affected him.. whether he broke up with them or they broke up with him.. so you can sort of get a better picture if this guy is good for you.

You said he argued all the time with one of his last exes so it would be nice to know what kinds of things they argued about.. also you know to try and phrase things in a calm manner.. though I think this is good for all relationships. I think that maybe you could have a discussion about what kinds of things he wants in a relationship and what kinds of things he doesn't like.. it might lead to him bringing up past girlfriends to compare or it might not, but it might be a way to show you are curious because you want to be a good girlfriend and try and understand him better, not because you are jealous or doubting him or suspecting him! Maybe that's even your key there.. that maybe past girlfriends suspected or doubted him and that's why he is more sensitive? Which isn't good because it's not that you doubt him, you are just curious, and I think you need to try and make sure you portray that across, that you trust him but you just want to do your best to avoid doing anything he doesn't like!!

I think that the safest way for him not to jump to conclusions that you are doubting him would be to wait for it to come up naturally, like if he alludes to something in his past.. or you could start talking about the past.. although I know you are like me and haven't had any other partners before so you can't exactly talk about past relationships but you could maybe talk about other things in your past. And then it could lead to more discussions about his past, even if you don't get into talking about his exes right away.. it might help him feel more comfortable.

Saying that, it reminded me of how that was one of the ways my boyfriend made me more comfortable quicker when we started talking online, and that was through him being very open about some of the big incidents of his past.. though since then I've learned more and more... and still don't know everything lol. But if it doesn't come up naturally or you can't think of a way, you could bring it up either as just general asking how he deals with certain things in relationships, what kinds of things would make him reconsider a relationship (with you), or maybe even say that you had been thinking about some of the things he said about how his past relationships ended and have been a bit curious because you like/love him and don't want to lose him and so you are scared if you don't know all the information that you might do something he doesn't like, even by accident.. but then again, you would be the best judge of if it's okay to say or if it's too sensitive, and you said he was really sensitive so maybe don't bring it up directly until you are back in Canada with him. Unless you feel like you will burst if you don't say anything, and then let it out slowly and calmly so he has less chance of freaking out or feeling like you are doubting him or something. You don't want to build up the feelings too much .. but try the indirect approach first, and maybe it will work just to find out more about how he feels about certain topics, and then see if you want to ask more specifics, based on how open he is being with the conversation maybe. good luck!

[Photonut]

I personally think its healthy to want to know about our SOs past relationships. After all, you want to know how they came to be the amazing person they are. But, only ask if you can handle knowing.

[loveknowsnodistance27]

The wanting baby with the ex is not hard to understand ; he felt something strong for her and believed in their future as a couple . Later he understood they were not as compatable. His belief in you is stronger. You may ask about his exes if you are genuinely curious of how his life before you were. Otherwise just let it go.

This. I am my SO's first girlfriend and I have one ex. Believe me when I say I too was looking into getting engaged and marrying my ex, because I had the blinders on and I refused to see all the red flags that led to our break up. I believed that he was my soulmate and I could only see life with him. Around the time we broke up, I realized all the bad things about our relationship and realized it was toxic. I am now relieved I got out of that. It's amazing how feelings can change. But like she's saying, you are together because he wants to be with YOU. Learning about exes can make you even more insecure. That was then, this is now. I don't really know what else to say, but I think you really need to trust him.

[piratemama]

I agree that talking about issues this important is better over Skype; you'd have facial expressions and body language to help soften the way it comes across. I also think you have every right to know how he was with other girls, since this will affect you. Some guys get scared about these discussions, because they know we can get all emotional which is a foreign language for them. Most guys wouldn't mind talking about ex girls, if they are truly in the past.

I've had several important questions to ask my SO that worried me. I was worried about the issues and about how he'd feel talking about them. He and I have lots of times of asking each other questions about all kinds of subjects, so it made it somewhat easier. I approached him about us having a night to discuss whatever was on our mind with the agreement before hand that we kept it open, truthful, and unemotional. We would each get 10 questions, if we needed that many. We could ask more clarifying questions for each of those as needed. He agreed; I think he had a few questions on his mind, too. We made it a date night. This was before Skype, so we did ours over the phone. The way we approached the evening made it go smoothly. We were careful not to hurt the other or to anger the other, but we were very open. For some reason, this style works better than simply asking a question as it pops into my head, at least for the biggies. He and I had to have a break halfway through, and we talked for hours that night. I have an ex husband, but he never came up. Since then, he and I have grown close enough that we can ask without making a big deal of it. Of course, Skype helps us with that, too.

I'm not sure if this helps, but it might work for your situation. You don't have to tell him you are going to ask about girlfriends, just make it a fun question night. If he is too sensitive about the girlfriends, I'd wonder why.

It might work better to simply ask him out and out without dancing around the subject, but you would already be putting him on the defensive. However you handle it, you do have a right to know about his ex's.

[.random.person.]

I have a situation similar in a few ways...

My SO is my 1st boyfriend but I'm his 2nd girlfriend. My worries regarding that seem a little petty, even to me. He was only 13 when he was with her, so I'm sure things didn't get too serious if you know what I mean, but I still get this horrible jealous feeling whenever I think of him possibly sharing his first kiss with someone other than me. And I'm afraid to ask him about it because I don't want the answer to be "yes." And yet if I DON'T ask, will the nagging jealous-curiosity mar the beauty of OUR experience? I suppose I need to take your guys' advice and accept that whatever happened (or didn't happen) is in the past, and that he loves me & is with me now for a reason....

[kiara_silver]

I can sort of relate to this, my SO is my first and only relationship and in the beginning i would question myself, if my feelings were justified or not because i never experienced anything like this. For me, i've never been bothered by his past relationships. I mean sure i wish i was his first, but things work out the way there supossed to. He isn't super close to his ex's and fortunately he never got as serious with anyone as we are. For me i was more jealous or paranoid about others he had not been with. I find talking does help, asking questions and such so you move on, in a non negitive way. Like once me and my SO were chilling in bed and he was telling me about one of his ex and how he liked someone else, and it didnt make me feel uncomfortable. Its nice to be open. But theres things left unsaid or i didnt ask or the situation was uncomfortable for him or me ans now its to late to bring up. It would be like opening an old wound. So i have to move on, but sometimes things will remind me or make me think of it and i wonder, but i have to let it go. Some advice is if you talk about it, talk about everything, so you dont go back to it and can move on. But really the past is the past, your the now and the futue

[Malaga]

I have a situation similar in a few ways...

My SO is my 1st boyfriend but I'm his 2nd girlfriend. My worries regarding that seem a little petty, even to me. He was only 13 when he was with her, so I'm sure things didn't get too serious if you know what I mean, but I still get this horrible jealous feeling whenever I think of him possibly sharing his first kiss with someone other than me. And I'm afraid to ask him about it because I don't want the answer to be "yes." And yet if I DON'T ask, will the nagging jealous-curiosity mar the beauty of OUR experience? I suppose I need to take your guys' advice and accept that whatever happened (or didn't happen) is in the past, and that he loves me & is with me now for a reason....

What does it matter if you were his first? Wouldn't it be more important to be his last?

Seriously, you're jealous of someone he 'dated' when he was 13? I don't even recall the name of the boy I fancied when I was 13. I had my first kiss at 14, it was a slobbery mess, nothing to feel nostalgic about. I don't regret it happening, we sure had a crush on each other at the time but it was nothing at all like an adult relationship.

You don't own each other. You don't have exclusive rights to all of each other's romantic or sexual experiences ever. He isn't damaged goods and your relationship isn't any less great because he may have kissed another girl years before you. His past experiences don't even compare to your relationship. Stop romanticising first crushes and first kisses, life isn't Disney or Hollywood. They are just experiences that took him where he is now. Don't ask him about the kiss if you know the answer would upset you. By all means it's good you get to know each other's pasts, but work on your possessiveness first.