LDR for almost 3 yrs - 1 child - depressed

[Jeannalee]

Hi everyone,
I am new to this forum. I decided to look for people who were going through the same thing than me because I'm litterally losing my
mind.

Im usually a happy, outgoing person but this ldr is killing me.

My boyfriend, well fiance, is doing way better than me so I really feel lonely in this. Everytime I express what I feel, his answers make me feel like Ima needy person. Maybe I became needy indeed. I just hate the fact that we are still away after 3 ears of relationship.

Since I was pregnant, I started to feel very down because I needed him. Now I am in a difficult situation. I had to move back to my mother'shouse so i could have help with th baby, I cant work because I have to travel so he can see his child, i can go nowhere because where i live i need a car to go places ... and i dont have a car. Well I have all the time to think and need him. Because my life is empty.
It is difficult for mebecause before I used to be very active.

We argue more often and as he is my first real boyfriend I am scared that he gets tired of me.

Cheer me up please lol

I really need some help!

[panban]

Hello my friend, i guess this is my first post here after 2 years.
Well you need to cheer up your self alone and wont wait for him to make your life worth again as community might suggest. Ourselves make happiness not others to us.
I think if u steer your life towards you're responsible for it and feel happy, then you will attract him again. He probably has his onw issues now and both pressure the situation.
LDR not mean to be easy, just need to be both strong and happy with your life.
Hows the baby :-) ??

BTW i came here on that site cos today my 2year plus LDR engagement came to a dead end and both we agreed to terminate it.
Thats life
All the best from me.

[itsjen516]

This is a tricky situation, but you said he's your fiancé right so dosnt that mean you will be together soon?
I'm not sure where you live but if the weather is decent why don't you take your child to the park and sent your fiancé picutres and updated on him /her threw out the day. It will make him feel good to be able to see his child to and that way you won't be locked in the house all day.
At night make it so a few times a week you and him can FaceTime / Skype. And why don't you 2 start wedding planning it can be good and it will make you know you are now taking the steps to be closer to him.
We all have felt this way at some point and it's hard trust me I get frustrated to, the being away sucks but you need to try and NOT argue but try to calmly talk it out. Arguing goes no where other then making you stressed. If you see that either you or him are getting into an argument try to stop it and just talk it out.
My fiancé and I have had times where we could have easily argued but stopped it and talked it out and till this day we never once ha a fight maybe a few bickers lol but that's it. So take care of your self.

[differentcountries]

Hi, being with a small child and him in another country sounds challenging. It is strange that he should label you as needy ; of course you need him, every new mother would! I am glad you have your mother with you. You need to make your life good where you are, at the same time he need to put in more, not less effort with you as well as your child. I rather envy you the child if not the situation. All the best

[Jeannalee]

First of all thank you guys for your answers.

Panban Im sorry to know your relationship ended. LDR are so not easy.

You guys have a point. I need to find my own way to be happy. I've been feeling like this for over a year and even if I was exhausted (my son wasnt sleeping at night for 1 year), I asked my mother to take me to the gym, I tried to paint and draw like before.
I wish there was a park where I live. Its very residential and theres nothing around except the highway. Yeah its very unfortunate.
We talk via messages every day and video chat for like 10 min (hardly because my son wants to grab the tablet lol)
He is doing great. Im happy he doesnt suffer from all this.

I totally agree with you itsjen516 about arguments. I am not someone who argues usually. So im very stressed and uncomfortable with it. I dont know why I lose my temper so quickly now. I always regret it after.

I have tried a lot of things to feel better, I can feel better for 3, 4 days, and then back to the sadness and stuff.

We are engaged because its the easiest way we can live in the same country legally. Well lets say its the "less hard way" lol. It stilltakes time. Currently we are in the process of the visa fiance so i can go over there and marry him.

Again thank you guys

[Jeannalee]

Thats what I thought too. I think he doesnt know how to do. He doesnt give me emotional support but he tries to find solutions for me. So i know he does care. He says im needy when I tell him what I wish he could tell me or do to make me feel better. At the same time he misses his child and says that im not the only one having a hard time.
Thank you

[differentcountries]

It is a lot of responsability to take care of another person 's moods. Still we obviously do that to a degree in a relationship. I suggest that you try taking a test to see if you are depressed in the medical sense. If so, maybe you can get help for that. If it is more loneliness and exhaustion, there may be some things to be done there, too. Your so has a point that he is in a strange situation. It sounds like he is the typical guy fixer and does not know how to talk about emotions. His strategy of focus on problem -solving is caring, but you may need him to see where you are, too. You may have to help him by owning your emotions more, and at the same time see his, too. You are lucky enogh to share a child together, and may plan a future. That is both dangerous and wonderful to most people who are cd, and LD might enchance those mixed feelings.

[Jeannalee]

Totally.
We talked about it often. When I tell him that sometimes I dont need him to give me a solution, but just confort me... he says he doesnt understand what I want from him. He says that I only one to hear one thing and if its not what i hear I am disappointed. He is not wrong but Im only looking for the affection we cant give to each other.

I just hope I will be strong enough to wait more because I have this feeling I am at my breaking point. I dont want to break up with him of course. Im scared to totally fall into a bad depression. I have to be good for my child. He needs me.

It feels good to get it out. Thank you.

[Alsfia]

I was going to say it might be worth talking to a doctor about the possibility of postpartum depression.among the symptoms are being irritable and you said yourself you don't know why you lose your temper so easily nowadays and have troubles staying happy and content for more than a couple days. It might not be and you are definitely in a very straining and stressful a situation but at least you would know for sure what to focus on to improve it if you did talk to a professional.

Best of luck

[Jeannalee]

I have seen a therapist months ago it helped a little but I couldnt keep the mood up.
I know I had post partum but I didnt want to fall into a drug treatment.

[Alsfia]

I have seen a therapist months ago it helped a little but I couldnt keep the mood up.
I know I had post partum but I didnt want to fall into a drug treatment.

Have you talked to your therapist/doctor about that? You have the right to refuse drug based treatment and ask for other treatments instead.

[Jeannalee]

Have you talked to your therapist/doctor about that? You have the right to refuse drug based treatment and ask for other treatments instead.

I didnt. I stopped seeing the therapist because i couldnt afford it anymore at this time. I probably will have to go back because I think Im spoiling my relationship. At the same time I dont think Im the only one not acting right. I may be too needy but he is not makin an effort for me either. I do anythibg I can for him to miss his son less and he does nothing for me to feel less bad. Am I too demanding?

[differentcountries]

I think it is wise to treat your depression right away, not just for your or your relationship 's sake but also for the sake of your baby.

[Kitten_mittens]

Ahhh this sounds so much like how my relationship was.. There's a lot of good advice here. What I'm wondering is why can't he come visit you?

I know what it's like to go from being active and independent to feeling completely stuck. Before I had my son I lived in the city and LOVED it. I would walk everywhere always seeing new places. I was the happiest I had ever been in my life. But then when I got pregnant I had to move back to my parents place which I never wanted to do. And I decided to stay so I can go to college so I can support me and my baby better. It is a HUGE life change. And it's definitely hard not to look back and miss the past. But the past is the past. You have a new life with your little one and you need to do your best to make the most of it. And do NOT neglect yourself. This is one thing I have been failing on. You can't take care of others unless you take care of yourself too. Try to find things you can enjoy doing. Maybe see about a jogging stroller/pushchair so you can jog? Do yoga during your baby's naps. Start a blog? I think you need to do some deep thinking and try to find what will make YOU happy. As a mom it's hard to get out of the habit of putting your needs first.. Of course don't neglect your little one, that goes without saying, but you need to take care of yourself.

Sorry for the ramble and possibly redundant post. My minds not working at 100% lately.. Good luck hun. Feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to who understands.

[Dezface]

Why do you have to be the one to travel so he can see his child? Is there no way you can split the travel? And how often are you having visits?