And Guest...Expectations for events

[DNC]

I suppose I should establish some background on my situation:

My boyfriend and I have been together (on and off) for almost nine years. He and I are different in many ways, I the extrovert and he the introvert. I am closely connected to family and he cannot name his father's siblings. We are different but, we try to understand the others perspective. Full disclosure, we haven't had a seamless relationship but, at the end of the day we figure things out.

About 3 months ago, my boyfriend accepted a job out of state and relocated. This came at a bad time for our relationship because we were on the heels of a fight pertaining to trust (or lack of). This promotion would help him reset his life and honestly, while I don't agree with how things came to pass, I do understand that in order to have a better life he needed this job.

I am trying to learn how to change my expectations regarding our relationship because, it isn't the same anymore. However, I feel like I am the only one making an effort. Today I called him to check his calendar because I received an invitation to a wedding for him and I. The call ended with a fight and now we aren't speaking.

Here is my question:

Am I unreasonable for wanting him to come up for a wedding of a family friend I've known almost my whole life? He doesn't think he should need to go because he lives out of state and he isn't friends with the groom. I am trying to keep a semblance of normalcy and I think it's a small request to ask him to come with me. Is this something else that I can no longer expect while he is down there?

[differentcountries]

Your wishes are very natural. At the same time, a wedding is no healing place for a fragile relationship where one dislikes strangers. You need to understand that this is a big request. He needs to understand how happy it will make you if he goes.

[squeeker]

Hi, welcome to LFAD.

When I read your situation, I think that maybe the "problem" lies where he is an introvert and you are an extravert. This doesn't have to be a problem really but I think that he is probably thinking of how awkward he would feel to be at the wedding... you will be there but he won't know anyone else.. and maybe he can't take vacation to come down or can't get enough money together for the trip down.. and doesn't know how to say it.. I get that the invitation was for you both.. but they were probably being polite.. and if he doesn't come down because he can't, try to be understanding. I guess you have been together for so long but only recently became long distance so it's all new to you.

I think maybe you should communicate again, and try and see where he is coming from, what the biggest reason he can't come is, and try to explain how much it would mean to you if he was there... and ask if there was any way he would feel less awkward about going.. or if it was the costs or whether he couldn't get the right vacation time.

I don't think you are being unreasonable for wanting him to come up for a wedding of a family friend that you have known almost your whole life. But I think that you might be being a little unreasonable if you force him to go to the wedding when he feels uncomfortable or can't go for some good reason.. so try and maybe figure out more of why he doesn't want to go.. but be respectful of his wishes.. because it's not going to be as fun for him as for you since he won't know anybody than you (or if he will, then maybe tell him that because maybe it might make him want to go, if he will know more people because then it might not be so threatening). Or just try and plan to be together on a time when there is less stress from family and friend events.

[Blaine]

I don't think what you are asking is unreasonable. But at the same time you shouldn't force him to. Put it out there, give him the decision. If he chooses not to attend then grab a close friend (guy or gal) to go party it up with you at the wedding.

[lyonsgirl]

I don't think what you are asking is unreasonable. But at the same time you shouldn't force him to. Put it out there, give him the decision. If he chooses not to attend then grab a close friend (guy or gal) to go party it up with you at the wedding.

Ask the bride & groom, first, though, before you just assume the couple is okay with you bringing someone else. (They may have, for example, a seating chart & have worked on seating cards already. Some people this is a big deal, some people it's not. Some couples get pretty bent out of shape when they feel like their party is crashed by guests they didn't invite.)

However: No, I don't think it's unreasonable for you to want him to go with you. I do think, though, that you have to take his travel time into consideration. If it's in another state where neither of you live, does it make sense for him to make the trip? Can he take the time off work? Or, would you rather he not, then come and solely visit you?

[piratemama]

I don't think you are being unreasonable for wanting him to come up for a wedding of a family friend that you have known almost your whole life. But I think that you might be being a little unreasonable if you force him to go to the wedding when he feels uncomfortable or can't go for some good reason.. so try and maybe figure out more of why he doesn't want to go.. but be respectful of his wishes.. because it's not going to be as fun for him as for you since he won't know anybody than you (or if he will, then maybe tell him that because maybe it might make him want to go, if he will know more people because then it might not be so threatening). Or just try and plan to be together on a time when there is less stress from family and friend events.

I agree with this. I don't think we should want to force anyone (boyfriend or husband) to do something he doesn't want to do. Many men don't like to go to weddings. You do need to find out why he doesn't want to go, but try not to get emotional or angry. Make him feel comfortable opening up to you about it. He may want to save a visit with you for a time that would be just the two of you. You are feeling normal desires to want him with you, but you shouldn't make him feel guilty for not going. You can certainly go by yourself and enjoy it.

[snow_girl]

My friend and her husband were invited to a wedding this past weekend. He went because he was good friends with the Groom but she'd only met him a couple times so didn't spend money on a flight to go. Perhaps it would be more worthwhile for him to fly to see you rather then sit through a wedding where he knows no one.

[ethelynn]

Am I unreasonable for wanting him to come up for a wedding of a family friend I've known almost my whole life? He doesn't think he should need to go because he lives out of state and he isn't friends with the groom. I am trying to keep a semblance of normalcy and I think it's a small request to ask him to come with me. Is this something else that I can no longer expect while he is down there?

Does he know your family and most people who are there? If it was a big wedding and I didn't know most people who are there, I wouldn't go, I'd probably feel very awkward there (I'm also an introvert and quite shy). If you two are still on the heels about the fight or anything else, he just might want to go even less, because he'd go only for you and if you two aren't on good terms, he'd probably feel quite overwhelmed and alone there.

Does not being friends with the groom mean that he doesn't like him or they have only met very few times?

[Ejoriah]

A friend of mine (who my boyfriend has never met) is getting married this July. I didn't even ask him if he wanted to come, I said "are you free on these dates? My friend is getting married and has invited us both." He'll be coming from Texas just for the wedding that weekend and then going back. Of course it's an excuse to see each other as well, but I don't think it's unreasonable to ask your significant other to accompany you to a wedding.

[Photonut]

I don't think you wanting him to go with you is terrible but making it a huge issue that he doesn't want to go is. You need to be more understanding of how he is, being an introvert is a scary thing sometimes. Would you feel comfortable going to a wedding were you literally knew one person? I wouldn't. The bride and groom are probably just being nice by inviting him too.

[DNC]

Thank you for the support. I know I have to respect his decision. I want to be supportive but, I worry his feelings will outweigh mine. I don't want distance to be an excuse to not be an active part of our life back home.

[DNC]

Does not being friends with the groom mean that he doesn't like him or they have only met very few times?

They have only met on a few family occasions, he is my mother's Godson. They got along really well at the family gatherings but, he doesn't think he should go because he isn't friends with him. That sentiment feels selfish, as my partner I thought he'd go because it was something that matters to me.

I know that being an introvert can be overwhelming in social situations but, I have never left his side during any event. I know that I'll be sad without him there and it will be another reminder that the person I love is 1100 miles away. I thought this would be a good reason to plan a long weekend and see one another.

I guess I wanted him to want to be there with me.

[differentcountries]

Most people who are not very outgoing or love weddings think attending the wedding of people they don't even know is a total waste of time and money. Weddings can be very boring, and there is preassure to have fun. But the things we do for love... How would he feel if his best mate married and you did not want to go? I figure he might even feel worse then you because he would have a harder time attending alone...

[DNC]

How would he feel if his best mate married and you did not want to go? I figure he might even feel worse then you because he would have a harder time attending alone...

Actually, I've attend all of the weddings he has been invited to while we have been together. And I agree, they can be awkward when you feel like you are an outsider but, he only had to ask. I guess I am a hopeless romantic, I'd never let him be alone.

[Dezface]

I've always felt that being a part of a couple, you just do these sorts of things together. I couldn't fathom my SO or I going to a wedding alone, when the other is capable of attending as well.

Of course, I am speaking of being closed distance. But if it's feasible for him to be there, then I think he should. I don't believe you're asking too much at all. Not knowing the groom is a ridiculous reason for not going. Suck it up buttercup.