I'm obsessing over his exs....

[TaraMarie]

As one of then"old ladies" of the group, let me give you some advice from experience. First off, know that you are normal to be curious. No matter how old we are, we all feel the same things.....trust me. I was like u, even recently, Until I realized (after a long conversation with my SO) that the day one of us is interested in someone else, there is NOTHING either of us can do about it. I don't need to know details about past relationships, although we have talked about them in detail. I know that he chooses to be with ME...even 900 miles apart. At this point in his life I am the woman he wants and needs. If I spend all of my time worrying about things in the PAST, I will miss out on the present.

In my case something odd happened to me last weekend. I was at his house and he had to call his estranged wife about taxes (they aren't divorced yet). He and I had just finished a conversation about our relationship and where it was going if he didn't get this job near me. Dana said something to him and he said, hang on...tell Tara that. I got on the phone with her and she went on and on about how much he loves me and how he can't live without me and how perfect we are for each other and how happy she is that he is happy now. My initial reaction was anger that he shared personal information with her. Then, after I thought about it I realized he told her things BECAUSE she and I are the ONLY ones who truly understand what goes on in his brain. I am not the slightest bit jealous of her, and I am positive they will NEVER get back together, and I actually thought it was nice that he felt comfortable enough with her to talk about our relationship. I KNOW I am the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with. He asks me to marry him every time I see him (gotta get that divorce final first...lol).

So....my point is that regardless of what happened in the past, it's the present that counts. I suggest u don't brong it up until u are face to face. Even then he may think it's an inquisition. Men are funny that way.....we are curious, but they think we are digging for info. What can I tell u. We are two differen species!

[piratemama]

I have a situation similar in a few ways...

My SO is my 1st boyfriend but I'm his 2nd girlfriend. My worries regarding that seem a little petty, even to me. He was only 13 when he was with her, so I'm sure things didn't get too serious if you know what I mean, but I still get this horrible jealous feeling whenever I think of him possibly sharing his first kiss with someone other than me. And I'm afraid to ask him about it because I don't want the answer to be "yes." And yet if I DON'T ask, will the nagging jealous-curiosity mar the beauty of OUR experience? I suppose I need to take your guys' advice and accept that whatever happened (or didn't happen) is in the past, and that he loves me & is with me now for a reason....

Don't think I'm trying to minimize your concerns, because I don't mean it that way. However, my SO was married before; he is a widower. Can you imagine my thoughts at times? They loved each other and were married years. I know he has many memories that involve her, as he should. There is one restaurant that was special to them, so every time I see an ad for it or drive by it, it gives me a little pang. I wouldn't take away his love or memories of her, but it still gives me those odd feelings. I have to talk to myself about it all the time. I wonder did they do that or did they experience this. I appreciate the advice on this thread, because it's helped me in this area, too. All that matters really is that he loves me now and wants to be with me. It's hard to do that, but I think we can make an active choice to focus on the now. Don't let the past haunt you.

[Ejoriah]

I was friends with my SO for years. During those years he came to me for relationship advice, so I know all about his ex, down right to the intimate details. I know which parts of her body he liked best and I know that he would drive an hour out, even while really tired, just to be with her. I know that she couldn't sleep without him holding on to her, and that he would do anything to make that happen. Heck, I know they had an impressive collection of adult toys, I know that her mother walked in on them doing it, and that her parents considered him part of the family. I know everyone expected them to marry, after having been together for 4 years.

So really, knowing more isn't a good thing. I honestly wish I knew a whole lot less.

[piratemama]

I was friends with my SO for years. During those years he came to me for relationship advice, so I know all about his ex, down right to the intimate details. I know which parts of her body he liked best and I know that he would drive an hour out, even while really tired, just to be with her. I know that she couldn't sleep without him holding on to her, and that he would do anything to make that happen. Heck, I know they had an impressive collection of adult toys, I know that her mother walked in on them doing it, and that her parents considered him part of the family. I know everyone expected them to marry, after having been together for 4 years.

So really, knowing more isn't a good thing. I honestly wish I knew a whole lot less.

I see what you mean; you do know too much. I'm sorry you know all those intimate details. It's good to build a love on friendship, but it does have drawbacks like knowing too much about the ex's.

[.random.person.]

What does it matter if you were his first? Wouldn't it be more important to be his last?

Seriously, you're jealous of someone he 'dated' when he was 13? I don't even recall the name of the boy I fancied when I was 13. I had my first kiss at 14, it was a slobbery mess, nothing to feel nostalgic about. I don't regret it happening, we sure had a crush on each other at the time but it was nothing at all like an adult relationship.

You don't own each other. You don't have exclusive rights to all of each other's romantic or sexual experiences ever. He isn't damaged goods and your relationship isn't any less great because he may have kissed another girl years before you. His past experiences don't even compare to your relationship. Stop romanticising first crushes and first kisses, life isn't Disney or Hollywood. They are just experiences that took him where he is now. Don't ask him about the kiss if you know the answer would upset you. By all means it's good you get to know each other's pasts, but work on your possessiveness first.

Yes, I do need to work on my possessiveness and I'm quite willing & ready to do so. Ergo my previous statement of, "I suppose I need to take your guys' advice and accept that whatever happened (or didn't happen) is in the past, and that he loves me & is with me now for a reason."

[.random.person.]

Don't think I'm trying to minimize your concerns, because I don't mean it that way. However, my SO was married before; he is a widower. Can you imagine my thoughts at times? They loved each other and were married years. I know he has many memories that involve her, as he should. There is one restaurant that was special to them, so every time I see an ad for it or drive by it, it gives me a little pang. I wouldn't take away his love or memories of her, but it still gives me those odd feelings. I have to talk to myself about it all the time. I wonder did they do that or did they experience this. I appreciate the advice on this thread, because it's helped me in this area, too. All that matters really is that he loves me now and wants to be with me. It's hard to do that, but I think we can make an active choice to focus on the now. Don't let the past haunt you.

I can definitely see how your SO's past marriage would make you feel like that... especially since their relationship had grown to the point of marriage, and especially since their parting was due to her death and not a break-up.... (and no, I don't feel like you're minimizing my concerns. )

[Malaga]

Yes, I do need to work on my possessiveness and I'm quite willing & ready to do so. Ergo my previous statement of, "I suppose I need to take your guys' advice and accept that whatever happened (or didn't happen) is in the past, and that he loves me & is with me now for a reason."

Possessiveness doesn't go away when you tell yourself he's with you for a reason. It may pacify this particular insecurity but it will manifest itself in another way. Until you resolve it with yourself. It's not about what he is or does. It's about why you feel the need to be that way, that's the key. I'm saying this as someone who also has a jealous streak and sometimes possessive too. You need to examine yourself, your views on love and relationships and your self-image. Not through his eyes. He cannot compensate for it.

[BagOfPenguins]

I agree with those who said that knowing too much probably won't make you feel better. Because yes, he loved her at some point, that's why he was with her. And hearing him say that most definitely won't make your insecurities go away. So I would suggest that you talk about your concerns with him, but don't ask any super specific questions. Also try to not let it consume you.
I have had other relationships befor this one, and one quite serious one too, but there are reasons it didn't work out. But those past relationships helped my find out what I want in a partner and what I can absolutely not live with, which is a good thing for my current relationship, that I intend to make my last.