Not sure which way to go...

[jjbabixo]

Hi Everyone!

I know I am a newbie but I am in desperate need of help. I'll try to keep it as short as possible.

I am contemplating on breaking up with my SO. I just don't know if I'm being irrational or if it's truly what I want. Here is some background. I met him online March 2009. We talked heavy at first just as friends and then it kind of faded. We would talk every once in a while but nothing came of it until this past February. We began talking more because he pursued me and ended up in a realtionship. At first he was not fond of the distance but over time we knew what we had was special and willing to work things through to stay together. He lives in CT and I am from MD. We are both 22. He has never been in a reationship before that was remotely serious. I was previously in a 5 year LDR. Actually he doesn't really even have intimate relationships with friends. He is just pretty much a homebody and keeps to himself.

The main problem in our relationship is we have never met and don't know when it will happen. He has family that lives in DC and traveled down once...while we were first starting to get serious but wouldn't stop to see me. I'm not sure why but he kept telling me it was because he didn't want our visit to be quick and he only had time to stop for about an hour. He confessed to me that his parents are strict and don't allow him to do much. Whenever I tell him how much I am wanting to meet he says he is trying. I just feel like that is an excuse however. Also, his family doesn't know about me. He says he is not comfortable with telling them how we have met it has nothing to do with me personally. I'm not sure if this is the case or not because of two reasons 1 being a difference of religion and 2 being a different social/economic class. When it comes to his religion I dont ask many questions because I feel uncomfortable and think he will feel as if im judging him. Im not sure if his parents would be accepting of our relationship or not. I understand him not being able to come down here but he could atleast invite me up there!

I just don't know what to do....I feel like I can't even get my thoughts straight to write this post. He just lacks the ability to be intimate all together. I know he is severly insecure although I tell him there is no need. Some days I can over look all of this because I in my heart feel like we are right for one another but other days it gets the best of me. I used to bring it up to him a lot thinking it would change things but instead of talking about the issues I would say we should just seperate. Its truly not what I want to do. I love him...he is my best friend and Id be lost in this world without him. I feel like it'd be so much easier if I just knew WHENNNN. I feel like I need to give him an ultimatium or deadline or something..but thats not right either. Then I feel as if he cared enough about me he would have been down here by now. The truth is I just need to make a decision...I cant keep feeling like something is wrong with me or downing myself like its my fault he wont come. And I cant keep threatening to seperate or bringing it up and making him feel guilty because it will just push him away. I just feel like we never resolve anything when we do talk about it. Then I just put it in the back of my mind until it hits me all over again...and lately its been happening more often. He always says hell respect my decision either way that he loves me and doesnt want to loose me but hates to see me hurt.

Any advice or insight in the situation? Sorry that it is long and kind of all over the place I just feel so hopeless and desperate and none of my friends understand. I appreciate any help and feel free to ask any questions and PM me...thanks in advance!

[paulawriteslove]

I think that you should tell him exactly how you're feeling and try to talk it out. I'm not saying if you should or shouldn't break up with him because ultimately that decision is up to you. All I can say is that you should talk to him.

[Lunar Snow]

First of all, welcome!

I can see some similarities in what you are describing and some things that happened in my relationship. My SO and I met at a time in his life (last June) when he was really looking to play the field; however, I think neither of us were clear on that when we started talking by chance. We got along like a house on fire from the start and were also intellectually and physically attracted to each other, which led to some fast feelings coming on. He halted things, out of confusion, as he really was interested in me but this interest conflicted with his non-desire for a relationship at the time, let alone a long-distance one (he would also give me that sort of assurance that it was my choice either way to leave, etc.). There was a good month or more where we didn't talk and I just couldn't stand it, so I made contact again, but on a friendly level, yet...things still progressed to a line beyond friendship, with lots of fighting (and, yes, I did get times when he would claim that he didn't have a very good ability to be empathetic and that that could mean us being incompatible...which I still insist is refuse! This guy can be amazingly romantic and affectionate. However, he does have his moments, but I chalk them mostly up to his Y chromosome and not an inherent ability not to feel!) and passion in between. It did come to the point that he couldn't let go of me and I certainly didn't want to let go of him, so we didn't put any labels on things, but did work out that we were committed to seeing each other. Since the time we first started talking, we had been speaking about meeting and it became too much to keep saying it and feeling it would never happen (especially from insecurities bred in the first part of falling for each other). So, I finally said that we needed to talk more seriously about it and we did, but it only resulted in some progress and a big argument because we both had major things at school to face. Then, after talking to others, but also after some soul-searching, I finally said to him that in order for the relationship to continue to grow, we needed to see each other. Additionally, since we did have these issues from his behaviours early on, I felt that it would be a show of his equal interest for him to come see me. At this point, I didn't feel like what I had said was an ultimatum, but rather a statement of what the relationship needed to survive (though, I guess it is sounding ultimatum-y) and, you know what? Even he surprised me! That same night, he was just searching through flights casually and then he decided then and there to pick a date with me and book his flight! Wow!

I know that insatiable feeling, that love-sickness that you want someone to meet you half-way, like two perfect puzzle pieces. *Sigh* I think it is possible that he is saying all these lovely things and even feeling all these lovely things, but, deep down, he may know that he is not ready (for whatever reason) for a long-distance relationship. Perhaps, to me, his inability to have any sort of intimate relationship is rather telling. In turn, it's very selfish (but common) that he has these feelings that conflict with where he is at, in terms of coping emotionally, and wants to hold onto the relationship as it stands. I think that you may be too worried about pushing him away--if you are in a relationship of any sort, there should at least be the atmosphere that both parties can attempt to be on the same footing. So, I think that you should bring up a serious conversation with him about planning a visit to see each other. Ask yourself if you are willing for the relationship to continue indefinitely without ever seeing each other. I think it is pretty bogus that he has had the chance to actually meet you and hasn't yet! I know that two hours isn't a lot, but you could have some fun in a coffee shop or cafe and see if you hit it off as much in-person as you do online. Meeting in-person is really what helped me to feel more secure in the relationship and not like I was the only one trying and it helped him to really know that we could be compatible beyond what we were typing or saying on webcam.

[folclor]

okay, just giving a quick thing here. I met my boyfriend in Sept of 2008 and we only just met this May 29th. I know how hopeless it can feel and how easy it would be to give up. In this case you may have to take the steps to go see him, or have him meet you in the middle. If his parents are strict (like I know mine are) just have him make up a good (and truthful) excuse to go wherever it is y'all are going to meet. Also, if he doesn't want to confess to them that you're in a relationship he needs to at least tell them of your existence. He needs to...tell them that he met you online and that you're friends, at least. Most parents are going to try and be controlling and strict because they had a notion of how they wanted their child to grow up. However, if that child shows a propensity toward a certain path the parents, generally, will let them take that path. So, chin up. As long as both of you are putting in honest effort it can work. ^^

[Silviar]

Reading through this, it sounds like your biggest problem is that you dislike not having a set date, and that's what's making or breaking it for you. So here's my suggestion: talk to him and explain that it's important for you that you set a date to meet. Make sure it's far enough in advance so if you have to save up money, then do so. And then implement the plan. If he's still hesitant and doesn't want to meet, I think you have your answer, because you want it, while he either does or doesn't/isn't willing to put up the effort.

[jjbabixo]

Thank you for all the replies! I really appreciate it. I am going to try and talk to him tonight now that Ive had a day to clear my head and get my thoughts together. Thanks again!

[JoMarie]

I agree that if the fact that WHEN you meet isn't as much as having a SET date that you will meet is killing your relationship you need to tell him that you MUST set a date. Again like others have said, be fair with the date. Make sure its far enough away that any funding etc for one of you to travel will be able to be made. Also keep in mind that things like weather etc will make it harder. Good luck.